Rora47,
If she snaps at you, insults you, and tries to control you, maybe you can try to figure out if there is a way you can react to her verbal attacks that can shut it down. Btw, when you were first dating, were there ever times when she was on her 'best behavior.' Usually, during that time people treat each other nicely. We have a guard up when we don't know someone as well. If she did then, though, she is capable of showing some self-control.
Does she get emotional and yell or scream? Or is it just the content of what she says? Does her snapping at you fall short of yelling, but she says it with an inappropriate tone of voice (angry, bossy, etc.) I can think of a few approaches to take.
If you both are on-board with the same view of what husbands and wives roles are according to scripture, that can really help. The Bible says the wife is to respect her husband. That is also translated reverence. The Greek word refers to 'fear' and we are to 'fear' God and 'fear' rulers. And the wife is supposed to have this kind of 'fear' of her husband. I don't believe that's talking about being in fear of her life and safety, but a kind of reverence. (I remember a Sunday school conversation when all us kids were confused about why we should 'fear' God.
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Anyway, if she calls you bad names, yells at you, etc., one thing you can do is not address what she said, but address her manner of communication in a calm voice. "Honey, I see you standing there with your hand on your hip and the other finger pointed at me. You are raising your voice at me and calling me names. That is not the way a wife is supposed to talk to your husband. The Bible says you are to treat me with reverence or respect, and the way you are talking is disrespectful." If you've discussed beforehand how to treat each other and you are both on-board with the same concept of marriage Biblically, maybe it will work. If a part of her wants you to join in the argument, you sidestep that and address the problematic behavior. It might work, especially if she is not very, very angry. There are no guarantees. What you do needs to be customized to how she is, and she may react differently to this based on her moods.
In the same scenario, you could also address the content of what she says, maybe refer to the passage that talks about name-calling (thou fool, and raca were the examples there in Matthew 5.)
If she backs down and apologizes, then you can pray about it with her right then. Make sure you forgive her and don't keep a ledger of how bad she has been behaving. If she's constantly trying to improve and she's seeking God's help, that's a good thing.
Otherwise, especially if she's yelling or just calling names, you can tell her when she starts that she can talk to you when she learns to communicate in a calm, mature manner. When she calms down or when she can stop the name calling, she can come tell you what she wants. Then you can disengage. If she follows you, leave the room. If that doesn't work, you can leave the house for a little while and come back a little while later. If she gets some emotional satisfaction out of arguing and speaking her mind, this may take away whatever kind of enjoyment or relief she gets from yelling or name calling, leaving her unfulfilled in her inappropriate behavior, and motivating her to fulfill her desire to communicate in a more reasonable way.
