Low sex drive--check list

[tall73]

PLEASE NOTE: This thread is not to discuss what the correct frequency of sex should be between a married couple, or to discuss how it is better not to have sex. It is assumed that neither wants to compel the other to have sex, etc. Please start a different thread if you wish to address those.

This thread is to address a recurring issue in this forum. One partner, or both, has a non-existent or very low sex drive. Unless both both partners agree that low frequency is fine this can often be a painful situation in marriage. The difficulty can often be hard to pin down.

This thread is a list of factors that can contribute to the situation. It is a conversation starter for a couple to engage in together.

-Abuse
-Anxiety about sex
-Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
- Child birth (late pregnancy, immediately after child birth, nursing, etc. can all play a role)
-Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
-Drugs, prescription or otherwise
-Erection difficulty
-Guilt over previous sexual activity
-Hormone levels
-Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
- Lack of attraction
- Lack of sleep
- Lack of nutrition
- Mental Health (depression, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, etc.)
- Never had drive
- Obesity (impact on libido, also body image)
-Pain during sex
- Physical damage to mechanism
-Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
- inappropriate contentography
-Premature [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
-Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage (cheating, or excessive masturbation, etc.)
-Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
-Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
- Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive


I will add to the list as others make suggestions and discuss the various elements.

Because there are so many factors that can play a role, it is good to have a game plan as to how to get to the issue. As you discuss, check all that you think could apply.

If after going through the list the cause is not obvious then it may be best to prioritize. A trip to the doctor can rule out physical causes (damage, hormones, etc.), then you can start looking at other dynamics. And if it is related to health, waiting to address this will leave you spinning your wheels.

After that you can address more relational issues. If you cannot resolve it on your own, consider counseling.

 

[Dave-W]

Amen good list.

It would be advisable for every engaged couple to be in counseling and go thru all those points to eliminate as much baggage as possible BEFORE the I DOs.

 

[EmmaCat]

Ok so I need to go to counseling because I had a recent kidney transplant and can't have sex for a bit.

We never need to judge each other. There are different circumstances which involve the sex, it isn't good to make a list such as this, because it makes me look as a fail.

I am NOT a fail. Neither is anyone else.

All good things
Emmy

 

[EmmaCat]

PLEASE NOTE: This thread is not to discuss what the correct frequency of sex should be between a married couple, or to discuss how it is better not to have sex. It is assumed that neither wants to compel the other to have sex, etc. Please start a different thread if you wish to address those.

This thread is to address a recurring issue in this forum. One partner, or both, has a non-existent or very low sex drive. Unless both both partners agree that low frequency is fine this can often be a painful situation in marriage. The difficulty can often be hard to pin down.

This thread is a list of factors that can contribute to the situation. It is a conversation starter for a couple to engage in together.

-Abuse
-Anxiety about sex
-Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
-Depression
-Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
-Drugs, prescription or otherwise
-Erection difficulty
-Guilt over previous sexual activity
-Hormone levels
-Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
- Lack of attraction
- Lack of sleep
- Lack of nutrition
- Never had drive
-Pain during sex
- Physical damage to mechanism
-Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
- inappropriate contentography
-Premature [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
-Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage
-Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
-Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
- Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive


I will add to the list as others make suggestions and discuss the various elements.

Because there are so many factors that can play a role, it is good to have a game plan as to how to get to the issue. As you discuss, check all that you think could apply.

If after going through the list the cause is not obvious then it may be best to prioritize. A trip to the doctor can rule out physical causes (damage, hormones, etc.), then you can start looking at other dynamics. And if it is related to health, waiting to address this will leave you spinning your wheels.

After that you can address more relational issues. If you cannot resolve it on your own, consider counseling.

Before I got the transplant, explain different work hours. Explain couples who work opposite shifts. Explain how that works.

We have made it work. Explain that.

With your list, you put all the blame on women.

And yes, I never had sex until I was married. Ben and I agreed upon that. Explain that.

While it is well to do a list such as this, it is not right. I do hope no one takes this seriously. People's sex issues are very private, and this will only disturb folks.

Please, folks, disregard this and if there are sex issues, don't look to the internet like this. These are no answers.

All good things
Emmy

 

[*LILAC]

What about "not in the mood" or "too tired" even though enough sleep is had and attention being given?

 

[tall73]

Ok so I need to go to counseling because I had a recent kidney transplant and can't have sex for a bit.

No, you would not have to. There are times where you cannot have sex due to physical difficulties.

