Married a Coddled Man - Am I Being Selfish?

[tall73]

Thank you for going over that. These are some initial thoughts, but you have given a lot of information I will look over and try to follow up on.

I realize that this is a big issue, and a big disappointment this early in your marriage. One of the things to pray about is to not change your attitudes about why you love your husband. Those are good traits to have that he has exhibited.

Efforts to improve closeness and your spiritual life should take precedence because this will help him overcome any doubts he may have about the relationship, but also because ultimately sex is about closeness.

We tend to look at the following characteristics as being particular to one gender or another, but it is not necessarily the case. Some people want to have sex if they feel really close to that person.

Others feel really close to the person especially when they are having sex. Those are quite different. And it sounds like you might be in the latter camp. You are struggling with closeness because you feel that more when you are having regular sex. It reinforces those bonds.

However, if he is more wired the other way, then you have to be really careful not to react too negatively to the lack of sex and back off emotionally. This will likely lead to much more of the same.

Also, you mentioned how when you were in the world you didn't have this issue, and now when you are trying to do right you are.

I understand the sentiment. But his is crucial. If you want to be close to God, even more than your spouse, it cannot be on the basis of what you get. That is not to say God does not bless people, He certainly does. And as you said, you have indications that God wants to bless you even financially.

However, we cannot look at service to God as then leading to all good circumstances. I doubt that you generally do, but just reviewing this point. All of those in the Scriptures who were faithful to God experienced persecutions, chastisement at times, growth in faith, and even when they were blessed it did not mean they had a lack of difficulties.

The larger issue is to guard against making too hasty of judgments about the future you have together.

It sounds like a lot of this is simply lack of knowledge on his part. He doesn't know anything about women except porn. He doesn't even really know much about himself if he was using the position you described, because it is not similar to sex. And if he has OCD, and if he used a particular position, and particular fetishes, he is going to have to work through what real sex is. If he did it for years that is a lot of un-learning.

But if the information comes only from you I think it will reinforce a common pattern. You are the expert, he is deficient. If you looked at a resource together that addresses some of this then you can both discuss them together and respond to the material without one having to be an expert.

One such resource is the following book.
https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian-ebook/dp/B0080K3LQM

Now there is always a danger in recommending a Christian book on sex. Some people would find too liberal, some too conservative, etc. Some of the material in this book I frankly find too conservative. But it is a jumping off point that is written by a medical doctor who details female and male anatomy and walks through the physical and mental aspects of arousal and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

As such it might be really helpful for him to re-wire some of his thinking, understand what is happening, etc.

Be forwarned, if I recall correctly, he takes a fairly negative view of oral sex, but doesn't forbid it. He does however discuss the need for the majority of women to have stimulation beyond intercourse, etc.

It also addresses information on ED, and other related issues that can cause some roadblocks in your relations.

His wife also contributes to some sections. One other warning about the book. One of the chapters is by his wife encouraging women to have sex with their husband when he requests it, even if the woman does not initially want to.

While this may sound tempting to get into as it would support the notion of helping you in this area, I would be careful with that right away.

We have found that if either of us is not super excited about it we can still get in the mood. But that is largely the case when the relationship and sex are already working normally. This is difficult, but for now when he is learning about arousal and technique, etc. I would make sure that he is actually into the idea during any attempts. The better memories he makes now the more confidence he will have later, and the more he will relate sex to positive thoughts, not negative.

Ultimately you want your husband to want you. So don't push him when he doesn't.

 

[tall73]

Second, I would really consider going to a new doctor. There are clinics that specialize in such issues, and if you are saying there is a blood flow issue that could ultimately be a sign of even larger health issues. If it is from tissue damage that may involve scar tissue and additional hurdles beyond the norm.

As you mentioned hormone therapy also impacts a lot of areas of life. If this doctor is not willing to work with you then you need one who is.

It is good he is getting physical activity. I know it is a bit of a stereotype but if he is eating high quantities of soy or other estrogen mimickers I would also ask the doctor about such things.

 

[tall73]

He didn't because he said he is not good at that kind of stuff, and I've been budgeting for years. As I was created it, I told him how much I was thinking to allocate for each category and I asked if the numbers sounded ok and took it from there. He says looking at Excel spreadsheets give him headaches and it's linked to OCD.

I don't really ask for help usually and I am praying about it. I am very independent by nature...in part because I had to be (parents couldn't help me out) and it just usually doesn't dawn on me to ask for help for certain things. With like chores, etc., of course I want help and express that.

As much as possible try not to be so independent that you close him out of helping. Especially if you ever find yourself taking over from him when he helps with things because he is not doing it to your satisfaction.

The money is certainly important, and is a marital stress point, especially given you mentioned debt. But right now I would say in the priorities list spiritual, emotional growth has to come first, and his health and your sex life next.

