Married a Coddled Man - Am I Being Selfish?

[jesus_overcame_amen]

I am trying my hardest to be introspective and figure out how I can change my own attitude, behavior and mindset.

I am a newlywed who feels in some aspects deceived as my spouse downplayed A LOT during our dating phase for a year and a half.

He was a virgin (I was not) but he knew he didn't have much of a sex drive beforehand and he previously was addicted to porn and would touch in a weird position. He also had childhood OCD and eventually relationship OCD as an adult. His parents also coddled him immensely; to the point where they were always all up in his business, opening his mail, making his bed as an adult, not making him lift a finger in the house at all and they did not teach him about budgeting, amongst many other things.

Fast forward to the day of our wedding, I found out he couldn't maintain an erection and did not tell me he knew something was "off" down there and he always knew his sex drive was low and mine is very high. It took months of me begging him to get checked out by a doc for him to do it which annoyed me because I feel like his mom oftentimes, rather than his equal. Eventually we found out he had low testosterone and I had to bug him again to inquire about medication to solve this. I need sex and I don't feel bad about that. I also told him the activities I enjoyed which would be deal breakers in marriage and he agreed we were on the same page but then he is not into it while we're attempting to make love and it is a buzz kill. I told him he is not fulfilling his biblical responsibility and even if he has issues we're trying to work through physically, he still needs to make an effort to ensure I am fulfilled through other means. I am really trying here.

I've laid hands on him many a time, for both the mental issues and physical issues. I've fasted about it. We've sought counseling and asked a trusted elder in the church to pray for us. He told me he downplayed the OCD as well while we dated (although I went on a fast and God revealed he had some kind of mental condition, and that same night he revealed he MILDLY had it and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal). Sometimes because of a slight mental imbalance his mood changes on the fly and it's hard to work through disagreements sometimes because he cuts me off and goes tit for tat with everything because he doesn't like to take full accountability.

He is emotionally stunted and I am his first serious relationship. I've got a lot more experienced and left home young, so I learned to take care of myself early. He doesn't follow our budget (although he doesn't spend wildly, but sometimes he goes over budget) and it annoys me b/c I took the time to write an extremely detailed budget for the entire year, and have a "personal allowance" category so we can spend on whatever we'd like. Despite this effort he says he hates looking at numbers. He was used to living at home and his parents inherited their house so there was no rent so he didn't really have to budget before. I keep our account separate for now as I have goals to hit in terms of debt to pay off rapidly and I don't want to have to worry about him potentially going over budget and impeding those goals. I told him he needs to grow up and step up to the plate as a man because he is supposed to lead.

I'm having a hard time finding the value he adds to my life...and I feel somewhat selfish for thinking that, but is it wrong to be able to desire to see value in your mate? It's like I'm his mom or we're glorified roommates. I thought he was more spiritually mature than he was but he isn't and I feel like I'm carrying a lot of the weight spiritually. He isn't adding a lot of value financially (I make a lot more and he was in the red before I moved in), sexually, spiritually, etc. I feel bad because deep down I know he wants to make it work and that he values marriage but he doesn't know how. What should I be praying for him? How can I be a better wife? How can I be less selfish?

 

[Sabertooth]

There is a lot of things going on in your post and I am sorry that you are going through them. I have similar issues with my wife.

If you are interested, I can offer you a banking strategy that may help with that problem. Before I took the reins, we went bankrupt in 2004. Since then, I have brought my credit score up to the 750s.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Sounds like his T count is very low. There are some Medical Treatments but, although successful at times from what I've seen in a couple of friends it can be a rough ride, especially if someone truly has no real desire.

Make sure that he is no longer participating in porn. That is something that has destroyed many natural sex drives.

Viagra and the generic Viagra seem to be of much help for many. (must be seen by a doctor first.)

It appears that you knew you were marrying someone not mature in many areas? Did not heed to the warning signs?

Possibly a he-man type of Christian Mentor for your husband would be of some help. He needs to hang out with some real men and leave his mommy alone.