We never need to judge each other. There are different circumstances which involve the sex, it isn't good to make a list such as this,
because it makes me look as a fail.

It is something to help couples talk, not judging you or anyone else. No one is a fail. It it just a tool for folks to talk over if they perceive an issue.

 

[tall73]

What about "not in the mood" or "too tired" even though enough sleep is had and attention being given?

It is possible certainly to not be in the mood. But if someone is never in the mood, that could be a problem.

Do you suspect any others on the list playing a role?

 

[tall73]

Before I got the transplant, explain different work hours. Explain couples who work opposite shifts. Explain how that works.

We have made it work. Explain that.

If you made it work, that is great.

With your list, you put all the blame on women.

No I didn't. In fact one of them could not possibly effect women at all, and most could apply to either. In the various threads posted on this over the years it seems there are quite a few examples of both genders that struggle in this way.

And yes, I never had sex until I was married. Ben and I agreed upon that. Explain that.

Neither did I. Nor did I say you should, nor is this thread about that.

While it is well to do a list such as this, it is not right. I do hope no one takes this seriously. People's sex issues are very private, and this will only disturb folks.

Please, folks, disregard this and if there are sex issues, don't look to the internet like this. These are no answers.

All good things
Emmy

Actually a number of folks on this forum have benefited from figuring out some of the possible reasons so they have a way to talk about it together.

If it doesn't help you, fine. You need not use it.

As to people's private lives, I didn't ask for details, and they wouldn't need to provide them to use the list as a conversation starter among themselves.

 

[Deidre32]

I'm a member on a marriage forum, and this comes up a lot, and sometimes, one of the spouses is cheating. I think you should add to the list that it can be an excuse to simply avoid a partner. "We have different sex drives,'' is an easy thing to push a partner away, so counseling would be a good first start, instead of a last resort, if you're never having sex, or it's happening on rare occasions.

 

[tall73]

I'm a member on a marriage forum, and this comes up a lot, and sometimes, one of the spouses is cheating. I think you should add to the list that it can be an excuse to simply avoid a partner. "We have different sex drives,'' is an easy thing to push a partner away, so counseling would be a good first start, instead of a last resort, if you're never having sex, or it's happening on rare occasions.

Yes, we have seen that here as well. The "- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage" was meant to cover that, but I will put in brackets (cheating) to make it more clear.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Probably one of the most complicated issues that a couple -- most all couples must deal with in some kind of way.

As a Christian my starting point goes back with Adam and Eve. Since the fall things have not been perfect between man and woman. Once they shared in sin together they were destined and their descendants were destined for a life of troubles.

I have known fairly young ones with practically no libido. It's very hard on those married couples. All of the medicine in the world seems to be of no help for them.

And then I know of many men who may have gotten a little slow but, with the help of a little pill seem to be very happy today.

Counseling for these types of problems may help some but, I have truly seen little success when used.

Seems like either a couple has it going on or they don't.

And having to work in regards to getting it going on just does not seem natural?

Most will have to learn to live with and work with what they got. Doing our best each day to love the other.

Remembering to put them above ourselves -- much easier said than done.

M-Bob

 

[Dave-W]

What about "not in the mood" or "too tired" even though enough sleep is had and attention being given?

the guy that says that should be repenting before God for that attitude. No one should frustrate his wife like that.

 

[tall73]

Probably one of the most complicated issues that a couple -- most all couples must deal with in some kind of way.

As a Christian my starting point goes back with Adam and Eve. Since the fall things have not been perfect between man and woman. Once they shared in sin together they were destined and their descendants were destined for a life of troubles.

I agree, that most couples will have to deal with differences in drive at some point along the line. Some of it due to fluctuating schedules, health, etc. is unavoidable. I guess the key to my thinking is avoid what you can!

I have known fairly young ones with practically no libido. It's very hard on those married couples. All of the medicine in the world seems to be of no help for them.

That one is a tough scenario. And if they know that ahead of time if they find someone on the same page that can actually work just fine.

And then I know of many men who may have gotten a little slow but, with the help of a little pill seem to be very happy today.

Good example of where seeing the doctor might help.

Another example is pain during sex, which can be from a number of sources, but can many times be resolved.

Counseling for these types of problems may help some but, I have truly seen little success when used.

It all depends on the problem. If the relationship is strained to begin with then the sexual issues may often resolve without much direct attention once that is attended to.

