Marriage problem please help

[stonehands]

I'm 23 my wife is 22, we've been together for 3 years and have been married for a year and 8 months...we have a beautiful 11 mo. old son....Close to the beginning of our relationship I asked her how many men she had slept with....she had shared with me before that she had been raped by a boyfriend before and molested by a guy that owned a store she used to work at when she was younger....so she told me that there was only one other guy she had slept with and it was the guy she was with before me and that had been together for over a year.....after all this time we've been together.....we went and saw passion of the christ on thursday last week and on Friday she tells me she had lied to me about something....I was thinking something small and insignificant....then she said I would probably leave her if she told me and I said I wouldn't and I began to prepare myself for whatever she was gonna say......she then tells me to promise not to ask any questions so I promised.....she then told me she lied about how many guys she had been with.....I told her that wasn't fair that I had to ask some questions......I said how many and she said 3 guys I didn't know about....and I said who were they.....she said 1 was a black guy at her Dad's house when she was 13 and she didn't even want to do....we're both white by the way.......then I said and the other 2? she said one was a guy named mike that I didn't know....and I said the other?.....and she said a guy named brad or brian I was in shock about the situation so I don't remember......she said it was when she was younger and used to drink a lot and smoke marijuana......she was crying the whole time and I told her that it didn't change anything that we have went through together or anything that we had....I could tell she was hurting and I just wanted to comfort her.....she kept asking if I thought she was a **** or If I thought she was dirty and I said no......I told her I understood why she had lied about it and she asked me if I would have stayed with her if she told me originally and I said I would have.....the rest of the day Friday I thought about it sooo much it was driving me crazy.......I felt different around her and when she touched me or kissed me I felt different......I didn't know who to talk to about how I was feeling and I didn't want to bring it up to her because I knew it would hurt her....I couldn't talk to my Dad or Best friend because it was about her personal business and would be inappropriate to discuss it with them....so that night I told her that it made me feel strange and stuff and she really withdrew from me and wouldn't touch me or kiss me.....I told her that it had shocked me and that I felt different and I didn't know why....she was crying and I felt horrible about how I felt.....I was a little mad and felt betrayed and deceived into staying with her.....I told her I probably wouldn't have stayed with her and that I had been conflicted about it all day because I would have missed everything we had together.......I told her I just needed to talk it out and that I was feeling better and I held her and she just lay there and didn't want me to touch her and she was withdrawn from me almost all day Saturday........things were better between us the latter part of saturday and all of sunday but it is still driving me crazy......my mind keeps going through scenerios on why she did things and the circumstances behind it all.....I just think it would put my mind at ease if I knew some more details and my mind would know the details and not keep thinking up different things.....but then again I'm afraid if I do know what all happened I'll then know things and obsess over what did happen and it will make things too real for me.....I keep trying to tell myself that there weren't the 3 other guys and nothing has changed.......she said sunday that she felt so much better and that she finally got that lie off her chest....I don't want to bring it up to her again because it will hurt her.... I just wish I could make it go away....I've prayed and prayed for it to stay out of my mind but it is right there in the front thinking always about it......I can't sleep and my wife really noticed that because I've been awake before her every morning and she falls asleep before me every nite since then and she asked me why.....I just said I don't know....my stomach has been burning like crazy and I've eaten a bottle of tums and drank a bottle of pepto bismol and she told me to go to the doctor...she thinks I have acid reflux......I just want it to go away ...... and I wish she had never told me....I was fine without knowing all of this....anybody that has been in a similiar situation and can help me deal with this......I need help
I posted this in the men's forum but would like a woman's point of view also please

 

[DaveKerwin]

Forget it happened and love her unconditionally, more than ever. That is what you should do.

 

[sparkleblossom]

Here is what I would do, she is your wife, the mother of your beautiful son and you love her; so make your feelings of disappointment known. But at then remind her that you love her no matter what even more so and that you realize that this was difficult for her to come clean about. She loves you very much; I know that because she wouldn’t have told you unless she did. Also, I know it will be hard and I know you are disappointed, I would be too; but try not to push her away while you recover from this, you do not want her to ever think that coming to you with the truth is the wrong thing to do, no matter what it is.