Prayers sent out for you two this morning at 7:24 a.m.
M-Bob

 

[tall73]

I am trying my hardest to be introspective and figure out how I can change my own attitude, behavior and mindset.

I am sorry things are starting out poorly in the early part of your marriage. It is helpful to get some information to better understand the situation.

I am a newlywed who feels in some aspects deceived as my spouse downplayed A LOT during our dating phase for a year and a half.

What do you like about him? Why did you marry him?

From your post it sounds like you have a spiritual life. You mentioned he does not seem as mature as you thought spiritually. What are you looking at to determine?

He was a virgin (I was not) but he knew he didn't have much of a sex drive beforehand and he previously was addicted to porn and would touch in a weird position.

a. At what point did this information come to light?
b. How long did he use porn? How long has he stopped (if he has).

He also had childhood OCD and eventually relationship OCD as an adult.

In what ways does this manifest or impact daily life?

Fast forward to the day of our wedding, I found out he couldn't maintain an erection and did not tell me he knew something was "off" down there and he always knew his sex drive was low and mine is very high.

From this and the information you have given about the same position for masturbation it sounds like he was masturbating while flaccid. If so then he has learned to associate arousal with a particular scenario completely unlike actual sex. If that was not the case though, that means he was able to get an erection, just not in the expectation of actual sex.

And of course porn too is not similar as it has constant novel partners and the seeking out of porn is part of the high, which is not the case in marriage.

If you are the one with the higher drive this may also be another disconnect as porn and masturbation happen on his timetable, and now that is changed.

Since this is new I would try to get as much info as possible.

Is he still using porn at all?
Is he still masturbating at all?
How frequently was he masturbating when he did this?

It took months of me begging him to get checked out by a doc for him to do it which annoyed me because I feel like his mom oftentimes, rather than his equal. Eventually we found out he had low testosterone and I had to bug him again to inquire about medication to solve this. I need sex and I don't feel bad about that.

You should not feel bad about needing sex. That is a natural drive and the Scriptures acknowledge it as well.

However, it may take a while in a new marriage to get that to work as well as you might hope, especially given his background.

Even for some without a history of ED there can be a lot of stress built up for initial performance in a new marriage. And if things went badly at first, that cascades mentally. If he already had issues due to his earlier masturbation and porn habits, which are more and more being associated with ED at young ages, this could have led to even more anxiety.

And of course you referenced the testosterone, which is related to lower drive.

Yes, him not telling you this is a problem. However, it may well be possible to get things working for both of you. The hopeful part of this is that you have identified one aspect (testosterone) to work on medically. Now the other aspects have to be built up.

How close are you emotionally apart from this issue? How close were you prior to marriage?

How is the testosterone treatment going?
Are there foods or habits that might be counteracting (things high in estrogen mimicers, etc.).

What kind of diet does he eat?
Does he exercise?

I told him he needs to grow up and step up to the plate as a man because he is supposed to lead.

How often do you take the lead in most other relationships, professional, social, etc.?

 

[tall73]

Here is some information regarding internet porn in particular as linked to ED.


Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports


However, from the other information there may be more at play. Did the doctor evaluate blood flow, or recommend any PC muscle exercises, etc.?

Did they inquire whether he has erections apart from sexual arousal?

 

[tall73]

I told him he is not fulfilling his biblical responsibility and even if he has issues we're trying to work through physically, he still needs to make an effort to ensure I am fulfilled through other means. I am really trying here.

...I told him he needs to grow up and step up to the plate as a man because he is supposed to lead.

I realize this is a frustrating situation that he downplayed important aspects. However, you need to work on this together. You mentioned you told him he needs to do x,y,z.

There are things we need to do. However, demanding is not likely to work. Perhaps it is just how you are phrasing it. When you say you told him to do things--that is probably a lot what his parents did as well. And apparently, he didn't do much there.

He needs to understand you are on his side in this. Talk it over, not in the context of immediate needs. That is a recipe for a fight. Try to talk about it at a time when both are clear no sex is expected. Try to find out in the times he did have some desire what led to that. Ask him if there were any events that he associates with his difficulties in this area.

