Marrying a non-virgin

[1968Firebird400]

I am courting a woman right now (long distance) and we connect emotionally and love each other. She claims to be "pure" again, but she has had many, many sexual encounters in the past. We both want to wait for marriage but her sexual history disgusts me. Should I continue this relationship?

Also, I need advice on cohabitation, because its the only way she can be near me.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

(cross-posted from Singles)

I am courting a woman right now (long distance) and we connect emotionally. She claims to be "pure" again, but she has had many, many sexual encounters in the past. We both want to wait for marriage but her sexual history disgusts me. Should I continue this relationship?

Also, I need advice on cohabitation, because its the only way she can be near me.

I personally am a fan of living together before marriage. I wouldn't have married my husband if we hadn't lived together, sorry but I need to know that someone isn't crazy behind closed doors. People hide all kinds of things in private, things they can hide for years. There is no substitute for living together before marriage to find out if you are both on the same page. But that's just me.

As for the whole "pure" thing.. look, here it is all laid out for you: Get over it, or don't continue the relationship. She deserves better than to have her boyfriend come on to a forum and say that he's disgusted by her (and her past is a part of her whether you like it or not). All right, so you aren't a fan of her history.. well, you decided to date her, so you have got to get over it. Her history isn't going to magically disappear: Either you get over it, or it'll create issues.

If you really do love her, this "past" of hers is nothing compared to the person you love now. But you have to decide asap if that love is enough to let go of your "disgust" of her past. I think that's totally not fair to that poor girl, I don't care what she's done. I have a pretty lengthy "past" of that nature myself.

 

[gzt]

If you can't get over it, you shouldn't date her, but you should try to get over it. The important thing is whether she repented of that stuff and whether you repent of whatever sexual shenanigans you have done in the past, because we're all sinners and all that jazz. It's better to be a repentant prostitute than a Pharisee, if you've ever read the Gospels.

I, and a lot of other Christians, think that cohabitation is not a good idea for many reasons, only one of which being the temptation to sexual sin. But that one right there is a pretty big reason. I'm pretty sure you don't have to live together for her to be near you. It's perfectly possible for her to find some living arrangements in your locale that do not include you. Seriously. If you decide that you will cohabitate, I think the shock of "long distance relationship" to "cohabitation" is a bit much to take in one step.

 

[The Nihilist]

Man, don't move in with a girl from the internet across the country. That's sketchy.

 

[Slider1]

I don't always, but this time I fully and completely agree with The Nihilist (you're totally right dude. Sketchy as all get out)

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Before you even try to progress with this relationship you need to assess her spiritual walk. Why does she now want to wait until marriage before having sex? Because you want to? Can she verbalize some kind of change or reason? What is she reading in the Bible right now, is she attending church, serving, etc.

And a big thumbs down on the cohabitating. Pray for God's direction, be willing to hear what He has to say about this relationship and then act on that. If she is going to move closer you can try to find a family or another female who she can move in with.

 

[Schnee]

.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I agree with the others. I understand how it may be hard to cope with. But if its going to effect the relationship, then its best to let her go.

Cohabitation...I'm pretty neutral on the concept, but it is something to seriously think about before you do. You left out a lot of information in your post regarding the nature of your relationship...How long you've been together, how long you've known each other, how many times you've been able to meet and spend time together...These are all factors that should influence your decision.

 

[katautumn]

Loving someone means accepting them for who they are. Their past is part and parcel of the relationship. If one aspect of it literally disgusts you and you cannot forgive her and look beyond it then end it now, because it's unfair to her for you to pretend you genuinely love her when you don't. And I agree with the Nihilist on this one - it's creepy to go from being super long-distance to *poof* living together. I would seriously question the character of anyone willing to do such a thing.

 

[BenevolentB]

We're called to be Christ like. Christ can forgive all sins if you repent of them. So if she genuinely has then what's your deal?

If it bugs you that bad then let the girl go in order to find somebody to love her completely. She deserves that.

 

[bliz]

Disgust? Really?

Seems to me that God forgave you for murdering His Son with your sins, so who are you to refuse to forgive her for sleeping around?

Do you really believe that God can wipe away sin, or is it's stain there forever?

Time for an audit of your theology.

