making plans to seperate

[joaddi3]

hi guys, hoping for some fellowship and advise...my husband and i have been together for 11 years, and married for almost 7. my husband has always been very unhelpful and neglectful of his health. he currently weighs approximately 500 lbs. his health, as you can imagine, has gotten really bad. he can hardly walk or do anything else. i have begged, pleaded, cried, threatened, and everything else to get thru to him. my biggest fear is finding him dead. this is something that i have had to deal with daily and i have finally reached my breaking point. he knows i want out. he knows i am miserable. he knows that i am not joking. here is my question...am i sinning by leaving the marriage without him being unfaithful? what about him being unfaithful to taking care of us and stuff like that? i can't live like this anymore, and as it is, i'm trying to hold on until july 1.

 

[SearcherKris]

Well, if he is neglecting to provide for you (do you have children?) then that counts as abandonment, even if he is still there.

I'm sorry that you are facing this. What does he say when you talk about leaving?

 

[joaddi3]

now he promises to change...that's the saddest part...it took me to completely shut down and stop caring

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he weighs that much can't you just cut the flow of calories to trim him down to size?

 

[joaddi3]

If he weighs that much can't you just cut the flow of calories to trim him down to size?

sounds simple enough...except that he doesnt want to do it. when i cook healthy foods, he stops and gets fast food on his way home and refuses to eat what i make. he is beyond self destructive and i'm not sure how to explain how severe.

 

[SearcherKris]

Honey, you have to stick to your guns.

You told him you wanted to separate, and now he says he wants to change. Great!

If he does change forgive and forget.

If he does not, then forgive anyway, but stick to your word.

Sometimes leaving someone is the best thing you can do for them.

 

[joaddi3]

Honey, you have to stick to your guns.

You told him you wanted to separate, and now he says he wants to change. Great!

If he does change forgive and forget.

If he does not, then forgive anyway, but stick to your word.

Sometimes leaving someone is the best thing you can do for them.

i kinda feel that way too...maybe if i'm gone, he will finally take care of himself...either way, my heart isn't in it anymore

 

[Autumnleaf]

sounds simple enough...except that he doesnt want to do it. when i cook healthy foods, he stops and gets fast food on his way home and refuses to eat what i make. he is beyond self destructive and i'm not sure how to explain how severe.

Take out a life insurance policy on him and start buying all his comfort foods. It seems 'whatever' but it might work miracles.

 

[joaddi3]

Take out a life insurance policy on him and start buying all his comfort foods. It seems 'whatever' but it might work miracles.

lol good point...just have to say the words now..."it's over please leave"...

 

[Autumnleaf]

lol good point...just have to say the words now..."it's over please leave"...

I wonder if giving him the food and taking out the insurance will give him a reality check.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

The vows are... in sickness and health. If a man had written your post the women would be all over it. It is not responsible or a caring thing for a person to do to let their health deteriorate so that they die early or make themselves unable to enjoy life with the family; but it is not a reason to leave.
I have never known an overweight person who wanted to be overweight or hurt their health. He isn't doing this to hurt you or the family. He probably doesn't know why he overeats or he would've been able to stop. But, by you confronting him about his eating you are probably making him eat more because stress is a trigger for many people. Just like alcoholics or smokers; the person has to be ready to make the changes. You can't make them ready. Obesity is not just about overeating. There are psychological reasons for the stuffing. He needs to figure out what they are in addition to finding the motivation to want to lose and finding a program that will work.

He may look repulsive to you right now, but any really obese person is going to have a hurting heart that is only going to be more crushed by his wife and family leaving him. Please go to God in prayer about this and pray for God's guidance for you and for your husband's strength in choosing life. If you can get your mindset into a sincere, loving one; approach him and tell him you don't want to lose him and will help support him when he's ready to get healthy. Then stop talking about what he's eating. Make the healthy foods for the family and stock up the house with healthy stuff. Keep junk food out of sight so that temptation will be gone.

My top weight was in the low 200's (non-pregnant) at 5'6". Once I finished nursing school I lost 10 pounds just from finishing that stressful time in my life. My blood pressure remained slightly elevated despite regular exercise and I realized as a nurse that I either needed to lose weight or start on BP pills for my cardiovascular health. I picked up the phone to call my Dr., but realized that my pride didn't want hypertension on my record. Pieces started falling into place and I was led to Weight Watchers. The point system was exactly what I needed to give me the structure and knowledge I needed. I lost 45 pounds in 8 months and have been at that weight for 7 months. Everyone "knows" you need to eat healthy, but this program showed me how to do it.

Buy a Weight Watchers magazine and leave it where he can pick it up. The before/after stories are motivating.

I had a bf last year who also had about 20 pounds to lose and thought he could motivate me by criticizing my looks and commenting on my food choices. I can tell you it hurt deeply and did nothing positive.

