Mom, getting in the way of my relationship!

[Ainustorm]

I have been dating my g-friend for goin on 11 months. We have decided we would like to get married someday. She is living on her own, and i basically spend almost every waking moment with her. My mom, who I love and honor, has issues of me spending all this time with my g-friend... instead of spending time with family. People, I am 25, and I cannot get it in her head, I AM NOT 16 anymore. My g-friend and her do not c eye-to-eye... only because my mom comes accross as criticising/ and nit picking. I see it myself... an so have others. My mom will also nag on me to make my g-friend do something that she does not have to do. I have been standing up to mom, in a respective way. It is starting to make it hard to spend time with my family bc I am fearing she will start the criticism and nit picking to my g-friend. I kno my mom has good intensions, and I have told her to stop. But ever since she first met my g-friend... she has not started a great relationship with my G-friend. I told her she was pushing my g-friend to open up to fast, and she criticises and tries to control, but she just gives me that she is mom, she does not need to change and my g-friend needs to get over this.

Just want to know of any advice, use scripture if possible, and would love older couples to put in there 2 sense. PLz if you are going thru somethin similar, let me kno what you have done.

By the way, my mom is the only one that has a problem with my g-friend, even my dad likes her.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

Genesis 2:18:
18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:24:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.



I know you aren't getting married (yet), but I do think both passages apply to your situation. Have you tried having your father talk to your mother about it?

Sorry I couldn't be of more use.

 

[Ainustorm]

Genesis 2:18:
18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:24:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.



I know you aren't getting married (yet), but I do think both passages apply to your situation. Have you tried having your father talk to your mother about it?

Sorry I couldn't be of more use.

Its cool, ty! Um yeah I have, but my mom has a way to influence my dad. They r both Christians and very conservative. It is hard to have parents understand. Mom also has a habit of mentioning how she would be doin the relationship, and how they did theirs... and that they decided to marry after 4 years of dating to make sure it is the right relationship. Which during that time, my day was in the coast Guard, so yeah they did not get to spend so much time together.

 

[Solidlyhere]

I think the answer concerns your Dad.

I can't imagine that quoting a few Verses to Mom is going to change her mind about your Honey.

If Dad likes Honey, then HE should sit down with Mom.
He can tell Mom to stop picking on you, and Honey.

This should work especially well, if your Mom's a Christian, and her Church is into submission.


It sounds like you live at home. Is this True?

"My mom will also nag on me to make my g-friend do something that she does not have to do."
This is left-over stuff from your childhood.
Why do you allow your Mom to nag away at you?
You are 25 now; it's time to demand some adult respect.

But, if Mom can't treat your Honey well, then keep your Honey away from Mom.
I would tell Mom: If you can't treat Honey with respect, I will NOT allow you to talk with her.
This will serve 4 purposes:
1) It will make your Honey feel like you will protect her (now, and in the future);
2) It will "train" your Mom ... you are an adult, and you will make your own decisions;
3) It can make Mom feel "out of the loop" ... and more likely likely to change her bad behavior (absence makes the heart go fonder);
4) Show your Mom that you are NOT 16 anymore (rebel against her bad behavior).

And, I would tell your Mom: "One reason I spend all of my time with my Honey is: You are griping so much at me and her that I choose to not be here with you."
Actually, this is probably the reason (at times) anyway. Isn't it?

 

[Ainustorm]

I think the answer concerns your Dad.

I can't imagine that quoting a few Verses to Mom is going to change her mind about your Honey.

If Dad likes Honey, then HE should sit down with Mom.
He can tell Mom to stop picking on you, and Honey.

This should work especially well, if your Mom's a Christian, and her Church is into submission.


It sounds like you live at home. Is this True?

"My mom will also nag on me to make my g-friend do something that she does not have to do."
This is left-over stuff from your childhood.
Why do you allow your Mom to nag away at you?
You are 25 now; it's time to demand some adult respect.

But, if Mom can't treat your Honey well, then keep your Honey away from Mom.
I would tell Mom: If you can't treat Honey with respect, I will NOT allow you to talk with her.
This will serve 4 purposes:
1) It will make your Honey feel like you will protect her (now, and in the future);
2) It will "train" your Mom ... you are an adult, and you will make your own decisions; and
3) It can make Mom feel "out of the loop" ... and more likely likely to change her bad behavior (absence makes the heart go fonder).
4) Show your Mom that you are NOT 16 anymore.

And, I would tell your Mom: "One reason I spend all of my time with my Honey is: You are griping so much at me and her that I choose to not be her with you."
Actually, this is probably the reason (at times) anyway. Isn't it?

