Marriage/Divorce/Adultery

[HogynLlan]

I have a dilemma. I can't speak to my Pastor about it because he won't believe me! Please take anything I write here as absolute truth - I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum., doing so would be a huge waste of everyone's time!
I got married when I was 18, my wife was 16. I got married after only a few months of meeting. I realise now I was lonely and depressed and we were a way out of miserable lives for eachother. We had problems from the start but I stuck to it because of the compulsion to do the right thing before God. My wife did not have the same convictions which resulted in her psychologically bullying me for years. She left me in July and proceeded to have a month long physical affair with a man in a relationship and child.
I developed a peace about being single but started to reconcile for a while until I met somebody I had a real caring, wholesome connection with. At the same time my wife showed that her old self was alive and well. She is an absolutely flawless manipulator.
This new relationship I have is emotional only and is not even vaguely sexual, based around list or anything, in fact, although I would if I chose to feed it, I do not find her massively physically attractive. She makes me feel so happy, she makes me laugh, I care about her and she does me, we have amazing chemistry that I have never felt with my wife.
It makes me sick that I am married and yet I find myself emotionally reliant on another woman and vise versa. She has the same story to me, but much more extreme.
I have maybe thought to myself 'could you marry her' or when we have been stood close to physically touch but it is definitely not something I have fed and I would not enjoy - in fact the thought of going physical has sent me close to a mental breakdown. This is not built on lust.
The problem is we are both going through a divorce.
I feel a bit like the only crime I have committed is falling in love at the wrong time. Had we met 6 months down the line all would be fine.
I am scared that before God I have been unfaithful with emotions, I look to this woman for advise, comfort and to raise my spirit. I understand that I cannot repent and continue the relationship even at a later date. To repent is to say sorry and turn away.
My question is have I committed adultery? Is any relationship with this woman in the future wrong before God?
Thanks.

 

[Endeavourer]

Your wife committed adultery and gave you grounds for divorce.

However, you are not yet divorced. So....... tell this other woman that the two of you need to go your separate ways until after your divorces are final. Reconnect back then and see where it goes.

Short of that, you are technically in an emotional affair because divorcing is not equal to divorced.

"Affairages", which are marriages between two people who were in an affair, are notorious for being very unstable and unsustainable. There is a whole science paper on the many reasons why.

You would be giving your future a HUGE gift by not seeing this other woman again until both divorces are final, and then reconnecting to see where your relationship takes you. You are not respecting this other woman by courting her while you are still married, or while she is still married.

If she is that special, she deserves your respect for her marital status until she is finally divorced. It's your way of showing how much you value her. Connecting with a married woman, regardless of the circumstances, does not convey to her that you value her.

So far, I have only discussed the pragmatic side of things.

On the spiritual side of things, you are still married, so whoa these horses, get divorced and then plan your future.

I pray that God does bring you a richly fulfilling future.
E.

 

[Endeavourer]

She has the same story to me, but much more extreme.

Have you independently verified this?

This is a VERY typical representation of someone who wants to have affairs. Their spouses are all depicted as monsters.

The proof of this will be when she has final divorce papers in hand.

She may truly have this story that she has represented. But, you owe it to yourself to verify.

You are emotionally vulnerable right now. Protect yourself so you don't end up in another mess worse than the first.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Friend, though a marriage may be difficult to stay in, the closer you get to an opposite sex friend outside the marriage, the tougher avoiding sexual infidelity may be. Distance yourself from this friend, and as tough as it may be, love your wife as Christ has loved us.

 

[HogynLlan]

Endevourer:
I work with the new lady...going separate ways is difficult!
I know that the law of the land would have us down as having an 'emotional affair' but I can't work out whether having a connection with someone but not feeding it is actually adultery biblically. The biblical definition seems to be around lust. Lust of the heart also, not just physical. But this is not about lust.
I completely agree this relationship cannot start now. I had sex outside of marriage with my current wife and that caused so many problems I never saw coming - I could never make the same sort of mistake again. I would like to take time to get to know this new person first.
I just can't work out whether our relationship is already biblically illegitimate and there for can't be pursued in the future.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

History repeating its self...Your new relationship sounds too much like how you
got mixed up with your wife...You said: "I realise now I was lonely and depressed
and we were a way out of miserable lives for each other."

