Mature Relationship Problem

[Midnite11]

Hello all,
I'm a few months from being 50 and my ex girlfriend will be 45 in a few weeks. I actually feel somewhat foolish for even having to request advise but honestly, I'm at a lost here. We are both divorcees and grandparents. We met almost two years ago, talked for a little over a month before going on our first date. A month later, we begin to become intimate and our relationship grew from there. When we met, we both had been divorced for less than a year after 20+ year marriages/relationships. From the very beginning, she always started how she never wanted to fall in love again and never wanted to marry again whereas I always said that I wasn't going to let my past failure keep me from happiness. During our time together, we did everything that couples did including vacations, meeting families, holidays together, etc. We lived in different states so we only saw each other a few days each month. We would usually pick a weekend to spend together, usually in the mountains or at a lake house. We only had minor disagreements, most times because she rebelled when she felt that I was trying to control her (baggage from her past relationship) however usually we would be able to talk thing out and be great when we see each. However, the last few months we had disagreements every month. Right before Thanksgivings and again right before Christmas. The argument was due to the fact that when she goes to visit her son, she doesn't seem to have time to make any contact with me. I always make time to at least reach out to her whenever I'm with my children or even with my mom. The last argument which broke us up was shortly after New Years. My daughter and grandson gave to visit, I made sure to contact her everyday because I wanted her to be included in my joy and excitement. She make the statement that I should be spending that time with them and she doesn't need or really want to be included. During this same time, it was the winter storm Jonas on the east coast. So I texted her several times during the day to make sure she was safe and that all was well. I admit, I probably texted her 3 - 4 times during the day (normally just once in the morning and then we talk in the afternoon). This time, later that night, she replied, "I'm not a **** child, I have be driving 25 years, I have been working 25 years, this is not concerning but annoying... you keeping treating me like I'm a **** child, let me the **** alone, peace the **** out!!!" After receiving that text, I called... no answer. That went on for a few days and when she finally did decide to call me back, she explained that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said that she had been praying and that was confirmation from God that I'm not the person for her and she is not the person for me. She is saying that all she wants to focus on is herself, her family, her career and her spirit. She said that she really wants us to be friends but that is all she can offer. Now as crazy as all this is... I actually do love her. And even believe she loves me as well. I know we have things to work out however I do really want us to stay together. I would appreciate any advise as to how to get her back and how to work this thing out.

Thanks

 

[Gnarwhal]

First off, it sounds like the two of you have been on different pages about your relationship most (if not all) of the time you have been together. If it's important to you to maintain somewhat consistent communication with each other in circumstances where you're apart but she's always wanting space, then perhaps you invested more in the relationship than she did (or you were at least wanting to/willing to).

Second, have either of you had counseling? I'm of the belief that it's essential to get counseling, especially after a divorce. Even if you think everything is hunky-dory, you would be shocked to find how much junk is uncovered when time is spent with a properly trained counselor. Just by reading your post I've come away with a understanding that she has issues with control and feeling controlled, and the sense that you may wrestle with insecurity. I'm not going to pry into your personal life, but if you've been in relationships before where your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend was either very distant and independent or she was the opposite and was clingy and demanded steady communication throughout the day, sometimes a new person can trigger whatever insecurities that past relationship generated.

I would say don't contact her for a while. The same way she claims to want to focus on herself, that's not a bad idea for you to do as well. Do some things to work on yourself, sort out whatever junk (and make no mistake, there is junk) that you're carrying with you post-divorce, maybe learn a new skill or pickup a new hobby not only to get your mind off of her but just as much to improve yourself.

Even if you're 100% convinced she loves you too, that's still just a hunch. Until she confirms that for you, it's best to leave her alone - otherwise you're flirting with obsession and that can be dangerous.

 

[Midnite11]

First off, it sounds like the two of you have been on different pages about your relationship most (if not all) of the time you have been together. If it's important to you to maintain somewhat consistent communication with each other in circumstances where you're apart but she's always wanting space, then perhaps you invested more in the relationship than she did (or you were at least wanting to/willing to).

Second, have either of you had counseling? I'm of the belief that it's essential to get counseling, especially after a divorce. Even if you think everything is hunky-dory, you would be shocked to find how much junk is uncovered when time is spent with a properly trained counselor. Just by reading your post I've come away with a understanding that she has issues with control and feeling controlled, and the sense that you may wrestle with insecurity. I'm not going to pry into your personal life, but if you've been in relationships before where your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend was either very distant and independent or she was the opposite and was clingy and demanded steady communication throughout the day, sometimes a new person can trigger whatever insecurities that past relationship generated.

