Mental Illness

[DZoolander]

I know, and that's the brief version of it.

 

[Annessa3]

so pregnancy causes madness? hmmmmm....

 

[DZoolander]

lol - dunno about that.

I've read, though, that it's not THAT uncommon... Maybe it could be that the rapid change in hormones, if you have a propensity for such things, could trigger it. Supposedly her father was quite a bit off kilter, too. So could be it was inherited - and the pregnancy simply set it in motion.

 

[mtwyo]

I put this as a new thread under marriage restoration but figured I'd put it here too:

Last night, I fell into temptation, I used to be a "Copenhagen Junkie", and with all the stress going on I grabbed a can of chew on my way home, I took a dip, and I felt terrible guilt, I didn't want to stop but i did get rid of the can, and spit the chew out once I got home, but I didn't clean the sink out good enough and she saw it there. She came to me and said, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" I responded with, nope, I do not. She then said I know you are chewing and now you lying about it" I didn't want to argue so I just said," No, I don't want to tell you, I fell back on an old habit, I felt very guilty about it and that is the end of it, I don't want my kids to see me do it and I do not want to do it." She said, "It not that your chewing it's that I can't trust you"

so...

I posted about my wife and the mental illness stuff on the main Married couples board(the board won't let me post links yet)), but things are really becoming a problem, and rapidly. I am starting to think she is using the mental health as an excuse for evil behavior with no intent to change.

She went to the pastor of our church today, and told him that I'm suffering from a mental disorder. She knows I visit with the pastor on a regular basis and was trying to make sure her image wasn't damaged. She is convinced I'm going to him and telling him just how horrible she.

I talked to her briefly and she told me she had talked to the pastor and he was rude to her and we are not going back to that church, and then she had a blow up about me making her look like and idiot in front of some people, (still don't know what I did), but I'm not the one who drove across a lawn.

anyway I went to the pastor and when I walked in to his office he said:

" she told you that you weren't going here anymore"

I said,:

"yes, I'm sure what her version of it is, is probably wrong, but she told me that you treated her rude, and wouldn't talk to her",

he said:

"no, i wouldn't condone her behavior."

He then told me:

".. she told me about the chew indecent, and that you lied about it, I told her it was probably just a stress thing, and she then said you were suffering from a mental disorder and that you had some serious problems. She was very narcissistic and threw you under the bus as soon as you slipped up, because it made her look better.
I also told her I don't come in and slam her, that you come in trying to improve yourself, and how to better deal with things and I left it at that.
She did not get the response from me that she wanted, and she marched out of the office. He told me not to condone the behavior, and either she will leave, end up having an outburst that will put her in jail or committed, Or grow up.
He also told me with the stress she is putting me under, unless something happens I'll be lucky to make it another 15 years.

I don't know what to do, I blame myself for letting it get this far, This is the second time I have gotten myself in a situation like this with a woman. I love my wife but hate what she has become, she turns everything around on me, she tells me that I am destroying our family, she tells me it's my fault she is the way she is, she says I'm the reason our children our brats.
I don't want my kids to hate their mother, but I can't control it, I want things to be right, I though she was trying to correct things but now I think she is just trying to control everything and make me look at fault. Then I start to think I am at fault, because men can't be controlled like this. Then I remember back to an argument, where I had decided to just not argue, and she started in on me for not being a man, and standing up for myself, then she asked me how can she trust me to look out for her , if I won't stand up for myself against her.

I just want someone to tell me what to do, I want a clear answer, I know that no one, but God can tell me what to do, but I'm just not hearing a response.

Sorry to ramble,
Thanks for reading
MT

 

[DZoolander]

How old are your kids?

 

[Odetta]

I'm reading. Your wife sounds out of control, and seemingly unwilling to help herself. I pray that she wises up, that she recognizes where the problems lie, and that she obtains help that is permanently, life changing-ly beneficial. Until she does that, however, you need to protect your children, and yourself. It may come from mental illness, but what she is doing is abusive.

Honestly, I participate on another website for people with mental illness. And there are people who post things that they do that are similar to what your wife is doing. And they are called to the carpet on it, by people who have the same mental illness as the person who originally posted. Because mental illness is no excuse to abuse the people around you. Having a mental illness isn't something you can control - but how you address it is. Your wife is choosing not to address it in a healthy manner. So you need to make sure you and those you are responsible for are in a position of safety.

 

[DZoolander]

Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[mkgal1]

I just want someone to tell me what to do, I want a clear answer, I know that no one, but God can tell me what to do, but I'm just not hearing a response.

Sorry to ramble,
Thanks for reading
MT

I'm so sorry that you're going through this---and it seems like you have little support near you (which is the worst!).

Have you been able to speak to her psychiatrist? I'm sorry---I haven't gone back to re-read the thread, so I'm going by memory only---is she seeing this psychiatrist for counseling as well as for the chemical imbalance?

This is just my opinion---but I don't think that your pastor should be involved in trying to counsel you two. It seems as if she's using him to bolster her "side" and to use him against you (it's really no different than running to family members or mutual friends) or isolate you from your support. If you feel comfortable at your church---I wouldn't leave (although she's welcome to stay home, if that's what she prefers).

 

[mkgal1]

Maybe this organization can help you: https://www.stephenministries.org/

I have no idea if they are in your area--you can check on the site, though (or give them a call).

 

[ValleyGal]

Your pastor is being unethical in telling you what your wife told him in a private session. I wonder what he said to her about you and the things you confided to him?