As to more general issues, wanting him to step up, etc.,you may need to engage in some discussions to see how to divide things up.

Make a list, together if possible, of the household tasks that need to be done, cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. Sit down together and think of as many things as you can. Then go through each one together, and share ideas as to how best divide them up. He may not take initiative to do things on his own, as he is not accustomed to it. However, if he has to help in the process of spelling out how you both plan to get things done, then it often (but not always) become obvious to him without you telling him that he will need to do something, and not just have you do everything.

It is natural to think that he should just notice you are doing everything. If he is, he is not doing much about it. A discussion where you list the various chores, and actually discuss how to get them done may help when this is not happening more organically.

My wife and I have varied in this at different times in our marriage. We would occasionally sit down and re-hash it through, seeing what our greatest need was at the time, based on how life had changed.

 

[tall73]

I also told him the activities I enjoyed which would be deal breakers in marriage and he agreed we were on the same page but then he is not into it while we're attempting to make love and it is a buzz kill. I told him he is not fulfilling his biblical responsibility and even if he has issues we're trying to work through physically, he still needs to make an effort to ensure I am fulfilled through other means. I am really trying here.

Did you have pre-maritial counseling? Did you discuss sex during that counseling?

Does he understand basic female anatomy?

You indicated you were not a virgin. But keep in mind, if he hasn't had sex then the various activities you are discussing are not something he experienced other than seeing it, in a very skewed way, in porn.

He would have no idea what those activities would entail in the real world, or whether he would enjoy them. So to say he was on the same page is just not true. He had no page to be on. He had a thought about what might happen based on porn.

You on the other hand had already enjoyed these activities before, I would guess from your description so far, from someone who was interested in sex, and had some aptitude for it. So you are approaching this from a totally different angle. You know what feels good for you. You know what you liked before. He knew none of that. And you telling him how great it was before when someone did this may not actually be helpful. Depending on how you related what you enjoy, and really to a degree, regardless of how carefully you communicated it, the point is that he gathers someone else made you sexually happy. And he knows he is not. Yes, I imagine that is a struggle for him.

Now he knew you had sex before. You have not said if he had any issue with that. I assume he didn't. However, to treat your discussions before marriage as a near contract, with talk of deal breakers, etc. is unrealistic.

He had no way to know what these activities would be like. Even when couples may agree initially, over the years those tastes can change. And couples learn to deal with that. There may be something you would like done that your spouse doesn't want to do. There may be the reverse. But you work together to make each other happy within the scope of what you can both agree to.

While it certainly sounds like he may have expectations of sex that are quite out of the norm due to his prior habits of masturbation, porn, lack of experience, perhaps lack of interest, it also sounds like you have an expectation of what sex should be based on previous experience. But that experience was with a different person. Your spouse will not be that person. And you need to focus on sex with your spouse as a spiritual, emotional bonding with your spouse--not a list of preferred activities.

Undoubtedly sexual activities are fun. But sex is with a person, and involves their tastes and desires as well. And enforcing your list of activities is unlikely to work.

Now, it is reasonable that he could try to find some way to give you pleasure. And I would guess by activities that is what you are indicating.

Does he know much about doing that? There are Christian resources on the process of female [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] within marriage. Have you all looked at such things?

If you are just going on your experience keep in mind that is again putting him in the position where he knows nothing, is asked to perform and take responsibility, but may not have any clue how to do that.

If you have studied together, what is he saying about it now, months down the road, after these experiences?

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Male ((MAN)) mentor needed.

Chrstian

M-Bob

 

[tall73]

Male ((MAN)) mentor needed.

Chrstian

M-Bob

Agreed. And it sounds like some biblical counseling as well might be helpful.

 

[tall73]

He doesn't follow our budget (although he doesn't spend wildly, but sometimes he goes over budget) and it annoys me b/c I took the time to write an extremely detailed budget for the entire year, and have a "personal allowance" category so we can spend on whatever we'd like. Despite this effort he says he hates looking at numbers.