Yeah very true, I have been keeping a distance, to be honest my Honey, as you put, does not see my mom until sunday. So yeah, it has helped alot. That is also what others say... keep distance... until your mom gets it. I do not live at home... I hav an apartment... where my honey stays. I live there, but sleep at my parents house. So I do not sleep with my g-friend... if any1 wonders. I have confronted my mom on the issue of nagging me, and I have been standing up to my mom for my honey. I did mention to my dad, why my honey and I do not visit more... explaining that my mom criticises my honey and nit picks. Then I told him I am an adult, let me make my decisions (other words, stop trying to control the way things are going). And I told him, to explain to my mom, I am not a 16 yr old... she cannot be telling me how to run my relationship and life. I do not kno if he told her or talked to her about it.

I do not allow her anymore... I just listen to what she has to say, and then I do it my way, and God's way. The other big one my mom does is, to clearify to people the type of nagging I get... at least once a week. Why, are staying over at the apartment that late 11pm-midnight, you guys cannot be watching to tv that late, what could you be doin that late, you should come home earlier, lol. It has gotten old, I do not let it bother me. As you put it, I am an adult... and she needs to let me make decisions now, and not try to make it her way.

All of this has made it close to pushing my Honey and I to marriage faster than planned. I am treading water

 

[Solidlyhere]

The OP said: "The other big one my mom does is: Why, are [you] staying over at the apartment that late 11pm-midnight, you guys cannot be watching to tv that late, what could you be doin that late, you should come home earlier."

This is the PERFECT time to tell Mom: "I don't want to be here with you, because of your Bad Behavior."

This should be your answer every time.
Mom gets to NOT see you, because she doesn't deserve to see you.
And, until she deserves to see you, she is NOT going to be seeing you.

And, if you guys all go to Church together, I would bring this up with your Pastor.
Ask him to sit your Mom down, and tell her to leave you alone.
Never underestimate the power of humiliating Mom this way; it may well make her shut up.

In your response, you said you haven't asked Dad to tell your Mom to stop nagging at you.
Is this a viable thing? Or, does Mom "blow off" your Dad's authority too?

 

[Ainustorm]

The OP said: "The other big one my mom does is: Why, are [you] staying over at the apartment that late 11pm-midnight, you guys cannot be watching to tv that late, what could you be doin that late, you should come home earlier."

This is the PERFECT time to tell Mom: "I don't want to be here with you, because of your Bad Behavior."

This should be your answer every time.
Mom gets to NOT see you, because she doesn't deserve to see you.
And, until she deserves to see you, she is NOT going to be seeing you.

And, if you guys all go to Church together, I would bring this up with your Pastor.
Ask him to sit your Mom down, and tell her to leave you alone.

In your response, you said you haven't asked Dad to tell your Mom to stop nagging at you.
Is this a viable thing? Or, does Mom "blow off" your Dad too?

I have asked my dad, do not know if he talked to her. But as for she brushes what he says over, do not know... it seems that way. Our family use to go to a biblical counselor a few years ago... when I still lived there. My parents, mostly mom, did not like the fact my sister and I were not jumping up to do extra work arnd the house. SO we had a talk. Now the counselor knows our family... and knows how my mom is... my mom had requests and my sis and I had our own requests. My sis and I did our part, but my did not do hers. The counselor told her...she needs to do her part... otherwise do not expect us to do ours. My mom would not listen... and if the counselor did not fit my moms desire, then my mom would go find someone who did and use them as her reference, lol. So if the advice or answer did not fit my mom's desire, it was invalid. So yeah it has been a fight... my mom is stubborn.

I can see how your advice will be helpful in future, I guess in the long run, I wanted to know if I was sinning or being dishonoring by being harsh to my mom.

 

[Solidlyhere]

"I guess in the long run, I wanted to know if I was sinning or being dishonoring by being harsh to my mom."

From what you have said, you aren't being harsh to Mom.
She is being especially harsh to you, however.

I would ask you: "Is your Mom sinning by being so harsh to you?"
If she ain't sinning, then you (being much kinder, and less stubborn) certainly aren't sinning.
You are asking for your Mom to stop harassing you. If you need to be a little harsh, this is because your Mom is harassing you (and you would like her to stop harassing you).

How has your Mom treated (mis-treated) HER Mom?
Have Grandma and her been at odds over any issues?
If Mom has been harsh to her Mom, then that gives you permission to be harsh with your Mom.
Turnabout is fair play.

If you are asking about the 10 Commandments (honor thy father and mother), this has to do with sullying the Family name in public. It doesn't say: OBEY your father and mother every day of your Life. It means, don't go telling others all of the bad things your parents have done.
Edit: And it CERTAINLY does not mean: Allow your Mom to harass you for years, without trying to have her stop from harassing you for many years to come.