Call your local mental health resource centre and see about joining a support group or at least talking to someone for support.

she says I'm the reason our children our brats.

Do your children hear this? Well, whether they hear it or not, they absolutely will pick up on the fact she thinks they are brats, and exposing them to her is not in their best interest. If you love your children, please protect them from her mental abuse.

I just want someone to tell me what to do, I want a clear answer, I know that no one, but God can tell me what to do, but I'm just not hearing a response.

Maybe you are not hearing a response because God is leaving the decision up to you, knowing you will do the right thing for yourself and your children.

 

[mtwyo]

ezoolander the kids are young 1 and 2,

Valley Girl-
I agree that the pastor should not have, except for the fact he knows the entire back story of what is going on. And the seeking treatment of all these problems. We went to the psychiatrist on Thursday and shifted gears with the treatment, the Doc, has her figured out, what inspired her to become a psychiatrist was her own experience with the same kind of stuff.

She refuses to do counseling with the Dr, but the Dr has a very subtitle way of getting her to talk and not calling it a counseling session. She will not allow the label of bi-polar, so the Dr. words it different and treats it. They started her on a bi-polar medication, last week but it takes a few weeks to start working, and in the mean time put her on Abilify as well as Xanax, in conjunction with her Citalopram. Basically trying to elevate mood and stabilize.
She does not have extreme highs, but as we learn more, bi-polar highs for some bi-polar people are what is "normal", especially in very depressed patients.

The Dr. also explained to her that at this point she is out-patient but if things don't improve she may become in-patient, I'm not sure if she got the full grasp of what that means.

But anyway this weekend went pretty well, she had a day by herself, shopping and getting a massage, then she cooked a big meal Sunday and gave me a card apologizing for her behavior.
Today, high stress, sick and sick kids but no anger, yet.

 

[mtwyo]

Update-
The anger side seem to be controlled, but the anxiety is still very high. They had put her on mood stabilizer similar to lithium, that is supposed to help combat the anxiety, and she was also on a hormonal birth-control that was supposed to help with the female problems. The pharmacy didn't catch it but the two drugs basically cancelled each other out so neither drug was solving anything. They pulled her off the birth control yesterday, so I guess we are kind of starting anew with the mood stabilizer.

 

[Messy]

If I were in your situation, I might try to find someone who is gifted in in deliverance ministry, or at least healing.

Yes she needs deliverance. My ex divorced me over something similar, sent me to a psychiater who only made things worse, I wish I'd gone to T.B. Joshua. God set me free eventually.

 

[newhopeinHim]

deleted

 

[Soma Seer]

...The anger side seem to be controlled, but the anxiety is still very high.

I'm a little biased with regard to what I'm about to say--more about that momentarily--but has any mental-health professional looked into the possibility of a personality disorder, especially Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? You mention that she has depression, anxiety and inexplicable anger that seemingly comes from out of nowhere. You've just described some of the telling symptoms of BPD.

I know something about BPD, as my mother has it. She will forever go undiagnosed, as she's high-functioning and hides it from the public eye, but she's a textbook case. (I went to therapy for myself and purposely chose a psychologist who treats BPD; I wanted someone who truly understands this disorder and, thus, would have better insight as to how it's affected my behavior, my view of the world. He told me that while he couldn't diagnose my mother, the behaviors/symptoms of hers that I described indicate that she most likely has it.)

So that all said, it's possible that your wife has BPD--especially if her behavior, specifically the anger/rage started after the birth of the kids. (For women, BPD symptoms can surface after they have kids.)

Granted, the brain--and the chemistry that drives it--is such a complex thing; I could be completely off base on the cause of your wife's unhappy (and unhappy-making) behavior. Hopefully, a solution will be found ASAP.

 

[mtwyo]

A year later-
And the decision to divorce is finally here, I have tried supporting her, getting her help, and just loving her, but she decided we are done, took me by compleat surprise, we are both still in the house, she is insisting I leave, but I will not abandon my children, and she won't let me leave with them. while she seems stable, I just don't know. So until there is a court order I guess we both live here.
Please pray for us, I'm not angery with her but I'm not grovling or bowing down, i just want my kids safe, happy and loved.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

So sorry to hear things didn't go well. Sometimes all the prayers and help in the world can't help someone who doesn't want help/thinks they are fine. My mother is like your wife... though my mom is even more off the hinge. Its good you are thinking of the kids because they will be the most affected by all this stuff. Maybe one day she will seek help after seeing all shes lost then you can remarry. Nothing is impossible. For some it takes something extreme for them to change. Heart attack, divorce...etc. BTW I'm not promoting divorce since its not allowed on here. Just saying extremes sometimes change people. You will be in our prayers! Stay strong and know God loves you.

 

[98cwitr]

I'd really like to know the root cause of all of this. This is no way for a mother, a wife, or a human being to behave. My prayers are with you! My God provide your family peace!

 

[mtwyo]

You and I both, strange behavior

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I have a few psychiatric issues...much of it stemming from caring for and watching my parents die. I also have some neurological issues stemming from my premature birth almost 52 years ago. Without medication I am barely functional. With medication I am very functional. Long term stress can and does change brain chemistry and the meds essentially replace what got burned up. Therapy helps but will not "cure" the underlying physical problem. This is not "demonic possession" it is a real psychiatric/neurological problem.

Thank God for wise and compassionate doctors.