Marrying the wrong person

[JCLover779]

I thought this was good. It's secular, but has some great points.

How we end up marrying the wrong people | Philosophers' Mail

 

[LinkH]

This is a different perspective on the issue:

Help, I Married the Wrong Person | TGC | The Gospel Coalition


I think it is possible to marry the wrong person: your brother, your sister, your mom, your dad, someone who is already married, someone of the same gender. I don't believe a believer should marry an unbeliever, but I wouldn't say the marriage is invalid because of that.

Generally thinking of your marriage as "I married the wrong person" can be harmful for the marriage.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I think that knowing yourself is a big part of the equation. But part of learning about yourself means moving out and living on your own plus dating and interacting with others to determine if what you think you want in another is what would actually work out.

Though I do wonder how one is to determine what their needs and desires will be for intimacy if they remain chaste? In that area the difference between what you think will work vs reality can be miles apart.

 

[Avniel]

I think that knowing yourself is a big part of the equation. But part of learning about yourself means moving out and living on your own plus dating and interacting with others to determine if what you think you want in another is what would actually work out.

Though I do wonder how one is to determine what their needs and desires will be for intimacy if they remain chaste? In that area the difference between what you think will work vs reality can be miles apart.

I don't know if I believe one has to do all of that to know what they want. I did not date many people and I met my wife my freshmen year in college. I think people just either need to be from a real good family or maybe went through a lot in life to have that depth have self realization to know ok this is who I want and why. I will say that marriage is not easy it takes hard work and respecting each other and loving each other enough to grow together. I want to know what you think makes our generation different from generations that married way earlier? I think it depends on what we expect from our children and how we raise them to either know themselves fully or need to be seperated from us to reach self realization.

I think with two like minded individuals who know themselves can walk the distance between "think will work" and what actually works. Even the constitution has amendments.

 

[Hetta]

I just want to say that this article immediately started on the wrong premise with this:

Studies have shown that Facebook has led to widespread demise of marriages, discontentment with our current lives ..

Facebook is an electronic entity. It can't "do" anything. It is the people using Facebook who have led themselves into actions that cause the demise of their marriages. And really "Facebook makes us sadder"? So now Facebook is responsible for our feelings of envy and lust?

The blame and responsibility is put in the wrong place. It is up to the individual to deal with their feelings, and if they can't, then they should stay off the internet.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I don't know if I believe one has to do all of that to know what they want. I did not date many people and I met my wife my freshmen year in college. I think people just either need to be from a real good family or maybe went through a lot in life to have that depth have self realization to know ok this is who I want and why. I will say that marriage is not easy it takes hard work and respecting each other and loving each other enough to grow together. I want to know what you think makes our generation different from generations that married way earlier? I think it depends on what we expect from our children and how we raise them to either know themselves fully or need to be seperated from us to reach self realization.

I think with two like minded individuals who know themselves can walk the distance between "think will work" and what actually works. Even the constitution has amendments.

They say character is what you do when no one is watching. If one has enough opportunities to learn about themselves in college then great.

The big difference is that somewhere between the last few generations and now, the need or pressure to get and stay married has reduced greatly while focus on individual happiness has increased. Additionally, divorce was harder and had some stigma, forcing couples to work it out.

Look at the current wave of baby boomers divorcing sometimes after 20+ years. I suspect the current wave stayed together for the kids but are now empty nesters. Without some kind of outside force a large number of people can't stay together. That is why finding out if you have what it takes to work through the hard parts of married life is something one needs to determine about themselves now that outside factors have less power to keep then together.

 

[Avniel]

They say character is what you do when no one is watching. If one has enough opportunities to learn about themselves in college then great.

The big difference is that somewhere between the last few generations and now, the need or pressure to get and stay married has reduced greatly while focus on individual happiness has increased. Additionally, divorce was harder and had some stigma, forcing couples to work it out.

Look at the current wave of baby boomers divorcing sometimes after 20+ years. I suspect the current wave stayed together for the kids but are now empty nesters. Without some kind of outside force a large number of people can't stay together. That is why finding out if you have what it takes to work through the hard parts of married life is something one needs to determine about themselves now that outside factors have less power to keep then together.

I do see your point not saying I agree, but if you were correct....what is it that the baby boomers parents missed out when they were being raised?

I do agree I think character is what you do when nobody is looking I do also think that we as parents at times don't give our children in their teen years the freedom to know who they are. We as parents over protect at times to avoid mistakes but that just leads to later character identity finding.

 

[LinkH]

The issue of marrying the wrong person is a valid topic for someone who hasn't found a partner yet. After your hitched, we shouldn't treat it like buying the wrong product at Walmart-- oops, got the wrong one. I use their return policy and go get the right one.

I believe a lot of young Christians could be helped if they got some more teaching on what kind of spouse to look for. Proverbs has a lot of useful information on what kind of men and women to avoid, and what traits to work on. And of course there are other books.