Then if the relationship is going well overall it may help with other interactions including money.

 

[tall73]

Understood but I, like 70% of women cannot climax through penetration, so that alone would mean me not being able to enjoy what he can as a man which isn't fair and wouldn't make it enjoyable for me. I've been praying for God to change that.

Yes, it is an important statistic that many are unaware of. If he doesn't understand anatomy and what is involved he would have little way of understanding how to help you.

Also, there are some positions that may be better for this and also that might allow easier help. We can't get into the details here due to the forum rules, but a resource like the one I mentioned goes into some of that.

It is certainly fair to expect both of you would have pleasure from sex. But if he has no clue how to give that you are trying to get blood from the proverbial turnip, to use an old phrase.

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

Yea, through meeting him I've felt convicted about my overly-independent spirit. I was single for a long time and my parents were never in the position to help me, plus I kinda was used to "doing my own thing" in many ways which had some good for sure especially for achieving big goals, but obviously when becoming one that is problematic if it's in excess. God has been helping me to realize it's ok to need/collaborate with people and that no man, not even Jesus was an island as he had disciples to assist him.

Yea, like most Americans I have student loans but by using Dave Ramsey's snowball method I'm almost debt free; glory be to God! That's in part why I am a stickler for budgets because I've very rapidly paid off major debt through God-opened doors, self-discipline and living below my means. I also come from a family with a bit more humble means so I've always had to work hard for what I wanted and budget carefully (but from time to time I responsibly enjoyed the fruits of my labor as I can't take it with me when I'm gone).

We're never late on bills and he doesn't come up short with his portion ever; it's just that we paid for our wedding ourselves and he bought an apartment right before he met me so I'd like him to be able to replenish those depleted funds quickly and not "wing it" or throw arrows in the dark for our budget. I believe God wants us to be intentional and good stewards of our time, talents and money. He didn't even know he was in the red (prior to us getting married and moving in) until I balanced the books and showed him. I encouraged him to get a job in our city so he would save hundreds a month and that helped him break even. I respected the fact he heeded my advice. Generally speaking, being over $150-300 a month means thousands a year and more often than not it's on unnecessary things. It definitely won't put us into poverty, but it's the mindset that I'd like to see change so we can be on the same page with our finances. Eventually we want to start up a business or two, so we need to have that disciplined mindset...also when kids come into play, we have to save for their college, pay for daycare, etc.

As much as possible try not to be so independent that you close him out of helping. Especially if you ever find yourself taking over from him when he helps with things because he is not doing it to your satisfaction.

The money is certainly important, and is a marital stress point, especially given you mentioned debt. But right now I would say in the priorities list spiritual, emotional growth has to come first, and his health and your sex life next.

Then if the relationship is going well overall it may help with other interactions including money.

 

[tall73]

Yea, through meeting him I've felt convicted about my overly-independent spirit. I was single for a long time and my parents were never in the position to help me, plus I kinda was used to "doing my own thing" in many ways which had some good for sure especially for achieving big goals, but obviously when becoming one that is problematic if it's in excess. God has been helping me to realize it's ok to need/collaborate with people and that no man, not even Jesus was an island as he had disciples to assist him.

Yea, like most Americans I have student loans but by using Dave Ramsey's snowball method I'm almost debt free; glory be to God! That's in part why I am a stickler for budgets because I've very rapidly paid off major debt through God-opened doors, self-discipline and living below my means. I also come from a family with a bit more humble means so I've always had to work hard for what I wanted and budget carefully (but from time to time I responsibly enjoyed the fruits of my labor as I can't take it with me when I'm gone).

We're never late on bills and he doesn't come up short with his portion ever; it's just that we paid for our wedding ourselves and he bought an apartment right before he met me so I'd like him to be able to replenish those depleted funds quickly and not "wing it" or throw arrows in the dark for our budget. I believe God wants us to be intentional and good stewards of our time, talents and money. He didn't even know he was in the red (prior to us getting married and moving in) until I balanced the books and showed him. I encouraged him to get a job in our city so he would save hundreds a month and that helped him break even. I respected the fact he heeded my advice. Generally speaking, being over $150-300 a month means thousands a year and more often than not it's on unnecessary things. It definitely won't put us into poverty, but it's the mindset that I'd like to see change so we can be on the same page with our finances. Eventually we want to start up a business or two, so we need to have that disciplined mindset...also when kids come into play, we have to save for their college, pay for daycare, etc.

Life free from debt is certainly better. It took us a while to pay off school loans as well, and was a big relief to finish it. You do have to be diligent about it, and plan. And it sounds like you are doing well. A lot of folks have benefited from Ramsey's program in particular. We just sort of figured things out the old fashioned way--they don't get paid if you don't pay them!

