Married and unwanted/passion a choice?

[Idealist]

Firstly my apologies to the moderators and staff, I'm new and just figuring out where things are supposed to be posted. Hopefully you can have patience with me

I value the women's input on this subject, and I believe this is the place where I can get that feedback without being in violation of the rules. Here are my responses to those who originally posted in my thread, and in addition a response to the issue of passion as a choice as outlined by dallasapple in a responsive thread in the women's section.

Originally Posted by singpeace

There is probably a major breakdown in communication. For whatever reason, she cannot tell you what is going on with her own secret thoughts for fear of being judged or laughed at or rejected. (I'm guessing)
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A good guess that's probably true for a lot of people. I've tried to prod this issue a number of times but I can't get any kind of clear answer on it. I know where you're going with this and I also sometimes wonder if she is just refusing to tell me the truth about it.

Originally Posted by iambren

This story has been heard many times and it seems typical where a woman feigns sexuality which for some "reason" gets lost after the wedding. It WILL erode your soul; cut your losses and leave before you invest any more of your life UNLESS she repents and fulfills her vows of love to you as per I Corinth 7:2-5. Good luck.
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Eroding my soul is a good way to describe what's happening. However, as destructive as it may be, I don't share your view that this is a criteria for divorce. This is partly why the situation exists.

You make a good point about children. I have often thought about what the consequences on kids would be.

Originally Posted by LoveToBless

Hmm, I don't see anywhere within these verses that Paul is advocating the advice given to you. Notice at the start of the verses, Paul was talking about the sexual immorality that was happening in the church. Where is the part this poster suggested about divorcing if your wife doesn't repent and fulfill these verses?

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That's the spiritual point of view I believe, I don't favor divorce under my circumstances.

Originally Posted by Conservativation

well ask any man or woman who has ever had an affair. Ask if lots of romance and non sexual touch and all that was required to initiate downright wall shaking passionate sex. NOPE.....just a quick call, "hey, Im free can we meet?" and 20 minutes later the earth moves.
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This is exactly right! You really hit the nail on the head. When you really want somebody, you don't need the dog and pony show, all you need is each other. It kills me to think about how she saw me through those eyes once....
I have heard the 'he's the microwave', 'she's the slow-cooker' speech too. It makes me frustrated to think about it. There is just nothing in my real life experience that validates this theory. No amount of slow cooking has any different effect, and again, life experience says if the woman likes you, no slow cooking required at those times.

Is this just a story unhappy people tell themselves to explain their unhappiness?

Originally Posted by Romanseight2005

But she's not defrauding him. He just wants more passion. How is that any different at all, then a person wanting more laughter, or more romance?
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You're quite right she is not withholding sex very often. I don't want to give the impression that she is. She is faithfully meeting that obligation. I know I'm lucky compared to some, because at least the physical part is there. The emotional part....not so much.

Originally Posted by waxliom10

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your wife, Idealist. I know that the times I've felt least "passionate" for my husband were usually when I was physically ill (I'm assuming this has been ruled out?) or when I've been upset or hurt by him. But, because we communicate frequently and pretty well, "dispassionate" sex is not a frequent occurrence for us at all.
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How did you manage this?

Originally Posted by ChildByGrace

I'm certainly glad that my dh did 'get out' of our marriage. I could be the woman that Idealist was talking about!!! I certainly didn't set out to defraud my dh but a similar thing happened with us. After working on it for several years we are closer than ever and sex is better than ever.
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This hope is what helps keep me going.

Originally Posted by Romanseight2005

Idealist, I do hope you can get the spark back. Have you just asked her about this?
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Many times. Various answers, none of which lead to a solution.

I appreciate all the thoughts. What makes it a tough call is that we get along well. We talk about things, we spend time together. But that doesn't bring back the woman that once desired me, who took off a few years ago. We have sex, but its not really sex, its just an action. It's like if I was 'having' conversion by literally stating words out of my mouth like 'yes' 'un-huh' 'tomatoes' 'Sunday' at regular intervals, faithfully every day or every other day. That is technically talking, but it's not really conversation is it? That's about the best analogy I can think of.