If it is a case of the guy never being educated on how well over 50 percent of women need direct stimulation in addition to intercourse, it may be a quick education piece that solves a lot of issues. And that is where Dave-W's suggestion is very helpful. Good premarital counseling can, as part of the overall program, recommend resources that explain the process from a Christian perspective.

Seems like either a couple has it going on or they don't.

I think the trend in a marriage may look like that for some. On the other hand, I think a lot of couples go through phases, depending on business, planning, and relational and health aspects. There can be improvement in some cases.

And having to work in regards to getting it going on just does not seem natural?

To a degree, but if your hormones are off and you can get them back to where they should be then it seems natural again, and may help with other areas of health.

Most will have to learn to live with and work with what they got. Doing our best each day to love the other.

Remembering to put them above ourselves -- much easier said than done.

M-Bob

That is definitely necessary no matter what else happens.

Good post to get us thinking.

 

[ValleyGal]

A couple of things I think should be on the list include obesity - not just loss of attraction to an obese spouse, but rather excess weight can cause lower libido. Additionally, many people struggle with body image when they have excess weight.

Another thing I think very much belongs on the list is the use/misuse of inappropriate content/masturbation. Study after study shows that the more men (studies like this are typically done with men) use inappropriate content and touch, it affects not only their sense of what is beautiful, but also sets them up to have partners who are unable to fulfill those "needs" (which are not actually needs, since unspent sperm is simply [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] during sleep or reabsorbed into the body. inappropriate content and masturbation affects men's ability to achieve adequate erection, and may become unable altogether, without the use of medications at a very young age. As well, when a husband uses inappropriate content, it very often makes a wife feel inadequate, incapable, and not good enough. She often wonders if her husband is thinking of her or of the image on the screen. She is often feeling used as an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] receptacle rather than a cherished human being worthy of her husband's fidelity.

Oh... another thing that came to mind is the time it takes. A normal lovemaking session will consist of 10-30 minutes of foreplay, and 7-13 minutes of "sex" (in any activity). Seventeen to 43 minutes is what is "typical" - yet with inappropriate content use, there are often times when men are simply unable to reach [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] within that time.... and three hours later, she is still trying to figure out how to provide him with the touch that will tip the score. In that kind of time, it could feel more like a chore that takes a lot of work that she does not want to do anymore because she's lost the "mood." This can lead to not even wanting to get started, especially if she has a busy life and needs sleep.

So there are three more that can be added to your list.

 

[Paidiske]

You included depression, but I'd add mental health issues more broadly (generalised anxiety, PTSD, etc etc). Also stuff to do with pregnancy and childbirth; and if the wife is breastfeeding, that can create both physical and mental/emotional issues.

 

[Dave-W]

A couple of things I think should be on the list include obesity

You included depression, but I'd add mental health issues more broadly (generalised anxiety, PTSD, etc etc). Also stuff to do with pregnancy and childbirth; and if the wife is breastfeeding, that can create both physical and mental/emotional issues.

Obesity, pregnancy and nursing all have significant effects on the hormonal balance.

In men, excess body fat can turn testosterone into estrogen. (not conducive for male libido)

 

[Paidiske]

Obesity, pregnancy and nursing all have significant effects on the hormonal balance.

Yes, and they can all also affect the man's perception of and feelings towards the wife, too. Some men, for example, find that they have a mother/wife dichotomy and are uncomfortable about sex with a nursing mother.

 

[WolfGate]

tall73 - good list and I agree it can be helpful for a couple to talk about different things on the list if they have an unmatched drive. Sometimes, and you covered it essentially in the "never had drive" category, it turns out the two people are just made with a different biological drive. So I think when going through the list it becomes important to be doing so from the viewpoint of "is there anything wrong that can be fixed or is this how God made you and I?" and not from the viewpoint of "we need to find out what is wrong". If it is simply how they are made, then need then shifts to the couple figuring out how they love and meet the needs of each other. Hopefully, by working through the "is anything wrong" discussion, that would have set a measure of trust and dialogue that would make the "how do we love each other" discussion easier, as it is also a potential emotional minefield if not handled well or ignored.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes, and they can all also affect the man's perception of and feelings towards the wife, too. Some men, for example, find that they have a mother/wife dichotomy and are uncomfortable about sex with a nursing mother.

That is also true.

 

[OK Jeff]

What about "not in the mood" or "too tired" even though enough sleep is had and attention being given?

Those are excuses given due to one or more of the above reasons