More and More lazy stay at home wives

Do you understand what ValleyGirl is saying here?

Most people - not just wives - would get testy with how you dealt with that.

She mentions that it looks fine - which WAS acknowledging your effort - and you start questioning her on the location of things?

Why would do that? Why was that important?

You assumed the worse, because she couldn't your question.

I don't even understand your logic here. I'd be totally lost.

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It seems like to me he wanted her to GET UP and be all amazed that he rearanged the pantry . And tell him how great he is and wouldn't know what to do without him .Especially because he is doing the work he thinks she should be doing going by Biblical standards.

Based on a previous post you made on this thread I would say you are a traditional SAHM by preference, not by conviction.

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Preference and conviction are not mutually exclusive . I am convicted to not murder I also PREFER not to .

It seems like to me he wanted her to GET UP and be all amazed that he rearanged the pantry . And tell him how great he is and wouldn't know what to do without him .Especially because he is doing the work he thinks she should be doing going by Biblical standards.

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Maybe. Personally I would have gotten up to look at it and I would have been very thankful. That's just me, because I do struggle with organization. God did not bless me with that skill, even though it's pretty crucial to managing a home well. But he did give it to my husband, and we both realize that now. So instead of butting heads over whose role is what in the family (as we did early in our marriage), we lay out our expectations and pitch in as needed. He will get things started, and I will finish them. I can maintain a household pretty well, but add in some new appliance or piece of furniture, and I feel like I'm playing tetris. I can't work around it. It's stressful, and I'm apt to tune out and put it off and let things pile up. So if my husband takes the time to reorganize things and get me past that hurdle, I'm appreciative. Isn't a person entitled to some affirmation when they go out of their way to do a favor? I'm not going to get up and look if my husband announces that he picked up a stray sock that fell out of the hamper. But reorganizing all the cupboards? I think that qualifies for some acknowledgement. Blowing him off would be a very rude way to reward that gesture.

And...I am sick and tired of you pounding the bible at me at every turn. Your inflexibility is what is causing the issues in YOUR marriage. I'll be switched if you DARE talk to me about marriage. You have what? One failed marriage and another one circling the toilet? Bubba...I've been married since I was 17 years old. I've been with my husband since I was 15 years old. I'll be 50 this year. I would think that I have significantly more expertise in what makes a marriage successful than you do. However, in your arrogance you can't see past the end of your nose.

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I don't have "quite" as many years as you do but close . But I don't think its even about time in . Its the fact that he is utterly miserable and the way he talks about his wife and its all because of his rigid ideals /cookie cutter role for male and female that would doom any marriage long or short term .

Anyone who boxes themselves in to some preformed cookie cutter role for themselves and OTHERS around them (how others can perfectly fit the mold in their head) will be just that . Boxed in .

Trapped .Deviation from the narrow definition of what it is to be "wife,husband ,parent ,child is going to feel like the word around them is collapsing . So things like "laundry" and cooking dinner can cause a crisis leading you to hate your spouse . When if you take a step back and look at it ? The only crisis is in the head of the rigid .

QueSeraSera said:

I don't have "quite" as many years as you do but close . But I don't think its even about time in . Its the fact that he is utterly miserable and the way he talks about his wife and its all because of his rigid ideals /cookie cutter role for male and female that would doom any marriage long or short term .

Anyone who boxes themselves in to some preformed cookie cutter role for themselves and OTHERS around them (how others can perfectly fit the mold in their head) will be just that . Boxed in .

Trapped .Deviation from the narrow definition of what it is to be "wife,husband ,parent ,child is going to feel like the word around them is collapsing . So things like "laundry" and cooking dinner can cause a crisis leading you to hate your spouse . When if you take a step back and look at it ? The only crisis is in the head of the rigid .

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See...that's the thing...marriage is all about changing, compromising, laying down certain expectations in favor of reality. What my marriage looked like 10 years ago is not what it looks like today. I never thought I'd add caretaker to a disabled spouse to my "resume". However, that's the way it is. I can get all angry and resentful that my husband isn't able to work anymore and get even angrier that there are days when its all he can do to get off the couch and go to the bathroom or I can accept that this is the way it is, and deal with the new reality or new normal. Given some things that happened in the past, I could have left my husband and nobody would have batted an eyelash over it. I can either keep throwing that up in his face at any conflict OR I can give it to God, forgive and get over it. My life right now is certainly NOT the way I imagined it would be...the kids are old enough that I don't necessarily have to be home 24/7, I was looking forward to being able to take vacations with just my husband and maybe staying at some of the fancy resorts for a weekend, a whole bunch of dreams and yes, expectations of what life would look like right now. However...reality is quite different. I can either build up a ball of resentment that he is now sick and not able to do those things and I can just make him feel like less of a husband and man OR I can give those expectations and dreams over to the Lord and know that HIS plan is the perfect one...I don't have to like it but I have to accept it.

