Mourning

[Bastoune]

Grace and peace to you all, brothers and sisters!

As many of you know, my father passed away a couple of weeks ago. I thank you all so much, on behalf of myself and my family, for all your prayers and support.

This has been a hard adjustment. I really had no idea how it would affect me but it's been really, really rough on one level, yet on another, I'm amazed I've not completely lost my mind.

I thought that with my faith and with the knowledge my dad is with the Lord, that that would ease a lot of my suffering. For I have always maintained sort of a "non-chalant" attachment to this world, the physical realm, knowing that the Lord will take our souls to Heaven and eventually renew our physical bodies, so I never felt too worried about everything, knowing it's all in His hands.

Still... "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps. 42:11)

Why is it that even with the "joy" of knowing my father is with our Father, that I am still grieving so tremendously? There is a weight on my heart, a deep melancoly... is it selfish? Is it because I want my dad here in the physical realm to speak to as we do in "mortal" fashion?

I don't understand why I am in such pain even amidst the joy. I don't understand why I can't overcome it. I savor it as a "good" pain, that has grown out of our love. Still, it hurts and I wonder why.

I can imagine the only worse pain than losing a parent is to lose a child. I imagine Our Lady suffered so much even after the Resurrection and Ascension, because even though she knew in her heart and mind that her Son was ALIVE, there was still a sadness that things would not be like before, where she could hold him, kiss him, laugh with him (like how we saw in The Passion -- the bond between Mary and Jesus was amazing; a parent and child have this bond; this is why Symeon said, "A sword will pierce your heart as well.")

I feel my father so much more closely now, yet why does it still hurt then? If I didn't have faith I could understand the mourning; I would be thinking, "that's it." But it's NOT it. I will see him again, and in the meantime he is near.

So why can't I rejoice? Why is there pain? Why does my heart feel as if a sword has pierced it?

 

[Christy4Christ]

Grace and peace to you all, brothers and sisters!

As many of you know, my father passed away a couple of weeks ago. I thank you all so much, on behalf of myself and my family, for all your prayers and support.

This has been a hard adjustment. I really had no idea how it would affect me but it's been really, really rough on one level, yet on another, I'm amazed I've not completely lost my mind.

I thought that with my faith and with the knowledge my dad is with the Lord, that that would ease a lot of my suffering. For I have always maintained sort of a "non-chalant" attachment to this world, the physical realm, knowing that the Lord will take our souls to Heaven and eventually renew our physical bodies, so I never felt too worried about everything, knowing it's all in His hands.

Still... "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps. 42:11)

Why is it that even with the "joy" of knowing my father is with our Father, that I am still grieving so tremendously? There is a weight on my heart, a deep melancoly... is it selfish? Is it because I want my dad here in the physical realm to speak to as we do in "mortal" fashion?

I don't understand why I am in such pain even amidst the joy. I don't understand why I can't overcome it. I savor it as a "good" pain, that has grown out of our love. Still, it hurts and I wonder why.

I can imagine the only worse pain than losing a parent is to lose a child. I imagine Our Lady suffered so much even after the Resurrection and Ascension, because even though she knew in her heart and mind that her Son was ALIVE, there was still a sadness that things would not be like before, where she could hold him, kiss him, laugh with him (like how we saw in The Passion -- the bond between Mary and Jesus was amazing; a parent and child have this bond; this is why Symeon said, "A sword will pierce your heart as well.")

I feel my father so much more closely now, yet why does it still hurt then? If I didn't have faith I could understand the mourning; I would be thinking, "that's it." But it's NOT it. I will see him again, and in the meantime he is near.

So why can't I rejoice? Why is there pain? Why does my heart feel as if a sword has pierced it?