And the whole cohabiting thing is bogus... there are no rooms to let in you community? No lonely widow in your church who would be thankful for a tenant? You have no family or friends she could stay with?

 

[sekir]

If it really disgusts you -you really dont lve or respect her for what she is today- a new creation in Christ-renewed and forgiven by God cleaned slate wiped clean.

Is she is truly repentant and a born again -living for the glory of Christ-then dear brother you still disgusted

let her off the hook and let her find someone who will love respect and trust her and not judge by what she has done -than what she is now ...

 

[EazyMack]

It is ok for a virgin to marry a non-virgin. We all need to be forgiven for something.

I suspect the issue here is not really that.

 

[indigo tree]

Honestly I think a person's virginity or non-virginity prior entering in a relationship is only as big of a deal as you make it. I guess I am in the camp of "no body's perfect, just get over it" camp.

 

[chicacanella]

We're called to be Christ like. Christ can forgive all sins if you repent of them. So if she genuinely has then what's your deal?

If it bugs you that bad then let the girl go in order to find somebody to love her completely. She deserves that.

I think one of the other posters posed a good question though. Has she repented or is she in love with him so she doesn't wan to have sex. Some people convert to Christianity not sincerely as they truly know that they need forgivenss for their sins, but for their significant other.

I believe that if at this point, he can't get past her past if she's truly repented...then it's his choice to leave. It's not just that she deserves that, they both deserve to be with someone they can love completely.

 

[marshallII]

If it is a problem then break it off or you may use it against her years down the road,not fair to her.

 

[lifetheuniverse]

I am courting a woman right now (long distance) and we connect emotionally and love each other. She claims to be "pure" again, but she has had many, many sexual encounters in the past. We both want to wait for marriage but her sexual history disgusts me. Should I continue this relationship?

Also, I need advice on cohabitation, because its the only way she can be near me.

If she wants to cohabitate she doesn't want to wait until marriage.

She hasn't waited for marriage and she hasn't waited many times with many people before you in the 'boyfriend experiences'. Are you sure you really loves you- or just the potential of having a 'husband experience' with you?

Women can fall in love with the idea of being married- of having a man take care of them, no longer having to work, of not having to worry about their financial future. Often there are other reasons.

Of feeling cherished and wanted and respectable. Somehow they believe deep down marriage will always be exciting and full of hormones and dating and dinners out.

The reality is far different- if she gets bored again with the relationship with you (as she has many, many times before) how do you know she just wont leave instead of staying?

What kind of marriage will you have if one partner loved the other partner SO MUCH before marriage that they WAITED for them and the other partner didn't?

Are you sure she has repented and healed of her multiple partners?

Or will the memories and habits she learned in those relationships rob her capacity to come to the marriage innocent? Remember that the wedding night- does she look happy just to be with your inexperienced fumblings or is she frowning that you do not know sexually how to please her immediately like some of the other men she has been with?

How will you feel about yourself five or ten years down the road when there are sex drive issues and sometimes she rejects you?

How will you feel driving home from work six years from in a safe 'family' car and realizing that while she has had her full of sexual and romantic encounters before she met you that you are still hungry?

 

[LilyLayola]

I am courting a woman right now (long distance) and we connect emotionally and love each other. She claims to be "pure" again, but she has had many, many sexual encounters in the past. We both want to wait for marriage but her sexual history disgusts me. Should I continue this relationship?

Also, I need advice on cohabitation, because its the only way she can be near me.

She deserves better than a man that is disgusted by her. Set her free.

 

[lifetheuniverse]

She deserves better than a man that is disgusted by her. Set her free.

I agree- if 'true love waits' is a make or break issue for you for what you want in a wife then you have to tell her. You have to be honest about it.

I'm more concerned about the fact you havn't dated her in real life at ALL and yet you two are already considering becoming married.

 

[undonebymercy]

I think if my boyfriend had said the same about me (I have a pretty sketchy past, and not one I'm proud of either), I would've gotten up and walked away immediately.
Jesus died so we could be forgiven for our sins, every single one of them...it's not up to you to decide whether she's worthy of forgiveness. Only the Perfect One can do that, and you my friend, do not seem perfect.
LilyLayola hit the nail on the head, she does deserve better. And you need to take a step back and think next time before you cast the first stone.