Methodist Jokes

[Chris81]

Hey Everybody,

I think the Wesley's Parish could use some light hearted conversation and a good laugh. I intend to use this thread to share jokes that involve Methodists and invite y'all to do the same.

I will start the thread off with some jokes I found on the internet.

Several churches in the South decided to hold union services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.
"How many Baptists are here?" he asked on the first night of the revival?
All except one little old lady raised their hands.
"Lady, what are you?" asked the leader.
"I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.
"Why are you a Methodist?" queried the leader?
"Well," replied the little old lady, "my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."
"Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all your relatives had been morons, what would that have made you?"
"Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose," the lady replied meekly.

 

[Chris81]

Here is a joke that I have posted before on Christian Forums.

 

[Mr Dave]

There's a large ecumenical do, but so far only the Methodist minister, the Roman Catholic Priest and the Anglican vicar have turned up. Whilst they wait for the others to arrive, the priest strikes up a conversation to pass the time.

"How are your congregations looking these days, any good news at all?"

to which the vicar replies,

"Well yes as it happens, recently things have been slow but this week we had 4 new members join our congregation. It's excellent, we really think God's doing something great for our church. How our things with you back over at your church?"

"That's great to hear that you have four new members," replied the RC priest, "although I hate to say this now, but we're doing better than you, as like you we had several quiet months, but this last week have got 6 new members."

"6, wow that's excellent, and we thought we were doing well with four new members."

Both the priest and the vicar turn to the Methodist Minister who has kept fairly quiet,

"Sounds like God's really doing good things in both our churches, but you can't have had a better week than that, can you?"

"Well, as great as your news is, I'm afraid God seems to be working the most over in my church, this last week, I lost my 10 worst trouble makers"

 

[Maid Marie]

There's a large ecumenical do, but so far only the Methodist minister, the Roman Catholic Priest and the Anglican vicar have turned up. Whilst they wait for the others to arrive, the priest strikes up a conversation to pass the time.

"How are your congregations looking these days, any good news at all?"

to which the vicar replies,

"Well yes as it happens, recently things have been slow but this week we had 4 new members join our congregation. It's excellent, we really think God's doing something great for our church. How our things with you back over at your church?"

"That's great to hear that you have four new members," replied the RC priest, "although I hate to say this now, but we're doing better than you, as like you we had several quiet months, but this last week have got 6 new members."

"6, wow that's excellent, and we thought we were doing well with four new members."

Both the priest and the vicar turn to the Methodist Minister who has kept fairly quiet,

"Sounds like God's really doing good things in both our churches, but you can't have had a better week than that, can you?"

"Well, as great as your news is, I'm afraid God seems to be working the most over in my church, this last week, I lost my 10 worst trouble makers"

Ooooooooooooooo

 

[Chris81]

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist? The Methodist will tell you "howdy" when he sees you in the liquor store.

 

[Chris81]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

Mormons: Just one, after his wives have gotten on the school bus.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

 

[JCFantasy23]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

Mormons: Just one, after his wives have gotten on the school bus.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

I think this is my favorite of the group so far

 

[Dave-W]

There was a suburban corner with 3 of the 4 properties holding houses of worship. There was a Catholic church, a Pentecostal church and a Conservative Synagogue. The priest, pastor and rabbi all knew each other and were (somewhat) friendly, although a certain competitiveness existed between them.

One day all 3 came to their homes with brand new cars. They were roughly equal value mid range SUVs.

Early the next morning the priest and rabbi were awakened to the sound of someone screaming. They went outside and saw the Pentecostal pastor laying hands on his new vehicle and praying in tongues at the top of his voice.

The priest was not to be outdone so he went into the church and brought out the shaker with Holy Water and proceeded to sprinkle his new car.

The rabbi looked at both of them, went into his garage and brought out a hack saw; and then cut 2 inches off of the tail pipe.

 

[Nik Onder]

Knee jerk mental response while watching Star Wars:

"The Force be with you..."

"And also with you."

 

[JCFantasy23]

Glad to see this one bumped up!

 

[Daniel Marsh]

My Mother told me that the strips on the bottom of the pool smells like cherry. All I got was a burning in my nose.

 

[seeking.IAM]

From my days as a Methodist as told by a UMC pastor who later became Bishop:

A Methodist is a Presbyterian without money and a Baptist without religion.

 

[rockytopva]

I heard a Methodist tell his pastor that he was such a bad investor that if he bought a cemetery the deceased people would quit coming!

 

[JCFantasy23]

One day a Catholic a Baptist and a Methodist decided to go fishing.

They got in their boat and pushed their way over to the middle of the lake.

The Catholic Said, ''I forgot my hat" so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Baptist said, " I forgot the fishing bait" so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Methodist said, " I forgot the beer" so he got up, got out of the boat. He was standing in the water, then he sank.

About that time the Baptist said, "Do you think it's time to tell him were the stepping stones are?

 

[actionsub]

From my days as a Methodist as told by a UMC pastor who later became Bishop:

A Methodist is a Presbyterian without money and a Baptist without religion.

Heh. My old doctor told me, after he found out I attended the Baptist church next door to the old one-room school where his father taught back pre-Depression: "We were Methodists; in those days Methodists were Baptists who could read."

After that zinger, he took his fee and referred me to the burn unit.

 

[York Winston]

This is a true story.
On my first day at a Southern Baptist college the assistant chaplain was welcoming the incoming freshmen. He was trying to make a point about who we were as he made the following gaffe: "Most of you are Christians, but some of you are Jewish, Catholic or Black."

 

[Yusuphhai]

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

 

[Dave-W]

This was sent to my email by a good friend:

The Engineer.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan,

"So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!

"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"

 

[Bob Crowley]

Question - Why do Methodists skulk around darkened doorways late at night?

Answer - They don't want to be seen dancing.

 

[Bob Crowley]

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

Personal PS - I'm Catholic but my wife is Baptist. A couple of years ago I happened to bump into the chief pastor of her Baptist Church outside a MacDonalds in a nearby suburb.

I made a crack about how no matter where I went I didn't seem to be able to get away from these Baptists.

The pastor looked at me, and said "That's funny! I seem to have the same problem".