Marrying young, I need your help.

[Lory Valencia]

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post on this site. Well, to start off this may be a long one haha. While being in high school, I dated a boy for about two years. We were very on and off, and it became very toxic. He was extremely emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. I stayed for so long because I was completely infatuated by him. When the relationship finally ended, I became very depressed and started dating a bunch of guys within a time span of 6 months. I guess I did it to fill the void. One day my mom and I began listening to Joel Osteen podcasts during car rides, I began to give my life to Christ and suddenly didn't feel a void anymore. A few weeks later my ex came back into my life and I saw it as a sign that God wanted us to be together. Two weeks later I found out he had cheated on me. I broke things off with him for good. I found myself dating multiple guys again. One night I laid in bed crying, I spoke to the Lord and told him I did not want this anymore, I've always been the type to settle down and dating around made me feel low. That night I manifested to the Lord everything I wanted in a man, from looks to personality. I told him I was ready to settle down. A few days after I graduated, I met one of my cousins co workers, let's call him Jay. Automatically I found him cute but did not think much into it. My cousin told me that Jay gets red easily and jokingly said "my cousin thinks you're cute." I was kinda embarrassed because although I thought it, I did not actually say it. Later that night, my other cousin that also worked there handed me a napkin with his number on it. I was happy and kind of shocked because everyone said it was so unlike him to do something like that, he was very reserved. It was already late so I figured I'd text him in the morning. Before I went to bed that night, I talked to God, and I remember saying, "God, if this guy is not the one, please don't put me through this again. Please don't waste my time." The next morning I texted him, time went by and about a month and a half in, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We've had our problems of course, but most of them have came from our families thinking we are too young to be so invested in a relationship. (I'm 19 and he's 23) My thing was, I date with intent. I let him know that from the start, Since the very beginning I told my family about how I'd marry him one day. As time went by, my mother specifically was NOT a fan of our relationship what so ever. This made our relationship get hard because I've always valued my mom's opinions deeply. A little over a year after we became boyfriend and girlfriend, he proposed to me. I said yes of course, but truthfully I felt no support from anyone besides my friends. This has made it extremely hard to enjoy my engagement. A few of my family members are constantly telling me how my relationship won't last, I'm too young and in a few years we will both regret it, I'm going to miss out on so much... etc. My mom does not support it what so ever and whenever I bring up any wedding planning she makes a smart remark and says it's stupid. All these negative remarks and opinions are secretly getting to my head and I'm beginning to doubt myself. The wedding isn't going to happen until I turn 21 anyway but my family still says I'm too young. I've prayed on it but I need some advice or words of wisdom...

 

[Your Brother In Christ]

Is your age is the only reason your mom dislikes your relationship?
What do they think you will miss out on?
Is he a fellow Christian?

 

[Lory Valencia]

My age, my mom and everyone else thinks I should enjoy my twenties by partying, traveling, and having fun. Mind you, she knows that's never been my persona. I don't find interest in partying. My fiancé is a fellow Christian, he is just starting out.

 

[Lory Valencia]

She also will find any flaw in my fiancé to get into my head and convince me that because of those flaws our marriage will not work.

 

[Albion]

My age, my mom and everyone else thinks I should enjoy my twenties by partying, traveling, and having fun. Mind you, she knows that's never been my persona. I don't find interest in partying. My fiancé is a fellow Christian, he is just starting out.

I would not recommend a decade of partying, etc. but as for the worry about you being too young--yeh, that is probably correct.

The fact is that some people marry at your age and it works out, but the odds are much less that you will have a successful and lasting marriage at this age than if you waited awhile and lived and experience more of life before committing. And it may be even more important for him to do the same. At the very least, I would put your wedding day off for a couple of years, even if you stay exclusive with your fiancé in the meantime.

 

[Your Brother In Christ]

Ok, then first of all, if he is a young Christian he needs time to grow records Christ.

