Midlife issue -- getting discouraged

[Jenster]

Hi everyone,

Here's a question that lies close to my heart: How do you persevere at midlife? What do you do when dreams have not materialized?

A little background on me: almost 40, never married, in two relationships this decade that weren't so healthy for me, haven't experienced being loved for who I am.

For years, I was optimistic that romantic love would happen for me. It was just blind faith; I didn't even really think about it. Last year, I was tossed aside for a younger woman, which has led me to feel like I've wasted my 30s in relationships that didn't amount to anything. It's like waking up and realizing you're no longer in that ideal marriageable age. My blind faith has evaporated. I'm getting tired of persevering! I feel hopeless!

How do you get over the disappointment that life has not turned out like you'd hoped? How do you move on?

I do know the passage from Romans that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, but really, I just feel so hopeless these days. I can't even muster enough faith to be excited about the possibility of something happening ... sigh!

Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, sympathies, Scripture welcome! Thanks...

 

[caitlincares]

Jenster

I just turned 40 and never married. I am content in my single state.
I have accepted the possiblity that it may be God's will that I remain single.
And I am really okay with that. Actually feel so more freeing now.

[bible]Hebrews 13:5[/bible]

 

[Linkie]

Hmmm....not an easy one - i do totally relate as i am in a similar position and have quite a few friends in their late 30's. I felt quite down about it and decided that the best thing to do is to be more proactive....i went onto a Christian booksite and found some books that deal with the issue - thought i should learn from others who have done singleness well. i have also recently decided to get more serious with God about it - have committed the issue to Him and trying to lean more on Him than trying to do it all in my own strength. i have also had to look inwards and see what my issues are and what i am telling myself about my current status. i have recently started a daily journal which focuses on the positives of the situation and am trying to change my mindset and set daily goals etc....so far, i am feeling a lot more positive and am now quite excited about what lies ahead while appreciating this time in which my relationship with God is growing....hope that encourages you....mark 5 v36 'do not be afraid, just have faith' - you have to find it in yourself to want to be positive about things - takes as long to focus on the good or bad - it is a choice. Dont give up - God works miracles. Pray for what you want - God is a good God and wants the best for you. Linkie

 

[Linkie]

one last thought...we have to take responsibility for our decisions which have directly led us to where we are today....try and learn from the relationships you have had, the reasons you were drawn to them, the warning signs that were possibly overlooked, your role in the breakdown etc. Not easy to do, but useful if you dont want history to repeat itself...it can get better. L x

 

[Jenster]

Hi Caitlin, Linkie, thanks for taking the time to reply! Caitlin, I appreciate the Scripture. Covetousness is definitely one of my tripping points . I went over to your Strong Content Women site, and browsed. Thanks for setting that up! Can those who merely *aspire* to be content join as well?

Linkie, thanks for sharing your story. It IS encouraging! It's especially true that those of us who are tired of doing things on our own strength need to LET GO and give our issues up to God. Any particular books you would recommend?

I just find it discouraging that, though God may want the best for me, I have not always made the wisest choices, and now I am stuck with the messy emotional aftermath of those choices. I'm not where I wish I were. How does one accept that?

Perhaps you've already answered my question in your advice to be positive, though. Start looking at the good things about life right now and don't worry that I'm not where I thought I "should" or "would" be. Maybe I do create needless anxiety for myself, lol.

 

[caitlincares]

Hi Caitlin, Linkie, thanks for taking the time to reply! Caitlin, I appreciate the Scripture. Covetousness is definitely one of my tripping points . I went over to your Strong Content Women site, and browsed. Thanks for setting that up! Can those who merely *aspire* to be content join as well?

You are most certainly welcome to the Strong Content Single Christian Women Club. SCSCW club for short
We are there to uplift each other. And I think we are always striving to be more content.

I shared my notes from a Christian book I just read called How To Build Your Christian Character.
On the first post there are links to the 7 different characteristics.
I still have the summary to post and that will give you an overview of what was shared.

Update: summary has been posted.

 

[Linkie]

hi Jenster....i have ordered a book from amazon called 'Sassy, Single, and Satisfied' by Michelle McKinney Hammond - there is an interview with her on Christianity today - i havent read it yet so cant recommend it, but it sort of caught my eye. i am more or less going through a similar questioning and thats why i thought a book by someone who has gone through the same thing could help.
as regards the previous 'bad' decisions - it is in the past, so try to learn from them and move on and not repeat them. i am also not where i would ideally liked to have been - but on the other hand, going through a few knocks definitely builds character and helps us identify with other peoples struggles and makes us nicer people. It is too late to cry over spilt milk (the past) but look at the decisions you make today and understand they will determine where you are tomorrow. God can turn things around in a moment - we just have to do our bit, which is seeking him and putting His word (thoughts) into our hearts and minds and pray for wisdom in our decision making.
i do understand a lot of how you feel - its not ideal, but one cannot judge the game at half time - there is still so much ahead - try use the time wisely. xx

 

[Jenster]

You're both such a blessing. Thank you so much. Caitlin, I'll be watching the site. And Linkie, you're right -- the game ain't over till it's over. There are plenty of comebacks, in sports and in life. (Hm, maybe that's why guys like sports so much...) The woulda/coulda/shoulda attitude gets us nowhere. There was never a preset plan for our lives, only what we thought was going to happen. I'm starting to accept it might be okay to be "somewhere else" afterall.