Like I said upthread...while it can be hard to accept it, I am able to give thanks every day that my husband is alive. The rest is just decoration.

. Isn't a person entitled to some affirmation when they go out of their way to do a favor?

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Of course they are .(well not entitled but sure a that looks nice comment) But I don't think he went out of his way though to do her a favor . How was he doing her a favor if he also prefers the cabinets that way ? Especially if its resented and he wont forget he did that .

I think CG mentioned how she had moved some furniture around and organized during the day . She never said it was "doing her husband a favor " doing that and she "was entitled to affirmation .

Unless you look at every thing you do that benefits more than just your self as "doing the other person a favor " I can't get on board with that terminology .

If every night I put coffee in the machine so the next morning all I have to do is push on when I wake up its brewing and my husband gets a cup did I "do him a favor" ?

Sure I guess he could say 'I'm glad you do that so I don't have to " But I would do it either way for myself. So I'm not "doing him a favor."

We can enrich each others lives no doubt about that. But not everything I do or my husband does in our lives outside home and in is "doing a favor " for the other one .

Its really "nit picky" IMO to start looking at such things as "favors" to the other one.

GUESS WHAT ??? I changed the roll of toilet paper everyone so I did YOU a FAVOR!

If I do my husband a "favor"...oh...like laying out his meds for him...he MAY say "thanks honey" or he may not. It doesn't matter. I lay out his meds because I know exactly what meds at what time for him. I do it as an act of service.

He may do me a "favor" like replacing the TP roll in our bathroom. I might not say "thank you" to him but he doesn't end up as a ball of resentment about it, its just something that had to be done.

Its just not worth trying to keep track of "who owes who a favor". Really? Its not necessary. Some things just get done because they need to get done or something I want to do (yes, like reorganizing the pantry), I don't need affirmation for it. If I were to reorganize the pantry, I doubt I'd even say something about it. Hubby would go in there for something and discover everything had been moved around and then just ask "honey, where's the ...?" I certainly would not expect that he'd fall all over himself and make a big deal over it. He certainly would not just jump up and check it out and essentially kiss my hindparts over it either.

The OP is starting to come off as essentially insecure. He needs that constant affirmation that he is the man, he is right, he is all-knowing and wise. I think the OP needs to grow up some and realize that whatever expectations he had in his mind were not necessarily what was meant by his current wife. Yet, he's too stuck in his own righteousness and "conviction" to see that.

See...that's the thing...marriage is all about changing, compromising, laying down certain expectations in favor of reality.

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Indeed. Life is .

Some things just get done because they need to get done or something I want to do (yes, like reorganizing the pantry), I don't need affirmation for it.

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I just put a picture of it on FB at midnight and say "reorganized pantry" and I get about 20 "likes" . LOL!!!

The OP is starting to come off as essentially insecure.

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Very needy .

QueSeraSera said:

I just put a picture of it on FB at midnight and say "reorganized pantry" and I get about 20 "likes" . LOL!!!

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Yeah, that works too!!! Then I get 20 people asking if I can do theirs too!

When if you take a step back and look at it ? The only crisis is in the head of the rigid .

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I do think you're right. My husband and I started out with similar standards, because we both thought that was how it should be. But it didn't work for us. I can't be trapped at home all day, with only housework and childcare, every day. Sure, I can bear through it and do it. And did for a long time. But I am going to be miserable, I'm going to be unable to relate to my husband who has exterior obligations, and I'm not going to be the kind of well-rounded person my husband and kids need. My mom did it for 20 years, but when I asked her how she could stand it all those years, she admitted she hated it. She was happier when she got a job when her kids became teens. She and my dad had a poor relationship, in which she nagged and he was thoughtless. So I'm not sure it was worth it for them. When she got a job, she really felt happier (according to her) and her moods showed it, and she and my dad understood each other better. People cling to these roles, but I know few families who actually made this arrangement work.