Here are some critical relationship question for you to keep in mind:
Does he help you serve the Lord?
Do you both help each over grow in relationship with the Lord?
Do you pray together?

Finally I am married as of July 28th, I am 27 my wife is 19. The only difference I see between our situation are I am an older Christian then she is. And the man is the spiritual leader, is he ready to be your spiritual leader?

 

[Your Brother In Christ]

There is nothing wrong about marrying young but you must be ready to fight together for your marriage, it is a lot of work.

 

[Not David]

Have you talked to your pastor, going to marriage counseling to prepare yourselves?

 

[maintenance man]

My mom does not support it what so ever and whenever I bring up any wedding planning she makes a smart remark and says it's stupid. All these negative remarks and opinions are secretly getting to my head and I'm beginning to doubt myself. The wedding isn't going to happen until I turn 21 anyway but my family still says I'm too young. I've prayed on it but I need some advice or words of wisdom...

Marriage is not easy. It's hard. Once you have children it's 10 times harder. If you have very little money it's 100 times harder.

There's a lot about you and your boyfriend I don't know, so it's impossible for me to say if your mom's concerns are valid. In a general since - being older and more financially secure will be a much better time to consider marriage. On this point I agree with your mom.

I think it's beautiful that the two of you want to commit your lives together. The first step needs to be careful planning.

What will your careers be?
How will you achieve your career goals?
How much money will you need for education?
How much money will you need to rent a home?
How much money will you need to furnish that home?
Home much money will you need to pay the monthly bills?
How much money do you have saved?

Yes, money is a major factor. The lack of money can quickly destroy an otherwise beautiful relationship.

My best advice is for one or both of you to complete your education and/or job training and land a secure job with a solid future before you consider marriage.

I also suggest you have a good deal of money saved before you consider marriage.

If you start out on this solid financial ground you will be much happier together.

Working together toward these goals will be a good proving ground for your future together.

You have lots of life ahead. There is no need to rush.

 

[Hazelelponi]

She also will find any flaw in my fiancé to get into my head and convince me that because of those flaws our marriage will not work.

I am not against marrying at your age with family support. Family support is necessary when your young... you will face many issues surrounding pregnancy, birth control, running a household, being a wife, financial issues and more and you two will NEED your parents at your age.

What I am most concerned outside of a lack of family support, is that as I was also young once, it seems your mother is pointing out faults to you and your glossing over them like they don't matter.

I'm very much afraid they do matter, and it just might be far more important than you imagine.

I had problems with my daughters husband, he was absolutely disrespectful of me, and showed many warning signs and I worried about abuse in their marriage and so I counseled her not to marry him.. in the end she married him against my advice, and while it was emotional abuse and not physical, I was correct in my fears and spent a lot of time with her in tears trying to comfort her, but by then it was too late, they were married.

So, if you mom is seeing faults in him that are scaring her, you might want to listen to her concerns more closely. She might be trying to save you from something potentially very bad.

 

[Lory Valencia]

I respect that, I also respect my mom's opinions. My whole life I have done everything her way to please her but there are times I need to put my foot down. My fiancé has never done anything horrible to me nor my family. My mother is the type of person who would not even accept the perfect man if he existed.

 

[Lory Valencia]

Have you talked to your pastor, going to marriage counseling to prepare yourselves?

I've tried emailing him but have not gotten a reply.

 

[Lory Valencia]

Marriage is not easy. It's hard. Once you have children it's 10 times harder. If you have very little money it's 100 times harder.

There's a lot about you and your boyfriend I don't know, so it's impossible for me to say if your mom's concerns are valid. In a general since - being older and more financially secure will be a much better time to consider marriage. On this point I agree with your mom.

I think it's beautiful that the two of you want to commit your lives together. The first step needs to be careful planning.

What will your careers be?
How will you achieve your career goals?
How much money will you need for education?
How much money will you need to rent a home?
How much money will you need to furnish that home?
Home much money will you need to pay the monthly bills?
How much money do you have saved?