I highly recommend that you do talk to your minister and that you step back
from the new relationship...it's not good to be casting your eyes on
another woman when you in the midst of divorce, besides, you have your own
personal issues and faith walk to work on.
Repent of your own wrongs/sins...forgive your spouse.

Take your time...don't rebound ...for now, focus on counseling and growing in knowledge of the Lord and the Bible.
Divorce isn't a walk in the park...you're going to need time heal from
a failed marriage.

 

[HogynLlan]

Endevourer:
Her husband is a horrible man. I know first hand. He has lied to me on so many occasions. He is a control freak and an incredible manipulator. He, himself wrote the divorce papers! He gave them to her and said, you can use this and I won't fight it! He was 20 when he first 'groomed' her. She was 12 at the time. Numbers like those don't lie.
She fell pregnant at 15 and married at 16 to try and do the right thing.
Because he became a youth pastor and then a full pastor everyone else seems to be blind to it. He got sacked as an Elim minister and told he would never work for then again - he, himself told me this. He, himself has also bragged to me that he deliberately destroyed her support network last time she tries to leave. He has done exactly the same now. The pastor of my church has welcomed him and pushed his wife out of church. He is very good. I have no reason to lie here. I do know she has it much worse tha I do!

 

[Anguspure]

I have a dilemma. I can't speak to my Pastor about it because he won't believe me! Please take anything I write here as absolute truth - I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum., doing so would be a huge waste of everyone's time!
I got married when I was 18, my wife was 16. I got married after only a few months of meeting. I realise now I was lonely and depressed and we were a way out of miserable lives for eachother. We had problems from the start but I stuck to it because of the compulsion to do the right thing before God. My wife did not have the same convictions which resulted in her psychologically bullying me for years. She left me in July and proceeded to have a month long physical affair with a man in a relationship and child.
I developed a peace about being single but started to reconcile for a while until I met somebody I had a real caring, wholesome connection with. At the same time my wife showed that her old self was alive and well. She is an absolutely flawless manipulator.
This new relationship I have is emotional only and is not even vaguely sexual, based around list or anything, in fact, although I would if I chose to feed it, I do not find her massively physically attractive. She makes me feel so happy, she makes me laugh, I care about her and she does me, we have amazing chemistry that I have never felt with my wife.
It makes me sick that I am married and yet I find myself emotionally reliant on another woman and vise versa. She has the same story to me, but much more extreme.
I have maybe thought to myself 'could you marry her' or when we have been stood close to physically touch but it is definitely not something I have fed and I would not enjoy - in fact the thought of going physical has sent me close to a mental breakdown. This is not built on lust.
The problem is we are both going through a divorce.
I feel a bit like the only crime I have committed is falling in love at the wrong time. Had we met 6 months down the line all would be fine.
I am scared that before God I have been unfaithful with emotions, I look to this woman for advise, comfort and to raise my spirit. I understand that I cannot repent and continue the relationship even at a later date. To repent is to say sorry and turn away.
My question is have I committed adultery? Is any relationship with this woman in the future wrong before God?
Thanks.

From my own personal and hard won/lost etc. experience please consider what @Endeavourer has to say very carefully my brother.
I fully understand the trauma of finding the "right one" at an inappropriate time, so don't mess it up in any way or it is likely to pollute one of the best things you will find in life with the mud of adultery for the rest of your life.

