Lost wife

[izmouse]

Seroquel 100mg
Topiramate 100mg 2-2.5/day
Clonazepan 3/day
Effexor xr 150mg 2/day
That is what the wife takes. I have asked how she could be on these meds w/o therapy, I have been told this is the way the world is. Now remember my wife is a 41yr old Christian who has been to church every Sunday for the past 41yrs, she believes she is beyond doing wrong, well that 1 mistake she will never live down. I hear you about laying off, allow her to get back what she's lost BUT I can not remain married to a woman who see's nothing wrong w/ seeing her BF, THAT JUST JUST AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!! I have been good to her w/ the exception of when she brings up the past and her desires (she still wants to play FV and be a part of her lovers life, she says I forced her to quit, but what I was told in MC was to tell her I couldn't be married to a woman who had a on-line BF, I would have to DIVORCE a woman like that). I might have been better off leaving when she came home from California, I had no idea how bad this was. I am learning a lot from you all, keep the info coming. Cheaters Chat- Pick and choose the info you want, there are some good stories about people who make it work and I need to hear about good marriages after the Affair.
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

Oh I see. What is the name of the book the councilor gave you about anger management? Is it some kind of book telling you how to deal with angry people?

Does your wife have a seizure disorder? Topiramate (Topomax) is an anti-seizure med. They do use antiseizure meds for bipolar disorder (mood stabilizer) as well but usually they use depakote or neurontin for that but since they also have her on seroquel she can't have those.
Clonazepan (Klonopin) is also an antiseizure med that they sometimes use as an anti-anxiety. It is a benzodiazpine. I have serious reservations about this drug. I have seen more than one patient walk around constantly crying their poor hearts out unable to understand why they were even crying because of this drug. Once off the constant crying stopped. It also has an increases risk of causing suicidal depression. I acutally think the "geniuses" that decided this drug could be used as an anti-anxiety were off their rockers! Yeah it can deaden anxiety, walking zombies don't have anxiety problems now do they?

Seroqil is an atypical anti-psychotic for crying out loud! Not only that it is one I would be scared to death to let anyone I love dare swallow this. There is increased risk of DEATH from this drug. If your wife ever has slow or difficult speech, sudden dizziness, passes out or numbness and or weakness in arms or legs, RUSH her to the ER. There is increased risk of suicide on this drug as well.

Effexor is an antidepressant. Out of all these drugs it is the safest one and the last one she should try to wean off of. Once she ever decides that those other drugs are actually poisoning her she may even NEED this one to help her get off the others.

I keep looking at this list of meds and become more and more concerned. Schizophrenics are on this combination of meds. Did anyone ever diagnose her as such or as a rapid cycling manic depressive? If not she should NOT have even been considered for such a drastic drug regime.

When did she get put on these meds? I must be very honest when I say this to you. If your wife was put on all this crap after you were married she is not the woman you married and she is not even capable of being her again for as long as she is forced to take these drugs. I am shocked you didn't come here saying "my wife lays around all day sleeping more than she is up"

Was she always angry and controlling? Some of these meds (seroquel in particular) have rage outbursts, irritability, impulsiveness, hostility along with other very negative mental health side effects for possibilities.

PLEASE tell me none of your minor children are being fed these poisons? Seroquel can lead to diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, sudden cardiac death. If your children are on this drug do whatever you have to do to get them off them. Taper it down slowly and get them OFF of it.This drug is even more dangerous to a growing child.

Indeed YOU may have been better off leaving your wife when she came back from California but if you didn't take all four kids with you they would have been a lot worse off. They NEED you. Especially if you left behind the ones that are being physically poisoned with excessive drugs they DO NOT need. No one needs a drug like seroquel.

I am not one that feels we only need God for all our healing. I believe God gave us medicine and a lot of the good that has come from modern medicine but the greed of man has tainted it and it must be looked at through the lenses of reality. Antibiotics good, insulin good, hormone replacement for other endocrine problems good, surgery for appendicitis good, abortion evil, seroquil evil.