I don't mean to make it all about my various family members. But when we were having our problems, my husband and I evaluated other people's families (what we could perceive anyway, and what they would share) and I just can't say I saw that dynamic work a lot. Or ever. I mean, I've seen the stay-at-home mom dynamic work plenty, but it is very much tailored to the wife's expectations and wishes, rather than the husband's directive. So I'm going to have to say, I just don't know that the "traditional" dynamic is best or even good. I think maybe it worked in certain cultural settings, whose dynamics we don't really understand now, and it leaves something to be desired when applied to the modern family. (Just think about all the endeavors of the Proverbs 31 woman, and how they are outdated. She spins wool with her hands, feeds her maidservants, buys vineyards and sells handmade garments. Today, those endeavors wouldn't be efficient or, in many cases, even possible. Yet she is still a good example for women if we take the spirit of her endeavors and apply it to modern life.) If a household standard consistently fails to result in strong marriages and families, I have to question whether it is actually biblical the way it is being applied.

Yes!!! My mom was a SAHM until I was 10 or so...she HATED it. She had been a professional pianist prior to marrying my father. He made her give it up when they married. She returned to teaching music once I got old enough to take the bus to school and make my own lunches. Some of my daughters are not SAHMs and they love their lives. One is a SAHM and she loves it. My one daughter who had a baby back in July went stir-crazy and went back to work at the beginning of December. I'm fairly certain that if they have another one, she'll probably work part-time.

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHW/M. I arrived at it by default, married young and lots of babies along with being a military wife. I sort of wish I had waited to marry, gone to college and had other opportunities. However, this is my life, a life my husband and I chose and that's that. I can't imagine having a career and then giving it up (and the freedom that goes with it) to stay at home all day.

I also know that if my husband walked around all day as a smoldering ball of resentment, I wouldn't exactly be receptive to anything he had to say. (been there, done that when he first had to quit working).

My husband and I started out with similar standards, because we both thought that was how it should be. But it didn't work for us. I can't be trapped at home all day, with only housework and childcare, every day. Sure, I can bear through it and do it. And did for a long time. But I am going to be miserable,

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I was a little bit the other way around. But for the lack of appreciation and the fact I didn't earn any money I was like a duck in water at home with kids. I was never miserable .(maybe exhausted and unappreciated ) . But had energy and eagerness about my day .I was really a natural and did well . Days flew by .

I think I would have made a good kindergarten teacher if I was paid. And cab driver ,and nurse ,and counselor LOL!!!

My one daughter who had a baby back in July went stir-crazy and went back to work at the beginning of December.

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My DIL acted like she was a martyr for staying home for 10 weeks (she had a c-section ) for having my grandaugher in June. She will actually look at me and say I KNOW ! I was at home for 10 WEEKS ! She's serious . She is saying that to me . I just laugh .

QueSeraSera said:

My DIL acted like she was a martyr for staying home for 10 weeks (she had a c-section ) for having my grandaugher in June. She will actually look at me and say I KNOW ! I was at home for 10 WEEKS ! She's serious . She is saying that to me . I just laugh .

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My daughter was an elementary school nurse and made it to the end of the school year. She actually quit at the end of the year because she THOUGHT she'd want to stay home. Well, baby was born in July (she had a C-section too) and by September decided it was time to look for another job. She found one at the local children's hospital in one of the clinics. She LOVES her job. Her husband is a high-school teacher and assistant athletic director. It works for them.

It's not just moms, it's the kids. My kids get whiny if it's just me and them at home all day. They like to have variety in their routine. (And I don't just mean activities. They like to talk to other people.) They are much happier to see me in the afternoons than on my stay-at-home days. My daughter particularly needs this change of company; she is such a social butterfly. Kindergarten was the best thing that ever happened to her.

With babies it's a little different, because they only want one person ever. But they are little cry machines, so stay-at-home motherhood is worst with them!

akmom said:

It's not just moms, it's the kids. My kids get whiny if it's just me and them at home all day. They like to have variety in their routine. (And I don't just mean activities. They like to talk to other people.) They are much happier to see me in the afternoons than on my stay-at-home days. My daughter particularly needs this change of company; she is such a social butterfly. Kindergarten was the best thing that ever happened to her.