Bastoune,

You miss your Dad and thats so normal. We are made of flesh and spirit and it isn't always so easy to seperate the two. Your spirit knows that your Dad is with God but being a human being with thoughts and memories, it is hard not to feel suffering. I believe there is a place in the bible that says, "Do not grieve like someone who has no hope" or something like that, I am not so good at remembering places in the bible when I need to! But I think what that means is that it is OK to grieve, as long as you know in your heart that you have hope. I know that it is natural for this to hurt, you are going through a major seperation. Keep what you have been doing, stay as close to God as possible. My Grandma died when I was 15, I think I shared this with you. She was visited by a priest while she was on her death bed and now I have faith she is with Jesus, but the first year was really bad for us .(Me and my mom)After that it does get a little easier because it becomes a little easier to take a step back and breathe. Right now you are so in the moment. Give yourself time to heal and whatever you do, do not add guilt for your grief into the mix. You will just find yourself feeling even worse then. Sometimes we have to allow our human side the time it needs to just be human. God is great and He will soften this blow for you, just keep your faith.

Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Know that you are in my prayers

God Bless you and keep you,

Christy

 

[Dominus Fidelis]

Because a sword HAS pierced your heart bro...I'm getting teary-eyed reading your post. Your dad is in Heaven but it still hurts to miss him. And it is ok to hurt. We stand with you.

 

[countrymousenc]

So sorry that you're suffering, Bastoune. Your pain demonstrates how much you truly loved your dad, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. Your peace about him will overcome your pain, in time. The Peace of Christ be with you.

 

[Christy4Christ]

HAIL, HOLY QUEEN

Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy! our life, our sweetness and our hope! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve; to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, how unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary!

Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God.

That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Let us pray. O God, whose only begotten Son, by His life, death, and resurrection, has purchased for us the rewards of eternal life, grant, we beseech Thee, that meditating upon these mysteries of the Most Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we may imitate what they contain and obtain what they promise, through the same Christ Our Lord. Amen.​

OUR FATHER

Our Father, Who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen.

HAIL MARY

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.​

PRAYER TO ONE'S GUARDIAN ANGEL

Angel of God my Guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.​

 

[Gen 22:14]

Bastoune,

I understand your suffering.....the HARDEST thing I ever had to do in my many, many years as a liturgical musician was to sing my mother's funeral. Please know that our Lord understands our pain.....after all, He became human for US! And remember Job, who suffered so and questioned his faith and in the end became oh so close to the Father.

One of the most serious of the problems I had with clergy in my sojourn through the faith is that often times they lack compassion for the problems in the "real world." I can say this in great love for them because after all I AM A PRACTICING ADHERENT TO OUR FAITH!

Sooooooooooo, please use this time of grief to make yourself stronger and more compassionate with the struggles of the laity. As you prepare for your own ordination draw on the strength and courage with which you have to live each day of this suffering. Use it to minister to others in their time of grief. This is the major difference between a compassionate priest and a man who has sincere empathy! Yes Jesus was (is) compassionate, but much more, by taking on our humanity he has and IS empathy!

In short, then, you are ok in questioning and suffering......it is good and right to do so, but use it to make yourself stronger in your vocation.

In love and prayers,
Donna

 

[Debi1967]

So why can't I rejoice? Why is there pain? Why does my heart feel as if a sword has pierced it?

It seems that you are realizing that you are attached to this earthly human existence more than you would like to admit my friend. What you are experiencing is part of the grief process. It is normal. There are many stages to this process, and in the hopes that you achieve that final peace within, I hoep you allow them all to come and go. Tim, we have dicussed this before, I wish that I could fully relate to your experience, but when I lost my father it wasn't the same for me. The emotions that you are going through are much more intense then the ones I experienced, due to our prior conversation. But I can tell you this, He will not fault you for feeling that connection to your father. He will also not fault you for your humanity.

I think that you have done rather well through this whole ordeal. The power of the Lord and His HolY Spirit really has helped you to overcome more than you know. Try to put into perspective what it must be like for those that do not have the same knowledge and belief that you do in the Lord and what He is going to bring about for us. Think about the utter despair they have to endure at a time like this. You and I really are among the lucky ones. We have His promise and we have so many caring people to rely on for support to guide us through a very tough journey. We are truly Blessed. Try to remember that always. I love you much my friend, remember I am always a phone call away.
In Christ
Your Sister,
Debi

 

[MariaRegina]

Grace and peace to you all, brothers and sisters!