 

[Ainustorm]

"I guess in the long run, I wanted to know if I was sinning or being dishonoring by being harsh to my mom."

From what you have said, you aren't being harsh to Mom.
She is being especially harsh to you, however.

I would ask you: "Is your Mom sinning by being so harsh to you?"
If she ain't sinning, then you (being much kinder, and less stubborn) certainly aren't sinning.
You are asking for your Mom to stop harassing you. If you need to be a little harsh, this is because your Mom is harassing you (and you would like her to stop harassing you).

How has your Mom treated (mis-treated) HER Mom?
Have Grandma and her been at odds over any issues?
If Mom has been harsh to her Mom, then that gives you permission to be harsh with your Mom.
Turnabout is fair play.

If you are asking about the 10 Commandments (honor thy father and mother), this has to do with sullying the Family name in public. It doesn't say: OBEY your father and mother every day of your Life. It means, don't go telling others all of the bad things your parents have done.
Edit: And it CERTAINLY does not mean: Allow your Mom to harass you for years, without trying to have her stop her from harassing you for many years to come.

No she is not harsh with her mom. I will be certain, not allow her to get under my wings, lol. But yeah, the distance has been working... so like i said, just wanted to make sure it did not come across as doing somethin wrong. Because I had decided to put my girl first, since I am hoping to marry her.

 

[Solidlyhere]

"I had decided to put my girl first, since I am hoping to marry her."

Wise conduct.

 

[madison1101]

Keep setting boundaries. Read the book "Boundaries." Pray for your mother. She is sinning in that scriptures say that parents are not to exasperate their children. (I think it is in Ephesians 5).

My mother and mother-in-law were meddlesome, and I finally put m foot down. I refused to see my mother for almost a year until she saw a psychiatrist, because she was so horrible to me. I also witheld my children from her during that time.

I bent over backwards to NOT be meddlesome, but to love my then future kids-in-law. I love my son-in-law and my daughter-in-law very much. I stay out of their relationships, and do not comment on them. That is a boundary I do not cross, as that is their business.

My sons strayed from the Lord, and lived with their girlfriends. I told them that what they do under their roof is between them and God, and I would not comment on it. (I did point out that birth control would be a good idea until they were ready to marry.) I always treat my daughter-in-law, and other son's girlfriend with respect and love.

Your mom needs a spiritual kick in the pants. She probably needs counseling or therapy.

God bless you as you try to leave and eventually cleave.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[madeclean]

I read your post and I thought I would comment. It sounds like your mom needs to be taught some boundary rules in her dealings with others. You can address this in a respectful but firm way. If your mom cares more about preserving a lifelong relationship with you than in forcing her views on everyone else, then she will listen.
Even if you were in full-out rebellion and far from the Lord, it is her job to love you, set a good and respectful example, and speak truth and love to you.
It is never okay for her to run over you, disrespect you or your girlfriend, or order around an adult child, or any child for that matter.
You seem to have shown yourself to be loving, respectful, and sensative toward her in many ways. She is fortunate and she needs to be shown what a healthy relationship with her adult children looks like.
I suggest moving out and putting some emotional and physical distance between the two of you. Keep being kind and respectful, but also protect your dignity and privacy by being firm and show her that you command respect too.
Of course you should have a separate home from your GF, no question.
All the best to you.

 

[Ainustorm]

I read your post and I thought I would comment. It sounds like your mom needs to be taught some boundary rules in her dealings with others. You can address this in a respectful but firm way. If your mom cares more about preserving a lifelong relationship with you than in forcing her views on everyone else, then she will listen.
Even if you were in full-out rebellion and far from the Lord, it is her job to love you, set a good and respectful example, and speak truth and love to you.
It is never okay for her to run over you, disrespect you or your girlfriend, or order around an adult child, or any child for that matter.
You seem to have shown yourself to be loving, respectful, and sensative toward her in many ways. She is fortunate and she needs to be shown what a healthy relationship with her adult children looks like.
I suggest moving out and putting some emotional and physical distance between the two of you. Keep being kind and respectful, but also protect your dignity and privacy by being firm and show her that you command respect too.
Of course you should have a separate home from your GF, no question.
All the best to you.

Basically I have moved out, I only sleep at the house. I have no responsibilities at my parents house. My g-friend stays at the apartment. I usually only see her every Sunday, Saturday morning, and some evenings. But I understand, right now I am looking for a new job, anywhere... lol Out of state or more than 2 hr drive from my parents. To give some space, that is needed.