Back in the old days, whenever those were, parents used to be more involved in spouse selection. They are in some countries like India, for example. When I was really young, the idea of my parents being involved at all just didn't seem right. But I see how it makes sense. After 10, 15, 20, 30 years of marriage, you see the types of things in your own partner that have made it easy to get along and enjoy each other and the things that make it hard to get along. You also hear and read the sad stories of people whose partners lacked certain traits.

When my brother was a teenager, he dated this girl who would brag a lot and who was kind of 'petty' as they say in the south. She'd get upset about small stuff. She got a chance to meet our cousin, close to mine and my brother's age. My brother asked what he thought. He told my brother she seemed really nice and how happy he was for her.

I wonder what would have happened if my brother had seriously asked my parents for their input. Theirs would have been a lot more in depth and they would have seen some dynamics in the relationship that they weren't too happy about. They probably told him when I wasn't around anyway.

Sometimes, when a couple gets serious, they'll take each other around to meet their peers, people in their 20's or whatever, who have little or no experience with marriage. Your potential partner just has to be polite and friendly for 5 minutes or a few hours to win a thumbs up from your friends who give you some kind of assurance you are looking for that things are okay. I think young people looking to marry would do well to get some advice from older married friends.

When I was thinking of getting married, I was sharing a house with a 40-year-old friend of mine who had five kids. His family was back in the US while he was finishing up a construction project. It was good to get his input on the relationship and general thoughts about getting married and just making the decision to do it.

It's funny how he could hit the nail on the head at times. "Your thinking you are not good enough for her, aren't you." That was one of my concerns when I was thinking of proposing. At first, I had criteria to find in a wife. Then I got to know her and care about her so much, and I started to be concerned whether I'd be good enough for her. He told me he had the same thoughts when he was thinking of proposing. It was good to have someone older than myself to talk these things through with. I talked to my parents on the phone some, and so did she. But it was good to have someone who'd been married a while to talk through issues related to marriage when I was thinking about it.

 

[JCLover779]

The issue of marrying the wrong person is a valid topic for someone who hasn't found a partner yet. After your hitched, we shouldn't treat it like buying the wrong product at Walmart-- oops, got the wrong one. I use their return policy and go get the right one.

I believe a lot of young Christians could be helped if they got some more teaching on what kind of spouse to look for. Proverbs has a lot of useful information on what kind of men and women to avoid, and what traits to work on. And of course there are other books.

I agree. I had originally thought to put this in the "questions singles ask about married life" section, but looked over the topics there and decided it didn't really fit with what they were asking. Also, since I'm married, I didn't know if I should really be starting a topic there.

I was/am interested in seeing what others have to say about it. I had my oldest son read it.

When I first started reading it, I didn't think I would finish it. I saw the first topic and thought it didn't apply to me - I've always been pretty self-aware - as is my oldest child. But then I saw that the author was discussing this need to truly being one's self with their spouse, and that they would be there to support each other b/c they were the people who could *and would* actually do that - and that is what I feel is lacking in my marriage. We don't connect. I think we are actually a pretty good match in so many ways, but there is nothing really of depth emotionally between us. We are more of that "friend out for a good evening" and leave it at that that the author mentions later.

Growing up, I was taught to put on a facade and that I have an image to protect. It was a function of the time that I grew up, my family, and definitely the church (which affected the first two). The problem is, that I got married so fast that I never had time to see if this was a person with whom I could take down that facade. That's what I didn't know, or think about, because when I thought about dating/getting to know someone (because, really I had NO instruction or help or guidance from anyone), it wasn't that you *should* go through some pretty awful stuff together before you get married in order to see how you do communicating, supporting each other, etc. So, I've talked with my oldest (and will with the others, too) and let him know that having difficulty in a relationship is not something to fear, but something to welcome - not that you want it all the time - but that when it does present itself, it's an opportunity to learn about each other. Often times, I feel like in churches, we don't let our boundaries down, we have to be "the perfect little Christian", and we learn how to not let our deep insides show - with anyone. I think this is not unique to Christianity, but holds true across many religions and cultures. I'm just applying it to Christianity here b/c that's who I am and that's what this board is about.

There was a lot of other good in the piece - that I thought was worthy of reading for my son. They were things that I figured out intuitively, and that I'm sure he has/will, too, yet they are still nice to read and think about in different ways/at different places/times in life. The reminders that a marriage shouldn't be built on the emotions of a fabulous evening out, for example...

 

[JCLover779]

Generally thinking of your marriage as "I married the wrong person" can be harmful for the marriage.

I think the author of the piece wasn't really directing it at all married people in hopes that they re-evaluate and trade their spouse in for someone new ("take them in to WalMart"). I think it was intended as pre-marital advice, or for those who are trying to figure out what they did wrong in their existing marriage.

 

[JCLover779]

Link - I think that is fabulous that you had a mentor like that in your life when you were dating your wife. I wish that I, too, had had someone who could have helped me sort through the things with a different set of eyes. Thankfully, all of my children have expressed a genuine interest in asking for relationship advice. We have spent a lot of time together talking about what sort of character traits and behaviors to look for and to look out for and other things. I have told them that they need to talk with others, too, not just us their parents.

