Man am I depressed...

[mlukas]

Ok, the title doesn't really say it all. And I'm not really seriously depressed. But here's my beef.
I frequent the forums, particularly the married forums and peruse the posts and just get DEPRESSED. Particularly the ones about couples who's sex life is just AWFUL due to just, really, nothing. Ex: "I just don't like sex..." "Sex feels like an obligation..." (how can something that feels THAT good be an obligation? I ask you...HOW???) "I only do it becuse my husband likes it..."
I see the fingers ready at the keyboard for some hate mail, but let me say this: A great sex life IS important in a marriage no matter what anyone may say! It is not THE only component but to quote James Dobson "When it's good it's 10% of the marriage, when it's bad it's 90%"
Are there any good marriages left? Even in Christandom? Aren't we both ordered by God to fulfill the desires of our mates? Sexual and otherwise? If it's this bad within the walls of the church I shudder to think what it may be like outside the walls!
Somebody hand me my bottle of Merlot!
But I digress...
I guess I may be one of the lucky few. My wife loves sex. I love making love to my wife. Things are great and frequent.
I love it
Anyone else out there with good news? I can't imagine I'm the only one with a great sex life!
Come on people! Give me some hope here!

 

[leothelioness]

I know. It is pretty depressing to hear people talk about how sex just isn't worth it anymore. Especially when they have kids to worry about. The effect it has on me is that I'm afraid that when I get married and have kids, my sex life will die. And what is a marriage without sex?

I've seen many marriages fall apart because of lack of sex and intimacy in the marriage. I can only hope this misfortune does not befall me. Very depressing indeed.

BTW, is that you in your avatar?

 

[kamikat]

Well, keep in mind that most people only need to talk when there's something bad going on. I doubt the people with great sex lives will shout about it. As for having kids and losing the drive, alot of that is hormonal. Once the hormones settle down, the sex drive returns. Same with menopause. Personaly, we have a great sex life even through 2 kids and busy lives. You have to work at it ans yes sometimes you do it because he wants. For women, the less you do it, the less you want to do it. If you keep a somewhat regular schedule, even when you don't want to, the feelings will eventually be there, assuming there isn't something else big inn the marriage.
kamikat

 

[nowhereville]

Well, flip it over and look at the other side. LOL

Imagine if everyone who had a great sex life came here and posted about it - you'd think wow, that's not so godly to be talking about sex in that way all the time.

One of the biggest "things" in the body is the "perfect mask" we put on when we're face to face in chruch or around other christains. I want the freedom to say (this doesn't really apply anymroe, but you know what I mean) My marriage sucks. Why don't we have "my marriage sucks classes".

You see how important a healthy sex life is - flip that over and imagine how sad it is to NOT have one.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

I hear whatchya sayin, bout readin depressin topics an the like, but here's a tip. DON'T read the depressin topics! It's like a body complainin bout some mother breastfeedin, no ones holdin a gun to your head! Stop lookin! LOL

Anyways, my wife an I have a great sex life. It has tapered off a bit of late, but it's mainly cause I'm not home much cause of my work. But look out when I'm home... couple lil spring rabbits le'me tell ya.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Sex really isn't that important. Maybe it is the years of battling infertility, but for my husband and I we love on each other so much during the day that at night time there is only one reason for sex, the ending, and it just isn't that important. When we do have it, it is great. But it just isn't a priority, we have a great marriage so why would it be depressing that we just don't think sex is that important?

 

[Autumnleaf]

I wonder if this dissatisfaction among people with sex is related to antidepressant drug use. If I were a researcher...

 

[mlukas]

Sex really isn't that important. Maybe it is the years of battling infertility, but for my husband and I we love on each other so much during the day that at night time there is only one reason for sex, the ending, and it just isn't that important. When we do have it, it is great. But it just isn't a priority, we have a great marriage so why would it be depressing that we just don't think sex is that important?

