Marriage - it may not be worth it anymore (for men)

[trophy33]

Many Christian men are still hooked in the idea that the traditional wife or the traditional marriage is something still common today. And they end up in a very bad shape, when they realize it is not.

Be careful not to project old ideas into the world in which these ideas no longer exist. So that you will not be destroyed. The justice system will be against you, will not hold to the same values as you do and will not care about any traditional values.

If you have any doubts or see some red flags about your woman, do not marry her.

 

[Citanul]

The possibility of divorce and its consequences isn't an argument against marriage. It's an argument against marrying the wrong person, which is a different thing.

 

[trophy33]

The possibility of divorce and its consequences isn't an argument against marriage. It's an argument against marrying the wrong person, which is a different thing.

Its a mixture of wrong persons, of wrong divorce laws and of basically no advantages of marriage for men, currently.

 

[High Fidelity]

No advantages? How is it not advantageous or something to strive for to commit formally and openly before God and His Kingdom that you intend to live a fulfilling life together with a woman?

I always have and always will maintain that the formality of marriage reframes a relationship from temporary to permanent. It is not something you walk away from or give up on, and the formality of marriage definitely helps underpin that.

Having doubts or seeing red flags is stating the patently obvious as reasons to avoid marriage in light of the above. I do believe a lot of people — especially Christians — rush into marriage, but that doesn’t mean marriage itself is an issue, rather the process through which it’s been approached and the means through which it has been practiced are.

If you’re seeking marriage without extensive Biblical counselling prior both as a couple and as individuals, you’re doing it wrong.

If you aren’t leaning on those more experienced than you when times are tough, you’re doing it wrong.

If you aren’t spending time together in fellowship, understanding each others’ beliefs and subsequent compatibility, you’re doing it wrong.

Marriage is a journey, not the destination. Exchanging rings and kissing in front of a crowd isn’t the end of the process, it’s part of it. Rushing into marriage viewing it as the destination is destined to fail, or at least be miserable. Marriage is the beginning of the rest of your lives, and if people can’t see that and haven’t taken the time and consideration and counsel of others as to what that means, they’re in for a miserable time.

Personally I don’t look for relationships but I’d love to be married one day. The idea of the work and effort that goes into marriage is something that excites me, as well as being another means to bring glory to God.

The original post’s statement is painfully cynical and often things like this are espoused by people trying to convince themselves that they don’t want something because they haven’t got it or can’t get it.

 

[bèlla]

Wherever we embody 'no matter what' in our words and deeds is where we'll manifest. It's impossible to bring to fruition something riddled with doubt, fear and suspicion. You have to be all-in come what may. That's how you silence the negativity.

The desire of your heart is the thing you're unwilling to set aside. No matter the obstacles. Quitting isn't an option. When you reach that point you'll stop dwelling on bad reports and watching the clock fearing you've missed the boat or you're running out of time.

Righteous desires bring certainty. They don't keep you up at night. God is true to His word and time is His domain. All we have to do is make up our minds and stop waffling. When we circle the mountain we have more faith in what opposes us than the Lord. That's why we're weighing the odds, wringing our hands and growing despondent.

Wants and desires aren't one in the same. If your reasons for quitting outweigh the benefits for staying put you're not there yet. You can't stand on wants. There's no spiritual ammunition available. If you want to be victorious you have to read the word with cause and effect in mind.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.

Condition: Delight yourself in the Lord. (What does that mean? How do I do it?)
Result: He will give you the desires of your heart.

Condition: Commit your way (plans) to the Lord; trust in him,
Result: And he will act.
Blessing: He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Condition: Trust in the Lord with all your heart (mind; emotions)
Condition: And do not lean on your own understanding (intellect; feelings)
Condition: In all your ways (thoughts, feelings, actions) acknowledge him
Result: And he will make straight your paths.

You can't prosper in the world without wisdom. Knowledge is fine. But we need insight on application for our circumstances. Whether the information is natural or spiritual. Without wisdom we'll falter. Go through Proverbs line by line and you'll begin to see a pattern. If we do this then God will do that. He's given us the blueprint.

He wants to use everything for His glory. The more we to think along those lines the greater our success. He blesses our efforts because we're aligned. Finding the current is the key to our happiness and fulfillment. It doesn't matter what's happening in the world. That doesn't prevent Him from opening doors on our behalf.

We waste a lot of time on unprofitable pursuits. Things we aren't committed to or devoid of spiritual help. That's why things take so long. If we answer these questions we'd lessen the wait.

Is it the desire of my heart? Am I wholly committed to its fulfillment?
Is it biblical? If yes, have I met God's conditions?
If not, what do I need to do, confess or change?
Have I prayed and asked others to do the same?
Am I willing to fast for my breakthrough?
Have I thanked and praised Him once the petition was released?

There comes a point when we cease to ask and rest on the certainty its done. We praise Him for the blessing and live with expectation and preparation for what's to come. We're no longer burdened or heavy hearted.

