Hi brothers and sisters. My marriage has many multifaceted issues, but it looks like the central one might be a matter of geography.
My husband and I met 10 years ago and got involved with each other quickly and intensely. I was young and a brand new Christian at the time. I had very little sense of discernment and didn't realize that he might not actually be a Christian, even though he called himself one.
Shortly after we met, I got pregnant with our first baby. My then-boyfriend had no job and I had to start working. Once I saved up some money, he convinced me to move far away from our families and home state. He said it was necessary for his happiness and sanity. This was a significant move: 10 hours away from everyone we know, multiple states away, into a very remote region. It was a huge shock for me since I grew up as a city girl, but I was up for the challenge if it meant making my man happy.
At the time, I didn't think it meant we would be stuck there for 10 years even if it wasn't working. I figured we would go back home if it didn't work. But, even when we were literally living off our parents' dollar, that wasn't enough to convince my husband that this is not working. And now we're embedded in many dysfunctional patterns, and the move is still not eligible to be called a failure in his eyes.
We got married before we had baby #1. That's when we started to have big problems. Suddenly, I found myself in an extremely isolated situation with a guy who I barely knew and who was treating me terribly. Again, I was up for the challenge, but things were pretty ugly at times. When I was in labor with baby #1, he cursed me out for a relationship I had before I even met him. Unfortunately, this became a harmful destructive pattern and it's been going on for 10 years. Let's go ahead and call it what it is: emotional and verbal abuse.
I expected things to get better with time, but this pattern repeated itself again and again. Sometimes things got worse, like when he decided to pick up drinking, which he had never done before. That added a layer of violent verbal abuse.
I can now look back and see that, in a way, things have improved. He doesn't go on quite the level of rampage he used to, but anyone with a conscience would become sick to hear how he still treats me. There is a pattern of him mistreating me then apologizing, and then I forgive him. And this pattern repeats again and again. Add significant social and geographical isolation to the problem and... wow, I've been having a really hard time.
When I started having serious health issues recently, I needed to lean on him. The problem is that he didn't let me do that. Or he would let me for a moment, and then curse me out for being weak. He refused to take me to the emergency room one night when I really needed to go. I feel extremely foolish now, because my doctor said I could've died that night (and several times during this illness). But I believed my husband when he said I was being *expletive* dramatic.
I got to a breaking point a couple weeks ago where I got fed up with his harmful behaviors and how I've been enabling them, and I decided to separate from him. It has been surprisingly effective, at least in the words he's using to convince me. I didn't intend for it to be anything other than a means for me to get out of harm's way. But now he's telling me me that he'll do anything to takes to get me back, even if it means compromising some things that make him comfortable.
But there's one thing he won't give up. And that's living isolated in the boondocks far away from everyone we know and love. He said that there, he has everything that makes him happy, except me. And it doesn't sound like he'll give it up to make our marriage and lifestyle more sustainable. Even if he did, he would hate me till the end of our days together. And I do mean hate. I made him quit drinking before, and he poured vitriolic resentment out on me, every single day. So what did I do? Cave in and let him drink. So I know how it will play out if I "make" him leave the place he loves.
The problem is that we've never been able to build a support network there. I have a very small church and two friends in that entire state whom I can trust. And both of those lovely ladies work full-time and can't drop everything and help me when I need them. One of them is a believer and she does what she can for me, but she has her own life. Also, I'm just not that close with them.
My family, however, can drop everything to help me. And they have done that now, sacrificing days of their time and hundreds of dollars to help me get safe and separated from my husband. So, now I'm in our home state with my family, trying to convince my man to join me here. There are good reasons I want to have our lives here:
- We have a healthy number of family members and friends who are able and willing to help us out.
- We have three kids. They would benefit from social opportunities and good schools. The schools in the remote location are awful. I mean, they're so bad that staff members actually have been convicted of hitting children. And the leadership doesn't change in spite of this. Horrible.
- We have a special needs child who needs an additional layer of support that is difficult or impossible to get in a very rural location.
- We are in an awful financial situation because of living in a remote location for so many years. I have an insane amount of debt in my name that I can't even pay since we're so broke. There are many more opportunities for higher-paying jobs in our home state.
- I am at least somewhat healthier in our home state. I don't know if there's a science to it, or if I'm simply less stressed because I'm supported and not isolated.
However, my husband isn't convinced by these reasons. He is comfortable and happy in the remote area. I feel very sad and frustrated. I just want a sustainable lifestyle that helps our kids grow up in a functional, stable environment. Even if that means dealing with traffic and having fewer woods to trek through, I'm okay with that.
I don't want to divorce my husband. I want to be married till the end. I want to work through all the problems - even the emotional, verbal, and substance abuse. I want to raise our kids together. I feel confident that with enough time and energy, things could greatly improve. The Lord has thankfully given me a great deal of patience.
However, I am feeling defeated about this geography thing. There's nothing I can say to get through to my husband. He doesn't like sitting in traffic or fighting crowds. It makes him anxious, which is why I moved up to no man's land in the first place. I wanted to give him a good environment to be a good dad. But he's insisting on living somewhere that doesn't work for the family, at our expense, for his benefit.
So, what do I do?
I can deprive our kids' future and let my health suffer, to be in the place that makes him happy.
Or I can stay in the place where we have significant support and more opportunities, even if he doesn't come along.
