I need help. I am at my wits end with my husband. I feel so frustrated, angry, and just plain beaten down. The problem is with my husband's slovenly behaviors. He leaves dirty dishes all over for days on end. Used kleenexs litter our counters, and his clothes are all over our floor. I have talked to him so many times I can't count. Long indepth talks. He always resorts to the arguement that I don't give him a chance to clean up, and that he's sorry and will try harder. Well, after letting something set there for more than 24 hours, I feel like I've given him adequate time, and nothing ever has changed - at all! Today, it's gotten so bad, we had another argument about it, and I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore. Then I told him to leave, and never come back. I work my tale off everyweek. I am getting a phD in chemical physics - which is something I throughouly enjoy,and bring in a paycheck for doing. I put in atleast 50 hours a week, because that is what's required for my program. Regardless of how much I work though, I don't feel I should have to clean up after an able bodied adult. I can't express how much, even though I love my husband, I daydream of being free from this situation. I dream of being single again, and maybe dating him - just so long as I don't have to live with him. I feel done. I feel like I've tried absolutely everything. I can't stand it anymore. I feel like I'm walking in circles - like I'm fighting a battle, and ran out of ammo about 4 months ago. I just cry and cry and cry becaue I am so done. Someone please help me. Please.
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Marriage Help
- Thread starter Belle_120
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Is it possible that your husband has ADD?
Have you sought christian counsel? What does your husband do for a living? Where does his education level fit in with yours? How long have you been married?
You mentioned that you love your husband . . and that you have imagined going back to dating relationship with him . .
When was the last time you two went out on a date? What if you gave into this fantasy (but without kicking him out) and started dating again?
Can you have someone come in a few times a week and help clean while you do this?
Peace in Him!
Have you sought christian counsel? What does your husband do for a living? Where does his education level fit in with yours? How long have you been married?
You mentioned that you love your husband . . and that you have imagined going back to dating relationship with him . .
When was the last time you two went out on a date? What if you gave into this fantasy (but without kicking him out) and started dating again?
Can you have someone come in a few times a week and help clean while you do this?
Peace in Him!
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Pray for him and be patient. Continue to stay in Word. Also, hang in there. It's not the Lord's will for you to divorce him just because you are sick of his ways. Also, really seek the Lord before you do anything major.
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Pastor_Benjamin
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Gods grace and divine peace upon you Belle_120,
I have delt with this particular situation before with my wife. I was guilty of not doing my part to help her clean up, but I admit it wasnt something that I was doing on purpose. It was more of a subconious thing were I didnt realize that I wasnt doing my part. I finally realized how much it affected my wife when at several arguments with me not doing my part to clean up being the topic. Sometimes we as men get in that defensive mode and I was also guilty of that.
Now I realize that as a husband I must be more in tune to my wife's feelings. Marriage in fact is a partnership between husband and wife. What is that partnership you say? The partnership is that both male and female will put their partner in front of themselves with God as the first priority. The bible teaches us that a male will leave his mother and father to be with his wife. "They will become one." Its not all about "I" their is no "I" in team and thats exactly what a family is a team. I pray that this has been a hope to you. "A husband must be an example to the entire family."
God bless,
Pastor Bruce Benjamin
I have delt with this particular situation before with my wife. I was guilty of not doing my part to help her clean up, but I admit it wasnt something that I was doing on purpose. It was more of a subconious thing were I didnt realize that I wasnt doing my part. I finally realized how much it affected my wife when at several arguments with me not doing my part to clean up being the topic. Sometimes we as men get in that defensive mode and I was also guilty of that.
Now I realize that as a husband I must be more in tune to my wife's feelings. Marriage in fact is a partnership between husband and wife. What is that partnership you say? The partnership is that both male and female will put their partner in front of themselves with God as the first priority. The bible teaches us that a male will leave his mother and father to be with his wife. "They will become one." Its not all about "I" their is no "I" in team and thats exactly what a family is a team. I pray that this has been a hope to you. "A husband must be an example to the entire family."
God bless,
Pastor Bruce Benjamin
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Mrs. Enigma
Transformers was awesome!!!!
I think the idea of hiring someone to come in and clean, and going out on dates sounds like a good idea.
Also, nagging your husband is probably not gonna work. It will probably just make him resent you. If he wants to leave dirty kleenex on the counter, that is his perogative. (sonds gross, though)
I think a lot of the stress may be because you are trying to become the provider, and are still expected to be the homemaker. God had it planned that the women were to be "keepers at home" while the men went to work. This would have eliminated some of the stress, since you both would have your certain rolls, and would not have to try to fullfill two rolls.
