Mating for Life?

[LovingMother]

Well, switching mates would be a matter of changing partners: Example- I was with my previous boyfriend for a year and seven months. I mingled amonst his friends and we had sex (he and I) there were no children because we practiced safe sex. We still loved eachother at the end of our relationship, and we still love eachother now (we are still friends and very close) but both of us needed something else in our life because our lives were changing.
We broke up. We found other people and we are now with them. Still, one day we may get back together and share another happy year or two.

With children it is more complicated, but you could just have former and present mates live with you in the same home and that would solve the issue of who's around for the kids.

I meant my question from the view of procreation since you had said "It's not about the infered sexual pleasure or anything so fleeting- it's about coming together to create and rear young." So, do you think the father should have to stay once he has created a child or is he still free to move on to a new mate? If he is free, what is expected of the mother? What if a former mate who is the father of your child doesn't want to move on and doesn't want you to have a new mate? Do you take the child from him and move on anyway?

 

[BarbB]

I suppose it would be rewarding. Of course, if you shifted mates I don't see why you couldn't still have someone to be 'there for you' and your children that are being reared. Personally I think communities should help raise all the children in them, but that's another thread I suppose.

One problem today with mothers of children divorcing the fathers/husbands is that when the mothers remarry or hook up with another man, that man has no emotion invested in the children. In fact, he has a vested interest in creating his own children with the mother. In any case, the children lose out as no one is placing them first, at least for 16 years or so.

The extreme of this situation is on the news all the time where the children were "accidentally" killed by the boyfriend/stepfather.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

So, do you think the father should have to stay once he has created a child or is he still free to move on to a new mate? If he is free, what is expected of the mother? What if a former mate who is the father of your child doesn't want to move on and doesn't want you to have a new mate? Do you take the child from him and move on anyway?

No he shouldn't have to stay, nor will he be forced to go. It's all consentual. Preferably decided beforehand. Some might choose to stay together until the children are grown, others might part and come back together as needed for the welfare of the children. Loving people make loving parents. As long as both parents love the children I don't see it being that much of a problem. There should still be love at the parting of people. Not everything has to end with a massive, hurtful break up that leaves both parties hating eachother.

One problem today with mothers of children divorcing the fathers/husbands is that when the mothers remarry or hook up with another man, that man has no emotion invested in the children. In fact, he has a vested interest in creating his own children with the mother. In any case, the children lose out as no one is placing them first, at least for 16 years or so.

Not true in all cases. Again, this wouldn't be something done pointlessly or for selfishness. I feel that if you have children already you are obligated to find a second mate that will be as good for them as he/she will be for you. People need to do that anyway-regardless of what system's in place. I've had 4 fathers. My biological father, my stepfather (not the best), my boyfriend Ben's father, and my boyfriend Bruno's father. I live with my current boyfriend's family (Bruno) they couldn't be more kind to me and his father and mother both treat me as their own. Father figures and mother figures require one thing: love of the child. Being exposed to a variety of loving people is probably the best thing that can happen to a child.

This system only fails when people choose poorly or out of sheer selfishness.

 

[Ampmonster]

sorry, human kids need fathers around as much as possible.
single mothers have a hard time keeping them in line.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

I didn't say they didn't need fathers- I said that being around a lot of loving people brings nothing but good.

 

[Ampmonster]

your using your relatively good luck from a broken family as a base for your opinions here. you are one of the few lucky ones.
plus your not thinking how much a boy needs a father.(one father, around all the time.)

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

A boy needs a father more you say? I should think that both male and female children would benifit from a solid father figure.
Besides, I'm not talking about hopping patner to partner willy nilly like a ****. I'm talking about being with someone as long as you are both comfortable with it and then finding someone else you are comfortable with that is good for your children and keeping the origenal father in the children's lives (which should be much easier to do without a messy divorce in the background)

 

[SolomonVII]

On the History forum someone raised the question of who were the world's greatest lovers. I believe it was Pray4Israel that selected Ruth and Boaz. While this is not an immediately obvious selection, in terms of the complexity of marriage, this story reveals much about why marriage is considered to be sacred. More than just a union between two people, through marriage we become parts of a much larger family group. Our resonsibilities and our vows are not just between two people, but have consequences for all members of the extended family as well. Divorce then, does not just effect the two people, but it often severely complicates the web of relationships that have developed between grandfathers and grandchildren, uncles and aunts, and of course friends as well who become like family through love.

As has been alluded to, often the most devastated by the breakup of a marriage are the most vulnerable in the relationship. This would be the children.

If marriage was merely an institution in which two people satify their needs for companionship and sexual gratification, it might logically follow that as interests change and passions wane, the marriage could dissolve and they could go happily on their separate ways. Of course, if the divorcing couple were so reasonable, they likely wouldn't be divorcing in the first place.
While divorce may sometimes be necessary, like abortion, it can never really be considered as positive event.

More than the history story of a nation or a tribe, the Old Testament is the history of a family. The family is the most elemental structure of a society, and the nucleus of the family is the lifetime of love that develops between a man and a woman. The story of Ruth and Boaz is just one link in a the chain that led to Kingship of David, and ultimately the birth of Jesus as our savior. Marriage united them into a family that extends even beyond their lifespan. By remaining true to their love, they selflessly played an essential role in building a society in which living becomes worth the effort.