Or, is there a way I can convince him to be with us, that doesn't cause lifelong resentment and bitterness?
My husband and I met 10 years ago and got involved with each other quickly and intensely. I was young and a brand new Christian at the time. I had very little sense of discernment and didn't realize that he might not actually be a Christian, even though he called himself one.
Shortly after we met, I got pregnant with our first baby. My then-boyfriend had no job and I had to start working. Once I saved up some money, he convinced me to move far away from our families and home state. He said it was necessary for his happiness and sanity. This was a significant move: 10 hours away from everyone we know, multiple states away, into a very remote region. It was a huge shock for me since I grew up as a city girl, but I was up for the challenge if it meant making my man happy.
At the time, I didn't think it meant we would be stuck there for 10 years even if it wasn't working. I figured we would go back home if it didn't work. But, even when we were literally living off our parents' dollar, that wasn't enough to convince my husband that this is not working. And now we're embedded in many dysfunctional patterns, and the move is still not eligible to be called a failure in his eyes.
We got married before we had baby #1. That's when we started to have big problems. Suddenly, I found myself in an extremely isolated situation with a guy who I barely knew and who was treating me terribly. Again, I was up for the challenge, but things were pretty ugly at times. When I was in labor with baby #1, he cursed me out for a relationship I had before I even met him. Unfortunately, this became a harmful destructive pattern and it's been going on for 10 years. Let's go ahead and call it what it is: emotional and verbal abuse.
I expected things to get better with time, but this pattern repeated itself again and again. Sometimes things got worse, like when he decided to pick up drinking, which he had never done before. That added a layer of violent verbal abuse.
I can now look back and see that, in a way, things have improved. He doesn't go on quite the level of rampage he used to, but anyone with a conscience would become sick to hear how he still treats me. There is a pattern of him mistreating me then apologizing, and then I forgive him. And this pattern repeats again and again. Add significant social and geographical isolation to the problem and... wow, I've been having a really hard time.
When I started having serious health issues recently, I needed to lean on him. The problem is that he didn't let me do that. Or he would let me for a moment, and then curse me out for being weak. He refused to take me to the emergency room one night when I really needed to go. I feel extremely foolish now, because my doctor said I could've died that night (and several times during this illness). But I believed my husband when he said I was being *expletive* dramatic.
I got to a breaking point a couple weeks ago where I got fed up with his harmful behaviors and how I've been enabling them, and I decided to separate from him. It has been surprisingly effective, at least in the words he's using to convince me. I didn't intend for it to be anything other than a means for me to get out of harm's way. But now he's telling me me that he'll do anything to takes to get me back, even if it means compromising some things that make him comfortable.
But there's one thing he won't give up. And that's living isolated in the boondocks far away from everyone we know and love. He said that there, he has everything that makes him happy, except me. And it doesn't sound like he'll give it up to make our marriage and lifestyle more sustainable. Even if he did, he would hate me till the end of our days together. And I do mean hate. I made him quit drinking before, and he poured vitriolic resentment out on me, every single day. So what did I do? Cave in and let him drink. So I know how it will play out if I "make" him leave the place he loves.
The problem is that we've never been able to build a support network there. I have a very small church and two friends in that entire state whom I can trust. And both of those lovely ladies work full-time and can't drop everything and help me when I need them. One of them is a believer and she does what she can for me, but she has her own life. Also, I'm just not that close with them.
My family, however, can drop everything to help me. And they have done that now, sacrificing days of their time and hundreds of dollars to help me get safe and separated from my husband. So, now I'm in our home state with my family, trying to convince my man to join me here. There are good reasons I want to have our lives here:
- We have a healthy number of family members and friends who are able and willing to help us out.
- We have three kids. They would benefit from social opportunities and good schools. The schools in the remote location are awful. I mean, they're so bad that staff members actually have been convicted of hitting children. And the leadership doesn't change in spite of this. Horrible.
- We have a special needs child who needs an additional layer of support that is difficult or impossible to get in a very rural location.
- We are in an awful financial situation because of living in a remote location for so many years. I have an insane amount of debt in my name that I can't even pay since we're so broke. There are many more opportunities for higher-paying jobs in our home state.
- I am at least somewhat healthier in our home state. I don't know if there's a science to it, or if I'm simply less stressed because I'm supported and not isolated.
However, my husband isn't convinced by these reasons. He is comfortable and happy in the remote area. I feel very sad and frustrated. I just want a sustainable lifestyle that helps our kids grow up in a functional, stable environment. Even if that means dealing with traffic and having fewer woods to trek through, I'm okay with that.
I don't want to divorce my husband. I want to be married till the end. I want to work through all the problems - even the emotional, verbal, and substance abuse. I want to raise our kids together. I feel confident that with enough time and energy, things could greatly improve. The Lord has thankfully given me a great deal of patience.
However, I am feeling defeated about this geography thing. There's nothing I can say to get through to my husband. He doesn't like sitting in traffic or fighting crowds. It makes him anxious, which is why I moved up to no man's land in the first place. I wanted to give him a good environment to be a good dad. But he's insisting on living somewhere that doesn't work for the family, at our expense, for his benefit.
So, what do I do?
I can deprive our kids' future and let my health suffer, to be in the place that makes him happy.
Or I can stay in the place where we have significant support and more opportunities, even if he doesn't come along.
Or, is there a way I can convince him to be with us, that doesn't cause lifelong resentment and bitterness?