Yes, money is a major factor. The lack of money can quickly destroy an otherwise beautiful relationship.

My best advice is for one or both of you to complete your education and/or job training and land a secure job with a solid future before you consider marriage.

I also suggest you have a good deal of money saved before you consider marriage.

If you start out on this solid financial ground you will be much happier together.

Working together toward these goals will be a good proving ground for your future together.

You have lots of life ahead. There is no need to rush.

I completely understand that! My fiancé has already finished his degrees, I however still have a few years left. I am not trying to rush but I also do not plan on waiting until I am finished with school and a career because by that time I'd be near my 30's and my fiancé in his mid 30's, I also want time to enjoy my marriage before we decide to have children and I don't want to be an older mom. I am not trying to rush, my wedding would be two years from now and my fiancé makes good money, I make decent money. Just a little background in regards to your concerns but thank you for the input. xx

 

[Lory Valencia]

Ok, then first of all, if he is a young Christian he needs time to grow records Christ.

Here are some critical relationship question for you to keep in mind:
Does he help you serve the Lord?
Do you both help each over grow in relationship with the Lord?
Do you pray together?

Finally I am married as of July 28th, I am 27 my wife is 19. The only difference I see between our situation are I am an older Christian then she is. And the man is the spiritual leader, is he ready to be your spiritual leader?

We do pray together, originally I was Christian before he was. We began attending a new church together and we participate I Bible studies together. Being completely honest, I am more of the spiritual leader than he is. He is still learning and so am I, but I have more knowledge about practicing the religion than him.

 

[Lory Valencia]

I would not recommend a decade of partying, etc. but as for the worry about you being too young--yeh, that is probably correct.

The fact is that some people marry at your age and it works out, but the odds are much less that you will have a successful and lasting marriage at this age than if you waited awhile and lived and experience more of life before committing. And it may be even more important for him to do the same. At the very least, I would put your wedding day off for a couple of years, even if you stay exclusive with your fiancé in the meantime.

I understand the concerns! Don't get me wrong, I have my concerns too. But the way I think is, as long as you have Christ in your marriage everything will be ok. And by the way, my wedding would be two years from now. Thank you for the input. xx

 

[Sketcher]

She also will find any flaw in my fiancé to get into my head and convince me that because of those flaws our marriage will not work.

What specifically does she see in him that makes her believe he is not treating you well or that a marriage between you would not work?

 

[maintenance man]

My mother is the type of person who would not even accept the perfect man if he existed.

I like the answers you're giving.

Of course I don't know your mom. She may be a very difficult person, but she is your mom.
Her job is to protect you. That's what she's doing. Try to understand her rather than challenge her.

You seem to be thinking clearly to me. Help your mom see the steps you are taking to secure your future together and she may one day come around to your side.

 

[Endeavourer]

Here's a great discussion on choosing the right one to marry. I have experienced how accurate this advice is:
Choosing the Right One to Marry #2

How do the two of you match up in the five areas suggested? The relationships I've seen struggle have been mismatched in especially the top two, intelligence and energy.

 

[Lory Valencia]

I like the answers you're giving.

Of course I don't know your mom. She may be a very difficult person, but she is your mom.
Her job is to protect you. That's what she's doing. Try to understand her rather than challenge her.

You seem to be thinking clearly to me. Help your mom see the steps you are taking to secure your future together and she may one day come around to your side.

No of course, I value her opinion more than anyone else's. I don't mean to challenge her, it's just hard to make her understand anything. She is a strong headed woman. Thank you for your feed back.xx

 

[Kit Sigmon]

My advice.... enjoy being single and being one of the Lord's Ambassadors
for as long as possible.

Many today get married and have no savings/no emergency funds... don't be
one of them, so both of you start stacking paper (saving money/investing individually).
God be with you is correct and His Word say to be good stewards of money
and not to take on debt, yet we don't listen, see here:
This Is How Much Debt the Average American Has Now—at Every Age
and here: How student loans are stopping millennials from buying houses