Bless you both,
Tiffany

 

[katelyn]

I think it's okay that you are feeling kind of shocked by this and need some time to think about it...however, be very careful about what you say to your wife during this time. Telling her things like you aren't sure you would have stayed with her will only make the situation worse, especially since (hopefully) in the long run you will not really mean those things.

I can understand that you would be hurt that she lied to you, but try to think about why she lied. It wasn't to hurt or deceive you. She was ashamed of her past and was afraid that you would reject her because of it. She wanted to be a new person for you and hide the old mistakes.

It would have been better for her to tell you the truth from the beginning, but try to remember that although these details have just come out, it is a part of her past, not a part of your present or future. Even though for a while these hurts will feel new, they aren't and will need to be put behind you. You were able to put the parts of her sexual past that she did reveal behind you...now it's time to put these things behind you as well.

Remember that she seems very remorseful about her past. That fact should remind you that it doesn't change who she is now. It's not some recurrent behavior she was just wanted to hide to keep from getting caught. It's a part of her past (part of who she used to be) that she regrets and wants to move on from. It's up to you whether you will give her that chance.

 

[karla]

You have every right to hurt, upset, angry etc. You need to give yourself some time to sort through those emotions. You married her because you love her, not because of what she did or did not do in her past. She was honest with you and cam clean about her past and that has to count for something. She loves you enough to let you in on that part of her past. Sure she didn't tell you up front, but it was something that she was ashamed of. We all have things in our past that we wish no one would ever find out. You need to forgive her and move on. Focus on the future that the two of you share and on the family that you have created. If it helps, maybe the two of you want to talk to your priest or pastor so that you can work through this.

 

[stonehands]

Thank you ladies for your replies....it helps to hear opinions from a female point of view... She seems like a happier more loving person now that she has admitted to her lie....and I don't hold it against her that she lied because I know why she did....originally when I asked her I was looking to see if I was going to marry her because my feelings for her was so strong and we had dated for 3 months and everything with her was so perfect that I just knew that she was going to be the one that I would spend the rest of my life with...and I think she felt the same way because she didn't tell me about the other guys out of fear that I might leave her over it... She regretted that it had happened and was ashamed... I wanted to know if I was just going to be another guy that she was with like I know some women that look at being with guys as trophies or whatever and I didn't want to be with someone that was like that... we had discussed our spiritual history and she used to attend a church with a friend in High School that I went to as a kid... and now we go to that church together... she had been saved but her flame sort of died out after a while....since we've been together she rededicated herself to the Lord and we have been trying to live the life God has planned for us.... I guess she felt convicted about this issue since we've been together and is happier now that she has it off of her chest. It is now my problem to deal with and I am getting great counself here from the other guys on this forum and am thankful that it is here... I'm still dealing with it and I know that time heals all wounds and hopefull soon my mind will be at peace with it and I will learn to be ok with it and keep it from interfering with our relationship so thank you and if anybody else has any advice I am more than willing to take your opinions and advice and help to work on myself.... just because I'm weak and the other guys say to let it go and not bother her with it any longer I want to see if any of you ladies think that I should ask her for more details to know what exactly happened or if your husbands/boyfriends were in the same situation you don't think I should bring it up? THanks again

 

[Tangnefedd]

I know it must have been a shock and she should have been upfront about her partners before she married you. ( did the race of the men she slept with bother you as you mentioned it, surely that doesn't make a difference?) If you continue to give her a hard time about it, this will not help your relationship. You have got to be man enough to try to put it all in the past where it belongs.