 

[izmouse]

The book is "The Anger Trap" Written by Dr. Les Carter. As far as how she was when I first met her....3-4 different personalities, I often asked the nice J to come out. I don't think she's possessed but she does have a mood disorder from what I can tell. Yes the girls are on the same meds plus a lot more. They take 5-7 pills a day. It is crazy but @ the time I was told by my wife it was best for them.
Before the affair my wife told me 6-7 times she was going to "KILL" me, do you think she was going to kill our marriage? Or do you think she was going to KILL me dead? I've asked her about it a few weeks ago and she claims she loves me. One of her hang ups is watching shows that show how to get away w/ murder. Should I be scared? Relieved?
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

Unfortunately I cannot say for sure whether your wife had been saying she was going to kill you physically or emotionally without knowing the context in which it was said. It is disturbing though that she is watching those type of television shows.
Whether she loves you or not isn't real relevant in the sense that people would physically kill others. Once people have gone off the deep end with their mental ability to reason properly they can wind up thinking very negative things and think it equals love, up to and including murder.
I have heard of patients that were suffering from psychosis and killing their own children and sadly they genuinely believed by doing it they were saving them from some great evil. They were "sending them up to God to be kept safe"
Has she ever physically been violent in such a way that made you think twice about what she was really trying to do? Indeed someone can come up and punch us square in the face but their intent was not to literally kill us but to inflict physical pain on us or scare us into bending to their will.
if you feel fear for your life there is usually a real good reason behind it. People with control issues can be "pushed over the edge" and wind up committing all kinds of violence and even murder if they feel as though they have lost all control and have no other way to regain it.
I know I had to use a lot of caution in just how much "control" I was going to take back from my husband at a time because I was deeply concerned with him snapping and killing me but I didn't fear it as long as he felt as if he had control. Although he had given me VERY good reason to question this.
I had made a comment that perhaps we could sell my old RS SS Camero car (that he pushed me into buying in the first place) because we needed money for something and that car was just sitting there unused. He flew off his chair so fast I couldn't react before he had me by the throat and slammed into the wall strangling me and threatening to kill me if I ever dared to sell that car. There was a part of me that knew he wouldn't kill me right then and there and I reacted to his violence in kind anyway.
I actually was shocked by my own reaction and ability to overpower him and have him running for his life (literally because I was screaming at him I was going to kill HIM) I chased him up the steps and stood screaming through the locked door at him that if he ever laid another hand on me I would kill him with my bare hands and if that didn't work I would kill him in his sleep.
The scariest thing of all in all of that was I feared MYSELF more than him after that. I am a VERY patient docile gentle human being who avoids fighting like the plague and yet I did this and I meant it.

 

[izmouse]

90% of the abuse is mental. 10% is physical. My wife and I have always had this "throw down" thing when we fight. The angry one is thrown down on the bed and kissed til she smiles. I have been throwing her down for 23 years, it has always seemed to work. Now the physical abuse...broken nose, swollen cheek, bruises, WAIT!!! the broken nose was in fun, it was an accident. But there are several things that are not funny. I was in tears one night about her talking to her BF, she just didn't understand why I was so upset. I was laying down on the bed and she got on top of me. She said 4 times "I love you" Each time she said "love" came another blow to my head, I was bruised and swollen the next day. Another day I was asking her to understand why a BF was bad, why the games had to stop, she asked if I had a knife, (I always have a razor sharp knife on me, I have a collection) I gave her my knife and she said "is it blood you seek? I'll give you all you want" as she ran it across her arm (the knife was dull, I had used it on some concrete and forgot to sharpen it). The first cut showed no blood so she did it again. The scratches lasted 10 days. Other than that I've been hit, punched, and pinched. She is on strong drugs @ night so she'll never attack while I am asleep and she is afraid not to take them. I think I may have hit her once about 20yrs ago. While her BF was around I had found a bunch of PM's from her to him we were fighting about the computer, she was pushing me and I her, she lost her footing and fell, she had several bruises the next day. In her mind I am the cause of all the fighting, she is only living her life and I am unhappy w/ her, she doesn't understand why. Wait, she did admit last weekend she was crazy to think it was OK to have a husband and a BF and playing FV for so many hrs, yes she admitted it!! Her exact words "anybody could see I was out of my mind, to have him on my computer, all those hrs, and play so much, it was crazy."
Other than that she's not violent, even most of the punches are just her way of releasing tension and don't hurt. She never hits the kids, neither do I, we use the "time out" rules and has worked 90% of the time.
Guns were removed the day she returned from California, she has a very good eye for shooting.
izmouse

