I feel like making a pile of everything I own and treasure and burning it in a oil covered fire...maybe even jumping into it.
I have no purpose in life, no passions, no achievements that matter. Becoming a high school teacher is a horrible job with horrible pay and that's my future. I can't even indulge in materialism because I'll be a lower Middle class loser living barely by the skin of my teeth.
Without family I quite literally would have no reason to live. Not even God comforts me anymore. The more I think of God the less caring he seems. And in any case I'm going to Hell if it even exists at all.
We rarely seem to have a specific clear purpose, and our achievements are something we can't take with us when we leave this life. But indeed, that's something we struggle with. I have struggled with it too, and will again. We might feel ashamed and useless, but at the same time we can learn to be thankful for what we have.
I'm on a disability pension myself. I'm nearing 40. It's probably not much, but the few years I actually worked raised it to this level where I can pay the rent for my crappy small apartment, buy food and survive. I don't travel, eat at restaurants, get fancy clothes, don't even have a car anymore. I have little, but I don't need more. In fact, I have more than I need: I have games, movies and such. I have no wife and children, but I have a couple of friends.
We will meet people who have a clear role in society and some wealth too, but who are still lost and struggling with a lot of things. We will meet people who had it all, but lost it. We will meet people who are no different than us, and they might even need our help, no matter how their life is otherwise. And about passions: sometimes they're hidden. Some people find their passions when they're older, or through some circumstances (illness, accident, meeting a certain person, taking a chance, whatever it may be).
These kind of phases are important. We question our place in the world, we see that many things simply don't matter. It's harder to deal with if we suffer from depression or something like it, but it can be very beneficial for us. When we are down, at some point we will humble ourselves. We will rebel, of course, with anger and hate, often directed at ourselves and even God, but at some point we are humbled. And we pray. We need guidance, because the world doesn't make sense anymore, and we pray for it. We put our hope in Christ. And we get patience, because often we are forced to. We will start to see the things that really matter, and we will have more peace than we ever did. We might even start to think less about what we don't have, and more about what we can give. The best kind of freedom.
I was depressed for almost 20 years (still am a little, but I can't complain, I'm so much better now). During those years I had only a few jobs, both I had to quit. I lost all the lovers and companions I had, one remains friends with me. I went to hospitals all the time, lots of treatments. I was an alcoholic, and I felt severe anguish, I was hopeless. My mother helped me, and besides her, all I had was God. It's not like I was (or still am) the best christian, far from it. I had doubts, I was almost an atheist at one point, and I was arrogant towards God and christians. But I eventually got better. Much shame, much feelings of worthlessness, but I now have more peace of mind than I ever did.
This is not to say that your journey will be the same as mine. But put your hope in Christ. Even if you don't have the patience, or even if you feel like He doesn't care or exist, just pray with the honesty you have. Because then you seek, and you shall be answered. In time. It's in our nature not to be faithful, but it's in His nature to always be faithful.
We don't need to pretend in front of God. It won't work. If we only have a little faith, or none at all, we should pray as we are; no matter how faithless or sinful we might feel.
From Luke 18:
9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Said a prayer for you.