I would say don't contact her for a while. The same way she claims to want to focus on herself, that's not a bad idea for you to do as well. Do some things to work on yourself, sort out whatever junk (and make no mistake, there is junk) that you're carrying with you post-divorce, maybe learn a new skill or pickup a new hobby not only to get your mind off of her but just as much to improve yourself.

Even if you're 100% convinced she loves you too, that's still just a hunch. Until she confirms that for you, it's best to leave her alone - otherwise you're flirting with obsession and that can be dangerous.

Letting it go and leaving her alone does seem to be the most obvious answers here. If nothing else, to see if there is anything left in her heart and if she misses what we have. I have one other issue. She keeps saying that she wants to be friends. As a matter of fact, she even has it in her mind to call me a couple of times a week, etc. She just don't want the romantic part of our relationship. I struggle with this because obviously, I still love her and want more than just a friendship. However, I don't want to lose her completely and a friendship is all she is offering and by accepting that "friendship" she will never actually miss me. What should I do in this case? Thanks again.

 

[miss-a]

Prayers for you, brother,
a

 

[Gnarwhal]

Letting it go and leaving her alone does seem to be the most obvious answers here. If nothing else, to see if there is anything left in her heart and if she misses what we have. I have one other issue. She keeps saying that she wants to be friends. As a matter of fact, she even has it in her mind to call me a couple of times a week, etc. She just don't want the romantic part of our relationship. I struggle with this because obviously, I still love her and want more than just a friendship. However, I don't want to lose her completely and a friendship is all she is offering and by accepting that "friendship" she will never actually miss me. What should I do in this case? Thanks again.

In this case, I would be completely honest with her. Tell her that if she wants to be only friends that it's at least going to take some time. Nobody who has meaningful romantic feelings like you do can just switch them off like a lamp. This is just my opinion, but it's a little ignorant and selfish of her to ask you to do this right now when you're both just emerging from this relationship.

 

[Deidre32]

My advice? End this. This has all the makings of an abusive relationship in the beginning stages. It's very thoughtful to reach out to her, and for her to swear at you over text...I'd be SO done. I was in an abusive relationship before, and it starts very much like this...and once you accept this, it will only get worse. She will learn that you accept being abused whenever she is angry. No reason for her to talk like that to you. Women can be abusive, just like men, albeit it plays out differently. This is a glimpse as to how this will play out. Don't mean to seem dramatic, but please...you don't need to listen to someone speak to you this way. I'd be PEACE OUT...but for good lol

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

I agree with Deidre. I think you shouldn't even be friends tbh because it seems she want your in her life when she will be lonely but you will always be hoping something else will happen. You deserve someone who wants to make a life with you, not someone who will throw you the crumbs.

It will be hard and heartbreaking but it be worth it than the pain of being used by someone you love

 

[Gnarwhal]

My advice? End this. This has all the makings of an abusive relationship in the beginning stages. It's very thoughtful to reach out to her, and for her to swear at you over text...I'd be SO done. I was in an abusive relationship before, and it starts very much like this...and once you accept this, it will only get worse. She will learn that you accept being abused whenever she is angry. No reason for her to talk like that to you. Women can be abusive, just like men, albeit it plays out differently. This is a glimpse as to how this will play out. Don't mean to seem dramatic, but please...you don't need to listen to someone speak to you this way. I'd be PEACE OUT...but for good lol

That's a good point.

She may not have been entirely honest with the OP, she might be the reason she's divorced.

 

[mojoboy31]

My advice? End this. This has all the makings of an abusive relationship in the beginning stages. It's very thoughtful to reach out to her, and for her to swear at you over text...I'd be SO done. I was in an abusive relationship before, and it starts very much like this...and once you accept this, it will only get worse. She will learn that you accept being abused whenever she is angry. No reason for her to talk like that to you. Women can be abusive, just like men, albeit it plays out differently. This is a glimpse as to how this will play out. Don't mean to seem dramatic, but please...you don't need to listen to someone speak to you this way. I'd be PEACE OUT...but for good lol

Totally agree.

Midnight, seems like she wants all the benefits you bring into her life, but wants to give nothing in return. That's not a relationship.

 

[Deidre32]

It's also very typical for abusive types to say ''let's be friends,'' because they hope that by keeping you around, if they ever get lonely, or without another bf/gf...that you're already there as a friend, and how easy it will be to just use you again when they feel like it. They are all cut from the same cloth, this just has red flags written all over it...and you can pray for her, definitely...but I'd move on, and cut contact. Trust me, these types are more headache than they are worth lol

 

[Goodbook]

this...sounds like this borderline person that I (used to) know....

