As I have mentioned in previous posts, I tried tapering off meds for a few reasons.
I was doing ok for a while. Actually, it was kind of refreshing, but over time, the anxiety chipped away and the past week or so, I have found my thinking reverting. I was really gung-ho (when still on meds), that I could somehow muster up the strength to fight this monster head on. My reasoning (while still on meds), was that the harder the ocd presented itself, the better the chance for "victory."
This was the problem of feeling well enough to "get serious." Getting serious could have meant, "hey I feel well, let's do therapy," not "maximal therapy will be achieved through maximal exposure that will naturally result from being off meds."
Being off meds hasn't been the living nightmare that I experienced right before needing to take them the first time (when I didn't even know I had ocd), but I've found myself in that pattern of thinking that is familiar, yet I had forgotten.
I started to run from it again. That's the bottom line. I regretted the exposure therapy and that I had deliberately thought those horrible thoughts on purpose. I was stuck on this all afternoon yesterday. Sure, I could function, but what a lousy quality of life.
It was worth a try and gave me good insight. I learned how "physical" this issue is. I would have symptoms of anxiety and depression in the absence of the thoughts. This, I believe, shed light on the theory that the restless energy of anxiety will actually cause us to seek out a perceived danger in order to make sense of why we feel threatened. What better place than our faith for this restless creature to latch on?
I haven't reached that point of difficult return, and have begun my meds, and will gradually (God willing, patiently) taper up to maybe a lower dose than before.
If I am to take seriously, the words of our Lord Jesus, "be anxious for nothing," then I had better give myself a fighting chance.
My philosophy is changing. I am taking the medication not to be rid of the ocd (that is not likely), but so that ocd does not define me, nor dictate the terms of my relationship with God.
Thank you all for your continued support. I think of you and pray for you often.
Marc
I was doing ok for a while. Actually, it was kind of refreshing, but over time, the anxiety chipped away and the past week or so, I have found my thinking reverting. I was really gung-ho (when still on meds), that I could somehow muster up the strength to fight this monster head on. My reasoning (while still on meds), was that the harder the ocd presented itself, the better the chance for "victory."
This was the problem of feeling well enough to "get serious." Getting serious could have meant, "hey I feel well, let's do therapy," not "maximal therapy will be achieved through maximal exposure that will naturally result from being off meds."
Being off meds hasn't been the living nightmare that I experienced right before needing to take them the first time (when I didn't even know I had ocd), but I've found myself in that pattern of thinking that is familiar, yet I had forgotten.
I started to run from it again. That's the bottom line. I regretted the exposure therapy and that I had deliberately thought those horrible thoughts on purpose. I was stuck on this all afternoon yesterday. Sure, I could function, but what a lousy quality of life.
It was worth a try and gave me good insight. I learned how "physical" this issue is. I would have symptoms of anxiety and depression in the absence of the thoughts. This, I believe, shed light on the theory that the restless energy of anxiety will actually cause us to seek out a perceived danger in order to make sense of why we feel threatened. What better place than our faith for this restless creature to latch on?
I haven't reached that point of difficult return, and have begun my meds, and will gradually (God willing, patiently) taper up to maybe a lower dose than before.
If I am to take seriously, the words of our Lord Jesus, "be anxious for nothing," then I had better give myself a fighting chance.
My philosophy is changing. I am taking the medication not to be rid of the ocd (that is not likely), but so that ocd does not define me, nor dictate the terms of my relationship with God.
Thank you all for your continued support. I think of you and pray for you often.
Marc
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