And of course, the Scriptures say to leave no debt outstanding except to love one another.

Changing the mindset has to involve buy in on his part. Now this next part is speculative. It may be totally inaccurate, so you, being in the situation, can take it for what its worth in your setting.

It is possible that he is not lacking faith in what you have heard from the Lord and others, but that he is concerned that money could become too big of a focus for your life together. A successful person who is focused on using resources for the Lord is a great thing. However, the focus must be on the Lord, not the resources.

And as Paul stated, he knew what it was to have plenty, and he knew what it was to be in want. Ultimately we don't depend on the Lord giving us money, we depend on the Lord--whether the money is there or not.

That is by no means an excuse to waste money or spend more than you have. But my point is that your husband may react differently to money than you. It may be less that he doubts whether you can make money, but perhaps doubts that making money the focus of much of your life is going to be beneficial.

If the Lord plans a future for you that involves wealth, then you can trust that and still realize your current point in life is to be faithful with whatever you have. As the Scriptures say Godliness with contentment is great gain. So while it is good to want to get out of debt, and it sounds like you are getting out, I would recommend doing what you can now to be faithful, but not focusing so much on the goal of wealth.

Take this for what it is worth. I am not trying to be harsh with you here. But your focus on money, and to live with all things being blessed by God, comes through very clearly in your posts.

That may scare your husband as well. Do you think he doesn't know your assessment of him? Do you think he doesn't know that you are asking the question of what value he provides in your life?

It is fair to expect your spouse to provide value in your life. But if he already struggles with confidence and trust in the relationship, then the concept that he must be a key part of constructing this perfectly blessed life may be too much for him right now.

Focus more on serving Christ and he will learn to trust Christ wherever He leads over time.

 

[tall73]

Also, you mentioned things were going a bit better for a while then changed. Can you identify anything of what was going on at the time that could explain the change, or factors that could have contributed?

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

We fasted and pray for healing and restoration in his body and I believe he got his confidence back so we tried one night, it was successful then we experience a series of consecutive successes. As soon as the doctor called him back and told him the lab tests showed low testosterone, I don't know if it's because of the lingering OCD thought patterns, he just kept mentioning that for everything (even outside of making love) and he just defaulted to that and it's like his confidence was shot. He then admitted some of the times he was confident his mind was thinking about porn/fetishes from years ago (he said the way his mind works, even though he doesn't watch it anymore, the thoughts still linger). I told him it would probably be good to write down scriptures about "thoughts" and confess them daily and when those thoughts come in his mind. Not really sure if he's heeded that.

Also, you mentioned things were going a bit better for a while then changed. Can you identify anything of what was going on at the time that could explain the change, or factors that could have contributed?

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

You have some solid points. I actually work in finance, love numbers and part of my job has entailed budget managing millions of dollars, so maybe that's part of why it may come across that way? I was born in poverty but my parents worked multiple jobs to move us into a middle class neighborhood to get a good education. A part of me wants to live out that American dream to repay my parents for their sacrifices. I also don't want my kids to struggle the way I/my parents did. I don't know if maybe being an immigrant also shapes my perspective but I wholeheartedly agree; I have learned to be content which is part of why I've lived way below my means for years now and prioritize being debt free.

It not just pertaining to this specific prophecy he has shown lack of faith; even today he was telling me he needs more faith. This means I have to consistently keep this as a prayer point for him, and encourage him. His culture (different than mine) is just very skeptical by nature, as he explained. I do think it is important to remember the great commission to put that above all else; after all, many of the disciples and early followers sold all of their possessions and gave to the poor, widows, orphans, etc.

I honestly am not sure if he discerns/sees how I feel about him adding value. Now that I think about it, he has added a lot of value in terms of me seeing things in myself that I need to change and there are aspects of his personality I aspire to, like his boldness when it comes to witnessing in street ministry and the level of compassion he has for those who are helpless, prisoners, disabled, etc. I guess now I realize I need to look more at what's in front of me, focus on what he DOES have and keep praying for him and appreciating the unique things about him that balances us and is a reflection of Christ's love toward us. I definitely also need to do some soul searching soon and ask the Lord to search me and show me the things I need to change. We're both fairly young so I know we both have maturing to do, in different ways.

Life free from debt is certainly better. It took us a while to pay off school loans as well, and was a big relief to finish it. You do have to be diligent about it, and plan. And it sounds like you are doing well. A lot of folks have benefited from Ramsey's program in particular. We just sort of figured things out the old fashioned way--they don't get paid if you don't pay them!

And of course, the Scriptures say to leave no debt outstanding except to love one another.

Changing the mindset has to involve buy in on his part. Now this next part is speculative. It may be totally inaccurate, so you, being in the situation, can take it for what its worth in your setting.