As many of you know, my father passed away a couple of weeks ago. I thank you all so much, on behalf of myself and my family, for all your prayers and support.

This has been a hard adjustment. I really had no idea how it would affect me but it's been really, really rough on one level, yet on another, I'm amazed I've not completely lost my mind.

I thought that with my faith and with the knowledge my dad is with the Lord, that that would ease a lot of my suffering. For I have always maintained sort of a "non-chalant" attachment to this world, the physical realm, knowing that the Lord will take our souls to Heaven and eventually renew our physical bodies, so I never felt too worried about everything, knowing it's all in His hands.

Still... "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps. 42:11)

Why is it that even with the "joy" of knowing my father is with our Father, that I am still grieving so tremendously? There is a weight on my heart, a deep melancoly... is it selfish? Is it because I want my dad here in the physical realm to speak to as we do in "mortal" fashion?

I don't understand why I am in such pain even amidst the joy. I don't understand why I can't overcome it. I savor it as a "good" pain, that has grown out of our love. Still, it hurts and I wonder why.

I can imagine the only worse pain than losing a parent is to lose a child. I imagine Our Lady suffered so much even after the Resurrection and Ascension, because even though she knew in her heart and mind that her Son was ALIVE, there was still a sadness that things would not be like before, where she could hold him, kiss him, laugh with him (like how we saw in The Passion -- the bond between Mary and Jesus was amazing; a parent and child have this bond; this is why Symeon said, "A sword will pierce your heart as well.")

I feel my father so much more closely now, yet why does it still hurt then? If I didn't have faith I could understand the mourning; I would be thinking, "that's it." But it's NOT it. I will see him again, and in the meantime he is near.

So why can't I rejoice? Why is there pain? Why does my heart feel as if a sword has pierced it?

Dear Tim:

Our belief in the Communion of Saints should be comforting to you. Pray to your dad and for your dad. I'm sure you are already doing this, but ask your dad in prayers that he grant you joy and understanding.

When my Catholic uncle died, I prayed to him in my grieving -- didn't even know he was dying because all my relatives thought that someone else had notified me -- missed his death -- missed his funeral -- therefore no real closure.

So I prayed to him and for him and was granted great joy. I firmly believe that he is in heaven and regard him as a saint. He died a holy death with the last sacraments.

Keep praying for your dad (perhaps he needs more prayers) and in this way you will be granted peace.

Your sister in Christ,
Elizabeth

 

[Bastoune]

I'd like to thank you all for your advice and comments.

Chanter, and all of you, I must say that since my father's passing, I have felt even closer to the Communion of Saints. Yes, I feel my father at my side. I feel like all my prayers have an echo in Heaven: that of my dad. I had had a vision of my father's arrival in Heaven, welcomed by the Lord. As I am "flesh of his flesh" I feel like a part of me is in Heaven, and therefore I feel a stronger bond to God.

In spite of all this, the sadness remains.

But I have a greater bond to the Communion of Saints, and this coincides with the release of The Passion because I feel my pain united to that of the Virgin Mary, and ask for her intercession much more.

At the same time, I also ask for the help of my guardian angel, even more than I did when I was with the Capuchins! His name is Charlie (which I think is sort of odd), and there's a song that came out (French group) some years ago where there's a line, "Charlie, defends-moi!" ("Charlie, defend me") and even though it's in reference to De Gaulle, I use it -- singing it! -- as my sort of tongue-n-cheek (yet serious) plea for help from my guardian angel.

But most importantly, the deeper conversion and consecration I have given in Christ Jesus has made me more effective in prayer even though I also, simultaneously at times have more trouble concentrating in prayer... it's like this whirlwind of emotions I am going through is all full of contradictions. I am simultaneously joyous and sorrowful, strong and weak.

In many ways, it is the contradiction of the Cross. So I find my refuge in the wounds of Christ, and there I find peace.

 

[PeterPaul]

Bastoune, my friend, the feeling of loss is understandable. I know exactly how you feel. Especially when you have a great moment in your life, reach for the phone, only to forget he isn't around to talk to anymore. I keep a photo of my grandfather in my bedroom. He was and is my joy.