 

[Ampmonster]

or your namesake king solomon. wasn't he the "mack" with his wife?

no but your post is well said.
i believe when i get married, we become one entity. good and bad up and down. if you realize this going in you'll more likely to pick an apt wife

 

[LovingMother]

Not true in all cases. Again, this wouldn't be something done pointlessly or for selfishness. I feel that if you have children already you are obligated to find a second mate that will be as good for them as he/she will be for you. People need to do that anyway-regardless of what system's in place. I've had 4 fathers. My biological father, my stepfather (not the best), my boyfriend Ben's father, and my boyfriend Bruno's father. I live with my current boyfriend's family (Bruno) they couldn't be more kind to me and his father and mother both treat me as their own. Father figures and mother figures require one thing: love of the child. Being exposed to a variety of loving people is probably the best thing that can happen to a child.

This system only fails when people choose poorly or out of sheer selfishness.

I think this could work in some sort of utopia, but in reality, people are selfish by nature. Has any person in modern times truly been selfless? Mother Theresa comes to mind, but was she truly selfless or trying to secure her rewards in heaven? I'm not saying that she wasn't selfless, just that there is the possibility that her actions could have been selfish. It isn't even in the nature of most animals to do what you are saying, at least not as far as the kiddos are concerned. I think that while kids need love, they also need stability. Moving from mate to mate wouldn't provide that stability whereas a life-long marriage would. I agree that kids should have a variety of loving people in their lives, but there are opportunities for this outside of the marriage.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Okay... I can see that we're not going to agree on the issue when kids are involved... shame, but hey- everyone is entitled to what they believe in and we are no exceptions right?

So how about before kids? Or if you have grown children no longer living in the home? I'd like to get some varied opinions here and I think the children hang up is not something we're going to get around unless we pass it by for the moment and return to it (as we inevitably will) later, sound acceptable?

 

[LovingMother]

Okay... I can see that we're not going to agree on the issue when kids are involved... shame, but hey- everyone is entitled to what they believe in and we are no exceptions right?

So how about before kids? Or if you have grown children no longer living in the home? I'd like to get some varied opinions here and I think the children hang up is not something we're going to get around unless we pass it by for the moment and return to it (as we inevitably will) later, sound acceptable?

I can agree to disagree with you on the point of children. As far as your questions about sex before and after kids, I still think monogomy is best and here are some reasons why;

1. Any time you have sex, you open yourself up to the possibility of having children and that goes back to what we were discussing.

2. I believe that moving from partner to partner without commitment creates more opportunity for hurt feelings and broken hearts (ie, if one partner wants to move on and the other does not).

3. Having multiple partners rather than one partner for life creates a greater risk for STDs and AIDS.

4. Moving from partner to partner does not provide the stability and security in your life that a life-long monogomous marriage would.

5. I am a Christian and my reliegion dictates that my sexual reltationships are to be with one person for life in marriage.

 

[Ampmonster]

do your really believe you can't find someone to love your whole life.
that's terrible.
i hate to say this, please look at it objectively! but if you had a consistent father figure your whole life your opinions would be totally different.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Thank you for the warm encouragement Ampmonster. Actually I have the opposite problem. Many people love me and would be with me, but I must choose just one for my whole life and deny all others. It seems unfair to hurt them and it hurts me to see them in pain because I have love for them as well.

 

[Ampmonster]

like i said it sounds like your one of the lucky ones.
god bless.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Lucky is all in the perspective. Anyway, luck has nothing to do with it. My mom made a massive effort when I was a child, she didn't always suceed but she did always try and I was made to be a grown up early enough to be wise enough by the time I was a teenager to realize that she was trying and that was what mattered.
My father is and was a drunk, a loving drunk sometimes and sometimes too loving... My stepdad is a neo-nazi who is at least an equal opportunity hater in that he hates everyone equally-a lot!
Things happen, friends are found and lost. Parents are fallible but you know the people they are and the love remains...
I don't know where I'm going with this except to say that it's not a matter of luck really, it's a matter of living and trying and continuing to try even when you are failing and try harder when you succeed.

 

[Ampmonster]

no one ever truely realizes, good or bad, the effect their parent have on them and their personalities.

the stuff they taught(or didnt teach) you when you were like 5(example) that you'll never remember still defines your personality. to this day.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Of course it does. My mother had no maternal instict at all, she was as a sister to me much of my life, but she tried as hard as she could to develope one and that's all a person can ask. I love my mother and cherish her. How many 21 year olds say that? Better- how many 15 year olds say it as I did when I was that age? A true bond between parent and child is formed when the child not only knows the parent, but the person the parent really is.

 

[Ampmonster]

lol. cool. i still affirm in another 5 years, you'll be clamoring for a hubby and kids. you sound a lot like my GF 4 years ago. a lot!

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

I definately want kids- it's part of my process of selecting a mate and why my current boyfriend is the choice over my previous boyfriend. I've divined that I should have a boy and a girl with him, but that he will probably die when the children are around pubuerty. (Sad) The boy I think it going to end up a Christian, but I'm okay with that so long as he isn't one of the rabid ones lol.