We all in marriages have bad habits, and we have to come to acceptance of them many times. But some bad habits affect relationships more than others. Again this is me venting, I need to find a way to gently get her to do more, without a direct confrontation. That is very difficult to do.
As far as "the two wifes in a row that are "lazy." You might have a valid point if you didn't know anything about me. Is it possible I am just some overlord who if my wife sits for a second to watch TV I think she is lazy? IF that were true you would have a point. But I am not, and I am not exaggerating about the hours my wife spends on the couch, we talked about it in front of the doctor and she did not deny it.
At times you just need to accept things they way they are, and learn to work around them as well. Accept the fact that you will be doing things 80% of the time as you put it, and find ways besides resenting your wife to lighten your load. Its called choice, and we all have it.
Early in our marriage - YEARS AGO - he came out of remission, and we were newly married. He was on high doses of meds that made him agressive. He would scream about how he does 98% of (fill in the blank). He was so blinded he couldn't see the 98% of time I do other things. It was hard to accept that it was the pain, and meds talking. I honestly wanted to knock him in the puss. We had choices to make. He and I were going to have to learn boundaries at times his health became an issue, or quite frankly it would tear our relationship into peices. He would NOT dare go near that statement today. No doubt we both feel it at times, but we also know if we marinate in it? The costs are huge.
We can't have the 'traditional' viewpoint, because loads of factors in our lifes. We can sit and what if things to death...or make choices just like you have. ie: I do most everything, and she does nothing.
When you have the 5 children over? Accept that you are going to do most of the care-giving, and the kids sound old enough they can pitch in. They are old enough to do laundry to help out, and do dishes, and heck even cook! I mean you mention they have a pretty decent relationship with their step mother, and honestly the rest of it is just gravy.
I get it - believe me. I have a husband who has major health issues, and his doctor tells him to be more active as well. He has periods of time in which he will, but most of the time don't count on it. He spends most of his time in pain due to his condition, and the pain sadly will always be with him.
He does nothing as far as housework, etc. I suppose I could sit and brew, but I also have a choose to accept things for my own mental health. He will do things if I ask him too, but much like parents say about teenagers...why should I have to ask right? (laughs!) Instead I try to appreciate the good job and effort he does when its requested. Which choice will benefit our family life better?
Its not easy to work with the pain, or work past the pain. Its his life, and he alone has to make the decision to get more active or not. Yes, it effects others. I can't do anything about it, and me sitting here concentrating on how much I have to do because he can't? My attitude is going to suffer, and resentment will settle in.
I learned a long time ago that he has physical limitations - with physical therapy or not - that will always be there. I could sit and get mad at the fact he can't do things that the tradition husband does. I will tell you there was times in our marriage that this happened too. I also have a choice to figure out a way if the load is too much for me to lighten it...or deal with it. Yes, its my choice to resent things or figure out a way to work around them. Heck I could also sit and resent either of those choices too! Which choice will benefit our life better?
My husband does work, and I have to realize that I honestly don't know how I would be in his position. He tries to the best of his ability to be the stereotype about men that you have written about here.
Sadly, I think this is where the liability comes as far as boxes goes. People are custom, and they will color outsides the lines...because they are human. Not because they don't understand their role, and sadly when concrete expectations are there? Resentment grows when they can't fulfill it.
I see it here on this board, and in my own life all the time. My spouse doesn't do this, and its taught they are suppose to do that - and they ignore the awesome person they married instead. Life needs to have a custom view, because that is how life works. Boxes give unmet expectations from what I have seen and experienced. They just are plain unrealistic in most circumstances, and don't allow us to concentrate on the good parts as often. Its really sad. The spirit of the roles is fine if that is what works for you, but the person you married isn't capable of it? You pick off pieces of the relationship, and you may never get it back.
Our circumstance is different than the tradition mold, and so is yours. Trying to jam a round block in a square hole? Its never going to work, and you have a choice to keep jamming it in - or accept the custom and beautiful shape your family has instead. Which choice will benefit your family?
If you are just going to concentrate on how you feel her bad work ethic at home defines whom she is overall? Lets face facts here - your going to be miserable by choice. Its going to effect your outlook, attitude, and worldview overall. She will pick up on it, and she may even return the attitude in her own way.
Its called human nature, and YEP that is outside the box too. Yet, its a reality. Something that the traditional outlook doesn't consider, because they seem to feel if you were in the box labeled gender, person, or what have you? Life would be awesome. lol as IF!
Your wife it sounds like has more of a work outlook compared to the traditional home body. You are expecting her to be a good artist when she is engineer at heart. It just doesn't work. It never will, and you have choices as well. You can admire her work ethic on the job, and school - and find ways of transferring that over to her outside the workforce...or be miserable that she isn't capable of living up some standard you have in mind for wife. It is what it is.
My husband has activities outside the house that I personally would NOT wish to participate in, but honestly he is good at them. I see passion there. Its not my cup of tea, but I enjoy watching him participating in them. I guess I could think to myself - WELL he doesn't fulfill the traditional gender role...and so he should be showing passion towards that instead. Yep, I could that. We would all suffer, and I do have that choice. Which choice will benefit our life better?
Have you noticed that 80% of time you seem to cut her down, and 20% of the time you are considerate of her? Been there myself Muse! I had a choice to make. check my own attitude at the door, and find a way to be happy...or allow myself to stew in my own juices.
You need to find ways of working around those roles in your mind, or sadly you will always have more negativity in your life...by choice. Its not going to be easy, but darn it all...which would benefit your family more?
You will be surprised in time how much everyone will change once your expectations change. You might be surprised how much life has changed once you have accepted what others are capable of - and what they are not. Yes, it does change your world view.
lol and I placed a negative spin on the H on purpose here to make a point ONLY!
Just sayin.