Keep your father in your prayers and make your life count by serving God, as you already do, and your father will rejoice.

You are in my prayers.

 

[Michelina]

The sadness will remain, Tim, 'til you see him again. I know whereof I speak.

 

[PeterPaul]

Michelina, that is so true. I don't know why therapists tell people to let go. I sure can't and won't.

 

[loveisallyouneed]

Tim, I just wanted to give you my condolences. I will pray for you.

 

[Michelina]

Michelina, that is so true. I don't know why therapists tell people to let go. I sure can't and won't.

PeterPaul, most therapists don't follow the Wisdom of God. If you follow the foolishness of the World, you can not help people that much. I always recommend Christian Counselors with appropriate ceertification. Around here, we only have nonCatholic Christian Counselers, but they are very good.

 

[Bastoune]

Michelina, that is so true. I don't know why therapists tell people to let go. I sure can't and won't.

I don't want to either. It's a joyful pain because it is rooted in love. But it's pain nevertheless.

 

[Debi1967]

I think that all we can do is come to a point of acceptance. We accept that they are gone and hope that they are in a better place and that in the end we will meet them again. I don't think the pain goes away so much as it becomes easier to live with, with the guidance and help of the Lord and His protection.

 

[Wolseley]

When my father died, I went completely numb. I was incapable of dealing with the enormity of the pain, and so I just didn't feel anything. I also don't remember much of what happened directly afterwards; I remember that I was reading a book by Michael Crichton at the time. I finished the book, but I had no clue how it turned out. I had to go back years later and re-read the book to find out what the ending was.

As time went on, I found myself dealing with the loss in tiny increments, small units I could handle. I'd feel sad, or I'd hear funny story and tell myself, "I have to remember that so I can tell Dad," and then I'd remember that Dad wasn't there to tell the story to any more. I'd get nostalgic, and sit there and reminisce about things that happened when I was just a kid.

But any time I got to thinking about his death too heavily, I could feel my mind literally pick it up and put it to the back of everything else, just like you'd pick up a pan off the front burner and put it on the back of the stove. I don't think this was anything conscious; I think it was just an automatic defense mechanism. All of a sudden I'd just say, "I don't want to think about this right now", and I wouldn't. But it was more a case of my mind doing this, not a deliberate decision on my part.

Which brings me to the next point: there is no "proper" way to grieve. Everybody does it differently and everybody handles it differently. Ignore people who tell you, "Well, it's been X many months---snap out of it. Life goes on." The worst thing you can do is try to "snap out of it". Take all the time you need, as long as it takes. It may take months, it might even take a couple of years. It doesn't matter. It's your grief, and you have to take as long as you need to deal with it, because if you try to cut it short, you'll have worse problems later on, because the grief will come out, sooner or later---and it's better to get done with it now than have it come out at a much more inconvenient time later on.

Grief isn't something you can practice for. It's not something you can take classes in, or make preparations for. All you can do is roll with the punch when it comes, and do the best you can.

Hang in there, and God bless you, Bastoune. I know it hurts, but I've been there, and believe it or not, eventually it does get better, although it might not seem like it sometimes.

 

[thereselittleflower]

Hi my firiend . .

You have suffered loss . . you no longer have your father here with you . . you were not able to say good-bye to him the way you wanted to . . you were not allowed that special time with him, and this is your way of healing this hurt, this loss . .

We all grieve differently, and there is no right way or wrong way . .

Most importantly, do not think that you are wrong to have this pain . . this pain is a healing pain. Your heart is wounded . . allow it time to heal.

Be patient with yourself, do not try to rush this. Allow it to have its work in you . .

You loss is bittersweet . . and you are feeling both parts acutely right now . . this is normal and this is usual .. . .

There is nothing wrong in what you are feeling . .


Peace in Him!

