Miracles

[BenDare]

Dark clouds of fear loomed overhead
and joy, like summer's sun had fled.
A flash of lightening streaked down
exploding doubt with light and sound.
The thunder-echoes seemed to say,
"The God you know is here today!
Though clouds may hide Him from your sight,
such miracles declare His might."

A tiny rosebud wrapped so tight
in possibilities seemed dull
and insignificant until
a camera, compresing time,
showed me another miracle.
It danced in sunshine, drank the dew,
and even as I watched it grew
until the swelling shell of green
could not contain the glowing sheen
of urgent color deep within.
With ballet grace the calyx skin
curled down revealing fragrant lips
that kissed the summer breeze.

Why must I hurry so through life
that nothing seems miraculous
unless it dazzles sated senses
with the flash and crash of lightening?
Attune my being, Lord, to see
expressions of your diety
in all the many things you do
that fill the world about me to
the overflowing with such miracles
as both the lightening and the rose.

 

[yakkmeister]

Stanza one:
Rythm is superb.
The flow, though not technically meterd, was natural and flowing...
untill the last line.
It's too short.

Stanza two:
Very nice. I love the use of imeges!
There were some oblique rhymes, but they flowed wel enough.

Stanza three:
Also very well done.
However this one is hampered by a weak ending line.

Overall:
The rythm is generally good, though far from flawless.
The rhyming structure is loose and often looses the reader, but not fatally.
The overall structure is more like 3 seperate poems tacked together.

Overall a competent work, but it would be beneficial to work with some established strutures for a good grounding on the many varied tools a poet has to play with.

 

[BenDare]

Thanks. I appreciate your analysis, but am puzzled by some of it. I do not pretend it is flawless, but the rythm is consistantly 4 iambs per line, so how is it "loose"? I am not sure what is meant by, "not technically metered." I am not being defensive here, I am just trying to see this the way others see it so that I can improve. - BD

 

[yakkmeister]

Dark clouds of fear loomed overhead
and joy, like summer's sun had fled.
A flash of lightening streaked down <- this line
exploding doubt with light and sound.
The thunder-echoes seemed to say,
"The God you know is here today!
Though clouds may hide Him from your sight,
such miracles declare His might."

A tiny rosebud wrapped so tight
in possibilities seemed dull
and insignificant until
a camera, compresing time, <- this line
showed me another miracle. <- this line
It danced in sunshine, drank the dew,
and even as I watched it grew
until the swelling shell of green
could not contain the glowing sheen
of urgent color deep within.
With ballet grace the calyx skin
curled down revealing fragrant lips
that kissed the summer breeze.

Why must I hurry so through life
that nothing seems miraculous
unless it dazzles sated senses <- this line
with the flash and crash of lightening?
Attune my being, Lord, to see
expressions of your diety
in all the many things you do
that fill the world about me to
the overflowing with such miracles <- this line
as both the lightening and the rose.

I have read it again; and I am convinced I was on some halucinagenic substance when I wrote the rythm thing,

It *is* technically metered, well done, but there are some words that are rendered differently, faster, and thus require an unnatural breaking to match your meter.

The lines marked include these type of words.
You can either re-write the words, break them up with apostrophes or put it down to linguitic rendition.

That is to say; those lines may be spoken differently in Aus' than in USA.

My goodness!
How i missed the brillaince of this poem?
I shall never know.

My most sincere apollogies.

 

[BenDare]

Thanks again, Mate. You are exactly right about those lines. I struggled with them, but had to settle for the way they are. I still hope to improve that last one you marked. - BD

 

[Hands&Feet]

Very nice. I personally think the last line captures my senses. The power and beauty of His divine wonder.
When I write, I set it out to dry and come back a while later...sometimes a long while and if there is anything missing it will make itself known. But, I like it just as it is. If you see the miracle in lightening and roses, you will eventually see many more wonders beyonf your imagination.