With babies it's a little different, because they only want one person ever. But they are little cry machines, so stay-at-home motherhood is worst with them!

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This is why, when we decided to homeschool, we always had the kids involved in outside activities. They needed that social outlet beyond their own siblings and backyard. Also, living on military bases where there's usually a hoard of kids running around made it easier for them to have friends. My kids NEED that outside stuff. They enjoy being with their friends, hanging out somewhere other than our rec room (although they usually end up here). Right now, the boys are outside skateboarding at the park in our neighborhood with some of the other kids, my daughter is at dance class (dad feels good enough to do the driving duty today).

BUT...I honestly can't see some of my girls giving up their careers for a family. Of the 6 girls, two of them are home full time. One runs her own business from home and the other is a SAHM. The other 3 grown ones have careers outside the home. My 16 year old...who knows!

I don't mean to make it all about my various family members. But when we were having our problems, my husband and I evaluated other people's families (what we could perceive anyway, and what they would share) and I just can't say I saw that dynamic work a lot. Or ever. I mean, I've seen the stay-at-home mom dynamic work plenty, but it is very much tailored to the wife's expectations and wishes, rather than the husband's directive. So I'm going to have to say, I just don't know that the "traditional" dynamic is best or even good. I think maybe it worked in certain cultural settings, whose dynamics we don't really understand now, and it leaves something to be desired when applied to the modern family. (Just think about all the endeavors of the Proverbs 31 woman, and how they are outdated. She spins wool with her hands, feeds her maidservants, buys vineyards and sells handmade garments. Today, those endeavors wouldn't be efficient or, in many cases, even possible. Yet she is still a good example for women if we take the spirit of her endeavors and apply it to modern life.) If a household standard consistently fails to result in strong marriages and families, I have to question whether it is actually biblical the way it is being applied.

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Yep, Life is custom...and you need to do what works for your family.

Sadly, I think at times when certain teachings are taught? They tend to veer into the ridiculous realm at times. i don't know how many articles I have seen on facebook regarding 'lists' preachers make with the do's and don't for the women's roles. They way they word them? Even the men make comments about how they sound afraid more than anything.

Some of the other types of articles are so silly, but BOY do people get up in arms over them Understandable at times, but I don't think the ones that write them up see the shamed based language and demeaning tones. They are so caught up in their own little 'spiritual' bubble, and are so used to people screaming AMEN ... they are to disconnected from people's lifes.

I remember reading parts of story written by a pastor telling women a story about a wife working in her yard. A stranger that was lost stopped, and asked for directions. It was a man in the car, and the preacher told her how to 'give the directions in a submissive way' so the man wouldn't 'feel' her authority. Honestly? I just thought it was DUMB, and laughed about it. The way he worded it was wrong, and the saddest part he was perfectly serious about thinking someone needed to instruct wifes like that. 1) I doubt the guy that needed the directions mind would even GO that far in this thinking (viewpoint from preacher), and 2) does he seriously think women are so naive they need that type of counsel? On driving directions??

Seriously?! The poor preacher didn't even understand why everyone was talking about this 'ahem' counsel he felt was so wise. Yep, talk about OUT THERE!

It seems at times the messages are so far removed from the reality of most of the members lifes. They are so insulated that they don't understand how much day to day lifes have changed.

Some of the preachers get into trouble over silly things they say, and one thing they have learned from culture? "I didn't mean it that way, you misunderstood me!" Just this week a video of John Piper had emerged once again for his counsel to abused wives, and I bet he wished he would have never opened his mouth. I think it took him 5 years before he would respond to that bad counsel video, and what he said STILL didn't make any sense. Sadly, i think too many people enable these men and they get too used to "YES MEN" - much like celebrities do.

You know what is neat about the Proverbs 31 woman in the Jewish tradition? Remember its OT here. During the Friday night supper the husband sings this to the wife as a form of thanks for all she did that week. You can see the different examples of that on Youtube. What's strange is we use it as some 'checklist', and it seems that wasn't the purpose.

Lastly, the way they whine on and on about the 1960's feminists? lol you would it was last week's news, and not over 50 years ago! When I speak to my children and their friends? I tell them stories of when I grew up - and they were high rolling then - and they just sit there in awe. They never heard of such a thing. Yet, its taught this is 'common knowledge' today. What's up with that - say the kids say.