Love

[Observer]

I feel vulnerable and weak and anxious and... ugh. There are worse things going on in the world right now... but I can't get rid of this feeling and it's eating at me. I'm in a relationship with someone and we both love each other. Everything is usually fine, but then sometimes I just get this horrible feeling. I feel vulnerable and anxious because I feel like he can completely control my feelings sometimes, and that is REALLY scary. He can just say one thing or be in a mood or anything, and I can get really anxious or fearful, or insanely jealous, and I hate it. Sometimes it actually feels GOOD to feel those horrible feelings, but then sometimes it just feels disgusting and I can't take it. I hate that he's able to control my feelings when he makes me feel bad. He usually doesn't make me feel anything negative, but then there are a few times here and there when it happens, I guess it's probably normal, but it just feels awful and I don't know how to handle it or control it. I'm just too sensitive sometimes. He doesn't WANT to hurt me and he's not a bad person... but I just can't seem to control these feelings. Maybe they're irrational, I have no idea, I feel so confused. I've prayed about this... but I feel like I need advice from somebody. I just don't know how to handle these feelings. It feels so intense and I don't know what to do about it. Love feels all over the place and too much for me sometimes. I love him, but when this happens, I’m not sure if I WANT to love him, because I’m afraid. I don't want someone to be able to control my feelings in a negative way so easily. I don't want to be weak like this.

 

[TheMainException]

Well...seems to me that you are so in tune with him and so in love that whatever he feels...so do you...or something a kin to it...maybe you wanna talk with someone close but older? Like a pastor's wife or something?

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard to feel that way about someone you love and want to trust. But an important issue to sort through at this point is, do you feel he's manipulating you on purpose, to be controlling, or do you think your feelings are a natural respose to a fear of getting hurt? From what I've read it seems you fear losing control over your own emotions because then someone might hurt you. We all go through that stage. But these relationships are always a risk. Friendships are a risk, too.

What I use in my own life in general, is to pray about each situation in life and ask God to put me on His course. That way if some friendship doesn't work out (the romantic chapter of my life is complete, so I'll use the example of friendships), I don't lose joy over it because it's God's plan for my life. It might not hurt, either, to take a look at his life and see how he handles situations. How does he handle commitments? Does he take them lightly, or does he make sacrifices to keep them? Does he value his friendships, or does he put his own wishes first and let the chips fall where they may? How long do his relationships last? That sort of thing. Before you give him your heart, it might not be a bad idea to look into it and see what he values most about your relationship. Is it an appreciation of things that are permanent, and is it selfless, or is it based on things that are subject to change? Because, if the anxiety is over a fear of getting hurt, is it a general fear, or is there something he's doing to cause it?

Blessings to you.

 

[perfection]

I think your exposing yourself too much to him. Maby it 'll be better if you close down a bit, just a bit so you will gain a normal attitude towards him instead of getting insanely jelously or whatever. It might serve you good to take a time to reflect you have a life of your own to live too. Don't lead his life, lead your own. Be together, but still with some breathing space you know.

 

[Mustaphile]

What your feeling is normal. It's what love bring us to do. I like what has been talked about above. Loving someone does entail risk. Putting your heart on the line is something you will do over and over in your life, and sometimes you will get heartbreak in your efforts to express your love. There is a balance to love too. You need to be a couple, but you need to be yourself too. Initially there is great temptation to lose yourself in the other person. In doing so you can lose your own identity and only find your identity with the other person. There is still a 'you' though and you need to respond to it on occasion. It's a bit like an elastic band between you and he. Love will keep drawing you close, but your need to still have your own identity makes you want to draw back. Time will be the only thing that answers this question, but you really need to find out whether he is deserving of your implicit trust. You've given him much already, so it's not like you are holding back all your love. Your progressing towards a point of loving him completely. When the pain comes draw back, because their is good reason for the pain. Talk to him about the pain. Help him to understand that you need to respond to it because it's real to you. If he is mature enough in his ability to love you, then he will know how to comfort you and bring you back to him. If he is not mature enough to love you, then he might dismiss your pain as silliness and irrational behaviour. You have real and valid feelings, that are based on a real sense of fear, and even if he might think they are irrational, they are not. He needs to show his love for you by confirming that he can be responsive to your pain or insecurity. To do this, he will need to open his heart to you and express his own love towards you by allowing you to feel that pain. If he won't allow you to feel that pain, if he won't comfort you in your pain, then you have some solid ground for holding back your unconditional love and implicit trust towards him. Communication is the key. Talk about it all with him and get him to talk to you. Being honest about our feelings is the beginning of coming to an understanding about what is happening in the relationship.

 

[Wolflily]

The extreme emotions you are struggling with have less to do with 'love' than a form of co-dependency. You have wrapped up your identity so closely with this person that you cannot function without his impact in your life. It's an obsession. You really must, for your own sanity and health, get some professional help to assist you in identifying the root of your behaviors, and to heal wounds that have caused these patterns to form. You need God and godly people to love you and accept you for who you are while helping you on your way to wholeness. I've been where you are and it almost killed me. I pray you will find a clear way out of this place where you can see yourself and those you surround yourself with, with some objectivity. It may be a long hard road, but the blessings to your personhood will be well worth the work!

 

[`Lee]

What your feeling is normal. It's what love bring us to do. I like what has been talked about above. Loving someone does entail risk. Putting your heart on the line is something you will do over and over in your life, and sometimes you will get heartbreak in your efforts to express your love. There is a balance to love too. You need to be a couple, but you need to be yourself too. Initially there is great temptation to lose yourself in the other person. In doing so you can lose your own identity and only find your identity with the other person. There is still a 'you' though and you need to respond to it on occasion. It's a bit like an elastic band between you and he. Love will keep drawing you close, but your need to still have your own identity makes you want to draw back. Time will be the only thing that answers this question, but you really need to find out whether he is deserving of your implicit trust. You've given him much already, so it's not like you are holding back all your love. Your progressing towards a point of loving him completely. When the pain comes draw back, because their is good reason for the pain. Talk to him about the pain. Help him to understand that you need to respond to it because it's real to you. If he is mature enough in his ability to love you, then he will know how to comfort you and bring you back to him. If he is not mature enough to love you, then he might dismiss your pain as silliness and irrational behaviour. You have real and valid feelings, that are based on a real sense of fear, and even if he might think they are irrational, they are not. He needs to show his love for you by confirming that he can be responsive to your pain or insecurity. To do this, he will need to open his heart to you and express his own love towards you by allowing you to feel that pain. If he won't allow you to feel that pain, if he won't comfort you in your pain, then you have some solid ground for holding back your unconditional love and implicit trust towards him. Communication is the key. Talk about it all with him and get him to talk to you. Being honest about our feelings is the beginning of coming to an understanding about what is happening in the relationship.

I agree completely. Try what Mustaphile mentions here and see what God does. I'll be praying for you Observer.

God Bless,
Mike Lee