 

[Maremma]

Well it is sad that there is anything negatively physical going on at all between the two of you. I am very pleased to say that there has not been any physical aggression from my husband in so many years I can't even tell you for sure the last time he did anything "stupid" Although he was "'smart "enough never to hit or strangle me again after he provoked me to react in such a manner. He did continue to do stupid stuff like rip the phone off the wall and stomp on it, punch holes in the walls, throw stuff across the room for a few more years on occasions after that.
Ironically he stopped doing that too after I had another episode of reacting to his behavior in a manner I couldn't believe I was doing. He was screaming ranting and raving about something.He ripped the phone off the wall AGAIN and stomped it to pieces. My usual response to him acting like that was to completely ignore him as if he wasn't even there doing such a stupid thing.( I was scared silly inside but I wasn't about to let him know it.) Just like you ignore a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.....
Well for some reason the last time he was acting like that I began LAUGHING at him! I could NOT control my laughter. In my head I was thinking to myself shut up you fool you'll provoke him to hitting you! But I just kept right on laughing. Laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face and I as bowed over my gut hurt so bad. I have NEVER laughed that hard in all my life! It shocked him( probably as much as my own behavior was shocking ME) and he stopped dead in his tracks and demanded to know what was so swear words funny! I blurted out "You look like a giant 2 year old! Your busy smashing things you are going to have to waste money paying to replace and you don't seem to care one bit! Just like a 2 year old! That was all I could get out before the horrendous laughter took over again. (Now WHAT was so funny about that? I CANNOT tell you.)
He just looked stunned walked out the door and never did it again. I often wondered if God Himself did not take over on both those occasions and "give" my husband exactly what he really needed in order to help him stop doing those kind of things because both times it was definitely WAY beyond my character to act like that and both times it was the last time he ever did it. Now obviously when we have things like that going on in our lives we would be praying for them to stop and so I had been.
Perhaps you also need to respond completely different to her acting out.It seems to have worked out quite well for me. It brings to mind a quote my husband brought home one time. Something about the stupidity of doing something the exact same way over and over and expecting a different outcome. LOL Under stress I suppose we all can be stupid at times.

 

[aldar]

...

 

[aldar]

izmouse,

What you need is serious, professional, qualified help, well your marriage anyway. If at all possible seek professional counseling and make her attend with you. This forum while enjoyable does not provide that. Your marriage and family is worth more than this forum can provide you.
It would also be far beyond belaboring the obvious to continue to restate and reconsider that yes unless certain things absolutely cease and desist that you need to file for divorce. Your family has serious problems

I wish you good luck and I truly hope your situation improves, it is painful to even read . The problems in your life far eclipse the help that you may receive here, please get your family into professional counseling.

 

[izmouse]

izmouse,

What you need is serious, professional, qualified help, well your marriage anyway. If at all possible seek professional counseling and make her attend with you. This forum while enjoyable does not provide that. Your marriage and family is worth more than this forum can provide you.
It would also be far beyond belaboring the obvious to continue to restate and reconsider that yes unless certain things absolutely cease and desist that you need to file for divorce. Your family has serious problems

I wish you good luck and I truly hope your situation improves, it is painful to even read . The problems in your life far eclipse the help that you may receive here, please get your family into professional counseling.

aldar,
First, thank you for the kind words, it helps. Second thank you for VALADATION!! I am not here to acquire all the information I need to repair my family, or think in any way shape or forum think all of you have all the right answers. I go to a good therapist, there are so many issues we work hard @ getting past all this. My wife and I see a MC once a week, again there is a lot to work thru, it takes time. I am here b/c Satin has a strong-hold on my wife, it is a battle I choose not to fight alone, I come here for support, advice on daily life, and VALIDATION!!
When my father was alive we didn't talk for 25 years, he died while we weren't speaking. His mother died while they weren't speaking, it destroyed him, I would never follow in his footsteps, in anything! The last time I saw my father alive was @ a funeral, I walked right up to him, put my arms around him and gave him the best hug I could give and said these words-" Dad, I have always loved you, I never needed anything from you but love." He drew back and said "oh, it's you." He turned and continued his conversation w/ ?? There were witness who told me I did a good job but it wasn't me, it was God working thru me, just as it is today. He died a year later, I cried once but I never let it destroy me. My sisters and I split everything, there wasn't one fight.
I have always walked w/ Christ well for most of my life, but I had become a "sleeping" Christian, I never took my faith farther than when I was 25yrs old, I am 45. I feel stuck here @ my home, I have 4 children who I fear will be put on drugs for the smallest reason (2 are on drugs now), I can't abandon them for any reason like my dad did to me. God is in control of my heart, he guides me, he pushes me to where he wants me to be, how can I do wrong?
I am merely looking for support, and validation, my wife is so smart when it comes to the bible, she can quote it to fit her life, I have never even read the whole bible. So I come here, a place I feel comfortable, a place I am supposed to feel welcome and you want to push me to another therapist?
izmouse,