So he did not help create the budget? Does he know what is in it?

You asked about your attitude in your original post. Try thinking of it from his point of view. What would make someone who had everything done for him want to be with you in particular? Are you the kind of person who asks for help much? Or do you just do things right away?

In the time spent before marriage, what were the roles that you had in your time together?

 

[ValleyGal]

What's relationship OCD?

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

First, before I answer specific questions, I want to thank everyone for your input! You guys have open my mind and eyes to certain things.

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

Sure. I wouldn't mind gaining new insights.

There is a lot of things going on in your post and I am sorry that you are going through them. I have similar issues with my wife.

If you are interested, I can offer you a banking strategy that may help with that problem. Before I took the reins, we went bankrupt in 2004. Since then, I have brought my credit score up to the 750s.

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

He says he hasn't not watched it in a long time and now realizing the devastating impact it can have on lives. It also impacts one having a healthy perspective on making love and not objectifying women.

To be honest, some of the immaturity was present in terms of him being very inexperienced in a lot of things, but it didn't seem like a huge concern when we were dating. I once was an inexperienced person, and learned very quickly so I figured he would do the same. Some things weren't really revealed until actually living together.

The mentor idea is fantastic. I will work with him to see if we can get him under the wings of an older, mature, married Christian man to guide him. He and our pastor used to be very close when he was merely a youth leader, but of course with his promotion, marriage and now almost 10 kids, he just doesn't have the luxury of time anymore.

Sounds like his T count is very low. There are some Medical Treatments but, although successful at times from what I've seen in a couple of friends it can be a rough ride, especially if someone truly has no real desire.

Make sure that he is no longer participating in porn. That is something that has destroyed many natural sex drives.

Viagra and the generic Viagra seem to be of much help for many.

It appears that you knew you were marrying someone not mature in many areas? Did not heed to the warning signs?

Possibly a he-man type of Christian Mentor for your husband would be of some help. He needs to hang out with some real men and leave his mommy alone.

Prayers sent out for you two this morning at 7:24 a.m.
M-Bob

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

I am sorry things are starting out poorly in the early part of your marriage. It is helpful to get some information to better understand the situation.

What do you like about him? Why did you marry him?
I loved his compassionate, easy-going, simple nature. He often cries when he sees people suffering and has a heart of gold. He also generally has a willing heart, has a serious attitude about sticking out a marriage. He also has integrity and isn't the cheating type. I also thought he has a lot of potential, a lot in common, similar thoughts about raising children and we've been prophesied over to be a strong couple in the Lord in the future.

From your post it sounds like you have a spiritual life. You mentioned he does not seem as mature as you thought spiritually. What are you looking at to determine?

I am looking at his thoughts and responses to certain things. Culturally, he kinda grew up in a negative household and think he needs to increase his faith, instead of approaching everything with baseless skepticism. For instance, I told him multiple people at various parts of my life and God has directly told me I will be very prosperous in the future; strictly because he will build character in me to able to handle it and be a conduit of blessings to others to glorify His kingdom. He didn't believe it and had no reason to not believe it. It's not like I am a lazy person...or someone who isn't good with finances or who doesn't have a good head on her shoulders and talents. I brought this up when we did counseling with a church elder and the elder. Without me mentioning this first, the elder said, "I see an anointing of favor and prosperity over your life." I mumbled to him, "See, I've been telling you exactly what she just said!" Then I told her he didn't believe me when I told him exactly what she said and she told him he needs to work on his faith and surround himself with more grounded Christians and drop those old acquaintances that refuse to grow up in the faith.

a. At what point did this information come to light?
When we got married and had issues with consummation he started telling me all of this.
b. How long did he use porn? How long has he stopped (if he has).
A LONG time. From a young child, onwards. His dad also struggled with this.

In what ways does this manifest or impact daily life?
Well first of all he had to condition his mind to get used to another person being around during sex and not engaging in activities linked to his previous fetishes/types of porn he used to watch.

