Hi this is my first post here and im hoping i put it in the right section. Me and my girlfriend have been dating around 5 months, despite it only being 5 months i really love her. anyways she kept hinting she wanted a promise ring for christmas so i said ok. but she keeps getting impatient and asking for it earlier. keep telling her to be patient but she says she has been and stops talking to me for a few hours, turning off her phone. she will call back hours later crying asking me to forgive her, but should alittle promise ring be causing this much pain? i forgive her cause ive been around her dad enough to know that he acts the same way and thats who taught her to act that way. We are both christians and really into the faith so are there any bible verses about being materialistic or impatient? thanks, sorry it was a long post
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materialistic girlfriend
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SmileAndAHandshake
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To be honest, this doesn't sound like a materialistic problem. She sounds down right bipolar. The symptoms you are describing (pushing you away, then pulling you closer again) are actually symptoms of a couple of mental health issues, like Borderline Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.
Sometimes, when people start dating, they can really "cover up" mental health issues.. but eventually (usually about 3 to 6 months down the road, sometimes longer or shorter) they will rear their heads. Since you've only been dating about 5 months, I sort of wonder if perhaps she struggles with something mentally of this nature that's only now becoming apparent.
The fact that her dad does something similar, is actually a tell-tale sign as well. Mental health issues can be passed down from the parents, not always biologically (though sometimes it is chemical), but through actions. You are correct when you say she may have "learned" to act this way. Never the less, this could be a part of her that is only now becoming known to you, and you need to be careful to realize it may be a part of her that is not temporary.
To answer your question: NO. A little promise ring should not be causing this much pain. Her actions are impatient, desperate (to "lock in" your promise asap as if you are going to run away), insecure (see the "desperate" brackets), juvenile, and down right concerning.
And frankly, I don't think you should be promising her anything with those kinds of traits appearing. You need to just slow down. Proceed with caution is really the only thing I can tell you. While this could be nothing at all? It could actually be a symptom of something huge. I'm not saying you can't date someone who might have a mental health issue (I have mental health issues, I married just fine) but it's something you need to be prepared for if it exists before you make any promises.
Sometimes, when people start dating, they can really "cover up" mental health issues.. but eventually (usually about 3 to 6 months down the road, sometimes longer or shorter) they will rear their heads. Since you've only been dating about 5 months, I sort of wonder if perhaps she struggles with something mentally of this nature that's only now becoming apparent.
The fact that her dad does something similar, is actually a tell-tale sign as well. Mental health issues can be passed down from the parents, not always biologically (though sometimes it is chemical), but through actions. You are correct when you say she may have "learned" to act this way. Never the less, this could be a part of her that is only now becoming known to you, and you need to be careful to realize it may be a part of her that is not temporary.
To answer your question: NO. A little promise ring should not be causing this much pain. Her actions are impatient, desperate (to "lock in" your promise asap as if you are going to run away), insecure (see the "desperate" brackets), juvenile, and down right concerning.
And frankly, I don't think you should be promising her anything with those kinds of traits appearing. You need to just slow down. Proceed with caution is really the only thing I can tell you. While this could be nothing at all? It could actually be a symptom of something huge. I'm not saying you can't date someone who might have a mental health issue (I have mental health issues, I married just fine) but it's something you need to be prepared for if it exists before you make any promises.
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thanks for the reply Ashes, ive had the tought in my mind before that she might be bipolar. im an emt and had a close friend that was bipolar. i was hoping this was just imaturity but she has givin other signs like texting me in the middle of the night, and she is always having bad dreams which seem like more signs. but only time will tell. i will go slow and see where it goes. I have faith that if i put God first and let him guide me things will be ok. i gues i can see it in a new light now, before i was thinking that she only wanted it to show it off or something. anyways thank for the help.
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citizenthom
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My first thought was an anxiety problem, not bipolar. Anxiety is far more common, especially among people from repressive backgrounds. She has identified locking you up with a "promise ring" as a target for her anxiety and wants relief from it, but is embarrassed by the way she acts absent that relief. It's not uncommon, but it is unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
I'll point out that anxiety and insecurity shouldn't be anywhere CLOSE to a deal-breaker in a woman: in fact, they're common and can be directed towards positive things. But she does need to acknowledge that this sort of obsessive behavior is not a positive thing and can hurt her and her loved ones.
I'll point out that anxiety and insecurity shouldn't be anywhere CLOSE to a deal-breaker in a woman: in fact, they're common and can be directed towards positive things. But she does need to acknowledge that this sort of obsessive behavior is not a positive thing and can hurt her and her loved ones.
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NiobiumTragedy
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It's not a bi-polar issue. This goes to show that people have no idea what bi-polar syndrome theory is as it's the most misdiagnosed mental illness there is. Sometimes I really hate psychology...
Here's a question for you: does daddy get this girl everything she wants? Is she a little spoiled? Because it sounds a little more like she's use to getting what she wants immediately than any type of psychological issue. And you're certainly correct: if this is something her father does, then she probably picked it up from him over the years.
It could also be a bit of insecurity, as citizenthom brought up, but unless you have issues with her constantly trying to reassure your relationship with you (i.e. her always asking things like "you love me, right?" and "You're not seeing anyone else, are you?"), I don't see that being the issue either.
It certainly sounds like she's simply picking up on daddy's bad habits.
Here's a question for you: does daddy get this girl everything she wants? Is she a little spoiled? Because it sounds a little more like she's use to getting what she wants immediately than any type of psychological issue. And you're certainly correct: if this is something her father does, then she probably picked it up from him over the years.
It could also be a bit of insecurity, as citizenthom brought up, but unless you have issues with her constantly trying to reassure your relationship with you (i.e. her always asking things like "you love me, right?" and "You're not seeing anyone else, are you?"), I don't see that being the issue either.
It certainly sounds like she's simply picking up on daddy's bad habits.
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Luther073082
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This girl I think has some issues and I don't recommend getting her a promise ring. I don't recommend getting her anything.
I don't have the time to look them up now, but the bible is basically Materialism = Bad and that patience is a virtue.
This sounds like a bad situation and she seems a little demanding and isn't above emotional manipulation. As a person with no emotional ties to the situation I recommend that you get out.
Perhaps you can refer her to someone she can talk to in the process.
I don't have the time to look them up now, but the bible is basically Materialism = Bad and that patience is a virtue.
This sounds like a bad situation and she seems a little demanding and isn't above emotional manipulation. As a person with no emotional ties to the situation I recommend that you get out.
Perhaps you can refer her to someone she can talk to in the process.
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Luther and I just completely agreed on this for basically the same reason. That does not happen often.
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JCFantasy23
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She still sounds pretty young, so perhaps she just hasn't matured enough yet. Impatient and such. Doesn't sound to me like bi-polar (sigh), but more like she wants to rush, rush, rush. If I diagnosed anything from your post, I'd look more on the side of maybe some self-esteem issues.
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gzt
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Though I don't know if the whole promise ring thing is about materialism rather than, like, commitment or something.
The whole idea of promise rings is silly to me, though.
The whole idea of promise rings is silly to me, though.
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Unless she is an incredibly shallow person, I don't think this is about materialism. It's about wanting a sign of your affection and commitment to her. It's impossible to say from somebody else's forum post whether the level of commitment she desires is healthy.
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