It is possible that he is not lacking faith in what you have heard from the Lord and others, but that he is concerned that money could become too big of a focus for your life together. A successful person who is focused on using resources for the Lord is a great thing. However, the focus must be on the Lord, not the resources.

And as Paul stated, he knew what it was to have plenty, and he knew what it was to be in want. Ultimately we don't depend on the Lord giving us money, we depend on the Lord--whether the money is there or not.

That is by no means an excuse to waste money or spend more than you have. But my point is that your husband may react differently to money than you. It may be less that he doubts whether you can make money, but perhaps doubts that making money the focus of much of your life is going to be beneficial.

If the Lord plans a future for you that involves wealth, then you can trust that and still realize your current point in life is to be faithful with whatever you have. As the Scriptures say Godliness with contentment is great gain. So while it is good to want to get out of debt, and it sounds like you are getting out, I would recommend doing what you can now to be faithful, but not focusing so much on the goal of wealth.

Take this for what it is worth. I am not trying to be harsh with you here. But your focus on money, and to live with all things being blessed by God, comes through very clearly in your posts.

That may scare your husband as well. Do you think he doesn't know your assessment of him? Do you think he doesn't know that you are asking the question of what value he provides in your life?

It is fair to expect your spouse to provide value in your life. But if he already struggles with confidence and trust in the relationship, then the concept that he must be a key part of constructing this perfectly blessed life may be too much for him right now.

Focus more on serving Christ and he will learn to trust Christ wherever He leads over time.

 

[tall73]

Now that I think about it, he has added a lot of value in terms of me seeing things in myself that I need to change and there are aspects of his personality I aspire to, like his boldness when it comes to witnessing in street ministry and the level of compassion he has for those who are helpless, prisoners, disabled, etc. I guess now I realize I need to look more at what's in front of me, focus on what he DOES have and keep praying for him and appreciating the unique things about him that balances us and is a reflection of Christ's love toward us.

Yes, it is important that you do not allow this one area of frustration to re-wire your thinking as to your love for Him. He has value, and you want to avoid questioning that.

It sounds as though the testosterone diagnoses provided a bit of an excuse for him, rather than changing anything in particular. That may also play into why he didn't want to follow up with the doctor, because that would remove the excuse.

It is not uncommon for someone to replay things in their head if they have been exposed to porn. Praying and mindfulness of Scripture does help. He is also going to need to learn new patterns that are consistent with the Scriptures and that are directed towards you.

By the way, if you are not able to obtain a book on the subject, some of the information can be found at websites as well. You could print off the articles and go over them one at a time.

The Marriage Bed

Female Anatomy

Female Arousal

There are articles that go over female anatomy and stages of arousal. There is also a message board that covers many sexual topics, including sections on sexual dysfunction. They may have valuable insights into the issue.

The Most Important Sexual Statistic

The above is a good summary of the issue of intercourse alone not being enough stimulation for 75 percent of women.

 

[tall73]

An article on ED

Erectile Difficulty

 

[jesus_overcame_amen]

Thank you so much! You've been extremely helpful! God bless you!

Yes, it is important that you do not allow this one area of frustration to re-wire your thinking as to your love for Him. He has value, and you want to avoid questioning that.

It sounds as though the testosterone diagnoses provided a bit of an excuse for him, rather than changing anything in particular. That may also play into why he didn't want to follow up with the doctor, because that would remove the excuse.

It is not uncommon for someone to replay things in their head if they have been exposed to porn. Praying and mindfulness of Scripture does help. He is also going to need to learn new patterns that are consistent with the Scriptures and that are directed towards you.

By the way, if you are not able to obtain a book on the subject, some of the information can be found at websites as well. You could print off the articles and go over them one at a time.

The Marriage Bed

Female Anatomy

Female Arousal

There are articles that go over female anatomy and stages of arousal. There is also a message board that covers many sexual topics, including sections on sexual dysfunction. They may have valuable insights into the issue.

The Most Important Sexual Statistic

The above is a good summary of the issue of intercourse alone not being enough stimulation for 75 percent of women.

 

[tall73]

Thank you so much! You've been extremely helpful! God bless you!

You are welcome. If you decide to use the resources as a conversation point, let us know how it goes and if he has any further breakthroughs or concerns after them.

 

[Dave-W]

Thank you so much! You've been extremely helpful! God bless you!

I would like to agree with Tall on the MarriageBed website. The Byerlys (website owners) are very good; and the posters in their forums are very helpful, but can be a bit over the top at times.

 

[Dave-W]

Possibly a he-man type of Christian Mentor for your husband would be of some help. He needs to hang out with some real men and leave his mommy alone.

I seriously agree with this. He needs a good male mentor to train him in being a man of God.