From this and the information you have given about the same position for masturbation it sounds like he was masturbating while flaccid. If so then he has learned to associate arousal with a particular scenario completely unlike actual sex. If that was not the case though, that means he was able to get an erection, just not in the expectation of actual sex.
Yes, I think this is it. He used to watch it and touch in a "prone" position lying down, do the penis was accustomed to getting off in that specific position and he may have had some damage to nerves in the penis from this.

And of course porn too is not similar as it has constant novel partners and the seeking out of porn is part of the high, which is not the case in marriage.

If you are the one with the higher drive this may also be another disconnect as porn and masturbation happen on his timetable, and now that is changed.

Since this is new I would try to get as much info as possible.

Is he still using porn at all?

He said he isn't, especially now seeing the damage it's cause to our marriage.

Is he still masturbating at all? From time to time but he says only thinking of me. I encouraged to do so in front of me sometimes, using his hand while I interact with him to get his private private used to that specific motion as it emulates that of the intercourse. Initially it could not happen at all then eventually he was able to and that helped us being able to have sex through penetration, albeit infrequently. He got on some meds for blood flow and then we were on a roll, and then something happened mentally where he lost some of his confidence then it was almost like we were back to square one but now here and there we have a successful experience.

How frequently was he masturbating when he did this? I never asked so I am not sure, but it seems like it was too often.

However, it may take a while in a new marriage to get that to work as well as you might hope, especially given his background.

Please pray for my patience. It's kind of interesting that when I was in the world I never experienced this issue, then I finally do the right thing and wait and this happened. I know all things work for my good because I love God and are called according to His purpose, so I am trying not to get discouraged though sometimes I cry about this because it is painful.

Even for some without a history of ED there can be a lot of stress built up for initial performance in a new marriage. And if things went badly at first, that cascades mentally. If he already had issues due to his earlier masturbation and porn habits, which are more and more being associated with ED at young ages, this could have led to even more anxiety.

And of course you referenced the testosterone, which is related to lower drive.

Yes, him not telling you this is a problem. However, it may well be possible to get things working for both of you. The hopeful part of this is that you have identified one aspect (testosterone) to work on medically. Now the other aspects have to be built up.

How close are you emotionally apart from this issue? How close were you prior to marriage?

I think we are somewhat close but I won't lie, it is hard not to feel like mere roommates when we are not making love regularly. I need that for a deeper bond, especially in these budding stages. We also admitted we need to study the bible and pray more TOGETHER as opposed to just nurturing our relationship with God solo and just leaving worshipping together and studying the word together for church.

How is the testosterone treatment going?
Are there foods or habits that might be counteracting (things high in estrogen mimicers, etc.).

He doctor is the worst. We've been trying to get ahold of him for MONTHS and he won't speak to him over the phone because of course he wants him to come in so he can make money from a visit. He's been going to that doc for decades but he needs a change. Not only does this impact our love life but it causes mood swings, depression, lack of energy, etc. I am appalled his doctor is so wonton about it. He prescribed the wrong medication initially and told him he'd write him a prescription for something else months ago, but still to no avail!

What kind of diet does he eat?
Does he exercise?
Yes his occupation requires him to be active so he exercises daily, but it wouldn't hurt for us to work out more. He eats what I cook (I do the cooking) and usually it's pretty healthy and balanced.


How often do you take the lead in most other relationships, professional, social, etc.?
I have a quiet disposition in general, but in whatever I'm entrusted to lead, I lead. Or if it feels like I need to lead to push something important forward then I will.

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

Here is some information regarding internet porn in particular as linked to ED.


Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports


However, from the other information there may be more at play. Did the doctor evaluate blood flow, or recommend any PC muscle exercises, etc.?

Did they inquire whether he has erections apart from sexual arousal?

These are really good questions, but I am not sure. The doctor prescribed the wrong medication at first so he said he'd prescribe another and we've been chasing him down for months and we cannot get ahold of him. We found out about the testosterone after the poor blood flow diagnoses and he gave him meds for the blood flow issue (but of course that's not the root).