~bella

 

[TheLastGeek]

I agree with Citanul's comment above. Beyond this, the video is full of hypotheticals, exaggerations, random "statistics", and some truly heinous advice (worried about losing your kids? grab a girlfriend, quick!).

Sure, I get that the culture surrounding marriage is vastly different today than it was a century ago. And some family and divorce laws remain very archaic and outdated. But this conversation really isn't a warning against marriage at all. It's a warning against divorce.

I'm also a fan of moving away from legal marriages. The government has no business being involved in such matters in the first place.

 

[Sketcher]

The possibility of divorce and its consequences isn't an argument against marriage. It's an argument against marrying the wrong person, which is a different thing.

How many people who get divorced thought they were marrying the wrong person when they got married?

Marriage includes a contract. With the laws on the books currently, many people are financially incentivized to break that contract. In a world full of sinners, why sign a contract that the other person gets paid to break?

The costs and risks outweigh the benefits for a lot of guys. I've heard it said that the only good reason for a man to get married is to start a family. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

 

[DragonFox91]

We want Biblical marriages holy & pleasing to God, not traditional marriages. There's a difference. Traditions change. God's intention of how marriage should be doesn't.

"Those ideas no longer exist." Says who? God's truths don't change. Marriage can still be good.

I'm glad you can find joy - if that's the word for what you have - myst, but I wouldn't try to discourage people from wanting to be married if they would like to.

I didn't watch the video. I'm guessing it's how items like how divorce laws are stacked against the men. & I agree: that's a problem. Moral of the story is: don't get divorced (but let's try fixing the laws anways), but regardless find a godly woman & be godly yourself if you would like to be married.

No advantages? How is it not advantageous or something to strive for to commit formally and openly before God and His Kingdom that you intend to live a fulfilling life together with a woman?

I always have and always will maintain that the formality of marriage reframes a relationship from temporary to permanent. It is not something you walk away from or give up on, and the formality of marriage definitely helps underpin that.

Having doubts or seeing red flags is stating the patently obvious as reasons to avoid marriage in light of the above. I do believe a lot of people — especially Christians — rush into marriage, but that doesn’t mean marriage itself is an issue, rather the process through which it’s been approached and the means through which it has been practiced are.

If you’re seeking marriage without extensive Biblical counselling prior both as a couple and as individuals, you’re doing it wrong.

If you aren’t leaning on those more experienced than you when times are tough, you’re doing it wrong.

If you aren’t spending time together in fellowship, understanding each others’ beliefs and subsequent compatibility, you’re doing it wrong.

Marriage is a journey, not the destination. Exchanging rings and kissing in front of a crowd isn’t the end of the process, it’s part of it. Rushing into marriage viewing it as the destination is destined to fail, or at least be miserable. Marriage is the beginning of the rest of your lives, and if people can’t see that and haven’t taken the time and consideration and counsel of others as to what that means, they’re in for a miserable time.

Personally I don’t look for relationships but I’d love to be married one day. The idea of the work and effort that goes into marriage is something that excites me, as well as being another means to bring glory to God.

The original post’s statement is painfully cynical and often things like this are espoused by people trying to convince themselves that they don’t want something because they haven’t got it or can’t get it.

A lot of people say that about myst. From what I know about myst, he's very good w/ women & could very well get it (marriage) but I believe he is doing it wrong w/ them & that has given him a bad attitudes towards the concept of marriage. It's a 'if she doesn't make me feel good, I'm not interested in what she wants.' & then he sees topics about divorce & is like 'shoot, if I'm not getting enough out of it, if I leave her, I'm in even more trouble.' More power to him, I guess. We need more people who want to be single.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Many Christian men are still hooked in the idea that the traditional wife or the traditional marriage is something still common today. And they end up in a very bad shape, when they realize it is not.

Be careful not to project old ideas into the world in which these ideas no longer exist. So that you will not be destroyed. The justice system will be against you, will not hold to the same values as you do and will not care about any traditional values.

If you have any doubts or see some red flags about your woman, do not marry her.

Honestly, I think marriage is equally a disadvantage for men AND women, and for the sole reason that divorce is so common, if you have any difference or disagreement you see people get divorced. It's so common now it's horrible. This is apart from abuse or unfaithfulness, divorce should not be something that is quickly done or reached for.

So the main message: Regardless of your gender, make sure you and your partner are equally committed. Not just "i'm in love of course i'll never leave you" ask yourself "will i leave my partner regardless of conflict? Or am i wishy washy" if both of you can answer that you won't leave, then I believe it is good to marry.

Learn from my mistake, i got involved with someone that divorced too easily, that saw nothing wrong with divorce. I lied to myself that they were a Christian even though all they said was they believed in God.

 

[trophy33]

No advantages? How is it not advantageous or something to strive for to commit formally...

Because the "formality" puts state laws and judges to decide your life if something go wrong. And those favor women.

