marriage in the WEEDs

[LMontoya]

I have been married to my husband for almost a year now, we dated for 4 yrs. before tying the knot I knew that he sold weed for extra money, i didnt like it at all, but the profits were good and he was always small-time, nothing huge that would put him in prison or anything. He promised he would stop as soon as we had the wedding. That never happened, we moved into our first apartment and i've had to deal with not only the smell but the people coming in and out at random times of the day to make pick ups and drop offs. I agree that the money is good, although I still hold a full time job (im not dependent on this money) and he still holds a normal job- and just graduated college with a Bachelors in Business! (in my opinion we would make it just fine without this "extra" money- he claims we have the life style we do because of this extra money), he says he wont be able to make money that fast doing anything else and uses our upcoming baby as an excuse to needing this extra money now. We are expecting our first little girl in just a couple of months, and when I first found out my first conversation to him was to stop the weed selling. He agreed. I know he had agreed to it before and still didnt stop so I bring it up constantly, it has become the root of our arguments now. He wants to call it "controlling" says i try to control every aspect of his life, to what he watches (sports center and music videos is his main thing and i can only take so much of it!-in my defense, he hates my "reality tv shows" and glee shows too) what he does and the time he does it (he's gotten in the habit of going out to play basketball at 10pm-1am leaving me alone at nite, which i dont like or find it appropiate when he has afternoons off) The weed thing is the heaviest burden, he'll receive calls in the middle of meals, family events, dates, anything and always has to run off to "make money" i almost feel like this has taken his first priority leaving me to the side, i cant stand it anymore and told him i would NOT have my daughter around it, idk what to do anymore or how to make him understand how weed is ruining us.

 

[Root of Jesse]

I have been married to my husband for almost a year now, we dated for 4 yrs. before tying the knot I knew that he sold weed for extra money, i didnt like it at all, but the profits were good and he was always small-time, nothing huge that would put him in prison or anything. He promised he would stop as soon as we had the wedding. That never happened, we moved into our first apartment and i've had to deal with not only the smell but the people coming in and out at random times of the day to make pick ups and drop offs. I agree that the money is good, although I still hold a full time job (im not dependent on this money) and he still holds a normal job- and just graduated college with a Bachelors in Business! (in my opinion we would make it just fine without this "extra" money- he claims we have the life style we do because of this extra money), he says he wont be able to make money that fast doing anything else and uses our upcoming baby as an excuse to needing this extra money now. We are expecting our first little girl in just a couple of months, and when I first found out my first conversation to him was to stop the weed selling. He agreed. I know he had agreed to it before and still didnt stop so I bring it up constantly, it has become the root of our arguments now. He wants to call it "controlling" says i try to control every aspect of his life, to what he watches (sports center and music videos is his main thing and i can only take so much of it!-in my defense, he hates my "reality tv shows" and glee shows too) what he does and the time he does it (he's gotten in the habit of going out to play basketball at 10pm-1am leaving me alone at nite, which i dont like or find it appropiate when he has afternoons off) The weed thing is the heaviest burden, he'll receive calls in the middle of meals, family events, dates, anything and always has to run off to "make money" i almost feel like this has taken his first priority leaving me to the side, i cant stand it anymore and told him i would NOT have my daughter around it, idk what to do anymore or how to make him understand how weed is ruining us.

I think you should stick to your guns and demand that it stop AT THE LATEST, by the time your child is due.

Questions-Is pot smoking done in the apartment? If so, that needs to stop immediately.
What would happen if your husband's job found out he was dealing drugs?
What would happen if your job found out he was dealing drugs?
Where's he getting it? How certain are you that he's not endangering your life and your due child by dealing with pot dealers?

These are just a few things. I posted something somewhere about different ways Catholics believe to sin, and it's not just when you commit it, it's also when you enable someone else to commit it.

Also, I would develop an attitude where anything that you guys buy that comes from drug money is disdained. Tell him you want nothing to do with it.

Also, I think you'd have a strong case for an annulment on this ground. Speak to your pastor about it.

 

[JaneFW]

IMO, you should not have married him in the first place, because marrying him while he was pushing drugs was basically giving consent to him to continue. Even now you say that the money is good, which again gives tacit approval to what is a crime. How you could even consider bringing a child into this situation, I can't imagine, but just coasting by on "promises" isn't going to cut it, especially as you are living this expensive lifestyle with him, and apparently not complaining that he is funding it with drug money. I know this comes across as harsh, but really, it's the child I'm thinking of. You two are adults, and you can make your own decisions, but this child did not ask to be born into a family where money is the bottom line, and the getting of it by illegal means is no big deal. Have you even thought about the misery that drug addiction causes to other families? Have you thought about your own child learning through y'all's lifestyle that drugs are okay, and starting to use before she is a teen, because I can tell you that the vast majority of drug takers are "modeled" their drug of use by their parents. Even if you don't use it, it is on the premises, and actually, I would be surprised if at least your husband doesn't use it. And what about if you get busted? Your husband would be going to jail. Your assets would be frozen. Not a good place to be with a baby - that is if you're not in jail yourself, and your child taken from you permanently.

You need to take action and take it now. Make it firmly known that you are not being a part of drug pushing any longer, and you want nothing further from drug money, which is obtained from the misery of other people. If you have a family nearby, I would talk to them about whether they would be willing to take you in, if separation is required to get your point across. The choice is quite firmly in the hands of both of you. Evidently your husband is not going to take seriously your requests for a changed lifestyle, until/unless you show him that you mean it!

 

[JaneFW]

I have moved my post here, and you might want to report your second thread and ask the mods to delete it.