With all due respect, I can't really imagine any red blooded male NOT thinking sex was a priority in a marriage!
Besides, when are love and sex exclusive of each other? I think that is just a really off base assumption. It's not all about the ending [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]! It's about the fun and intimacy leading up to it too!
Addicted2~Jesus-LOL! You have a point!
kamikat- Very good advice and answer
leothelioness-If you marry a great guy and heed kamikat's advice, your sex life will be fine.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

With all due respect, I can't really imagine any red blooded male NOT thinking sex was a priority in a marriage!
Besides, when are love and sex exclusive of each other? I think that is just a really off base assumption. It's not all about the ending [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]! It's about the fun and intimacy leading up to it too!
Addicted2~Jesus-LOL! You have a point!
kamikat- Very good advice and answer
leothelioness-If you marry a great guy and heed kamikat's advice, your sex life will be fine.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, like I said it could be from years of battling infertility, this changes sex for both people. I pray you never have to go through it.

 

[gracefaith]

My wife loves sex. I love making love to my wife. Things are great and frequent!

Good for you. Why are you worrying about anybody else's sex lives? If it bothers you to hear about it, don't read it.

My husband and I have a quite satisfied with one another. I don't feel the need to brag about this fact or look down on any else who might be struggling. To be quite honest, I think the whole world (Christians and non-Christians included) waste too much energy obsessing over the subject already.

 

[mlukas]

I'm not obsessed with it but you have to admit, there's a fair amount of forums about it. Like I said in my first post, it just makes me wonder what is wrong in Christiandom. Especially given the fact that so many preachers, Christians, etc, brag about how great married life and sex is suppose to be. Believe me, I got an earful of it growing up in the church. Then, in my first marriage, reality set in. And it really sucked.
Just an observation, not an obsession...

 

[gracefaith]

I'm not obsessed with it but you have to admit, there's a fair amount of forums about it. Like I said in my first post, it just makes me wonder what is wrong in Christiandom. Especially given the fact that so many preachers, Christians, etc, brag about how great married life and sex is suppose to be. Believe me, I got an earful of it growing up in the church. Then, in my first marriage, reality set in. And it really sucked.
Just an observation, not an obsession...

It's not what's wrong with Christendom. It's what's wrong with the human race. We're fallen. As a result, that which was meant to be very good is often very bad.

I think this idea that Christians should automatically have fabulous sex is about as misplaced as the idea that Christians should automatically be fabulously wealthy. Being a Christian doesn't mean you are suddenly uneffected by the results of the fall.

 

[indagroove]

It's not what's wrong with Christendom. It's what's wrong with the human race. We're fallen. As a result, that which was meant to be very good is often very bad.

I think this idea that Christians should automatically have fabulous sex is about as misplaced as the idea that Christians should automatically be fabulously wealthy. Being a Christian doesn't mean you are suddenly uneffected by the results of the fall.

Very true. Over then last 40 years, we have become a society of

• "what's in it for me"
• "What can you do for me"
• "what have you done for me lately"

So if I go into a relationship thinking she owes me, or she has to make me happy, it is doomed from the start.

In God's model, it's about what we can do for the other. Our personal joy comes from God. From God's love, we give to our spouse, unconditionally, and selflessly

If I love my wife with everything I have, and expect nothing in return, I receive dividends that cannot be measured.

So priorities need to be set.
Who will we please first?

1. God (I try)
2. Wife
3. me

Even with 4 kids in the house, my wife and I remind each other that it is her and I together against the rest of the world. Satan will use everything, specially the kids, to beat us down.

We have never had excuses for not being there for each other. But we also are very sensitive to each other and know when the other is too tired to romp around.

So I guess I am saying in my testimony, We both love God, and thank him everyday for his endless love and grace. A biblically based marriage is AWESOME, and very fullfilling !

 

[jacquidube]

Very true. Over then last 40 years, we have become a society of

• "what's in it for me"
• "What can you do for me"
• "what have you done for me lately"

So if I go into a relationship thinking she owes me, or she has to make me happy, it is doomed from the start.

In God's model, it's about what we can do for the other. Our personal joy comes from God. From God's love, we give to our spouse, unconditionally, and selflessly

If I love my wife with everything I have, and expect nothing in return, I receive dividends that cannot be measured.

