Moral due to circumstances

[FlaviusAetius]

I'm in a bit of a crisis after realizing that I'm only moral because God/life/whatever hasn't put me in a desperate situation.

When I think about it though, not having bad things happen to me is the only reason I can view myself as more good than evil. However going over different scenarios I realized just what a horrid human being I am and even worse Christian.

For instance, if a stranger came at my door I would not help them due to fear of my own life and callousness. I already feel numb to the suffering of strangers like the Syrian refugees. I have hate in my heart for many kinds of people and only repress it out of social pressure. If I had an unborn child diagnosed with a mental retardation, deformity or if it was a child by a rapist I'd hate it enough to want it dead. There are other scenarios but this two stick with me atm.

So now I feel like love doesn't actually exist for me, I'll never love something unconditionally. Any child I might have will only be cared about if it's healthy and doesn't ruin it's life in adulthood. So why even attempt to lie to myself that I can be a good Christian or even a good person? The only hope I would have for salvation is if God never sends me these challenges in life; and in that case shouldn't God know my heart and see what a vile human I am?

I don't see the point in bothering with being moral, maybe I should just accept I'm evil and only am held back from barbarism and evil actions due to comfortable living in a stable first world nation.

 

[LoAmmi]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I would have been saying very similar things about a decade ago due to some deep seeded issues I had due to my childhood. I am wondering if we had some similar thoughts.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

I'm 23 right now. If you're comfortable talking about it, might I ask what were the issues you had as a child? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want too, it's personal and I can respect the desire for privacy.

 

[LoAmmi]

I was severely bullied from basically the time I was in Kindergarten though when we moved to another city in 9th grade. It escalated to the point that I was fighting three and four on one battles nearly every day. Teachers and administrators wouldn't listen to me. I spent a long time really hating people, thinking they were dirt or worse. Hardly even liked people who were friends and family, to be honest. Also had a lot of trouble viewing other people as "real".

 

[FlaviusAetius]

Ah, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I simply didn't have much deeper rooted attention from anyone, any acquaintance I made only lasted until the school year ended, always being a fifth wheel friend people spoke too when their real friends weren't there and basically being a loner from primary to high school. But family was always there, even when my folks split up.

Honestly I'd prefer being left alone over getting negative attention like you described your own life. Never really got bullied, which I'm grateful for. Can't begin to guess what's wrong with me then.

 

[LoAmmi]

Ah, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I simply didn't have much deeper rooted attention from anyone, any acquaintance I made only lasted until the school year ended, always being a fifth wheel friend people spoke too when their real friends weren't there and basically being a loner from primary to high school. But family was always there, even when my folks split up.

Honestly I'd prefer being left alone over getting negative attention like you described your own life. Never really got bullied, which I'm grateful for. Can't begin to guess what's wrong with me then.

I'm happy you didn't experience what I did then. I would have been a lot happier just being left alone. Even to this day I still need some time alone every day or so.

It might be hard to do, but have you considered consulting either your priest or a therapist about this? There are a lot of disorders that can cause detachment from people (I spent a lot of time looking them up as I recovered from my problems). Might be that you have something like that and you can be helped though it. As for what do do now? Fake it. I mean that sincerely. Do what you can to be the best person you can be and don't let up. Force it to become habit.

I remember reading once that the difference between a jerk and a nice guy is a year of practice.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

Heh, yeah if I'm being honest a lot of the time I do feel like I've been faking it. It isn't like I dislike being "good" to people I just don't feel like it's coming from a genuine place in me.

Still that doesn't help when considering God. As I said, doesn't he know I'm faking it? Not that I'm worth saving right now, if I died right now I'd surely go to Hell. It just makes it hard to even desire to change if I know I'm detached and callous inside.

 

[LoAmmi]

Heh, yeah if I'm being honest a lot of the time I do feel like I've been faking it. It isn't like I dislike being "good" to people I just don't feel like it's coming from a genuine place in me.

Still that doesn't help when considering God. As I said, doesn't he know I'm faking it? Not that I'm worth saving right now, if I died right now I'd surely go to Hell. It just makes it hard to even desire to change if I know I'm detached and callous inside.

Can't help you with the Christian understanding. I know my own faiths answer but not yours.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

You need to pray for the transforming grace from Jesus Christ.

Too many Christians begin by believing that change in themselves comes from their being good. It doesn't work that way because we're damaged human beings.

The healing process comes from the grace God gives us, but we have to be open to Him and be willing to surrender ourselves to his will.

Prayer is the key

Jim

 

[Davidnic]

We would teach that you're worth saving no matter what. Some people are given the grace to be good with ease and some people struggle. What you call faking it is what I might call trying to be good even when inside you are battling a different impulse.

Some people have to battle a callous and unfeeling inside to get to a different point. Some people never overcome it and struggle all their life. But they are not vile and unworthy of salvation.

and this may sound cliche but as far as thinking you'll never love someone unconditionally... that is something you never know until it happens. Many who think they could do it end up realizing it's very difficult for them when it's not hypothetical. And some who think they'll never do it find it easy when it actually happens.

 

[Rhamiel]

you are not a very moral person right now

ok

none of us are exactly where we should be right now
you have something to work on
pray, fast, give to the poor

those are the basic things Christians do to get better when they have spiritual problems

talk to your priest, maybe he can give you more personal advice?