 

[LMontoya]

I see how this can seem like a huge deal, I guess its something i've become acostumed to with time and that's bad. There is no weed smoking in my apartment at any time, like i said, he doesnt deal with large amounts that could get him into big time trouble, and yes that sounds like im approving of it or making excuses to why i've let it happen but im really not. I completely agree with the stuff that weed money buys is dirty and i have told him this for a long time.
Everything *I* own *I* have bought with my own money. When we first moved in together we pretty much split everything halfway, he's bought me things like kitchen gadgets and designer purses but Im not living any kind of "expensive" life style nor am I demanding him for it. He buys things like electronics or takes us out to eat places but most this money he's saving for a future home, I have told him people do this kinda stuff by working hard but he seems to have gotten used to the easy-ness of it.
The fact that my daughter could be taken from us because of this is what terrifies me and why i think twice about staying.
I appreciate your advice but i married this man because i love him and an annulment would be my very last choice.

 

[JaneFW]

I'm not saying you should annul your marriage or divorce him. But that child should be #1 in your thoughts, and if you can share #1, you should be thinking about is the lack of God in your home, because where drugs are in, He is out.

I will say that, if you were busted, the police won't care if you say you bought things with your own money - you are living in a home which is part of the proceeds of drug selling. Period.

By making your first sentence "you see how this can seem like a huge deal" indicates to me that you really haven't changed your thinking. It is a big deal to have drugs dealt out of your home. If your husband isn't willing to change, it's up to you to do the best for your child.

 

[Root of Jesse]

I see how this can seem like a huge deal, I guess its something i've become acostumed to with time and that's bad. There is no weed smoking in my apartment at any time, like i said, he doesnt deal with large amounts that could get him into big time trouble, and yes that sounds like im approving of it or making excuses to why i've let it happen but im really not. I completely agree with the stuff that weed money buys is dirty and i have told him this for a long time.
Everything *I* own *I* have bought with my own money. When we first moved in together we pretty much split everything halfway, he's bought me things like kitchen gadgets and designer purses but Im not living any kind of "expensive" life style nor am I demanding him for it. He buys things like electronics or takes us out to eat places but most this money he's saving for a future home, I have told him people do this kinda stuff by working hard but he seems to have gotten used to the easy-ness of it.
The fact that my daughter could be taken from us because of this is what terrifies me and why i think twice about staying.
I appreciate your advice but i married this man because i love him and an annulment would be my very last choice.

It should be your last choice! I totally agree. You must put your foot down. Jane is absolutely right, here. The very fact that he's willing to sell drugs to people, knowing that he's pushing them into sin, should tell you something. Jane's also right that you need to have God in your home. You need to really get things straight for your daughter. Tell your husband that you will not live in a home bought with the taint of drug money, that you don't want anything that's a prodcut of drug money, and that's the end of it. To show him how serious you are, I would throw away whatever he's bought you that you know comes from drugs, and simply do without it. You have to develop a backbone and not tolerate this stuff in your home. Marijuana is a gateway drug. I don't care if it's legal or not.
Question: Do you go to Mass every week? Does he? Were you married in the Catholic Church? Will you have your baby baptized in the Catholic Church? Is he Catholic? If so, how faithful to the Church are you? If I were you, I would seek out help from a pastor or deacon to help get the message across.

 

[katautumn]

like i said, he doesnt deal with large amounts that could get him into big time trouble

Really? I have a friend who was carrying just above the legal limit of cocaine where it's considered possession with the intent to distribute. He spent three years in prison. For the next seven years, he wasn't allowed to leave the state or have unsupervised visitation with his daughter. Thank God he got his life straightened out, but it carried severe consequences that shattered his entire family for an entire decade. Is that the life you want for yourself and for your daughter? "What does your dad do for a living?" "well, he's a drug dealer". Classy. If it's such a small amount of pot, then he isn't making enough to justify selling it (not that anything does, but I guess in his mind the money does).

 

[Lilymay]

IMO, you should not have married him in the first place, because marrying him while he was pushing drugs was basically giving consent to him to continue. Even now you say that the money is good, which again gives tacit approval to what is a crime. How you could even consider bringing a child into this situation, I can't imagine, but just coasting by on "promises" isn't going to cut it, especially as you are living this expensive lifestyle with him, and apparently not complaining that he is funding it with drug money. I know this comes across as harsh, but really, it's the child I'm thinking of. You two are adults, and you can make your own decisions, but this child did not ask to be born into a family where money is the bottom line, and the getting of it by illegal means is no big deal. Have you even thought about the misery that drug addiction causes to other families? Have you thought about your own child learning through y'all's lifestyle that drugs are okay, and starting to use before she is a teen, because I can tell you that the vast majority of drug takers are "modeled" their drug of use by their parents. Even if you don't use it, it is on the premises, and actually, I would be surprised if at least your husband doesn't use it. And what about if you get busted? Your husband would be going to jail. Your assets would be frozen. Not a good place to be with a baby - that is if you're not in jail yourself, and your child taken from you permanently.

You need to take action and take it now. Make it firmly known that you are not being a part of drug pushing any longer, and you want nothing further from drug money, which is obtained from the misery of other people. If you have a family nearby, I would talk to them about whether they would be willing to take you in, if separation is required to get your point across. The choice is quite firmly in the hands of both of you. Evidently your husband is not going to take seriously your requests for a changed lifestyle, until/unless you show him that you mean it!

^^^this.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

You might consider doing some homework to find out what happens to people in your husbands situation when they are caught by the police and present those facts to him, letting him know that it is what he's risking and causing you to risk. I think you'll both be absolutely shocked.

 

[captaincarr]

Make him stop. Many people say they are going to stop something when they get married and it never happens.