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

So he did not help create the budget? Does he know what is in it?

You asked about your attitude in your original post. Try thinking of it from his point of view. What would make someone who had everything done for him want to be with you in particular? Are you the kind of person who asks for help much? Or do you just do things right away?

In the time spent before marriage, what were the roles that you had in your time together?

He didn't because he said he is not good at that kind of stuff, and I've been budgeting for years. As I was created it, I told him how much I was thinking to allocate for each category and I asked if the numbers sounded ok and took it from there. He says looking at Excel spreadsheets give him headaches and it's linked to OCD.

I don't really ask for help usually and I am praying about it. I am very independent by nature...in part because I had to be (parents couldn't help me out) and it just usually doesn't dawn on me to ask for help for certain things. With like chores, etc., of course I want help and express that.

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

Did you have pre-maritial counseling? Did you discuss sex during that counseling?
Yes and yes.

Does he understand basic female anatomy?
It doesn't appear so. I've never been with a virgin before him, so to be honest, never dawned on me to think about it or ask.

He would have no idea what those activities would entail in the real world, or whether he would enjoy them. So to say he was on the same page is just not true. He had no page to be on. He had a thought about what might happen based on porn.
That's fair.

You on the other hand had already enjoyed these activities before, I would guess from your description so far, from someone who was interested in sex, and had some aptitude for it. So you are approaching this from a totally different angle. You know what feels good for you. You know what you liked before. He knew none of that. And you telling him how great it was before when someone did this may not actually be helpful. Depending on how you related what you enjoy, and really to a degree, regardless of how carefully you communicated it, the point is that he gathers someone else made you sexually happy. And he knows he is not. Yes, I imagine that is a struggle for him.

You gave me A LOT to think about, pray about, and be cognizant of here. THANK YOU!!

Now he knew you had sex before. You have not said if he had any issue with that. I assume he didn't. However, to treat your discussions before marriage as a near contract, with talk of deal breakers, etc. is unrealistic.

Understood but I, like 70% of women cannot climax through penetration, so that alone would mean me not being able to enjoy what he can as a man which isn't fair and wouldn't make it enjoyable for me. I've been praying for God to change that.

He had no way to know what these activities would be like. Even when couples may agree initially, over the years those tastes can change.

Makes sense.

While it certainly sounds like he may have expectations of sex that are quite out of the norm due to his prior habits of masturbation, porn, lack of experience, perhaps lack of interest, it also sounds like you have an expectation of what sex should be based on previous experience. But that experience was with a different person. Your spouse will not be that person. And you need to focus on sex with your spouse as a spiritual, emotional bonding with your spouse--not a list of preferred activities.

Undoubtedly sexual activities are fun. But sex is with a person, and involves their tastes and desires as well. And enforcing your list of activities is unlikely to work.

Now, it is reasonable that he could try to find some way to give you pleasure. And I would guess by activities that is what you are indicating.

Does he know much about doing that? There are Christian resources on the process of female [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] within marriage. Have you all looked at such things?
I don't really think so. I didn't know there were Christian resources for this. I only thought secular info existed and of course we wouldn't go there, but I will look into this.

If you are just going on your experience keep in mind that is again putting him in the position where he knows nothing, is asked to perform and take responsibility, but may not have any clue how to do that.

If you have studied together, what is he saying about it now, months down the road, after these experiences?
I told him that even when two experienced people get together, what each person enjoys will vary so they still have to take the time to study the body of their partner and I want us to do that. Maybe I just need to understand how to properly guide him because it's very difficult teaching him and I have never been with someone unexperienced. I will focus more on understanding how he learns, and pray for patience and understanding and wisdom.

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

What's relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD, also known as Relationship Substantiation or ROCD, is a subset of OCD in which sufferers are consumed with doubts about their relationship. They question their love for their partner, their attraction to their partner, their compatibility with their partner, and their partner's love for them.

 

[Sabertooth]

Sure. I wouldn't mind gaining new insights.

I will send you a PM so it won't divert from your marriage/sexual topics.