 

[Endeavourer]

Endevourer:
I work with the new lady...going separate ways is difficult!
I know that the law of the land would have us down as having an 'emotional affair' but I can't work out whether having a connection with someone but not feeding it is actually adultery biblically. The biblical definition seems to be around lust. Lust of the heart also, not just physical. But this is not about lust.
I completely agree this relationship cannot start now. I had sex outside of marriage with my current wife and that caused so many problems I never saw coming - I could never make the same sort of mistake again. I would like to take time to get to know this new person first.
I just can't work out whether our relationship is already biblically illegitimate and there for can't be pursued in the future.

Hogyn, my post was not from a legal standpoint. It was from a practical standpoint.

When you are in an emotional affair, your thinking is clouded. It's referred to as the "fog". The addiction to the other person has started and so you are not giving matters concerning your marriage the clear thought they deserve.

For pragmatic and sensible reasons you need to distance yourself. ASAP.

Don't worry about whether this relationship is OK in God's will in the future for now. As long as your wife committed adultery and you didn't, your conscience will likely be clear.

But you are wiggling towards that line, too. Attractions to another person are very powerful. They are as strong as any other addiction out there and an addict can't think straight.

Keep your mind clear and your conscience free. Respect this other lady. Drop the relationship until you both have divorces. You will reap 1,000 fold benefits from that in the future if the two of you do end up together.

I'm not preaching an austere religion of pious sacrifice. I'm telling you the practical realities, and that is that affairages are WAAAYY more trouble than they're worth.

 

[Endeavourer]

Endevourer:
Her husband is a horrible man. I know first hand. He has lied to me on so many occasions. He is a control freak and an incredible manipulator. He, himself wrote the divorce papers! He gave them to her and said, you can use this and I won't fight it! He was 20 when he first 'groomed' her. She was 12 at the time. Numbers like those don't lie.
She fell pregnant at 15 and married at 16 to try and do the right thing.
Because he became a youth pastor and then a full pastor everyone else seems to be blind to it. He got sacked as an Elim minister and told he would never work for then again - he, himself told me this. He, himself has also bragged to me that he deliberately destroyed her support network last time she tries to leave. He has done exactly the same now. The pastor of my church has welcomed him and pushed his wife out of church. He is very good. I have no reason to lie here. I do know she has it much worse tha I do!

If all of this is true, then she deserves a man who respects her enough to wait for her divorce. She does not need another hustle job into another relationship.

You may not feel you are hustling, but you are. You are rushing things ahead of their time, rushing her into an affair.

You'll not die from the waiting and your future will be SO!!!! MUCH!!!! freer. Give her the gift of an unclouded future.

When things get tough in a marriage later, she will think back towards whether you respected her during your courtship, whether she was worth enough to you for you to tame your own desires for her good. It will be a sliver that grows into a cleaver. You are grievously disrespecting her by growing an affairage before your divorces are final.

I'm not saying this from a preachy standpoint - although there will be plenty that do. I'm telling you about how things will play out in your life, in the future, based on a poor decision/behavior now.

God's commandments to us are not because he wants to see us be restricted and miserable; they are because he knows the consequences to us if we do this or that so he tells us not to do it.

Statistically, a marriage to this woman will be miserable eventually. Affairages are no more successful than same sex relationships, which are also notoriously volatile. There are many reasons why but then my post would be too long.

 

[HogynLlan]

Endeavourer:
Your advise is really valuable and I do take it on board. Please, if you will, stick with me some more!
This lady and I both say exactly the same thing. That this relationship can't happen now. She calls it 'hope'. Hope that one day we could explore being more than friends.
The trouble is, I've tried all sorts to not feel the emotional bond but just seeing her and talking to her just melts my heart and I can't help but feel happy and smile. I can't look her in the eyes without knowing we have a connection. We have boundaries - we don't meet up alone, we're not supposed to text or call outside of work (but we do).
How do we go about cooling off? Feeling so connected is such an addiction! Unfortunately we have both acknowledged the connection and agreed 'not to feed it' I don't know how to help myself here!

