Mom issues

[Jothman]

I'll first start off by saying I know I'm not perfect and know I should be judging myself before others, and I am somewhat hard on myself in that way. I try to "be a perfectionist" in my life and do the best I can to follow the word and make myself a better christian. I'm in my 20's too if that is relevant.

My mom. This is the biggest one. Straightforwardly, she's a compulsive shopper, compulsive coffee drinker, compulsive eater, and has terrible ocd in that she can never sit still or relax(I think from all the caffeine). What do you think is the best way to help her fix these things? I was thinking maybe a therapist because I've tried talking to her and helping her with her diet but she has zero self control and is addicted to caffeine which I can't stop her from drinking because she is her own person and has her own car. And whenever I do try to help her, she just argues and yells and says "she doesn't need help". This has led to her becoming a 5'2'' 200lbs 55yr old woman with knee, feet, back problems, heart fribulation, and a heart murmur. And to make matter worse, my family history has lots of heart problems in it: Great grandpa died of a heart attack in his 50's and grandpa had a heart condition he needed medication for from the time he was in his 40's till his death. So she is a prime candidate for a heart attack or similar and this extremely stresses me out. And she never has followed through with any exercise programs we've tried her to start, and we've tried dozens. On the compulsive shopping, let's just say she works a $20k/yr job and spends literally 90% of it on clothes she overdresses for at work and fast food she overeats with. Luckily my dad makes a decent salary or we'd have serious financial issues. My dad is a quiet guy, but I know this hurts him too seeing her spend so much on meaningless stuff and literally eating herself to death with fast food and sugary foods.

Any ideas on what else we can or should do? Psychiatrist? Intervention?

 

[ChrisHolland619]

Whew boy. Where to begin.

First off, the human desire to be a "better" Christian is a fallacy and an illusion. That stems from your need to feel like you did something yourself. Only when you realize you have NOTHING to offer God will you appreciate the righteousness of Jesus Christ that we are to put on as our shield from Gods sin-judging gaze. Only by Christ are we made free. ONLY by Christ. No good you will EVER do will make you a "better" person to God. Love God. Love others, no matter who. Spread the saving Gospel. Then, you are doing all you can. Nothing more.

Secondly, your mother is a grown woman who is making these decisions on her own free will. Do I know why? No. God does, talk to Him about it. Pray for her. Show her in the Bible where it says her body is the temple of God, and we should protect it and make it healthy, to better be lights for others.

 

[saved24]

Whew boy. Where to begin.

First off, the human desire to be a "better" Christian is a fallacy and an illusion. That stems from your need to feel like you did something yourself. Only when you realize you have NOTHING to offer God will you appreciate the righteousness of Jesus Christ that we are to put on as our shield from Gods sin-judging gaze. Only by Christ are we made free. ONLY by Christ. No good you will EVER do will make you a "better" person to God. Love God. Love others, no matter who. Spread the saving Gospel. Then, you are doing all you can. Nothing more.

Secondly, your mother is a grown woman who is making these decisions on her own free will. Do I know why? No. God does, talk to Him about it. Pray for her. Show her in the Bible where it says her body is the temple of God, and we should protect it and make it healthy, to better be lights for others.

^ this and I will also say a prayer for your Mother and I know I am not alone in praying for you and your Mother. God bless.

 

[Ark100]

You are not judging your mom, you are simply worried about her. There is always a difference between those two.
Many people lead unhealthy and bad lifestyle and as a loved one, you cannot help but feel sorry for them, try to help them or even feel anger at some point.
You are normal to feel the way you do, it just simply shows you care. Those who do not care about others are the ones who keep quiet about everything or even pretend that they don;t see it happening.

Its true your mom is an adult, but you can pray for her. Its a cycle things which seems to be repeating itself and its an unhealthy cycle. Sometimes, those things needs to be broken. Someone has to say 'No more" or simply resist and decide to change or be different. Your mom isn't doing that. Circumstances may have led her to how/who she is now. Little bad habits have ended up destroying so many people's lives. They start little and then they get out of control.

Pray for her, then talk to her. Let her see how much you care, and the pattern/cycle and how it endagers her life and show her how much you want her to be around for a long time. KEEP praying in the midst of it all. Rome was not built in a day. Trust and faith in God can change the most difficult situation.