 

[Cat59]

When my friend Caroline died, I felt an enormous loss, made worse because no one could get hold of me to tell me and I missed her funeral and found out from a stranger while I was on holiday. She had suffered so much and stayed so loyal to the Lord through her suffering that I have no doubt she is with him now.
But it didnt take away the sadness of missing someone I loved very much. Remember that Jesus wept at Lazarus's tomb, it is natural to feel this way. But like Martha and Mary, one day the rejoicing will be great.
I'll say some prayers for you Tim, that the Lord will send peace and consolation to you in this time

Cat

 

[ukok]

Tim, just got your pm...i don't know about the 'wisdom' comment though...you invited me to comment in your thread my friend, and that is why i am doing so. I am not for one moment suggesting that my pain is your pain, for the loss of a parent, is unfathomable until one experiences it themselves.

Tim, you hurt much, because you love much...that's the way of the heart.

12 years ago i had a silly argument with my fiance...we had a baby girl together, and things were rough for us, my fiance worked hard and long hours...i had little support and felt neglected, i had never been around babies and i suppose i had the baby blues, but i didn't realise, and everyone thought i was doing a pretty good job of things (everyone but me)...well, like i said, we had a row..in the heat of the moment, i suggested that we spend a few days apart...a cooling off period for us both, a time to reevaluate our relationship and hopefully to come together again, with the compassion and understanding and tolerance which had been lacking since the baby...we needed time for us as a couple, but since the baby had come along, there had only been time for the baby.

(stick with it Tim, i know you think this probably has nothing to do with how you feel)

Anyhow, Steve agreed to us spending a few days apart, the next day he found somewhere to stay, we both went to check out the place together, only renting it for the minimum possible time, which was two weeks...


So, i'm beginning to see a future for us as a family...Steve visits me everyday and sleeps at his rented flat at night, for the whole of the two weeks we remain a family intent upon building up our relationship, it really takes the pressure off that we are not arguing or picking fault with eachother, and we begin to talk enthusiastically of the weekend and of him coming home...we agree that the time apart has afforded us some breathing space.

Then he tells me that he has to work all the weekend...i'm sad, but i understand...he says he'll call and see us the next day, on Friday evening ...and he doesn't come.

I couldn't drive and i had no money, no phone...late on Friday i wrap up our baby and we walk to the nearest town and i phone Steve's mum from a phone box...asking her to go and see if Steve is ok...( Steve's flat had no phone either and the flat was near to where she lived)...his mum laughs off my worries, but i know that something is wrong, i can't explain it...

I go home, i'm frantic with worry, Steve always kept his promises...I think everyone is going to think i'm paranoid if i keep phoning his family and friends so i leave it...the next day, nothing...Sunday nothing..... Monday morning there is a knock on my door...our baby is sitting on the floor of the bedroom, i scoop her in my arms and go to answer the door...but i don't want to...there's something not right, but i don't know what it is...

I answer the door and two plain clothes police officers ask to come inside...they tell me that they have found Steve and that he is dead...i can't tell you how that moment torments me...i pleaded with them to check the body, there must have been some mistake...not my Steve...not my baby's Daddy, we were going to be married...live happy ever after...WHY!!!

Apparantly, his mother and sister had gone to his flat on the Saturday, and had found Steve in bed...they hadn't bothered to let me know, but had allowed the police to turn up on my doorstep the following monday when i was totally alone with my baby,two day's later...

Tim, i don't want to dominate your thread with my story, i just want to tell you that even now, feels like twelve years ago...the pain of losing someone who you love so incredibly deeply, never fades, but it does become more bearable...and there is even a time when you can say that persons name, without crying your heart out...really...

I wanted to die...i didn't envision a future without Steve in it...i just kept getting out of bed every morning (often wondering why God hadn't answered my prayers and taken me in my sleep..i so didn't want to go on)...and making coffee, and wandering around in a haze...crying, crying, crying....the pain in my heart...indescribable...you know that pain Tim, i know you do...but it won't be there for always...keep getting out of bed every morning, do the mundane routine things that force you to put one step in front of the other each day...keep looking heavenward and say whatever your heart wants to say...God understands, you know He's right there with you...

...i am sorry for the length of the post, i just wanted you to know that there is a time when pain subsides, truly there is...i hope that i have not offended you by being so personal about my personal loss, i do not want in any way to detract from your pain, your loss.

God Bless you Always.