 

[HogynLlan]

Also... I am the sensible one... I have to fight the tide! It is always I that has to step away from her standing too close, from brushing hands when things are passed and to step away from any touch. It is I that tells her not to say things that fes the fire.

 

[Endeavourer]

This:

The trouble is, I've tried all sorts to not feel the emotional bond but just seeing her and talking to her just melts my heart and I can't help but feel happy and smile. I can't look her in the eyes without knowing we have a connection. We have boundaries - we don't meet up alone, we're not supposed to text or call outside of work (but we do).

is because of this:

How do we go about cooling off? Feeling so connected is such an addiction! Unfortunately we have both acknowledged the connection and agreed 'not to feed it' I don't know how to help myself here!

You have correctly identified the problem. When you reach this point of feelings for each other, you are well into an affair, which as you are noticing, becomes more and more irresistible in spite of attempts to set boundaries.

If you don't explain to her that you both need to finalize your divorces before continuing your acquiaintance, you will be in a full blown physical affair shortly. Staying in touch with your "substance" and using will power will not work for you.

Can you be transferred to a department further away from her? For the sake of cherishing her "hope" of a happy future, you **desperately** need to stop this affair and resume contact only after both divorces are final.

This addiction is clouding your thinking tremendously. For example, if not for this growing attachment, your wife might not seem as bad as you think she is and you might be more open to recovering your marriage. The contrast effect (dreams of what's in fantasy land) versus reality (your marriage) does your marriage an enormous disservice as you wind it down.

People who are in the upswing of an affair always view their spouse and marriage as trash. Sometimes the marriage is legitimately trash, and you do have legitimate reason to divorce if she was unfaithful. Your righteous standing is eroding, however, as you pursue your own affair.

Do your self the favor of **KNOWING** that you know without your thinking clouded by your own affair.

You can go to the internet and research techniques for overcoming an addiction. Often an accountability partner can help.

Brother, if you truly care for this woman, stop contact now and wait. Don't involve her in an affairage.

 

[Endeavourer]

Also... I am the sensible one... I have to fight the tide! It is always I that has to step away from her standing too close, from brushing hands when things are passed and to step away from any touch. It is I that tells her not to say things that fes the fire.

Yes, that is an inborn male role - to protect people he cares about.

I pray you can protect her from yourself until you are both divorced.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

My question is have I committed adultery? Is any relationship with this woman in the future wrong before God?

Your current wife has committed adultery, you are free to make a choice, to either stay in your current relationship or leave.

Mat 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery:

As a Christian however, you should keep your current relationship free from sex for now, the desire to marry another is not wrong, when your current wife has cheated on you. You may remarry and God will not be displeased. Also if your current wife is being manipulative, ignore it, she has no right over you, because of her adultery.

If you were to push away the new relationship, based upon manipulation, you may find in two years time that you have neither relationship.

 

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

I have a dilemma. I can't speak to my Pastor about it because he won't believe me! Please take anything I write here as absolute truth - I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum., doing so would be a huge waste of everyone's time!
I got married when I was 18, my wife was 16. I got married after only a few months of meeting. I realise now I was lonely and depressed and we were a way out of miserable lives for eachother. We had problems from the start but I stuck to it because of the compulsion to do the right thing before God. My wife did not have the same convictions which resulted in her psychologically bullying me for years. She left me in July and proceeded to have a month long physical affair with a man in a relationship and child.
I developed a peace about being single but started to reconcile for a while until I met somebody I had a real caring, wholesome connection with. At the same time my wife showed that her old self was alive and well. She is an absolutely flawless manipulator.
This new relationship I have is emotional only and is not even vaguely sexual, based around list or anything, in fact, although I would if I chose to feed it, I do not find her massively physically attractive. She makes me feel so happy, she makes me laugh, I care about her and she does me, we have amazing chemistry that I have never felt with my wife.
It makes me sick that I am married and yet I find myself emotionally reliant on another woman and vise versa. She has the same story to me, but much more extreme.
I have maybe thought to myself 'could you marry her' or when we have been stood close to physically touch but it is definitely not something I have fed and I would not enjoy - in fact the thought of going physical has sent me close to a mental breakdown. This is not built on lust.
The problem is we are both going through a divorce.
I feel a bit like the only crime I have committed is falling in love at the wrong time. Had we met 6 months down the line all would be fine.
I am scared that before God I have been unfaithful with emotions, I look to this woman for advise, comfort and to raise my spirit. I understand that I cannot repent and continue the relationship even at a later date. To repent is to say sorry and turn away.
My question is have I committed adultery? Is any relationship with this woman in the future wrong before God?
Thanks.

