Men and Commitment Phobia

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Why do a lot of men have a fear of commitment for? What are they so afraid of if they love the person? Why are they so afraid to take the next step? If you love someone how can you still be afraid to take that next step?

 

[trinitygrace]

I wonder the same thing. Are you in this situation right now?

 

[Niels]

Men aren't the only ones who are commitment-phobic.

But if there is a tendency for men to fear commitment more than women, I can only guess it may have something to do with the ability to start a family. It's easier for a man to become a father later in life than it is for a woman to become a mother later in life. That may have something to do with women wanting to settle down earlier... but I'm no expert.

 

[trinitygrace]

Very true, mrkguy75. Great point.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I wonder the same thing. Are you in this situation right now?

Yes I am. There are some things that are hindering my bf from going further in this relationship but he also says that he has a fear of commitment and is not sure why. Perhaps these issues that we have are also causing that as well though.

 

[Leanna]

What kind of issues?

 

[bumblebee62331]

Funnily enough, I have never had a problem with that. All the guys I have dated (well, two) have been totally ready to commit - one so much so that I had to threaten a restraining order...but that's a different story. If anything, it would have been me who wasn't ready to commit.

So I can't really relate to people who are in relationships with men who don't want to, or can't, commit. I guess I am blessed with a man who would love to marry me and has never needed a kick.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

What kind of issues?

I wrote you a pm Leanna

 

[trinitygrace]

Starling2003, I am here for ya girl! I am going through sort of the same thing. Please check out the thread "My boyfriend's family dislike me". I will be praying for you that God will be with you and your boyfriend. You can pm me anytime if you need someone to talk to. Lots o' Love, Trinity

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm wondering why my bf hasn't asked me to date him exclusively. We told each other at the beginning that we weren't dating anyone else. It feels like we're exclusive. I put in a little dig this evening. He was working and my single's group was having square dance/line dancing lessons. I mentioned to him that my mom was impressed that he didn't have a problem with it like my friend's ex bf. He said well it's not like we're married or engaged. I said yeah, it's not like you've even asked me to date you exclusively. It's not that he isn't interested. He asked me how many guys I danced, with etc. and he keeps asking if there is anyone in my singles group that is interested in me.

Hmmmm.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Starling2003, I am here for ya girl! I am going through sort of the same thing. Please check out the thread "My boyfriend's family dislike me". I will be praying for you that God will be with you and your boyfriend. You can pm me anytime if you need someone to talk to. Lots o' Love, Trinity

Thanks Trinity. I might just do that.

 

[MN John]

Why do a lot of men have a fear of commitment for? What are they so afraid of if they love the person? Why are they so afraid to take the next step? If you love someone how can you still be afraid to take that next step?

We lump several things under the word "love."

Love the emotion. Love the action. Love the choice.

A man may believe that emotions can't be trusted and so may be wanting a more logical approach to commitment.

He may love in action, but from a "here and now" perspective without having decided yet about the future.

He may delay the choice to love because a true commitment is irreversible.

I think that either a man or a woman needs to hold back from making a commitment until he or she is certain that God is leading them to turn the relationship into a marriage.

Until one is certain of that, they should not make a commitment other than committing to seek God together and attempt to discern and obey His direction.

 

[avilagirl]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I honestly believe there is no such thing as "commitment-phobia." A guy is either into you or he's not. If he doesn't want to commit, then sorry, but he's just not that into you.

I'm sorry (and sorry to sound so harsh) -

 

[invisiblebabe]

Heh I had the opposite problem... before Mark, I had four guys (one after the other, NOT simultaneously ) promising eventual marriage to me, either as a definite possibility or as something very likely.

I don't know which is worse, fear of commitment or making commitments you can't keep...

 

[Niels]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I honestly believe there is no such thing as "commitment-phobia." A guy is either into you or he's not. If he doesn't want to commit, then sorry, but he's just not that into you.

I'm sorry (and sorry to sound so harsh) -

Hmmm... I have to agree. If and when I meet the woman I intend to marry, I certainly won't drag my feet in terms of making a commitment. This would have been true for me when I was in my 20s, as it is true for me today.

 

[invisiblebabe]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I honestly believe there is no such thing as "commitment-phobia." A guy is either into you or he's not. If he doesn't want to commit, then sorry, but he's just not that into you.

I'm sorry (and sorry to sound so harsh) -

Sorry, but I disagree I think commitment is related to maturity and one's stage in life, and guys who are less settled and/or mature are going to be less ready to commit, no matter how much they like a girl.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Sorry, but I disagree I think commitment is related to maturity and one's stage in life, and guys who are less settled and/or mature are going to be less ready to commit, no matter how much they like a girl.

I agree. Just because a guy is reluctant to get married doesn't mean he's not into you. Sure, it might mean that in some cases, but in most, he's probably a bit scared. I mean, marriage is a huge thing! Commitment for the rest of your life! Commitment scares females too, it's not just males.

It's like my driving test. I really love driving and I want to drive for the rest of my life. I want to drive all the time, I find it fun and I want that skill forever. BUT I am terrified of taking my test. Absolutely terrified for some reason. I am scared that I'll stuff it up, that I might make mistakes, that I'll fail. But I still want to drive, I still want to make that commitment.

So, in relation to real life, if you can't figure it out, my driving skills is my relationship with my boyfriend. The driving test (the one that I know I want to take, but I'm too scared right now to do it) is marriage. I'm just not ready. It's taken me four years to gather the courage to book a test time. Maybe that's what some people need - time to get their heads straight and their confidence and determination up. It's a huge thing (well, not necessarily the driving test, but marriage... )

Wow that was long, lol.

 

[Kusanagi]

Sometimes guys are just afraid because they feel that the woman that they are dating dont feel the same feelings that the men does and thus is afraid of commitment.

But thats just my theory.

 

[kopilo]

Although we are not even near marriege, I was loyal from the day my current girlfriend and I decided to become a couple.. 8 months later I have decided to commit a good deal of myself to the relationship.

Maybe the fear of commitment is a generational thing... Possibly not common among those who commit themselves to God...

Sorry, but I disagree I think commitment is related to maturity and one's stage in life, and guys who are less settled and/or mature are going to be less ready to commit, no matter how much they like a girl.

Sounds like an interesting thought... I could relate to that with my want of being a responsible person almost 24/7.

 

[Mskedi]

Marriage is a huge deal, so someone who appears to be a little hesitant to talk seriously about it actually makes me feel a little relieved -- it shows that he knows what a big deal it is and won't go into it lightly.

My bf talked about marriage as a distant hypothetical for a long time (using "if" instead of "when" and so on) before we got to the point where we could both talk about it comfortably as something that will be happening in the forseeable future. It makes me feel that he wasn't going into the relationship looking for someone to marry and therefore possibly looking past things that might bother him because he wanted a spouse, but went into it without expectations and was pleasantly surprised to find someone he could commit to. That makes me feel enormously special.

I saw him as a long-term partner sooner than he saw me as one, but that doesn't change the fact that we're on the same page now. I would not have wanted to push him into something like this -- I want to know that what he feels for me is really what he feels for me. I know guys who were pressured into proposing -- I'd never want to coerce a proposal or commitment from someone.