I'm sorry.
You deserve better and also...next time, be best to date someone living a bit closer. Ppl who date long distance I just wouldn't recommend cos you don't know what they trying to run away from. Also. You are not actually a couple until you are engaged/married i.e sure about it. Till then its just being friends. Or in your case, being used. Don't go out with users.

Biblical advice - guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and be careful. Only give it to someone God has for you with no doubts. Otherwise its just easy to fall into playing games. Hang out with your christian brothers and ask your elders for advice if you really want to be a good husband for someone.

 

[dqhall]

Long distance relationships can be a burden in terms of time spent traveling and times spent apart. Having someone local to rely on may be a better deal. If there is not enough sharing in a relationship, it might fall apart. Perhaps she did not want what you were trying to share with her. If she said she does not want you, she probably means it.

 

[dqhall]

Hello all,
I'm a few months from being 50 and my ex girlfriend will be 45 in a few weeks. I actually feel somewhat foolish for even having to request advise but honestly, I'm at a lost here. We are both divorcees and grandparents. We met almost two years ago, talked for a little over a month before going on our first date. A month later, we begin to become intimate and our relationship grew from there. When we met, we both had been divorced for less than a year after 20+ year marriages/relationships. From the very beginning, she always started how she never wanted to fall in love again and never wanted to marry again whereas I always said that I wasn't going to let my past failure keep me from happiness. During our time together, we did everything that couples did including vacations, meeting families, holidays together, etc. We lived in different states so we only saw each other a few days each month. We would usually pick a weekend to spend together, usually in the mountains or at a lake house. We only had minor disagreements, most times because she rebelled when she felt that I was trying to control her (baggage from her past relationship) however usually we would be able to talk thing out and be great when we see each. However, the last few months we had disagreements every month. Right before Thanksgivings and again right before Christmas. The argument was due to the fact that when she goes to visit her son, she doesn't seem to have time to make any contact with me. I always make time to at least reach out to her whenever I'm with my children or even with my mom. The last argument which broke us up was shortly after New Years. My daughter and grandson gave to visit, I made sure to contact her everyday because I wanted her to be included in my joy and excitement. She make the statement that I should be spending that time with them and she doesn't need or really want to be included. During this same time, it was the winter storm Jonas on the east coast. So I texted her several times during the day to make sure she was safe and that all was well. I admit, I probably texted her 3 - 4 times during the day (normally just once in the morning and then we talk in the afternoon). This time, later that night, she replied, "I'm not a **** child, I have be driving 25 years, I have been working 25 years, this is not concerning but annoying... you keeping treating me like I'm a **** child, let me the **** alone, peace the **** out!!!" After receiving that text, I called... no answer. That went on for a few days and when she finally did decide to call me back, she explained that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said that she had been praying and that was confirmation from God that I'm not the person for her and she is not the person for me. She is saying that all she wants to focus on is herself, her family, her career and her spirit. She said that she really wants us to be friends but that is all she can offer. Now as crazy as all this is... I actually do love her. And even believe she loves me as well. I know we have things to work out however I do really want us to stay together. I would appreciate any advise as to how to get her back and how to work this thing out.

Thanks

In Acts 15 the apostles decided to task Gentiles with abstaining from sexual immorality. In Deuteronomy adultery was forbidden as this was sexual immorality. Premarital sex was not advised. Homosexuality was forbidden. Adultery is having sex with someone who is not your spouse while you are married. Going from partner to partner in sexual encounters is risky and not healthy. Today couples use birth control to prevent bringing unwanted children into the world, yet forming such short term relationships based on physical pleasure is not good discipline. One should examine one's motives for getting into a relationship as to whether good can come from the relationship. Paul was against those who forbid marriage, while he himself remained single. His traveling and being in danger from the authorities caused him to choose a single and celibate path. Jesus healed Mary Magdalene and she followed him. They were best friends, but Jesus could not marry her as he was going to be executed. According to Paul the apostles other than Paul traveled with their wives. Marriage and childbirth are essential for the continuation of life. Lust and immorality are not essential.

 

[blackribbon]

She wants you to fill the lonely spot in her life while she continues to look for a romantic partner. She has gotten used to you being there for her and doesn't want to give it up. It is a case of "wanting her cake and eating it too". Since you really want a romantic relationship, this will hinder your ability to heal and start looking for someone who does want you because somewhere in the back of your mind, you will still be hoping...and having this friendship with a woman you were involved with may be a problem to any new woman you might find because it will make her feel like "second choice" and that you are still hanging on to "first choice".