Women-are-wonderful effect - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[trophy33]

A lot of people say that about myst. From what I know about myst, he's very good w/ women & could very well get it (marriage) but I believe he is doing it wrong w/ them & that has given him a bad attitudes towards the concept of marriage. It's a 'if she doesn't make me feel good, I'm not interested in what she wants.' & then he sees topics about divorce & is like 'shoot, if I'm not getting enough out of it, if I leave her, I'm in even more trouble.' More power to him, I guess. We need more people who want to be single.

Please, stop your personal speculations and stay on topic.

 

[trophy33]

Honestly, I think marriage is equally a disadvantage for men AND women, and for the sole reason that divorce is so common, if you have any difference or disagreement you see people get divorced. It's so common now it's horrible. This is apart from abuse or unfaithfulness, divorce should not be something that is quickly done or reached for.

So the main message: Regardless of your gender, make sure you and your partner are equally committed. Not just "i'm in love of course i'll never leave you" ask yourself "will i leave my partner regardless of conflict? Or am i wishy washy" if both of you can answer that you won't leave, then I believe it is good to marry.

Learn from my mistake, i got involved with someone that divorced too easily, that saw nothing wrong with divorce. I lied to myself that they were a Christian even though all they said was they believed in God.

Who got the children, house etc.? How much did the divorce cost you and her? How long did the divorce process take?

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Who got the children, house etc.? How much did the divorce cost you and her? How long did the divorce process take?

no kids she payed for the divorce and the divorce was a no contest that normally takes at least 6 months

 

[trophy33]

the video is full of hypotheticals, exaggerations, random "statistics"

Are you claiming that the examples in the video do not happen often or are too rare to care?

and some truly heinous advice (worried about losing your kids? grab a girlfriend, quick!).

If you mean the end of the video, the advice "pay a woman to have your children and then live with another woman without having children with her", its not a Christian advice. Though it may protect some men better than current laws marriages, its not something I would go for or recommend.

 

[trophy33]

no kids she payed for the divorce and the divorce was a no contest that normally takes at least 6 months

Glad to hear you had it so easy and without kids.

 

[Niels]

Many Christian men are still hooked in the idea that the traditional wife or the traditional marriage is something still common today. And they end up in a very bad shape, when they realize it is not.

Be careful not to project old ideas into the world in which these ideas no longer exist. So that you will not be destroyed. The justice system will be against you, will not hold to the same values as you do and will not care about any traditional values.

If you have any doubts or see some red flags about your woman, do not marry her.

Many people still assume that marriage will solve their problems. It won't. Having realistic expectations, along with being patient enough to hold out for what you truly value in a relationship, can save a person from a world of hurt. The possibility of divorce will still be there, but it won't be as high.

 

[trophy33]

Many people still assume that marriage will solve their problems. It won't. Having realistic expectations, along with being patient enough to hold out for what you truly value in a relationship, can save a person from a world of hurt. The possibility of divorce will still be there, but it won't be as high.

1. Red flags must not be ignored
2. If you want a family, look for a family-oriented woman
3. If you want a marriage, study what marriage is, in your state/culture, and do not rely on some traditional intuitive idea in your head

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

Many Christian men are still hooked in the idea that the traditional wife or the traditional marriage is something still common today. And they end up in a very bad shape, when they realize it is not.

Be careful not to project old ideas into the world in which these ideas no longer exist. So that you will not be destroyed. The justice system will be against you, will not hold to the same values as you do and will not care about any traditional values.

If you have any doubts or see some red flags about your woman, do not marry her.

Interesting video. makes you wonder why woman are always complaining that there are no good men out there and that men never want to commit...wonder if they ever think THIS might be the reason. A friend of mine years ago wanted to marry this girl he went out with for 8 years and then she cheated on him. At the time he was out shopping for a big ring. Well, now, years later, she is on her 3rd marriage and my friend dodged a bullet...

 

[Citanul]

How many people who get divorced thought they were marrying the wrong person when they got married?

OK, fair point. But even so, it is still essential do vet the other person before marrying them and I do agree with the point in the OP about red flags. Marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly and certainly don't marry someone expecting that they will change because that's unlikely to happen.

And yes, the reality is that marriages do break down. People change over time, and sometimes the best course of action is for them to go their separate ways, and it can be through no fault of either party.

But there are times when the break up could have been avoided. People generally don't decide on a whim to get divorced and there's usually a lot leading up to it. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives, and loving someone is an ongoing process. Neglect your marriage and spouse and you have to be prepared to accept the consequences.

And at the end of the day, if someone doesn't think marriage is a good idea then the answer is simple. Don't get married. No one's forcing them to do so. But they must also expect opposition if they're going to use scare mongering language to try to convince other people of their point of view.

 

[Citanul]

1. Red flags must not be ignored
2. If you want a family, look for a family-oriented woman
3. If you want a marriage, study what marriage is, in your state/culture, and do not rely on some traditional intuitive idea in your head

That's good advice, and what people should be doing before considering marriage. But giving that advice is a different stance from stating that marriage isn't worth it.