I've considered maybe asking if we can live in separate places for awhile. I'm thinking the distance and time away will generate more value for the time we do spend together. It might recapture some of what was lost? Has anybody tried this?

Its a feeling..its an emotion..I posted this in the wrong area based on some comments about how women need none of that warming up to feel passion and an affair is proof of it..And that passion can be a consious choice to feel..

Here are some of my thoughts..In regards to why a woman would meet with a lover on short notice and have passionate sex(FEEL passion)..Supposedly that was "evidence" that its false that women need things like romance and non physical touch to warm her up to sex.........


People in an affair have a lot more POSITIVE dynamics going on than sex.There isnt a bunch of junk and negative experiences with the person overshadowing the relataionship.You dont have to live with them..period.You aslo arent 'required" to have sex(and FEEL passion while you are at it) as often as they are in the mood either.As well as many having an affair are OBVIOUSLY unhappy to begin with..this NEW person is kind to them and brings on POSITIVE feelings..those feeling are "simmering" ..and yes there is a lot of romance in the sense that each encounter(including non physical meetings as in phone calls and other communications) I gaurantee you plenty of verbal affrimation/affection is indeed relayed..and those experiences are all there to daydream about when apart..So there is in fact a slow burn going on looking forward to MORE of great OVERALL feelings..TOSS in most people having an affair have the added "assist" of a NEW physical chemical attraction called INFATUATION>..Infatuations can last a few years max before they are gone..

O.K so you have ESCAPE from any negativity in your marriage..you have ALL posititive emotional and physical experience with the lover who on top of that you are separated from them in between the positive interactions allowing for build time to long to "see" them again and hear their voice and then you have the chemical attraction ..as well as not "required" to keep up with a sexual frequency that may be much higher than yours....their you have the slow burn until the next encounter.

Simplifying it as the woman is "cold" then a phone call for sex and she is on fire with passion on a dime is FALSE>..Its no more true than if a rank strange man called her and said "meet me on the corner for sex" that she would be..The guy(relationship) has something else(emotionally) for her besides sex that she is gettting.And MINUS any negatives..

And you cant "decide' to FEEL excitement..you can not decide to FEEL passion..you can DECIDE to FAKE it though that I will agree to..but dont mistake it for REAL passion.Which can NOT be a decision to FEEL..Passion is an intense EMOTION..one can not "choose" to feel it.

(this next comment is in response to the assertion that all the man is askign for is to "feel" that she "wants" him..(that is the passion her wanting and desiring him and it must somehow be evident duriing the act obviously or it wouldnt even need to be mentioned)and that is supposedly very simple).....


If in fact passion is simply a "choice " then I would ask why cant the man(or woman for that matter)...CHOOSE to not "feel" that they want to know she wants to?

If passion which is a feeling is simply a choice..then the desire to "feel" that she has passion is a choice as well and you can CHOOSE to NOT feel that way.

Dallas

Men try that everyday, with the usual result of a quick death to the relationship. Turns out women don't really want the emotional shut-down.

You make the point that excitement exists in affairs is because of lack of negative emotional baggage. I think this is true. However letting negative emotional baggage exist in your mind is once again, a choice. Everyone has the power to forgive and forget, or to hold on. The proof of this is when dating, while friends and family see the flaws, the women only sees the hero in the guy. She chooses to overlook. Often when men leave a marriage, the couple may realize the mistake and badly miss each other, and on reconciliation feel an intense connection because they choose to overlook. When a man goes to war, upon his return the women does not think about his flaws, she is totally focused on her happiness to be with him at all, even after a marriage of many years. None of those circumstances removes the flaws, but in all a powerful choice is made.

I would ask this question: If negative baggage is the problem, are you basically condemning every relationship to misery? By definition of being human and with sin, we will have negative baggage.

Or to take your theory further, if my wife and I live apart, will she want me if she only sees a limited portrait of me?