 

[stonehands]

she said for me not to ask any questions and the she said it was 3 more guys and I instantly wanted to know more so I asked her who they were... I wanted to know more right away and that is just the way she said it.....she said well 1 was a black guy that she didn't even want to do when she was 13 and I said and the others? I was just stating how the conversation went down.....at first I didn't give any thought as to what race any of them were but for some reason it did bother me because of they way she said it maybe? but now I find myself kind of resenting my black friends now....and I am ashamed for it because they are good people.... it shouldn't make a difference and the two inhuman pieces of garbage that raped and molested her were white.... so I don't know I'm flooded with emotions and because she offered up the information about him being black....that fact has bothered me....I think it was just because of the way she said it and I would probably have been mad at all men that were 30 if she would have said one of them was a 30 year old guy... it was just the way she said it has me preoccupied and I want to let it go and this is why I'm asking opinions....every man I have spoken with has said that details would only fuel the fire and that it is unimportant but that does not prevent my mind from wanting to know more? I don't know if it is a guy thing or what because she didn't ask any details about the girl I was with before my wife.....I was with one other girl so I know I am no better and have sinned against her as well not keeping myself for my wife... I just don't want to obsess about the whole thing.... I know it belongs in the past and with time this new hurt for me will I hope subside....thank you for your opinion....and I'm sorry if I offended anybody but I can't help the way I'm feeling and I am trying to help it...

 

[LadyBird]

The reason why your wife probably lied to you was because

a) it was all behind her and she asked for the Lord's forgiveness and felt you didn't need to know about her sexual past at that point
b) she felt that you would break up with her if she told you the truth about what happened
c) she felt ashamed, embarassed or maybe she didn't even really think of it as a big deal...who knows.
It could be one or all of the above or something totally different but that is what immediately came to my mind.

The main thing is is that she didn't sleep with these guys while she was married to you. SO things could be worse. At least she didn't get pregnant or get an STD.

The bottom line is: she is your wife, the same woman you love and married. She made some bad choices and made mistakes. Everyone does you know. You guys really need to communicate your feelings to one another. Tell her how you feel. But also let her know that you love her no matter what she did in the past and that you will always be there for her. She needs to feel safe and loved. I would want to know all the details too...don't be afraid to ask. If you don't ask, it probably will eat away at you forever...just like her lying to you was eating her up inside as well. Sure, it will be hard to hear about the details about your wife having sex with other men, but IMO you need to hear about it in order to move on.

It's natural to feel upset and deceived. But I think she only hid it from you because she didn't want to lose you. Be understanding and have some compassion for her, forgive her...listen to her. Pray for her and your marriage. Tell her exactly how you feel and ask what is going on in her mind too. I really think you guys should just sit down and have a heart to heart...lay it all out on the table and encourage her not to hid any details from you.

And keep us posted!

 

[LuxPerpetua]

I am so sorry that you guys are having difficulties but I also truly hope that from now on you will both be committed to open and honest communication in your marriage. I promise, it is better to be totally truthful and face the consequences than to build your marriage on even the littlest falsehood. Lying, big or small, is a sin, and sins have no place in your marriage. None of us is perfect, but you need to at least aim for perfection.

Another note, since you seem to be bothered by this, you all should probably talk about this situation more with each other and also seek a Christian marriage counselor. Your wife probably has a lot of pent-up emotions from her difficult past and it seems like she needs extra attention working through them, and as her spouse you also need emotional support as you help her confront these feelings. Just a thought

 

[stonehands]

I woke my wife up to talk about things last night because I couldn't sleep and things got pretty bad in my fragile weak human mind.... My wife was upset that I wanted to know more details and she said that it shouldn't matter and that I was wrong for wanting to know because it was mistakes she has made in her past that God has forgiven her for so why couldn't I just let it go? She said it was things that she did before she knew of God or even that Premarital sex was wrong... she just thought sex was something couples did to show they care... I told her I didn't know why and that I didn't want to ask her any more but I couldn't sleep... she kept asking why I wanted to know and things got kind of bad and I felt so horrible for putting her through what I put her through last night... and I finally asked her the questions and she gave the answers and It wasn't near as bad as my mind had made it out to be.... I feel like a weight has been lifted from my heart and mind but a new one put in it's place.... I feel like I have failed my wife by wanting to know these things because she never asked about the girl I was with before her because it didn't matter to her... I feel so ashamed for what I thought may have been true about her... I have caused her pain by forcing her to dredge up old wounds from her past and recount some details.... she has been hurt so many times in her past by so many people, I didn't want to be one of those that caused her pain and now I have.... I tried to explain to her how my mind was working and she just didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was.... I just hope that time will now heal the wedge I seem to have driven between us and that our marriage can be even stronger.... I'm just not sure if I did the right thing by making her tell me....I just couldn't sleep and my stomach has burned so much and I've felt so sickened this past week I had to do something

