Hey.
I haven't been on here for a really long time.
Well, right now it's 12:20am and i am feeling really tormented. My mind is so scattered and i can't sleep, i tried for over an hour to sleep just lying in bed.
I have been having a really difficult time with my mental health. This last 12-15 months has been hell. I just turned 28 and am not feeling fantastic about it. I felt bad cos my hubby went to so much trouble to make me have a good birthday, and i had dinner with a bunch of friends too. This year has been so hard, i have been so tormented nearly all of the time. I feel ok or good about 5% of the time but the rest of the time i just feel [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth].
For about 10 years my diagnosis was consistently depression and PTSD. Then i went to this rehab place that was supposed to be a Christian alternative but turned out to be a cult. I was there for a year and received no care from a psychiatrist or psychologist. I also wasn't on meds.
I saw Psychologists after that, and went back to see a Psychiatrist mid last year when i became extremely unwell. I had been screwed up in a whole new way since my cult experience. She told me i had borderline personality disorder. I thought i could relate to some of it, however was missing most of the major hallmarks, but i kept an open mind. Anyway, she put me on a relatively low dose of Seroquel. I was really desperate and ended up becoming suicidal. I began believing that for me to kill myself would be a gift to my family and anyone else i have hurt because i wreck everyone's lives. After the initial three or four hour long sessions it took her to diagnose me (she went through my life with a fine tooth comb wanting blow by blow accounts of sexual abuse, trauma, drug use etc), she told me was borderline. I felt that she was putting all of my past behaviour and symptoms i had ever had onto me, and treating all of my life's issues as if it was current and unprocessed baggage. She started treating me as if i was lying to her or trying to manipulate her (probably in accordance with the negative stereotype of BPD) and told me that i seem to want some magic pill to fix everything. It really upset me because i was so raw and vulnerable and i had always done everything in my power to address my psychological issues. I had invested time and money i don't have into that. It was a real slap in the face. I still hurt so much inside when i think of her and what she said and how she treated me.
There is more to say but i am quite mentally exhausted right now. I am hoping i become physically exhausted too because i really need to go to sleep.
I'll fill you in on the ending though...saw a doc on Monday who treated me like a human being (finally) and he said i was no where near BPD and was in fact Bipolar. I heard him mention Bipolar 1 once. I am so angry that i have been given a bum steer by another's incompetence and put at further risk. Anyway, more later, thanks for reading.
I haven't been on here for a really long time.
Well, right now it's 12:20am and i am feeling really tormented. My mind is so scattered and i can't sleep, i tried for over an hour to sleep just lying in bed.
I have been having a really difficult time with my mental health. This last 12-15 months has been hell. I just turned 28 and am not feeling fantastic about it. I felt bad cos my hubby went to so much trouble to make me have a good birthday, and i had dinner with a bunch of friends too. This year has been so hard, i have been so tormented nearly all of the time. I feel ok or good about 5% of the time but the rest of the time i just feel [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth].
For about 10 years my diagnosis was consistently depression and PTSD. Then i went to this rehab place that was supposed to be a Christian alternative but turned out to be a cult. I was there for a year and received no care from a psychiatrist or psychologist. I also wasn't on meds.
I saw Psychologists after that, and went back to see a Psychiatrist mid last year when i became extremely unwell. I had been screwed up in a whole new way since my cult experience. She told me i had borderline personality disorder. I thought i could relate to some of it, however was missing most of the major hallmarks, but i kept an open mind. Anyway, she put me on a relatively low dose of Seroquel. I was really desperate and ended up becoming suicidal. I began believing that for me to kill myself would be a gift to my family and anyone else i have hurt because i wreck everyone's lives. After the initial three or four hour long sessions it took her to diagnose me (she went through my life with a fine tooth comb wanting blow by blow accounts of sexual abuse, trauma, drug use etc), she told me was borderline. I felt that she was putting all of my past behaviour and symptoms i had ever had onto me, and treating all of my life's issues as if it was current and unprocessed baggage. She started treating me as if i was lying to her or trying to manipulate her (probably in accordance with the negative stereotype of BPD) and told me that i seem to want some magic pill to fix everything. It really upset me because i was so raw and vulnerable and i had always done everything in my power to address my psychological issues. I had invested time and money i don't have into that. It was a real slap in the face. I still hurt so much inside when i think of her and what she said and how she treated me.
There is more to say but i am quite mentally exhausted right now. I am hoping i become physically exhausted too because i really need to go to sleep.
I'll fill you in on the ending though...saw a doc on Monday who treated me like a human being (finally) and he said i was no where near BPD and was in fact Bipolar. I heard him mention Bipolar 1 once. I am so angry that i have been given a bum steer by another's incompetence and put at further risk. Anyway, more later, thanks for reading.