 

[Linkie]

hey Jenster - thought i would drop you a line and ask how you are doing....also just to say that i also have wobblies every now and then...it is normal - but have to watch what you are telling yourself all the time....sending strenght, protection and blessings, L

 

[KeilCoppes]

Hi Jen, I know where you are - I had the same thing go by within the last month, who knows when it'll go by again. All I know is that you have to have something in order to give it to someone, and if all that something is is pain and hopelessness, then that's not it. At least that's what I've come to.

What I .have. learned is that if I'm to have a personality to give to someone, then I need to have a life that's first worth living and enjoying, and then worth sharing. So I keep trying to work on smiling and enjoying the blessings that God continues to gives, so if I'm a prune by the time God ordains me to be married, I'll have had a happy life up to that point and still
be a happy, vibrant person enjoying his wrinkles and sharing them.

Sounds like a cliche, doesn't it? Well, it's an answer that I keep getting
happier living with, even in hope for the future one way or the other, and it's a true one. What is the purpose of mankind? To glorify God and .enjoy. Him forever!

I hope you find your smile - God gave it for a reason, and it makes you feel better! And it's something to share. Sometimes to have more you have to let it go. That doesn't make it go away, rather it gets you to the day when it may come. :^)

 

[Jenster]

I'm here, and hanging in. God has been good to me, for sure. I think He's teaching me to roll with it and enjoy, rather than trying to control what happens in life. It's definitely a challenge, but He's leading me step by step. I'm trying to figure out where my boundaries are now, because I think part of me getting so down is that I let things happen and then I feel like the world is unfair. Gotta change that one!

Anyhow, I appreciate your checking in on me, Linkie! And thanks for the reminder, Keil. To Him be the glory. You're both giving him glory through your caring.

 

[KeilCoppes]

And BTW, I have discovered the massively therapeutic qualities of a walk in the cool of the morning, with the smell of the grass, and the sounds of the birds greeting the day. :^)

(and little things like getting rest, being healthy and eating well - big difference)

 

[Tavita]

You are most certainly welcome to the Strong Content Single Christian Women Club. SCSCW club for short
We are there to uplift each other. And I think we are always striving to be more content.

How do I get to the Strong Content Single Christian Women Club??

Tavita

 

[caitlincares]

How do I get to the Strong Content Single Christian Women Club??

Tavita

Here is the link. Come on over: http://www.christianforums.com/t733876

 

[Jenster]

Hello, again, everybody! I hope you're having a beautiful day.

I just had to post about something. Before, I was getting discouraged about midlife, but God has recently shown me I can also appreciate being older.

I've been working in a ministry team for the past month, and have come to see that I am "steadier" as an older person than some of my younger teammates. There are lessons the LORD has taught me over the years that allow me to be - how shall I put it? - mellower and more big-picture focused. I am more free than I used to be from that tendency to want to control things.

This realization is a real boost, and I feel really glad to see that 'where I'm at' does have its positives. Praise Him!

 

[caitlincares]

Hello, again, everybody! I hope you're having a beautiful day.

I just had to post about something. Before, I was getting discouraged about midlife, but God has recently shown me I can also appreciate being older.

I've been working in a ministry team for the past month, and have come to see that I am "steadier" as an older person than some of my younger teammates. There are lessons the LORD has taught me over the years that allow me to be - how shall I put it? - mellower and more big-picture focused. I am more free than I used to be from that tendency to want to control things.

This realization is a real boost, and I feel really glad to see that 'where I'm at' does have its positives. Praise Him!

Actually I can relate to that a lot.

Nice to see you posting again.

 

[Rand1956]

Hello, again, everybody! I hope you're having a beautiful day.

I just had to post about something. Before, I was getting discouraged about midlife, but God has recently shown me I can also appreciate being older.

I've been working in a ministry team for the past month, and have come to see that I am "steadier" as an older person than some of my younger teammates. There are lessons the LORD has taught me over the years that allow me to be - how shall I put it? - mellower and more big-picture focused. I am more free than I used to be from that tendency to want to control things.

This realization is a real boost, and I feel really glad to see that 'where I'm at' does have its positives. Praise Him!

That's terrific! I have been going through much the same thing and have slowly been realizing some of the same things as you. Thanks for the inspirational post!