Maybe, instead of trying to change your husband, which is not working, you could work on changing your perspective. Although, that might be hard to do, it is probably easier than the stress, and conflict of bickering and steaming at him while trying to get him to do things your way.
If your husband says he will clean up, and not to worry about it, then I'd say try giving it a month instead of 24 hours.
Also, nagging your husband is probably not gonna work. It will probably just make him resent you. If he wants to leave dirty kleenex on the counter, that is his perogative. (sonds gross, though)
I think a lot of the stress may be because you are trying to become the provider, and are still expected to be the homemaker. God had it planned that the women were to be "keepers at home" while the men went to work. This would have eliminated some of the stress, since you both would have your certain rolls, and would not have to try to fullfill two rolls.
Maybe, instead of trying to change your husband, which is not working, you could work on changing your perspective. Although, that might be hard to do, it is probably easier than the stress, and conflict of bickering and steaming at him while trying to get him to do things your way.
If your husband says he will clean up, and not to worry about it, then I'd say try giving it a month instead of 24 hours.
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allieisme
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It doesnt matter if your getting your degree or if you stay at home IMO.. He should respect you. Even if you stay at home your husband should help you around the house. My husband is a little of the same way as your husband..
I stay home during the day with our 3 girls and clean constantly and he comes home, eats and puts his dish, the only dirty dish, right in the sink, doesnt rinse it out, just sets it down for me to put it in the dishwasher, then proceeds to the couch, where he takes his dirty nasty socks off and leaves them on the floor. We get in fights too, and he thinks when he helps out I dont know, maybe one weekend day a month, thats his ticket to say he helps out..
I just try and remember though, he works long days, and he doesnt realize he is being disrespectful or he isnt trying to be rude.
So my suggestion to you is this, its not going to help you letting him see his mess for 24 hours, its only going to make it worse for you to clean up when you do it, and its not going to help by fighting either, trust me on that one
Pray for it, and pray that God will open your husbands eyes, not only to the awesome wife he has but the home and contents that God has provided you guys with.
I stay home during the day with our 3 girls and clean constantly and he comes home, eats and puts his dish, the only dirty dish, right in the sink, doesnt rinse it out, just sets it down for me to put it in the dishwasher, then proceeds to the couch, where he takes his dirty nasty socks off and leaves them on the floor. We get in fights too, and he thinks when he helps out I dont know, maybe one weekend day a month, thats his ticket to say he helps out..
I just try and remember though, he works long days, and he doesnt realize he is being disrespectful or he isnt trying to be rude.
So my suggestion to you is this, its not going to help you letting him see his mess for 24 hours, its only going to make it worse for you to clean up when you do it, and its not going to help by fighting either, trust me on that one
Pray for it, and pray that God will open your husbands eyes, not only to the awesome wife he has but the home and contents that God has provided you guys with.
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ShetlandRose
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This probably won't be a popular answer...but...
Clean up after him! Your husband is sloppy, you are neat. I hope you didn't enter into marriage expecting to change him (even if you didn't know that he isn't particular tidy). Your marriage vows were not, "until messiness do us part." Is your husband an alcoholic, or a womanizer, or a drug addict? Is he cruel to you or your children (if there are children), does he kick the dog, gamble away your bank account, threaten you with violence, disappear for weeks on end? Try to see the good things in your husband (and I'll bet there are many). Do you really want to go back to being single? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. You shouldn't even be thinking about divorce, because you said you love your husband.
I do understand that the state of your house reflects upon YOU, not him. That just isn't fair when he won't do his part to help keep it clean when you have such a busy schedule. Your husband likely doesn't see the state of the house being as bad as you do. Getting angry and saying things you will regret later won't help.
Do as much as you can, and when you pick up that nasty kleenex, do it unto the Lord. This is my advice.
Just so you'll know...my husband also is messy, and I have the same battle. Be gentle and congenial. Most importantly, pray for the fruits of the Spirit to be evidenced in your marriage (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, humility, and self-control).
ShetlandRose
Clean up after him! Your husband is sloppy, you are neat. I hope you didn't enter into marriage expecting to change him (even if you didn't know that he isn't particular tidy). Your marriage vows were not, "until messiness do us part." Is your husband an alcoholic, or a womanizer, or a drug addict? Is he cruel to you or your children (if there are children), does he kick the dog, gamble away your bank account, threaten you with violence, disappear for weeks on end? Try to see the good things in your husband (and I'll bet there are many). Do you really want to go back to being single? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. You shouldn't even be thinking about divorce, because you said you love your husband.