 

[joaddi3]

The vows are... in sickness and health. If a man had written your post the women would be all over it. It is not responsible or a caring thing for a person to do to let their health deteriorate so that they die early or make themselves unable to enjoy life with the family; but it is not a reason to leave.
I have never known an overweight person who wanted to be overweight or hurt their health. He isn't doing this to hurt you or the family. He probably doesn't know why he overeats or he would've been able to stop. But, by you confronting him about his eating you are probably making him eat more because stress is a trigger for many people. Just like alcoholics or smokers; the person has to be ready to make the changes. You can't make them ready. Obesity is not just about overeating. There are psychological reasons for the stuffing. He needs to figure out what they are in addition to finding the motivation to want to lose and finding a program that will work.

He may look repulsive to you right now, but any really obese person is going to have a hurting heart that is only going to be more crushed by his wife and family leaving him. Please go to God in prayer about this and pray for God's guidance for you and for your husband's strength in choosing life. If you can get your mindset into a sincere, loving one; approach him and tell him you don't want to lose him and will help support him when he's ready to get healthy. Then stop talking about what he's eating. Make the healthy foods for the family and stock up the house with healthy stuff. Keep junk food out of sight so that temptation will be gone.

My top weight was in the low 200's (non-pregnant) at 5'6". Once I finished nursing school I lost 10 pounds just from finishing that stressful time in my life. My blood pressure remained slightly elevated despite regular exercise and I realized as a nurse that I either needed to lose weight or start on BP pills for my cardiovascular health. I picked up the phone to call my Dr., but realized that my pride didn't want hypertension on my record. Pieces started falling into place and I was led to Weight Watchers. The point system was exactly what I needed to give me the structure and knowledge I needed. I lost 45 pounds in 8 months and have been at that weight for 7 months. Everyone "knows" you need to eat healthy, but this program showed me how to do it.

Buy a Weight Watchers magazine and leave it where he can pick it up. The before/after stories are motivating.

I had a bf last year who also had about 20 pounds to lose and thought he could motivate me by criticizing my looks and commenting on my food choices. I can tell you it hurt deeply and did nothing positive.

ok here goes...i myself am obese...i have struggled with my weight my whole life...once i had my kids i came to realize that i was slowly killing myself...you are preaching to the choir on that one. i am also an active member of weight watchers myself. my issues are not with his appearance (don't think i ever said i was repulsed by him). i am leaving because he does not care about himself. i've been with this man for 11 years, trust me when i tell you, i'm not being flip about this. if he doesnt care about me, how in the world is he going to be able to care about me and our kids?? sticking my head in the sand and standing beside him has done nothing but make me angrier and heavier. i am struggling right along with him. when i cook healthy, he stops at mcdonalds on the way home. when i buy healthy snacks, he brings home cookies and pies. i am not his mother and i am not able to make him save himself. i did not sign up for that.

 

[SearcherKris]

I don't think this is merely a matter of "in sickness or in health." Sickness is not something someone chooses.

Her husband unwillingness to even attempt to save himself is entirely different from someone who has a thyroid or metabolism problem or is attempting to make life saving changes for themselves.

He's not only destroying his own health, he is, in effect, abandoning his wife and children.

 

[Firedup]

It sounds like you both need a support system. Is there anyway you can speak with a minister that is willing to listen to both of your needs and pray for your marraige?

 

[joaddi3]

I don't think this is merely a matter of "in sickness or in health." Sickness is not something someone chooses.

Her husband unwillingness to even attempt to save himself is entirely different from someone who has a thyroid or metabolism problem or is attempting to make life saving changes for themselves.

He's not only destroying his own health, he is, in effect, abandoning his wife and children.

what you are saying right here is exactly the point i am trying to make. i am very much not the "kick 'em when they're down" type...i love my husband. a part of me is hoping that with us gone, he will save himself.

 

[joaddi3]

It sounds like you both need a support system. Is there anyway you can speak with a minister that is willing to listen to both of your needs and pray for your marraige?

i forgot to mention that he is not a christian. he is not open to going to church.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I don't think this is merely a matter of "in sickness or in health." Sickness is not something someone chooses.

Her husband unwillingness to even attempt to save himself is entirely different from someone who has a thyroid or metabolism problem or is attempting to make life saving changes for themselves.

He's not only destroying his own health, he is, in effect, abandoning his wife and children.

I'm having trouble believing that I'm reading that people are supporting someone leaving their spouse because of unhealthy eating habits. How can you justify this Biblically? Since the OP has stated that she is obese, she can understand that it is like a sickness. People don't want to be obese. Yes, most of the time it is about choices that people make one step at a time day by day. There is a mental component to it.

You can't say he's abandoning his family because he is still here. Obesity is bad for the health, but he may be like one of those 90 year old smokers who outlives most of us.

I'm curious about a few things. Since his Christian status has been brought up and is probably an issue; OP, were you a Christian when you married him? If so, did you know that God did not want you to marry an unbeliever? Did he eat healthy before you got married?

