messed up and Angry

[Loopi]

I havent cut since wednesday, of which i am pretty proud, i only cut then because of my CAMHS appointment because i was so stressed due to it all.
Only problem is is that ive had a really bad week.
A friend took an OD on sunday night, scared me witless and had me crying my eyes out because this is far from the first one shes taken, and she swore me to silence and blackmaild me to keep me quiet
Monday a friend who i was getting closer too from the net, faked her death. Shes still keeping up the hoax, and its breaking my heart and messing with my head, cus i cant see truth from lies.
My dad left tuesday night. That wasnt easy at all. We knew he was moving out, now the divorce is through well it was gonna happen. Hes got a flat in another area of town, so i guess ill still see him, just not as much
Wednesday i had CAMHS. That was....bad.
Thursday i had a really frustrating christian union meeting, as the teachers have ignored our dreams and what we feel God is asking of us to do in the school
Today, im just so angry about everything, because im caving under the weight of my week. I feel weak, and i feel like i should be able to handle everything thats happened. Yet i cant. Ive just bottled up all that feeling, and now i just hate myself so badly, and ive got so much anger and pain held inside that i feel like im going to explode. I want to and am going to my youth group tonight, yet i am so scared that im gonna snap at someone, or worse still, break down in worship. I Cant break down cus i need to set an example.
Arg, i just dont know what to do anymore, its tearing me apart, i feel the need to cut, yet i want to fight, yet i dont. My heads that messed up. Man, i feel so messed up, so totally low and messed up, its unbelievable.

 

[Cat59]

Hope the youth meeting helped.
Sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment. Now you're seeing the CAMS team, maybe they'll be able to help you through times like this. I'll certainly keep you in my prayers, that the Lord will bless you with strength and friends and companions to get you through this..

 

[Bevlina]

You are going through an enormous lot of strain for one so young Darling!
To begin with, the one who is faking, I'd forget her. She's not worth your attention. In this case, with your Dad walking out, you are Number One Sweetie. I believs the CAMS Team will be an enormous help! Please let us know how you are going.

 

[Loopi]

Thank you Cat, and Bevlina. I havent been too good at all recently, and with my baptism coming up its vital i stop cutting my arms for the time being. I dont care about scars, but getting dunked with fresh cuts really doesnt seem like a clever idea.

Ive blocked my friend who is faking, its just the only thing that was going to help. I miss her so badly though. I got my chinchilla's today, and i just wanted to ring her and talk to her about them. I wanted to tell her how much i love Boo (my chinchilla), because Boo loves me back just as much as i love her!!!

I saw my dad today, we went shopping together before my dentist appointment, and i have spoken to him online. Its brought us closer.

I still have so much anger held within me, its boiling away, and i can feel it. It makes me want to trash my room, shout at people, throw things, just generally lash out. But i have self control to the point i cant do these things, so ive taken it out a lot on myself.

Im really struggling with my self harm atm, i just feel so...emotional, but so down, that i just seem to cut myself so much. its wrong, it hurts god, but i cant help it. This is the only thing that seems to be keeping me sane

 

[eastside9008]

I use to be a big cutter right up to when i went to youth group for the first time somewhere in the end of Febuary. When I was having hard times with my parents, with my faith, or with cutting, my boyfriend showed me thse verses from John 15 18-21. [BIBLE]When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you. The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you........Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they has listened to me, they would listen to you! The people of the world will hate you because you belong to me, for they don't know God who sent me.[/BIBLE] Some other verses that I read daily: John 14:6-7; James 5:16, 19-20. PM me whenever you need to. He's always there. God Bless.

~Alexandria

 

[InHisSpirit]

I want to encourage you as a recovered self-injuryer. There is hope and God is the One who will deliever you. It's a long hard process but God will be with you. I am praying and you should be if you are not already for God to send someone to you to help you through this, someone willing to answer the phone at 3:00 a.m. because you feel the need to cut. I know God sent my best friend to me for that reason. She had no experience with someone like me, but God worked through her and He ministered and spoke to me through her. I just wanted to let you know there is hope and it is through God. PM me if you ever need to. As far as the anger, we choose how it controls us. Anger is a choice. Find a way to re-route it. Whether its writing a journal, music, or video games. Pray that God gives you place for your anger. We should be giving it over to Him and when we do, it can be redirected. However, be mindful that the habit of cutting does not end over night, but will always be a weapon the enemy will use against us. Good thing we have the ultimate weapon, Jesus Christ.

 

[Cat59]

Anger can be such a horrible emotion to try and contain..
A couple of ideas- they may not work for you but there's no harm in trying..
Try writing down the things that make you angry on paper when your emotions are boiling, then rip them up into little pieces, and see whther that gets rid of the anger
Then try writing positive messages from the bible, like from the Psalms, or words of Jesus- eg words of forgiveness and hope
Decorate them, colour them in, do things that are calming listen to some music while you do it.
Another thing you could try is perhaps when you're not angry, make a list of things that have calmed you in the past (even if it's only a little) and have an "angry" box you can put things you need to do this, to get quickly if you feel your mood rising. Make sure that there's NOTHING in there you can SI with or that reminds you of that.
Praying for you too, especially with your baptism coming up..