I do understand that the state of your house reflects upon YOU, not him. That just isn't fair when he won't do his part to help keep it clean when you have such a busy schedule. Your husband likely doesn't see the state of the house being as bad as you do. Getting angry and saying things you will regret later won't help.
Do as much as you can, and when you pick up that nasty kleenex, do it unto the Lord. This is my advice.
Just so you'll know...my husband also is messy, and I have the same battle. Be gentle and congenial. Most importantly, pray for the fruits of the Spirit to be evidenced in your marriage (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, humility, and self-control).
ShetlandRose
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goodgirl
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I'm a certified slob so I feel qualified to speak here LOL:
A day is NOT enough to leave stuff on the counter. Hand to God, I sometimes look at my bathroom counter and think, "Gosh, I have a week's worth of coffee mugs up here!" I think sloppy people just don't see dirt the way neatniks do.
Also, I have never EVER EVER been motivated by nagging, threats or ultimatums. I imagine I'm not alone.
If there's any possible way you can afford it, get a maid... even once a month will help. It's possible that having a "deadline" of having the house not-too-embarassing will motivate your husband. I know that if I have a maid coming, I clean! haha
A day is NOT enough to leave stuff on the counter. Hand to God, I sometimes look at my bathroom counter and think, "Gosh, I have a week's worth of coffee mugs up here!" I think sloppy people just don't see dirt the way neatniks do.
Also, I have never EVER EVER been motivated by nagging, threats or ultimatums. I imagine I'm not alone.
If there's any possible way you can afford it, get a maid... even once a month will help. It's possible that having a "deadline" of having the house not-too-embarassing will motivate your husband. I know that if I have a maid coming, I clean! haha
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For the most part i agree with shetland and goodgirl.
I am messier than most people (although to my mind its not so bad). 24 hours is not enough time for someone like me to clean up my mess. A week is.
You can't change your husband.. trying to do so would mean you didn't love him for who he was. Rather you loved him for who you thought he could be for you. The only person you can and have a right to change is yourself.
If you dont think you can deal with it, you never should have married him. But you did, and now you must surrender it up to God. You CAN handle this because God would never have let this happen if you couldnt. Surrender this to God and have faith. Know that God hears you, loves you, and that things will work out when you have God on your side.
But to be clear, neither am i saying to simply make yourself content with living in a sty. Communicate, but try to do so with patience. I also would suggest counseling.
When it comes to God's kingdom and glory, which do you think matters more... staying married to your husband or getting a divorce and living in a clean apartment? Its hard, but you really have at your disposal what it will take to get through this.
I am messier than most people (although to my mind its not so bad). 24 hours is not enough time for someone like me to clean up my mess. A week is.
You can't change your husband.. trying to do so would mean you didn't love him for who he was. Rather you loved him for who you thought he could be for you. The only person you can and have a right to change is yourself.
If you dont think you can deal with it, you never should have married him. But you did, and now you must surrender it up to God. You CAN handle this because God would never have let this happen if you couldnt. Surrender this to God and have faith. Know that God hears you, loves you, and that things will work out when you have God on your side.
But to be clear, neither am i saying to simply make yourself content with living in a sty. Communicate, but try to do so with patience. I also would suggest counseling.
When it comes to God's kingdom and glory, which do you think matters more... staying married to your husband or getting a divorce and living in a clean apartment? Its hard, but you really have at your disposal what it will take to get through this.
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~PICKLE~
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I'm am going through the same battle right at this moment, so 20 mins. ago I went on Strike. I gonna sit on the couch watch Tv, play on the computer and do nothing. Usually it takes about half a day to a day to make my hubby realize I mean business and I ain't nobodies slave. He'll get tired of makin a sandwich or cleanin' a glass before he gets something to drink. And the trash will be so over full, you can't put nuthin' in it. At least that's what happenes around here. It;s not that I mind pickin' up after them, it just makes no sense to me how a grown man can be so messy. My son I understand and we're workin' on him pickin' up after himself. My husband has no excuse. So For the next day or so, I'm takin' the role of my hubby, so he can feel how I feel everyday- overwhelmed.
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It worked!!! It took a while, and I caught up on some much needed sleep. He didn't do any deep cleanin' but he has picked up and vacuumed and even done the dishes. He knows that I don't care on way or the other, I can look at the mess as long as he can, he just breaks faster. He also cooked me dinner two nights in a row. He's kissin' up big time, cause who knows when a pregnant wife is gonna go off. Of course I've done this before, so he knows I won't give.
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