I think I'm overall getting better, but I still have a ton of blasphemous and evil thoughts. It's gotten to the point where I've unintentionally done things like writing for an assignment "(answer, answer, answer) I'm scared" or be texting and like "(reply, reply, reply) I'm so scared". It doesn't help that I tend to sort of whisper or uncontrollably voice my thoughts when I get too anxious. I voiced wrong thoughts and have terrible fears over them. I have a problem with what I call mute-screaming, basically while intending to stay silent on the outside without fully vocalising I sort of whisper scream and tear up my throat a lot.
Honestly sometimes I wonder if I was ever even saved. Thinking about the catholic perfect contrition (which I've heard defined as sorry for your sin NOT out of fear of hell or punishment but because you wronged an innocent, holy, perfect God who deserves better). Lots of people tell me, like my pastor when I was crying about the unforgivable sin (Matthew 12:31-32, Mark 3:28-30, Luke 12:10), and say "But you're so upset by your sin! You must be saved." I'm terrified. I don't think terror is a sign that you're saved, and the other extreme is if you think you might not be saved you aren't because you don't have perfect faith (this view is rare I think but it's out there.) Something that gets me a lot is this website Evangelical Outreach (Dan Corner) and the images on that sight (specifically this one)
Practice Sin | Habitual Sin | Lifestyle Sin | Occasional Sin
Make me imagine God on judgement day looking at me with pure wrath and sending me to eternal torment in the outer darkness. People switch between God only judges is for intentional thoughts or our true hearts and it doesn't matter if you deny the faith but don't mean it you technically did it and are destined for eternal hell.
I never believed in fate (although I believe God is all-knowing and all-powerful, I didn't believe that there were things that could be completely irreversible until things like the unpardonable sin and apostasy (Hebrews 6:4-6)) so this stuff REALLY scares me. Like the idea I could spend the rest of my life crying out to God only to be ignored and cast out because I was stupid and committed some big sins.
Edit for clarification: I haven't done that in a while of unintentionally writing about being afraid or "please forgive me" (within the last few weeks but not a regular thing). Also in case the link doesn't shoot you to the right picture since there are a lot on the page, it's the one with one person that's so burnt it's like more of a humanoid shape than a person in the section after it talks about the lake of fire.
Honestly sometimes I wonder if I was ever even saved. Thinking about the catholic perfect contrition (which I've heard defined as sorry for your sin NOT out of fear of hell or punishment but because you wronged an innocent, holy, perfect God who deserves better). Lots of people tell me, like my pastor when I was crying about the unforgivable sin (Matthew 12:31-32, Mark 3:28-30, Luke 12:10), and say "But you're so upset by your sin! You must be saved." I'm terrified. I don't think terror is a sign that you're saved, and the other extreme is if you think you might not be saved you aren't because you don't have perfect faith (this view is rare I think but it's out there.) Something that gets me a lot is this website Evangelical Outreach (Dan Corner) and the images on that sight (specifically this one)
Practice Sin | Habitual Sin | Lifestyle Sin | Occasional Sin
Make me imagine God on judgement day looking at me with pure wrath and sending me to eternal torment in the outer darkness. People switch between God only judges is for intentional thoughts or our true hearts and it doesn't matter if you deny the faith but don't mean it you technically did it and are destined for eternal hell.
I never believed in fate (although I believe God is all-knowing and all-powerful, I didn't believe that there were things that could be completely irreversible until things like the unpardonable sin and apostasy (Hebrews 6:4-6)) so this stuff REALLY scares me. Like the idea I could spend the rest of my life crying out to God only to be ignored and cast out because I was stupid and committed some big sins.
Edit for clarification: I haven't done that in a while of unintentionally writing about being afraid or "please forgive me" (within the last few weeks but not a regular thing). Also in case the link doesn't shoot you to the right picture since there are a lot on the page, it's the one with one person that's so burnt it's like more of a humanoid shape than a person in the section after it talks about the lake of fire.