 

[kopilo]

I haven't logged on in 4 years and something was telling me to check this forum board for some reason..

Izmouse, my heart goes out to you. I'm sure she is not acting like the woman you married, and while she can probably quote any verse of the bible to try to justify her actions, the two greatest commandments are "love god with all your heart" and "love your neighbor as you love yourself". Based upon what you have told us I'm not really getting that much of a feel of love from her to you.

I'm glad you are seeking help for this, however I would suggest seeking professional help as an addition to everything else. While I understand that you do feel more support and comfortable here, most if not all people who frequent this forum do not have any formal qualification when it comes to mental healthcare.

Moreover I would suggest getting in contact with god, having a personal conversation with him and asking for his guidance, I have always found this helpful in the good and bad times. You will be in my prayers and may god be with you for now and evermore.

 

[aldar]

izmouse,

My message was in no way intended to make you feel unwelcome so I apologize for my failure to communicate better.
It only expressed my concern that you do seek more help than we can provide and if you are doing so then good I am only glad for you.

Honestly, when someone thinks another person can quote the bible to affirm their every action no matter how destitute it may be, it's really just because the one who thinks that doesn't have a good understanding of the bible themselves. I don't say this to make of you or criticize you, I would never be so rude. I only say this to say that her view and understanding of the bible is absolutely flawed, either that or she is well aware of how twisted her remarks are. There is no way the bible could ever be rightly used to endorse the actions you've mentioned.

 

[Maremma]

Hmm Mouse please do not feel as though you are in any way being pushed away from this forum or those that seek to support you and encourage you in your desire to save your marriage.
You already are seeing a christian marriage councilor and praying to the ultimate therapist and physician and also coming here for support. Perhaps others had missed that information in the posts and was just trying to encourage you to also do that.

I can tell you from experience that it takes more than one person encouraging us to get things back on track when things are so terribly messed up. God expects us to encourage one another when we are trying to do things the way God wants is to do them. Like stay married in spite of things going poorly. God hates divorce.

If someone goes to the doctor and is told they have diabetes, hands them a paper telling them what to eat and not eat how much medicine to take and sends them on their way they more often than not wind up in several years with their legs cut off or blind or many of the other complications from uncontrolled diabetes. Those that then ALSO seek the support of family and friends and learn how to really use the tools the Dr gave them wind up with much tighter control of their diabetes and do not suffer the complications of trying to just "do it on their own". Support and encouragement when we are working hard to change things for the better is definitely a good thing.

As for the problem of the wife trying to use scriptures to justify her behaviors or to focus on your "sins" (real or imagined in her head) are one of the reasons I encourage you to read the bible for yourself.

My husband tried to use scriptures against me as well (but I am an avid studier of the word) and so when that didn't work to try to control me or tear me down he had really become angry and came home from work one day screaming and throwing things demanding that I STOP praying for him and I get rid of all my stinking bibles! He was livid and calling me all kinds of names.( I have no idea what happened at work that caused him to come home in this state but I have to assume the Lord had been working on him about something) I had to choose not to allow him or his ideas about God and the bible stop me from my walk forward with God nor cause me to actually DO what he said and stop praying for him or get rid of my bibles. Our spouses actions and reactions cannot be allowed to interfere wit hour relationship with God.