 

[katelyn]

I think you should just tell your wife what you just told us...that you feel bad that it was so important for you to know, but that for whatever reason you couldn't get it off of your mind and it was eating away at you, but now that you know it's like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Tell her that you are sorry that your desire to know caused her pain, and thank her for telling you so that you could move past it. Really, I think if you just let your wife know how bad you feel, yet how her telling you has given you what you need to move on, healing can begin.

 

[E-beth]

I can't help but think that your wife's past hiuistory might have been a result of her being sexually molested and raped. Women who are sexually molested, especially when it robs them of their virginity, tend to develop a warped sexual view. They do it to feel accepted, or worthy, or to act out their pain from their innocence being torn away.

If your wife went through terrible things and had not yet met Christ and had no God to help her through it, then she probably had alot of pain and no way to release it.

It is natural to want details of your partner's past. And it is natural to feel betrayed and hurt by her keeping it a secret. But it is her old man's rubble, her past that God doesn't even remember. Love her as you always did, because she hasn't changed. But by freaking out, you might be sending her the message that she can't tell you about unpleasant stuff.

 

[PottersClay]

I'm just not sure if I did the right thing by making her tell me....I just couldn't sleep and my stomach has burned so much and I've felt so sickened this past week I had to do something

No Stonehands, it was uncategorically the wrong thing to do and you have got to stop asking her questions about this. I cant stress this any more. For one, your mind is conjuring images about what she's saying that simply are not true. What you're being tortured with is how you imagine these incidents with her, not what really happened, especially if she was that young when it happened.

When she married you, she knew you loved her and you treated her like the precious woman she is. Though she had put her past behind her, it wasnt until she married you that she knew she was finally safe, and no man would make her feel shameful again. You cant imagine how important that is to a woman.

But if you persist in asking for details, you are not only causing her to re-live the shame of these experiences, that feeling of having put the shame of her past behind her is gone, and the safety she found in you will be gone too.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across strong, but I speak from personal experience. I still struggle with a past that was once utterly behind me. Yes, it gets better over time, but before I was married, it was so behind me, I honestly didnt remember 90% of all that had happened. Being asked endless questions made it as if it just happened.

I was able to finally reject the shame that threatened to overwhelm me, but all those memories that the Lord buried are now alive and well (and it's been at least 2 years since any of the discussions happened.)

 

[cjba]

I can understand that you want to ask questions. The bottom line is that you don't need the details. Why in the world would you want to know the details of your wife, the mother of your child with another man? What you are probably imagining may be worse than what actually happened. We all have done things in our past that we are not proud of. This is not something that a person wants to expose. Take if for what it is .... she told you the truth....that is all you need to know. God has forgivin you for your sins and hers. You need to forgive her for not telling you not for what she did. This is part of her past and that is where it should stay. The past has no business in putting conflict on the marriage God has given you. If you dwell on this you can cause turmoil in the marriage that may affect your son. This is the wife that God has choosen for you... she is your gift from God. You are to love her unconditionally no matter what took place in her past. Remember yesterday is gone part of your past. Tomorrow is uncertain with no guarantees. What you do have is today. Don't ruin tomorrow with your concerns of yesterday. Yes, you feel hurt and betrayed but this is today. You will not feel this way in time. I agree that you should consider going to a marriage councelor to help you overcome this new information that has been given to you. It took courage for your wife to give this past sin to you. Concentrate on her courage verses what took place in her past. And pray to God to help you accept her past and be the husband and father He wants you to be. God Bless

 

[selune]

I think you should just tell your wife what you just told us...that you feel bad that it was so important for you to know, but that for whatever reason you couldn't get it off of your mind and it was eating away at you, but now that you know it's like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Tell her that you are sorry that your desire to know caused her pain, and thank her for telling you so that you could move past it. Really, I think if you just let your wife know how bad you feel, yet how her telling you has given you what you need to move on, healing can begin.