This is normal stuff... the only thing I am skeptical (I thought you were going to say something unbelievable like so much in my own life) is your past wife. You are going to be highly biased there, especially as you have a new love.

Emotional relationship is very much a real relationship and the most powerful.

It is easy to 'love one and hate the other', that is the normal process.

As for imaginings on adultery and such, that is ultimately up to you. If you can't get rid of that thought, you can not get rid of it. Would you judge someone else in the same situation as having done some great evil? I would not, my own self.

I had similar situations, and worried about it, and now realize that was all silly.

The main possibility of trouble I see from what you say is not being aware of your own propensity for extreme bias.

 

[HogynLlan]

Thank you so much for your replies, you are an incredible help.
I knew and have acknowledged that I am bias against my wife. That is a mix of justifying my current position and protecting myself...my wife has always managed to arrange things so that she is the victim and has always been convincing. She left me, had an affair that failed and got back with me, we started to reconcile for a while bit she started displaying the same old behaviors. At this time I started getting close to the new lady, who is going through the same as me but MUCH worse. I told my wife (we've been living apart for a good 4 months now) that I wanted a divorce. She suspected it was because of the lady I work with. She turned to God and has now completely infiltrated my support network, before everybody at church saw what She had done (she was very proud on Facebook) and supported me in my choice to divorce. Now, nobody properly supports me and I look like the perpetrator because I have fallen in love.
Because she has become a christian and is like the model church goer now I'm supposed to give her a second chance.
Somehow I have to work out if we were ever proper friends. We got married young and had an incredibly toxic marriage. We were not mature enough to decide whether we could spend the rest of our lives with someone, we had sex before marriage and there was no time to think and step back. Within months we were married. I can't help but feel if we had taken the time to see if we were true friends that were going to fight for each other no matter what things would be different.
Maybe that was all abit too Mich of a side story but the point is I have to have an honest look at whether we there is anything there that is worth fighting for or whether it was never really meant to be and the horrible 8 or 9 years I've been through are because I am trying to do the right thing in a relationship I resent.
I don't know how to see outside of the bias and make an honest evaluation.

 

[Sketcher]

Your divorce isn't final and you got involved with another woman, therefore you did commit adultery. Your wife committing it first doesn't legitimize that.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

There be a lot of truth here in this excerpt:
“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws.
That’s just the way it is.
This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last.
You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake.
Love is something different.
Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart.
Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate.
Love is hard.
Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”
― The Great Kamryn

Once again, make double sure that "history isn't repeating itself"... no time to be in a romance without someone who isn't your spouse, your marriage and your thoughts/feelings be all over the place...self control?...apply it!
Get an accountability partner!
The Bible say to FLEE from temptation, so stop staying there and be flirting
around with it!
Run like demons from hell be after you, 'cause they are! You work with your affair/love interest...find another job or seek to be transferred somewhere else.

Not to make you mad but there's immaturity at work here...you and your wife...
both you got problems and both you and her be guilty of having affair.
Both of you need some help on how to work on your own issues and how to resolve problems in your marriage....check into marriage counseling asap!
Talk to your minister and ask him to connect you all with christian mentors who are mature in the faith and have solid marriages.