I only dated non-Christians before I married my ex, so I know how that goes. At the time I married my ex he said he had become a Christian, but I didn't listen to those who loved me to wait and see if he produced fruit. My kids and I paid for that heavily. I also dated a man who ate the worst type of food possible on every date, never exercised, and showed no concern for his health and it was one of the things that I considered. But, dating is different than marriage.

Bad eating habits are not a valid reason to get divorced. If he's emotionally abusing you are the kids, then that is a whole other issue, but that isn't what the thread is about. And I have to second the counseling suggestion. You shouldn't end a marriage unless it's the very last resort and you're sure you can sleep well at night despite hearing your kids cry after having their dad removed from the house.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Also, if you research what the "experts" say about marriages, you'll find that most will tell you that separation is usually the beginning of the end. It's not a good method for saving a marriage. You have a lot more leverage when you're still living together. If safety is an issue, then of course separation is in order.

I separated from my ex and it took 5 months before my ex would go to counseling with me. He kept firing every counselor when they told him something he didn't like, but that was a lot of wasted time.

You do realize that you will be in fact abandoning your husband if you leave?

I am not unsympathetic to your situation. I stayed in a miserable marriage hoping and praying it would get better. Despite my ex being emotionally abusive to my son and me, I found my son in the backyard one day sitting on the ground crying quietly. The only thing that could give me peace was knowing that gettting my son and his unborn sister out of that situation was really in his best interest. If you can't say that, the guilt can be crushing.

Have you thought about the future and what Christmas and Thanksgiving will be like when it's not your turn?

 

[joaddi3]

Also, if you research what the "experts" say about marriages, you'll find that most will tell you that separation is usually the beginning of the end. It's not a good method for saving a marriage. You have a lot more leverage when you're still living together. If safety is an issue, then of course separation is in order.

I separated from my ex and it took 5 months before my ex would go to counseling with me. He kept firing every counselor when they told him something he didn't like, but that was a lot of wasted time.

You do realize that you will be in fact abandoning your husband if you leave?

I am not unsympathetic to your situation. I stayed in a miserable marriage hoping and praying it would get better. Despite my ex being emotionally abusive to my son and me, I found my son in the backyard one day sitting on the ground crying quietly. The only thing that could give me peace was knowing that gettting my son and his unborn sister out of that situation was really in his best interest. If you can't say that, the guilt can be crushing.

Have you thought about the future and what Christmas and Thanksgiving will be like when it's not your turn?

do you not consider being emotionally abandoned abuse??? how about a steady dose of dealing with someone who is pretty much suicidal. ever been afraid to go home from work because you are afraid you will find your spouse dead??? ever wonder what to do with the kids if it does happen??? if so, have you had that haunt you on a daily basis??? ever dealt with someone who could care less whether they live or die, in spite of the fact that they have 3 beautiful children who would be crushed if it happened??? i was not a christian at the time i married him...i was as a younger person, but i had backslid prior to meeting him. his diet was not spectacular when i met him, but it was NOTHING like it is now...if it was, i would never have married him...because of certain people , i have avoided going to my church because i don't want to hear that because i married him, i am now nothing more than his doormat. like i said before, this is not something that i take lightly...that is why i am seeking fellowship with my brothers and sisters here at cf.. God is a forgiving God and he knows my heart.

 

[flicka]

do you not consider being emotionally abandoned abuse??? how about a steady dose of dealing with someone who is pretty much suicidal. ever been afraid to go home from work because you are afraid you will find your spouse dead??? ever wonder what to do with the kids if it does happen??? if so, have you had that haunt you on a daily basis??? ever dealt with someone who could care less whether they live or die, in spite of the fact that they have 3 beautiful children who would be crushed if it happened??? i was not a christian at the time i married him...i was as a younger person, but i had backslid prior to meeting him. his diet was not spectacular when i met him, but it was NOTHING like it is now...if it was, i would never have married him...because of certain people , i have avoided going to my church because i don't want to hear that because i married him, i am now nothing more than his doormat. like i said before, this is not something that i take lightly...that is why i am seeking fellowship with my brothers and sisters here at cf.. God is a forgiving God and he knows my heart.

I don't usually post over here but this caught my eye. I'm really sorry for what you are going through and I understand a little how you feel. People don't understand. That's true for every marriage. Nobody but the people in the relationship can fully understand. When there is trouble in a marriage and you try to put it into words you only scratch the surface of the situation. In your case your husbands weight and eating habits. I don't have your particular marital problem but when I try to voice my own to others I know I can't possibly express the big picture, the complete effect things have on me, my physical, mental and emotional health, the compilation of things that just make life unbearable. I can't express it because there are no words. I'm sure this is the case with you as well.

People want to find easy solutions to complicated problems. They want to give textbook answers to things that aren't found in any textbook. And they are often unfit to offer advice but do it anyway.

Anyway, I wish I had something more to offer.