Married, separated & need advice, prayer & help

[Christie Shepherd]

I found this forum by mere accident while googling if living apart during marriage is healthy. Because right now, thats my situation. If I were to spill out everything going on I am sure someone would advise I call a suicide prevention hotline. Am I ok mentally? no. Am I ok spiritually? absolutley not. I am a recovery pastor. I'm sure right now you're thinking, "this woman is a pastor and has nobody to turn to but this forum?" Exactly right! So many people look at me as their rock. Right now I am a rock, I sleep as much as I can. I dont want to leave my home. I cry alot.
My husband and I separated due to his drug and alcohol abuse. Today he is celebrating 4 months clean and sober. Meanwhile I am not ok. Mentally I am a wreck. We have an appt on 1/7/21 to begin marriage counseling but I honestly dont know how I am gonna make it that far. I have 4 kids, all grown except my son who is 17 today. Its his birthday and he is in rehab. Tomorrow I will spend the day alone. My adult kids have other plans. I have been asked by our main campus to step down from ministry until my marriage is worked out. When I seek out any help within our congregation, all I get is the other person wanting to know how I can be so inspiring. These ladies actually look up to me.
My work in ministry has been a blessing to many. But I have emptied myself. I believe it got really bad on 12/6 when I was called to a house where one of the addicts I have been ministering to, an addict called me and asked me to come pray with the man. I have known him my entire life. The caller stated that he might be od and could I come. I told them to call 911 and then I went there. when I got there he was in the front yard and was not alive. I'm not sure if I'm suffering from PTSD. There is bi-polar in my family so I am beginning to think I maybe as well.
I sleep as much as possible. Sometimes I dont want to even get out of bed. I only get up because my body hurts from laying. My husband has been coming to visit some, when he's here it's not as bad but I snap so easy. It's all I can do to shower, brush my teeth and just live. I feel disconnected from God. I don't feel the urge to pray. I'm so empty and alone feeling. I just don't know what to do or who to turn to.

 

[Gregorikos]

Christie, I'm so glad you're here! The Lord is still with you, even though it may not seem like it. You didn't choose all that's been thrown on you.

I don't feel very equipped to help you. But I'd like to invite you to The Egalitarian Forum . I think you could post a post like this there. There are some wonderful women who are pastors there that I bet can be more helpful than I can.

Though I wil sure try! Think of Elijah when he was running from Jezebel. He was in pretty bad emotional shape too. Elijah! God saw him through it. I'm praying the same for you. I will help however I can.

 

[Theodoric]

A couple of things. First, from what you describe (the incident where you find a friend dead in the yard in front of his house), yes, you are certainly experiencing 'PTSD'. Was that traumatic stress? Yes. There's no shame in it. It would be strange if it didn't affect you in negative ways. And that on top of what all else you've described.

From all that you have written, I strongly believe you need to reach out to someone in the Christian faith community who is not associated with your ministry or congregation, and get sound biblical counseling. Soonest. Do not wait for January. Call a local church where you are not known and have no image to protect, and ask for a referral for counseling.

 

[Hermit76]

This is going to sound like I'm prosletyzing. I'm not. Almost 4 years ago I was suicidal, overran with guilt and anxiety. My relationships were deteriorating. I didn't know if I even could believe in God. I'm a former pastor and missionary who set out to find God. That went nowhere. Like you I had people who looked up to me. I had started a rehab ministry (that is thriving under my successor). I wasn't getting anywhere with my pastor or minister friends. And here I was sitting at a gas station with a packed bag and loaded gun. I was either leaving or dying. In a last ditch effort I threw up one of those "If you can hear me God" prayers that I didn't expect Him to hear.
It entered my mind to reach out to a Christian minister at random. In my search I had come across Eastern Orthodox but had never went through with visiting. I emailed 2-3 priests and one replied fairly quickly. I responded in an email, giving him my entire story. He offered to drive 1.5 hours to meet me (I could barely get my own pastor to listen). I decided to drive and meet him later that week. So, I went home. I met with this priest who was grandfatherly and very wise. He spent a couple hours with me and helped me more than any psychologist, counselor, or pastor ever had.
I'm not pitching you leave your church or anything. I just suggest that you try out this website and listen to some of the podcasts. There's a husband and wife priest/psychologist podcast called "Healthy Minds/Healthy Souls" that may be of some help. The priest who helped me is named Fr. Stephen Freeman. He also has a podcast on there.
Again, I'm not trying to prosletyze. They won't either. I just know what has helped me through a lot of complex issues.

I hope things get better soon.

Edit: here's the link
Welcome | Ancient Faith Ministries

 

[NerdGirl]

I'm so very sorry to hear about what you're going through. Your despondence and weariness are palpable through your words.

I would encourage you to try to find a counselor to talk to. I think you desperately need to unburden yourself from all the problems that you've been taking on from other people. It sounds like you've just been taking and taking and taking all this weight onto yourself, without giving yourself any rest or time or permission to unload it again, and allow your mind and heart and soul a reprieve.

It sounds like your husband has been working hard on his own issues. Now it's time to give you some help as well. People who are empaths and givers and nurturers, sometimes don't know when to say "I need a break. I need some time for myself. I have to stop giving for a little while. I need to look after myself."