ETA - The thing that I like about this article - it gave me a way to have my son read about the need for that emotional connection/support in a marriage partner prospect without my having to disclose to him that his father and I do not share that kind of companionship. I think some of the things brought up in the article are not addressed by the "Proverbs 31 woman" or similar lists of attributes to look for in a spouse. I grew up with those kinds of lists, but not the kinds of things on the article's list. But...I think that in a way...God seeing that "it was not good for man to be alone" kind of hints at that need for someone to share with on that deep level - more than that of a "just a friend" - and yet it seems to be more the practical issues that are addressed in churches as the "difficult times" you will have to support each other in marriage - and that we should take our deep emotional longings to God: "your spouse wasn't meant to fulfill that role". But I'm not sure that is the right way; it seems kind of dismissive to me.

 

[JCLover779]

They say character is what you do when no one is watching. If one has enough opportunities to learn about themselves in college then great.

The big difference is that somewhere between the last few generations and now, the need or pressure to get and stay married has reduced greatly while focus on individual happiness has increased. Additionally, divorce was harder and had some stigma, forcing couples to work it out.

Look at the current wave of baby boomers divorcing sometimes after 20+ years. I suspect the current wave stayed together for the kids but are now empty nesters. Without some kind of outside force a large number of people can't stay together. That is why finding out if you have what it takes to work through the hard parts of married life is something one needs to determine about themselves now that outside factors have less power to keep then together.

 

[JCLover779]

I just want to say that this article immediately started on the wrong premise with this:

Facebook is an electronic entity. It can't "do" anything. It is the people using Facebook who have led themselves into actions that cause the demise of their marriages. And really "Facebook makes us sadder"? So now Facebook is responsible for our feelings of envy and lust?

The blame and responsibility is put in the wrong place. It is up to the individual to deal with their feelings, and if they can't, then they should stay off the internet.

To clarify - the article you are quoting is not the one I posted a link to. The article I posted about doesn't mention Facebook or social media - at least that I remembered reading, nor could I find mention of those things when I scanned it again after your post.

That aside, Facebook does serve as a venue for ample opportunity in envy and lust. And acknowledging that in an article might help some to realize that it is a place to stay away from if it is causing difficulty.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, this is a bit of a segue, but I feel comfortable discussing it since it seems to be part of the discussion. With respect to FB, and any online medium for that matter, I have a bit of a different perspective on the matter.

I've been "online" quite a bit longer than most people have. My parents bought our first computer back when I was 12 years old, back in 1982, and at my prodding (since I'd just seen WarGames and had visions of changing my grades, hacking into NASA, etc) - got a modem to go with it. It was an old school acoustic coupler modem - 150 baud (which means I can probably type faster than the text was delivered on the screen) - where you'd manually dial your rotary phone - listen for the carrier - then plop the receiver down into the modem to get going.

Back then there were community BBSes, etc...there was no internet (although there was the precursor of it, Telenet/etc). So, I've kinda grown up with the medium, and seen the online environment develop from it's infancy into what it is now. As such I've had an opportunity to watch people and how they react in it - what they do/etc.

...and generally speaking...anonymity doesn't exactly bring out the best in people.

Anonymity allows people to bring out their inner douche, which it seems most people are just aching to do. People say and do stuff online that they would never think about saying or doing in real life...and they thoroughly enjoy it. Don't get me wrong - I think trolling has it's place. Sometimes good trolling can help expose the inconsistencies many have in their thought processes. But - there's a difference between that and what a lot of people engage in - which is just straight out douchebaggery.

It isn't that FB, or any other online environment, necessarily is "bad" for marriages. It isn't that it promotes lust and/or any of those other things. The reason it seems to do that is because it opens up more opportunity for people's already-present traits to thrive.

It's kind of like that Chris Rock skit where he says "A man is about as faithful as his options are." Well - FB opens up your options by exposing you to more people. It isn't that it's leading you down the primrose path. It's that it makes the primrose path easier to navigate for those that want to go down it. But - it didn't create the character flaw - the character flaw was already there.

I would take little comfort knowing that my spouse was only faithful due to the lack of awareness of other options...which is pretty much what it boils down to when you make the argument that "facebook is to be avoided." Ya know?

 

[JCLover779]

Ya know?

Yep! All good points. I'm trying to think of something creative to say, but you just said it all so well.

 

[LinkH]

EZoolander, you were in this stuff really early on. I got in a little later with a 300 baud modem when 1200 was standard and 2400 was new and expensive, and did BBS's and stuff like that. I could read the text almost as fast as it appeared on the screen. I did that on an Atari computer.

 

[DZoolander]

Yep - my mom read an article back around 1980 that said "Computers will be very important in the future - best for your children to learn them now" - and figured it was good advice. Our first computer was a CP/M machine. What was yours - like an atari 400, 800?

If ya don't mind me asking - how old are you? I've always gotten the impression you're about my age (maybe a little younger?)