I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.
All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.
Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.
So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".
I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?
Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?
Even in the best of marriages there is always going to be disagreements but just because a married couple may have an occasional argument or one might say a harsh word to the other from time to time, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love and cherish one another.
But what it comes down to is how those disagreements and conflicts are handled and unfortunately you may have been around married couples and have grown up with parents and grandparents who did not apply the right principles to their marriages.
There is a set of principles that, if applied, can produce wonderful strong and steadfast marriages but the reason why many marriages either fail or are filled with so much conflict and tension is because one or both spouses are not applying to the relationship the right set of principles.
Many people get married for all the wrong reasons with all the wrong expectations and then they separate or divorce for all the wrong reasons. I have been married for what will be twelve years coming this July and when people ask how long I’ve been married, and I tell them, they are amazed at how long my wife and I have been married. They don’t know how we’ve managed to stay together for as long as we have.
And I know that the reason why they don’t know how our marriage has lasted as long as it has is because they don’t know the right set of principles to make a marriage work. And those set of principles that my wife and I apply to our marriage come from no other source than the Bible.
Even before I met my wife, I already knew the following requirements for a lasting marriage had to be met in a wife:
1. That there would be with her spiritual, moral, and doctrinal like-mindedness in all matters essential.
2. That she would be honest, trustworthy, and faithful to keep herself for me and me alone and to stay with me under any given circumstance.
3. That she would love me for the person that I am and nothing more.
4. That she would be understanding, kind, compassionate, and quick to forgive.
5. That she would be supportive of all that God has placed on my heart to do.
All of the above was basically the kind of woman I prayed to receive and was given to me and I have had no regrets since. Those who think love is some kind of pheremonic reaction obviously do not know what love is. That physical/emotional attraction might bring two people together but it will not keep them together. The kind of love that keeps two people together is a love that goes deeper than a mere emotion; a love that can only be described as being selfless.
The 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians gives us the most insight into what that kind of love is; a love that is based on a set of actions. It is not a love we apply when we feel like it, but it is a love that we also apply even when we do not feel like it. It is a love that we choose to practice without relying on the feelings to motivate us but instead, we simply allow the feelings to follow our actions instead of leading our actions.
The love as the world and people whom you’ve been around understand it as a love founded on romantic feelings and erotic sensuality shared between a man and a woman and even that which is supposed to be shared only between a man and a woman is misapplied in some cases, but this is not the thread to discuss how that “erotic” “romantic” love that God intended to be only between a man and a woman has been applied in ways contrary to what He intended it to be used for.
An entire study or thread could be devoted to discussing what love is and what love isn’t. Love that lasts goes beyond the feelings that come and go but sadly the love that is supposed to be applied in marriages does not go beyond the romantic and erotic but stops there and when the romantic and erotic fade, selfishness sets in and hearts become hardened.
The love that is to be put into practice is what is described in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8:
“Charity (love) suffereth long (is patient), and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vauneth not itself (does not put itself forward) is not puffed up, (arrogant) Doth not behave itself unseemly (is not rude or shameful) seeketh not her own (puts the interests of others before itself) is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”
When you put into practice any or all of the above, you are performing acts of love, even when the feelings of love are not there. When you perform an act of kindness, you are doing an act of love. When you forgive a wrong, you are performing an act of love. When you demonstrate tolerance in non-essential differences, you are performing an act of love. Much more could be said.
The acts of love as described in scripture are choices that we make in our conduct towards one another. If they were consistently applied to marital relationships by both parties therein, divorce would be unheard of and there might not be such a thing as a miserable marriage.
Before sin, God created marriage for two reasons, but to understand the intent and purpose of marriage, you have to understand why God created women. When God created man, God said that it was not good for man to be alone. (Gen 2: God knew that the man was in need of intimate companionship and a companionship of such tremendous intimacy that none of the animals were made capable of providing such a need.
And so God created Eve be that very companion and helper that Adam needed. The secondary reason for marriage was for the production of offspring, (Gen. 1: ) but after sin entered into the world by way of Adam’s disobedience in his eating of that forbidden fruit of the tree from which God told Him not to eat, the containment of sinful passions and wickedness became a more important reason to marry (1 Cor. 7:2, 5, 9) which then has demoted reproduction and the raising of children to reason number three instead of reason number two, but as to why I say that would lead into a different discussion altogether.
Two threads that ought to be started at this point are these: “What Is Love?” and “The Purpose Of Marriage.” I do not know if I’m yet permitted to start any new threads myself yet but anyone else who knows that they are permitted to start new threads on these topics are welcome to go ahead and do so if they feel so led but if new threads covering these subjects were started, I would have a means to expound even further without the risk of going off-topic.
Though you seem to hate the idea of marriage based upon personal yet misguided experiences, you cannot allow yourself to be led into judging marriage based upon what you have experienced even from a second-hand perspective, but you need to view marriage as God intended it to be, and that it requires looking at marriage from a biblical perspective.
It also sounds as though despite your present contentment with the single-life, you still appeared to express desire to have a close and intimate relationship with a woman. That clearly states that you have not been granted the ability to live a single life without falling into sin and while I would not go so far as to outright accuse you of attempting to justify sin, judging by your post, you are dangerously close to doing just that.
I strongly advise that you throw yourself at the mercy of God Almighty and ask Him to conform your perspective of marriage to His perspective so that you do not fall into sin. Furthermore, what kind of a woman could you view yourself spending the rest of your life with? And are the standards you are setting in your mind reasonable and realistic? Yet even before that, you need to spend some time examining yourself to determine where it is you stand on those virtues most fundamental. Where do you stand spiritually, morally, and doctrinally? Once you have determined that, you will then need a woman who is of like mind; that is first and foremost.
And what you want her to be to you, you must also likewise be to her.
If you want her to be one whom you can trust to fulfill her marriage vows in any given circumstance, you must be willing to do the same for her no matter what comes your way.
If you want her to be supportive of whatever dreams, goals, and ambitions you have, or at the very least, issue no objections, you must likewise be the same to her.
If you want her to be someone who is quick to forgive when you do something wrong, (and you will; you are only human after all and fallible at that) you must also be ready to give the same in turn because she is not always going to do everything right and proper either.
If you want someone who is going to keep herself for you and you only, you have to be the same way.
If you want her to be unselfish, you have to be unselfish. A healthy marriage requires self-sacrifice on the parts of both husband and wife because marriage is not about what the husband can do for the wife nor is it about what the wife can do for the husband. It is about what both can do for one another.
If you want her to be understanding, you have to be that way to her.
If you want her to love and receive you for the man that you are and not for what you have or can do, be ready to love and receive her for the kind of woman she is.
If you want her to rejoice in your successes, rejoice also in hers.
If you want her to bear with your failures, be ready to bear with her failures.
If you want her to stay by your side and to comfort you should you suffer a devastating grief or loss, be ready to do the same for her.
If you want her to celebrate your greatest joys, celebrate her greatest joys.
If both of you will do these things and devote yourselves to Christ Jesus, you will have a wonderful marriage.
Do not call evil what God has called good. Marriage is not dirty or banal for it was made by God. Your sadly warped perspective of it, however is. My prayer for you is that you will meet and get to know married couples who will serve as an example of what a marriage in the eyes of God should overall be and that you will not be discouraged by their faults, and that your perspective on marriage will be cleaned up so that you will then view it as the attractive institution that God made it to be.