So priorities need to be set.
Who will we please first?

1. God (I try)
2. Wife
3. me

Even with 4 kids in the house, my wife and I remind each other that it is her and I together against the rest of the world. Satan will use everything, specially the kids, to beat us down.

We have never had excuses for not being there for each other. But we also are very sensitive to each other and know when the other is too tired to romp around.

So I guess I am saying in my testimony, We both love God, and thank him everyday for his endless love and grace. A biblically based marriage is AWESOME, and very fullfilling !

What a great testimony indagrove. I pray God will show myself and my husband the way to love one another and appreciate each other through thick and thin.

Sex is a very private matter between both partners and only God should know if there are problems or not.

A biblical based marriage..... I like that.
Our marriages are usually based on what the world is doing. I cant imitate what others have because we are all unique. Unique in a way that we are able to sastify our partners in a very private environment without anybody else telling us if we are doing it right or doing it wrong.

Mlukas I do understand what you are saying. Sex is not usually good because of stress, family, infertility and all we seem to be doing is moaning about it. Thank God that He has blessed you with a wonderful partner and lets pray for those people who are having problems. I am sure the people who are having problems didnt have them at the beginning of the relationship. It just needs work and lots of prayers.

God bless you.

 

[jacquidube]

Satan will use everything, specially the kids, to beat us down.

This really spoke to me too. Its great that you notice the problem when it occurs.

 

[MaraPetra]

You know, I always have to wonder why people need to have this "mask of perfection" at their home church, if they profess to be Christian. Problems? Nope, God's good, never been better. Wife's got a libido, husband doesn't need Levitra, the marriage is perfect, the kids are wonderful and the cat's charming.

Meanwhile, underneath the facade, things are brewing...Things like the checking account bouncing like a rubber ball, the teenage son's got rotten test scores, the spouses are arguing over a porn (or shopping, gambling, emotional, chemical) addiction, the family car is about to lose its transmission, and the cat's knocked up for the second time this year.

And guess what? According to their home church, everything's just peachy.

So it's really not surprising that people take their problems to an online message board, where no one who hears their problem will be sitting across the pew from them next week and possibly secretly judging them for their issues.

It's a sad situation, because throughout time, the Church is there for its congregation's problems. Even Jesus said, "Trouble will come, but woe to those who bring that trouble!" I guess people are so wrapped up in the social aspects of the church, so pressured to be a "perfect Christian", that they forget that God's servants (our brothers and sisters in Christ) are supposed to be there for bad times as well as good.

Yep, I've got good things going on in my home right now. My husband comes home tomorrow, after being gone for two weeks...And to quote A2J's charming assessment... "Spring bunnies"! Yeehaw!!!

I could complain about a lot of things in my life, but I just can't complain about the sexual aspect.

It functions. We're happy. We have spare towels.

 

[LynnMcG]

I can understand what you're saying. But there are so many variables, how couldn't there NOT be bad sex?

Some people have sexual pasts that affect this sexual present. Some people suffer from depression. Some people are so exhasted from one-sided relationships that sex is just another thing that has to be done. I've heard all of these reasons, and more on this site. And I can see how valid these reasons can be.

All I can do is take care of my husband's needs as he takes care of mine.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

Sex really isn't that important. Maybe it is the years of battling infertility, but for my husband and I we love on each other so much during the day that at night time there is only one reason for sex, the ending, and it just isn't that important. When we do have it, it is great. But it just isn't a priority, we have a great marriage so why would it be depressing that we just don't think sex is that important?

These sorts of posts drive me crazy. Sorry to hear you feel that way.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

These sorts of posts drive me crazy. Sorry to hear you feel that way.

Why?

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

Anyway, my reply to the OP, is that my hubby always gives me everything I need for love, affection, time, emotional needs, etc....... so of course I love sex.

But I have never been molested, and vnever dated anyone except the guy I married. That probablyt makes a huge diffeerence.

Also, we both try to keep our marriage top priority and to be very open about our wants and needs.