 

[tbogunro]

I'll first start off by saying I know I'm not perfect and know I should be judging myself before others, and I am somewhat hard on myself in that way. I try to "be a perfectionist" in my life and do the best I can to follow the word and make myself a better christian. I'm in my 20's too if that is relevant.

My mom. This is the biggest one. Straightforwardly, she's a compulsive shopper, compulsive coffee drinker, compulsive eater, and has terrible ocd in that she can never sit still or relax(I think from all the caffeine). What do you think is the best way to help her fix these things? I was thinking maybe a therapist because I've tried talking to her and helping her with her diet but she has zero self control and is addicted to caffeine which I can't stop her from drinking because she is her own person and has her own car. And whenever I do try to help her, she just argues and yells and says "she doesn't need help". This has led to her becoming a 5'2'' 200lbs 55yr old woman with knee, feet, back problems, heart fribulation, and a heart murmur. And to make matter worse, my family history has lots of heart problems in it: Great grandpa died of a heart attack in his 50's and grandpa had a heart condition he needed medication for from the time he was in his 40's till his death. So she is a prime candidate for a heart attack or similar and this extremely stresses me out. And she never has followed through with any exercise programs we've tried her to start, and we've tried dozens. On the compulsive shopping, let's just say she works a $20k/yr job and spends literally 90% of it on clothes she overdresses for at work and fast food she overeats with. Luckily my dad makes a decent salary or we'd have serious financial issues. My dad is a quiet guy, but I know this hurts him too seeing her spend so much on meaningless stuff and literally eating herself to death with fast food and sugary foods.

Any ideas on what else we can or should do? Psychiatrist? Intervention?

1.) Don't judge yourself because God isn't judging you.

2.) Don't try and be perfect because you'll fail EVERYTIME. In fact in God's eyes when you're saved you're already PERFECT because your spirit (the real you) is perfect (Hebrews 10:14). So LET God enable you to walk this perfection in the natural world

3.) There comes a time when God is saying "son step back and watch your father work". THIS IS THAT TIME! Bring your mother in prayer to your father and LET Him handle it.

4.) Now LEAVE your mother alone and watch your dad work in her. Key word is "LEAVE". Because as long as you keep stepping in, your father will step back. Two people can't work on the inside of someone at the same time, not enough room, so it's either you or God.

5.) THANK your dad continually DAILY day after day because you didn't get to spend any money on helping her, she's going to be a better her, and you get to see just how much God answers and LOVES you!

 

[Goodbook]

not intervention or psychiatry but prayer and intercession helps.
Ask Jesus to help you with your mom situation.

He can do what you and your dad can't.

concentrate on your own walk and fast and pray in secret, your mom may see you do this and wonder how you can have peace that she doesn't. Just praise God at all times and event thank Him for your mom, remember it is not HER but the enemy trying to get to you through her. Don't get mad at her get mad at the devil.

 

[seashale76]

Of course, express your concern/worry for her- but don't push. Simply reiterate your love for her. It sounds like you already harp on her, which explains her defensiveness. She obviously knows she has a problem. Most people realize they do. However, you keep saying 'we', which is nice and all, but at the end of the day, only your mother can decide to make any changes in her life. Nothing you do/say will ever help her until she decides that she wants to begin doing, making changes, and following through on them.

 

[LilLamb219]

Do your parents have a planned monthly budget? If not, perhaps you could approach your dad about working with your mom to get one started and hopefully they can stick with it. That might help control the spending and the fast food eating if it's not in the budget.

As for your mom's weight, wow, that's a tough topic and one that can make or break a woman. She knows she's overweight, so no one has to tell her. She knows she eats poorly, so again, no one has to tell her.

My suggestion is maybe a few times a week plan family walking days to help get some exercise in? Encourage it, not demand and don't state why. She might be grateful for the family time and the exercise?

I'll first start off by saying I know I'm not perfect and know I should be judging myself before others, and I am somewhat hard on myself in that way. I try to "be a perfectionist" in my life and do the best I can to follow the word and make myself a better christian. I'm in my 20's too if that is relevant.