I think that this is the best idea. People have been saying it's wrong for Stonehands to have asked about this, however, he DIDN'T ask to have the situation dumped in his lap in the first place! His wife feels better having come clean (to what ends?) Now for Stonehands to get past the hurt he wanted some more info. I don't know, perhaps you (Stone) were feeling like she was comparing you to previous relationships, and she was just trying to get guilt off her chest. I'm praying that the two of you can now move forward. Pray for your wife that she no longer feels the shame, and pray for yourself that you can let go of your anger/hurt. Peace

 

[PottersClay]

Now for Stonehands to get past the hurt he wanted some more info.

But clearly getting more info has made things worse, not just in his own torment (that drives him to ask more and more questions) but the potential damage that it could cause to his wife and their relationship. Even if it did help him, is it worth destroying his wife over? He's supposed to be her protector, not just another guy who exposes her shame. If he continues to question her, that's exactly what he's doing.

I don't know, perhaps you (Stone) were feeling like she was comparing you to previous relationships,

Problem is the more details he has, the more things he has the potential to feel are being compared.

Pray for your wife that she no longer feels the shame, and pray for yourself that you can let go of your anger/hurt.

Amen. I will be praying for them too.

 

[katelyn]

But clearly getting more info has made things worse, not just in his own torment (that drives him to ask more and more questions) but the potential damage that it could cause to his wife and their relationship. Even if it did help him, is it worth destroying his wife over? He's supposed to be her protector, not just another guy who exposes her shame. If he continues to question her, that's exactly what he's doing.

Yeah, but you could argue that her bringing up her past has made things worse, too. Even if it did help her, it's obviously hurt him.

Now, I'm not saying that she should have never told the truth. I just don't think it was so terrible of him to want some more information about it, as long as he doesn't keep bringing it up and they are able to put all this behind them. I thought in Stonehands' latest post that it sounded like his questions had been answered and he is done with that line of thinking, and now he only feels guilty for needing more than her simple explanation. I think by communicating about how they feel about all this, they will be able to clear up the guilt and hurt on both sides and move on in the life and love they are accustomed to.

 

[PottersClay]

Yeah, but you could argue that her bringing up her past has made things worse, too. Even if it did help her, it's obviously hurt him.

Four years ago, I'd have probably disagreed, but having been through this whole scenario myself I completely agree. In my case, I didnt "confess", but my (at the time) fiancee, knew I was not a virgin, and he too felt this "need" to know. In the beginning, he really was compassionate about it. He cried for what I had been through. But it was when he began thinking about what I had told him that the trouble started.

As Stone intimated, my (by then DH) started having these awful images of what he thought had happened, and so in a real sense, he "needed" me to give him more details to dispel those images. And for a short time, that did help, but it was a horrible perpetuating thing that almost did irreparable damage to our very new marriage.

Now we have a wonderful marriage and we're best friends, but I have lost forever that perfectly safe feeling that my husband sees the virgin that the Lord had indeed restored me to, and he will forever have insecurities that haunt him.

Some things can not be undone.

 

[believer12]

I AM SO SORRY about your situation... I can tell you really care about your wife and her feelings. Praise the Lord. I can relate to your experience because my husband hid a dark secret from me our first year of marriage- that he engaged in internet pornography. Though he was forgiven from me and God, my mind went crazy!! I wanted to know details-who did he talk to, what sites did he go to, why? This was hard on my husband, sure... but that is the consequence for his lies (his sins). I HAD to hear the answers to regain his trust again, to feel safe and close to him. Let your wife know your deep love for her, but that for you to cope, you need to communicate. And, the only way your marriage will work is if you are completely honest with her...don't act like everything is OK because you don't want to hurt her.... you two are ONE body and what hurts you hurts her, even if you don't share it... it will eventually eat at you. My heart goes out to you. If she is up for it, go to a counselor. AND MOST OF ALL, pray together!!!!!!