Ok, I really need cheering up tonight. Let's see what I can dig up from the ol' collection....
A man travelling by plane had to take a rip-roaring **** and desprately needed to use the mens room is tapping his feet impatiently. Every time he tried to open the mens room door the light flashed "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his problem calmly told him he could use the ladies room and told him not to press any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked, "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR".
So he goes in, pulls down his pants. He notices the four buttons the stewardess described to him earlier.
He thought about what the stewardess said, but his curiosity got the best of him so he decided to push the buttons anyhow.
He pressed the first button marked "WW" and warm water sprayes his entire bottom.
"WOW!" "These women have it made!" he thought to himself.
He pushes the second button marked "WA" and warm air quickly dried his butt.
He thought it was awesome so he pushes the third button marked "PP" and a large powder puff applied talc all over his butt.
By this time he thought he was having the thrill of a lifetime.
He press the fourth button marked "ATR"...
He wakes up in the hospital. He freaks out and buzzes the nurse. The nurse arrives and he cries out, "WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!" "THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS I WAS IN THE LADIES ROOM ON A BUSINESS TRIP!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, and you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button.
The guy asks, "What does "ATR" mean?"
The nurse replies, "AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER." "And by the way, your willie is under your pillow."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, " Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
* A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
* An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
* MIND GAMES FOR DOGS TO PLAY WITH HUMANS
After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel you dry! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When your humans come home, put your ears back, with tail between your legs and chin down, and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. Note: This works best when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
Help your humans learn patience. When you go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
* The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
* An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some upset husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."
"So stop!" the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"
* ...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."
* HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to workcomplaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
* A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave aroundthe cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A man travelling by plane had to take a rip-roaring **** and desprately needed to use the mens room is tapping his feet impatiently. Every time he tried to open the mens room door the light flashed "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his problem calmly told him he could use the ladies room and told him not to press any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked, "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR".
So he goes in, pulls down his pants. He notices the four buttons the stewardess described to him earlier.
He thought about what the stewardess said, but his curiosity got the best of him so he decided to push the buttons anyhow.
He pressed the first button marked "WW" and warm water sprayes his entire bottom.
"WOW!" "These women have it made!" he thought to himself.
He pushes the second button marked "WA" and warm air quickly dried his butt.
He thought it was awesome so he pushes the third button marked "PP" and a large powder puff applied talc all over his butt.
By this time he thought he was having the thrill of a lifetime.
He press the fourth button marked "ATR"...
He wakes up in the hospital. He freaks out and buzzes the nurse. The nurse arrives and he cries out, "WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!" "THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS I WAS IN THE LADIES ROOM ON A BUSINESS TRIP!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, and you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button.
The guy asks, "What does "ATR" mean?"
The nurse replies, "AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER." "And by the way, your willie is under your pillow."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, " Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
* A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
* An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
* MIND GAMES FOR DOGS TO PLAY WITH HUMANS
After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel you dry! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When your humans come home, put your ears back, with tail between your legs and chin down, and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. Note: This works best when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
Help your humans learn patience. When you go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
* The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
* An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some upset husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."
"So stop!" the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"
* ...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."
* HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to workcomplaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
* A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave aroundthe cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