My mom. This is the biggest one. Straightforwardly, she's a compulsive shopper, compulsive coffee drinker, compulsive eater, and has terrible ocd in that she can never sit still or relax(I think from all the caffeine). What do you think is the best way to help her fix these things? I was thinking maybe a therapist because I've tried talking to her and helping her with her diet but she has zero self control and is addicted to caffeine which I can't stop her from drinking because she is her own person and has her own car. And whenever I do try to help her, she just argues and yells and says "she doesn't need help". This has led to her becoming a 5'2'' 200lbs 55yr old woman with knee, feet, back problems, heart fribulation, and a heart murmur. And to make matter worse, my family history has lots of heart problems in it: Great grandpa died of a heart attack in his 50's and grandpa had a heart condition he needed medication for from the time he was in his 40's till his death. So she is a prime candidate for a heart attack or similar and this extremely stresses me out. And she never has followed through with any exercise programs we've tried her to start, and we've tried dozens. On the compulsive shopping, let's just say she works a $20k/yr job and spends literally 90% of it on clothes she overdresses for at work and fast food she overeats with. Luckily my dad makes a decent salary or we'd have serious financial issues. My dad is a quiet guy, but I know this hurts him too seeing her spend so much on meaningless stuff and literally eating herself to death with fast food and sugary foods.

Any ideas on what else we can or should do? Psychiatrist? Intervention?

 

[Goodbook]

Just to add, I had a friend who had similar sorts of problem, not as bad as your mom but happens to many women, I think maybe going for walks with her is good plan, just once around the block each day, say you need some fresh air and would she like to come, or maybe mention a destination she like to go to even if just the shops, at least she won't be using her car to go. And say its faster and saving money so she can spend a bit more instead of wasting it on petrol.

With the coffee, that's a hard one as many people are addicted but if she goes out for coffee maybe go with her and order hot chocolate and suggest she try it instead it is better than coffee and also most chocolates come with marshmallows, it is not so addictive and actually more calming.

Eating..well, you have to pray about this one, ask Holy Spirit who gives the fruits of temperance (self-control, or discipline) into her life, you can't do it for her, but she may know already she has a problem so you can say the Holy Spirit can help (is she a christian?) as he is our helper and Comforter. She may be eating for comfort. Remind her that the Holy Spirit is our comforter helps us and makes us feel better and that Jesus came to send us the Holy Spirit. She needs to humble herself, admit she can't do it on her own and ask Him for help.

Keep praying everyday and ask God for help on ideas on what to do or say. Also keep looking in the Bible, a verse that helps me is that we don't need to worry what we eat or drink, or wear, if we seek the Kingdom first all these things will be added to us.

 

[parsley]

My mom. This is the biggest one. Straightforwardly, she's a compulsive shopper, compulsive coffee drinker, compulsive eater, and has terrible ocd in that she can never sit still or relax(I think from all the caffeine).

First off, the human desire to be a "better" Christian is a fallacy and an illusion. That stems from your need to feel like you did something yourself.
Secondly, your mother is a grown woman who is making these decisions on her own free will. Do I know why? No. God does, talk to Him about it. Pray for her.

She knows she's overweight, so no one has to tell her. She knows she eats poorly, so again, no one has to tell her.

My suggestion is maybe a few times a week plan family walking days to help get some exercise in? Encourage it, not demand and don't state why. She might be grateful for the family time and the exercise?

It sounds like the family has already been more intrusive than she can handle. Many of those habits come from anxiety, not anything "wrong" or evil she has done. A working parent trying to maintain a household, manage property, and balance in relationships carries a huge burden.

Heart problems are more often caused by heredity and how a person manages stress, than by the things you are seeing her do.

One time I was overly stressed and feeling compulsive, and I felt like God was calling me to cut back on work. In all sensibility I needed to increase hours rather than cut back. But when I did, I realized there were compulsive things I was doing to fill my only spare time. I went to movies to calm down and escape. I bought things ahead, out of fear I might not be able to afford them later.
And coffee... don't talk to me about coffee.

Less is more. Less attention to what is wrong can improve anxiety-related problems.

From experience, I would recommend that you completely cut out your "helpful advice." It comes across as rejection and insults to her, increasing her anxiety. She knows what she does.

"And she never has followed through with any exercise programs we've tried her to start, and we've tried dozens." --That would make me move out of the house. It is not your business, or even her husband's business, how much she exercises.

