Lost!

[JJ_79]

I have no idea what i am doing anymore, This is what i wrote in my Journal......

This is my Fourth Entry for 2005:

My life is still a mess. Nothing seems to be going right in my life. I feel depressed again.

A family friend's daugther that i know got married today. I should be at the wedding receptation as i write this down. But i decided not to go since i always had a thing for her, and it hurts my heart that she is married now. I am happy for her, but seeing her with her husband will be to painful for me.

I can talk to Angela now, which is a good thing, but everyone on CF that i sent pm's to haven't replied back to me I guess i scared them away.

A lot of things have been on my mind lately. I hate my dad, he has never been a father or guided me. His way of helping me is by providing me a place to stay. Which i am grateful for but he never really been a father. He is out with his frirends or other people, and hardly ever spends time with me or talk to me. He just don't know how to be a father.

I miss my mom a lot she died when i was 17 years old cause of breast cancer. She had it since i was 5 years old. She helped me and guided me up to i was 17. Now i feel all alone i have been guiding my self since then. But life has been bad for me since she died back in 1997.

I feel all alone i have cousin's, and relatives on my mom's side of the family in Canada but i don't keep in touch with them anymore. Since i always have to be the one to initate things. I feel they don't care about me anyways since they don't email me or call me anyways.

So to me i have no family on earth, i am all alone.

I feel like a loser and can't attract women or get a gf cause i am short 5'1 and a half. Being this short and asian its impossible to find a girl that likes me. I haven't really ever had a gf

Than another thing on my mind is school i have no idea what i am doing with my life anymore. I have no career at my age and i am almost 26 years old. 26 in August.

I haven't be able to belive in god an lost my faith with him again for the last 4-5 months ago.

I have no idea why i wrote this in my journal. I just been so stressed out lately. I can't hold it all in anymore, so i decided to write about how i feel in my journal.

 

[swordsman]

Oh man.... I can soooo relate to this. I'm around the same age as you too.

If I could hug you right now, I would man! Sharing something like this is hard to do.

You're NOT a loser!! You are precious in God's sight (Isaiah 43:4). Don't give in! Fight it out! If satan or anyone calls you a loser....IGNORE IT! because it's not true! So much of what you said, I could relate to it! Especially the career bit, the age, the girls part, the family bit to an extent. Perhaps you have it harder than me bro, but take note of this: God USES people like you!! God used Gideon (people would've considered him a loser) to knock off the Midianites. God used a shepherd with a sling to knock off a terminator in Goliath. God is using ME in amazing ways too! and God will use you TOO!!! God does things in such humble ways man!... I'll send you my testimony if you want. Don't give up on God...whatever you do! He LOVES you!

 

[JJ_79]

Thanks for the encouragements mikkey. But i have lost my complete faith in god for months. I don't know what to belive in anymore.

My life since i first accepted god as my personal lord and savoir was back in 1999. But my life since then has been a roller coaster ride when it comes to my faith. I have extremely high and lows when it comes to my faith.

I feel at times it would be better if i am dead, but i know i don't have the balls to go and kill myself.

I dunno life was okay for me, but when i stopped going to school in 1999, and when i first made my commitment to god, my life has been extremely hard and difficuilt.

I turned my life around a bit in 2003. I went back to school and did some more upgrading. In 2004 i went into an Electronics Program but it was not for me.

I guess it could be worse. Even if i have a bad job at least i have one, and i have some good friends, and some female friends as well....

I feel like a complete jerk i know i should have went to her wedding yesterday but i didn't go

 

[ArmouredSaint]

praying you're going to feel better about this soon.wont preach but when you're at your lowest,thats when your carried along.take care

 

[JJ_79]

I would like to thank everyone that took the time to reply to my post. At the time i was feeling really down and depressed. But i am feeling a bit better right now. Thank you for those that prayed for me. I sorta started to pray and read the bible again.... I still feel my life is a mess but i can feel god's presence again.