More angry than I know

[briareos]

I am going through a divorce, sometimes I feel at peace and sometimes I feel grief, what bothers me is that I continue to lash out at my wife with accusations and I end up apologizing because I shouldn't have.

I did not and do not want the divorce, I feel like I fail to comprehend just how damaged I am on the inside. I feel like I may have swallowed my grief and masked it with something else, it keeps surfacing without my awareness and I keep apologizing. I don't think I really comprehend how torn I am inside or the true depth of my anger and grief. I have been struggling and pressing so hard to survive this time in my life... I think I have made myself unaware of what is really going on and the true depth of the damage.

 

[Tristan Johan]

I'm going through a divorce, too. I also didn't want it, and even though I've continually been faced with evidence that she is not good for me, I continually go through doubts. I feel like I have reason to be angry with her, yet my hands are tied, there is no way I can stop it. I've felt that impulse to lash out in frustration. My mind obsesses about my hurt, and I have difficulty throwing off the things I blame her for.

The only thing I've been clever enough to think to do is to give the thing distance. I mean in the sense of letting the distance between us grow long. I don't go to the old house anymore, so I don't see our family dog. If I do go to the house for packing stuff or picking up necessities, I try and make those visit fewer and more farther between, and I try and maximize what I accomplish with each visit; for example, I'll push myself to do more packing than I would have done under diffferent circumstances.

I've stopped calling her, and sending her texts. I've stopped encouraging her to go dancing and see our shared group of friends, since it's up to her how she wants to stay connected with them. I am not going to try and suggest activities to do together anymore, even though we're still somewhat friendly.

This distancing is something that she's already been doing, and it took me time to realize that I need to do it, too. Otherwise, I would probably be choking more often on the bitter pill of our circumstances.

I don't know how/in what way your situation differs from mine, and I will hold off on venturing to suggest anything (advice is a dangerous gift). I hope you figure out what will work best for you through the darkness of it all.

 

[briareos]

I understand and thanks. She got what she wanted and she has what is most important to her, I am the one left what I don't ever want to have or to face or deal with and having to learn how to live without what I treasure the most.

I am worried that I am mentally unstable (not that I will hurt anyone) but that more damage has been done to me than I understand and that is healthy for me to not know.

 

[Tristan Johan]

I am worried that I am mentally unstable (not that I will hurt anyone) but that more damage has been done to me than I understand and that is healthy for me to not know.

I think I can empathize with that quite a lot; for me it's a sense of "Oh, help me, I'm cracking up and there's nothing I can do to stop myself from breaking down into a basket case!" I've had my brain scanned and my readings interpreted, and all the problems that came up keep dancing around in my head; and because of the timing it's hard to separate it from the breakdown of my marriage.

This is partly why I've been...chasing myself away from her, so to speak. Pressuring myself to stay away. I want to live well. The "best revenge"; though I try not to think of it that way, because even that would poison my efforts to try and live well.

To a certain extent, I'm running from my diagnoses by burying myself in activities that are engaging my attention; and I find it hard to be too critical of myself because my obsessiveness means I'm already devoting enough thought (too much, even) to these problems anyway, and they have to be chased away.

That's the reason I'm doing things this way...

 

[briareos]

Right, you feel like there is a problem there that you can't fix but you are trying to avoid it, change it, but in the end your not really in control at all and your efforts aren't really helping at all?

I think that is how I feel, what I am afraid of. I feel like the anger inside of me, the despair inside is greater than my means to control or disperse, while sometimes I feel at peace when I tell myself I am or insist on being that, truly... there something else inside me that I cannot really fix or control and it inevitably surfaces without my awareness and without my control and it just leaves me a battered man, and reminds me that I am not well at all.

 

[blackribbon]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through these hard situations. However, as Christians we are not slaves to our emotions or feelings. As hard as it is (and I don't say this lightly), it is time to let go of your spouses and forgive them for hurting you. This forgiveness is for YOUR sake and not theirs...the anger and bitterness will harm you and prevent you from having healthy relationships in your life.

How to handle the pain and anger?...well, I'd suggest redirecting it. Find someone who needs help that you can offer. This might be a lonely person, or a child who needs some encouragement, or the list goes on. Look around you and find the pain that exists everywhere and try to lighten it in just one person. Take the focus off of yourself and realize that there are other people who are hurting just as bad as you are.

Next, live each day a moment at a time...don't let your mind wander too far in the future...you can forgive her and survive for the next minute...worry about the following minute when you get there...and continue doing this. Also, consider going to a counselor or psychologist ... traumatic situations can cause our body's chemicals to go out of whack and sometime anti-depressants can help get them back into normal ranges which allows us to cope better. This might look like getting the anger to levels that you know how to control. You are suffering from a form of depression...it has a real cause and is likely to be temporary if you face it. It takes strength to get help...don't consider this a weakness.

Finally, it is time to spend time with God. He knows how you feel. The rejection that He experienced on Calgary is no different ... only everyone rejected Him. He alone can comfort you in the way you need to be comforted. This is not a "pull your self up by the bootstraps" kind of moment. This is a "fall in the arms of God" type of pain. Regardless of how bad it feels, God is still in control and loves you deeply.