In the meantime, make sure you are doing what you need to support living in her house -- helping with meals and dishes, lawnmowing and shoveling, grocery shopping, laundry, garbage, repairs, getting the mail, turning out lights/locking when you leave the house, maybe paying a few bills, repairing the vehicles, helping prepare for holidays, buying presents for relatives, checking in on grandparents and neices/nephews... those sorts of things.

If you are concerned about her eating fast food, then make her healthy lunches. Many people eat out because they had no time to shop and prepare food. She might also be working overtime, leaving less time to keep up with everything at home. And yes, take relaxing walks with her and talk -- support what she is doing for you and the family.
Does she get a chance to rest? Rest and acceptance can be great remedies for compulsive activity.

 

[parsley]

Another thing to look at:
You mother is in her fifties. Menopause causes changes in a woman beyond her control (men also get this), and you are probably seeing her looking older. These are things that DO happen to almost every 50-something woman:

1. Muscle mass diminishes
2. Weight gain, especially around the abdomen
3. Memory lapses and lowered mental energy (hence relying on coffee)
4. Sleep interruptions (more coffee to get through a day)
5. Increased anxiety or irritability
6. Other things you didn't mention, like hot flashes, wiry gray hair, and frequent urination

These are changes that happen to every woman in different amounts, that do not come on by anything she did wrong. They are common human changes. Men get some of these symptoms too. Your parents are getting older.

Look at it a different way -- you are at the prime of your life, where your body treats you well.

"30% of women aged 50 to 59 are not just overweight but obese....
With lower estrogen levels, lab animals tend to eat more and be less physically active. Reduced estrogen may also lower metabolic rate, the rate at which the body converts stored energy into working energy...
Aerobic capacity declines. This is the rate at which you can use up energy during exercise."

Causes of Menopause Weight Gain & Exercise Benefits

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

I'll first start off by saying I know I'm not perfect and know I should be judging myself before others, and I am somewhat hard on myself in that way. I try to "be a perfectionist" in my life and do the best I can to follow the word and make myself a better christian. I'm in my 20's too if that is relevant.

My mom. This is the biggest one. Straightforwardly, she's a compulsive shopper, compulsive coffee drinker, compulsive eater, and has terrible ocd in that she can never sit still or relax(I think from all the caffeine). What do you think is the best way to help her fix these things? I was thinking maybe a therapist because I've tried talking to her and helping her with her diet but she has zero self control and is addicted to caffeine which I can't stop her from drinking because she is her own person and has her own car. And whenever I do try to help her, she just argues and yells and says "she doesn't need help". This has led to her becoming a 5'2'' 200lbs 55yr old woman with knee, feet, back problems, heart fribulation, and a heart murmur. And to make matter worse, my family history has lots of heart problems in it: Great grandpa died of a heart attack in his 50's and grandpa had a heart condition he needed medication for from the time he was in his 40's till his death. So she is a prime candidate for a heart attack or similar and this extremely stresses me out. And she never has followed through with any exercise programs we've tried her to start, and we've tried dozens. On the compulsive shopping, let's just say she works a $20k/yr job and spends literally 90% of it on clothes she overdresses for at work and fast food she overeats with. Luckily my dad makes a decent salary or we'd have serious financial issues. My dad is a quiet guy, but I know this hurts him too seeing her spend so much on meaningless stuff and literally eating herself to death with fast food and sugary foods.

Any ideas on what else we can or should do? Psychiatrist? Intervention?

first let me say that from your first statement i get the impression that you have missed some basic truths about salvation. the whole point of salvation is not so you can get a bye for the bad things you did and have another chance to be perfect, but to bring you into fellowship with God so the His situational leading will bring you closer to perfection (as in 'completeness', not lack of error).

OCD is another name for the search for peace - it sounds like your Mom is trying to fill the place inside each of us that only God can fill. the best thing you can do for her is to influence her to come into a loving relationship with God, and let Him lead her out of OCD. in order to help Him help her, you first need to look to Him for your own situational direction and forget about being a perfectionist - this won't happen for you in this life. instead, focus on hearing His situational leading by studying His word for examples and practicing seeking His leading in little things as well as big ones. if you do the best you can to stay in fellowship with Him and follow His situational leading as confirmed by His written word as revealed to you through the Holy Spirit inside of you, you'll get closer to perfection than you ever will by trying to follow His written word on your own, and be the most effective at leading her into fellowship with Him so that He can lead her out of these things.