 

[izmouse]

I am so busted- I have problems w/ rejection, sorry. My first reaction has always been to run as fast and as far away as I can go. This is the exact reason I KNOW for sure I am doing God's will, he has given me the desire to hang in here and fight the battle for him, for my kids! Allow me to list my support so you all know I am not just on the Net looking for the Magic cure. I have my sister, her and her husband are very good Christians, he plays in the church band. The FIL is an active member in our church, he is a Deacon. The Pastor @ our church, he'll call me any time I need him, he is very good! I have a therapist, not a Christian but we're working on that! The MC is very good and was suggested by the Pastor. A woman Tammy has excellent bible and prayer knowledge, this is very helpful @ this point in time!
Thank you all for the support/prayers!!
Mouse

 

[Maremma]

You know Mouse a thought just hit me. Do you and your father in law ever spend time together praying for your family? As her father and you as her husband are a powerful prayer team for her.

 

[izmouse]

UH, no we have not prayed together, we don't care for each other too much.....but I will try anything! Ya know we both love her so much I'm sure he'd agree w/ it. Let me tell you this while ya got me here- Last weekend she was telling me about DIVORCE, I was in a NO FIGHT mode so she was really angry, I walked over to her, went to hold her hands, she pulled away like I was hurting her, but I said "oh no, I'm not here to hurt you, I want to pray w/ you, can we pray? (she never answered but I went ahead) I prayed-"dear Heavenly Father, Jul and I are having a hard time just getting a long, we love each other but we are just both so hurt we are having problems, please help us see your will In your name we pray, Amen." When I opened my eyes she was looking away into space like she was ready to kill the workbench.? The next day she changed back to a normal person. Can I get some help on that one?
Mouse

 

[Maremma]

Well I do believe asking the FIL to pray with you for her would serve more than one purpose. The obvious being "where two or three come together in my name there I am in the midst of them"
Both of you coming together to work on a single minded goal would build bridges between you and him. Although it is a prayerful project rather than a physical one it will build bonds.
Her seeing you making an effort with all of the family is a good thing even if she balks at it. (and she likely will)

 

[izmouse]

Wife just came out and asked why she didn't feel the love like before, I tried to explain she left me w/ all the baggage of the affair, she has told me time and time again, it's your problem, get over it! She gets real mad and won't listen to anything! All I read tells me she has guilt and NO remorse, it's just like she is reading from the book, all the words, the actions and how it all comes back to me and my fault.
Again, she tells me I will RUIN it all if I just can't forget. Am I repeating this? I talked to her w/ love, compassion, but she can only speak in anger. I have a feeling I know her better than she knows herself.
Mouse

 

[Maremma]

Perhaps you could ask her exactly what it is she thinks you will be ruining if you can't forget what happened? You guys don't seem to have gotten anywhere yet on the road to recovery from this.

Perhaps you really should sit down with her and tell her "okay why don't we discuss how a divorce is going to go if that is what we decide to do" "Who is moving out?" "How will we share custody of the children?" "'what days of the week will they be spending with each parent" "Who is going to take what with them when they leave?" "When will you be looking for work to support yourself?"

Be matter of fact and about the discussion. Leave all emotions out of the discussion as if you were doing a business transaction. Let the reality of her threats sink in to her head. SHe seems to live in a fantasy world quite a bit and so the reality of what she keeps threatening may not have even crossed her mind. She may think you will just leave with nothing, only see the kids whenever she dictates, you will pay for everything for her and she will not have to deal with any of the problems that go with being divorced either.

 

[izmouse]

If we have a few good days she claims it's been weeks, I'd be ruining the GOOD streak.
She is under the impression she'll keep the house and the kids and I get the bills.
Week before last she was talking about DIVORCE every day, every day I told her that was fine I could live w/o her, the last time she said DIVORCE, I patted her on the side and said "ok stop talking about it and let me get some sleep" She knows she's wrong, her parents tell her she is wrong she's just stuborn! Germans!!
mouse

 

[Maremma]

Oh my I wish I could just pray for you and you could wake up tomorrow with all the work already done.
My husband gave me a card on Valantine's day that made me cry. It says Our love is a miracle, that is the only way I can explain it. God sent you to me to change my life- and to show me that love, real love, makes all the difference. You are God's miracle in my life, and I love you with all my heart.
Patience and steadfast trust in God to make ALL things work to the good of those that love God will bring you the same miracle. Keep looking towards that day and the journey through the desert isn't as hard. God's promises are trustworthy and true.

Umm being German doesn't automatically make someone stubborn! LOL