I was raised in the church as well as my wife. Both our families are 100% involved with church. I've been married 15-20 years with 2 kids. Since day one of our marriage, intimacy went out the window. I've had the hardest time because of this... which is something I desperately need. 12 or 13 years into our Marriage I stopped trying to be intimate. I've had numerous discussions with my wife with me being in tears about this and basically told her I'm done trying... I can't keep begging for intimacy to hear I'm tired, I don't feel good or not tonight. I've had friends fall out of love with their spouses and it was accepted on both sides to separate. I've hinted at going in that direction and she's told me she made a promise and we are not going down that path... I really don't want to hurt her, the kids and our family and friends. My kids mean the world to me even though I may not be the best dad... I find my frustrations with my marriage and lack of intimacy affecting my overall happiness on life and how I treat my kids. I'm miserable. We attend church every Sunday and I wouldn't want it any differently. Because of my lack of intimacy, I slip into sin. I'd like to think I like intimacy as much as anyone else but failing to sin from time to time really bothers me. I pretty much fight back tears every Sunday in church. I've mentioned counseling and got that look... Like a handicap person stuck and unable to change their situation, could this be my handicap in life? I would agree people need to do anything and everything in their power to fix things especially when kids are involved... Does this mean I lose my say/sanity? I'm super lost and confused with all of this... Would welcome any prayer/recommendations.
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Lost and Confused
- Thread starter LostNConfused
- Start date
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles in marriage. It's perfectly normal that it would bother you if your wife is defrauding you of a sex life. Does she have any medical issues to deal with?
I'm also wondering what the falling into sin issue you mentioned is. Since you are posting anonymously, I'll ask you here on the forum? What is falling into sin? Picking up girls at a bar? Porn and 'taking care of yourself'? Looking lustfully at women and not acting on it further than that? All these things are bad, of course.
One thing to consider is how attractive you are to her. Have you let yourself go? You can exercise, dress better, lift weights and bulk up, grow one of those two-day beards, shave your beard, or whatever you think might make you more attractive for her. If the intimacy stopped right after the wedding, maybe she didn't marry you for physical attraction, or maybe the problem is a low sex drive combined with selfishness. Do you know if she was raped at some point, or abused as a child, or any of those kinds of things? if she was, she may need some other help. Most of what I write here would apply most to low sex drive and selfishness.
I think this is a situation where you have to be firm. Talking to her with tears in your eyes isn't working, and it probably isn't going to help her be more attracted to you. Women may say they want a sensitive man, but showing too much 'sensitivity' can be a turn-off. You could keep initiating and act like you don't care that she rejects you, and initiate again a little while later.
I know there are some men, who, if placed in this situation, would tell their wives they didn't get married to pay rent for their roommate, they got married to have a wife, and having sex is a big part of that. Then, they'd threaten to divorce if she didn't shape up. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't do that. I don't see it as Biblical grounds for divorce, certainly not to remarry. Though it is a sin if she is defrauding her husband of sex for no reason.
I do think you should be firm with her about it. I know of one man whose wife wouldn't sleep with him, so if she wasn't going to sleep with him, she couldn't sleep in the bed with him. He told her to go sleep in the spare bedroom. He wasn't going to leave the master bedroom either, since she was at fault. I'm not going to say the man was sinning, but that would probably be a bit harsh for me personally. The borderline on this sort of thing is that the husband love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Another constraint is that husbands are told not to embitter their wives. There are ways to be firm and stand your ground on the issue without doing this, and how you deal with it will depend on what your wife is like. Something that may embitter one woman may not embitter another woman.
I don't think you should stop initiating. I think you need to keep the issue going as an unresolved, ongoing issue in your marriage until she fixes it. You can tell her, "I married you to have a life-long lover, not a roommate." You can tell her, "This is a big problem. This is an area where you are not being a good wife. Don't think that everything is okay between us. It won't be until you start doing what is right in this important area in our marriage." Let her know she's being selfish. If the issue is past abuse, you may not want to take such a hard-lined approach. If the issue is her controlling how often you guys are intimate, make sure she knows its a problem.
I read that a woman brought charges against her husband once in a Puritan church in colonial times in New England for defrauding her sexually. I don't see a problem with that. Unfortunately, many churches totally ignore church discipline issues. But it is something to consider. When you talk seriously with your wife, assuming she is a Christian, you can point out her responsibilities (and you own) in I Corinthians 7. Discuss Matthew 18 with her. If she won't hear I Corinthians 7, then bring two or three witnesses and tell her you plan to bring the issue before the church. If you both are active and your church has a form of congregational government, you might actually be able to do this. The point, of course, is to get her to repent, not to get her kicked out. So if you can do it any other more gentle way, do that.
If you do something like this, it's important to make sure there is no log in your own eye. You need to make sure you aren't falling into sin yourself. Your wife neglecting you may make it easier for you to be tempted, but you are still responsible before God. This could come up if you go the church discipline route, too.
I suppose you could also tell your wife if she keeps this up, you won't hide her sin, including at family gatherings where her parents are present. If she wants people to think she is a perfect wife, you aren't going to go along with it. That's only something you can do if you are willing to bring it up.
Another approach is to get her around some godly women, maybe older women, who take seriously the issue of sexual responsibility in marriage. There may be some books or forums online you could point her to if she will read them. You can also get some Christian books on marriage that address this issue, or one of those Dr. Laura books. It may mean more to her if other Christians, or supposed experts-- who aren't her husband trying to get sex from her-- promote the idea that spouses are supposed to take care of each others' sexual needs.
You can't have serious conversations like this all the time. She probably won't want to have sex right after one, but you can keep up initiating. If flowers, candy, and moonlit walks on the beach, try a more macho approach. See if there is something she responds to.
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles in marriage. It's perfectly normal that it would bother you if your wife is defrauding you of a sex life. Does she have any medical issues to deal with?
I'm also wondering what the falling into sin issue you mentioned is. Since you are posting anonymously, I'll ask you here on the forum? What is falling into sin? Picking up girls at a bar? Porn and 'taking care of yourself'? Looking lustfully at women and not acting on it further than that? All these things are bad, of course.
One thing to consider is how attractive you are to her. Have you let yourself go? You can exercise, dress better, lift weights and bulk up, grow one of those two-day beards, shave your beard, or whatever you think might make you more attractive for her. If the intimacy stopped right after the wedding, maybe she didn't marry you for physical attraction, or maybe the problem is a low sex drive combined with selfishness. Do you know if she was raped at some point, or abused as a child, or any of those kinds of things? if she was, she may need some other help. Most of what I write here would apply most to low sex drive and selfishness.
I think this is a situation where you have to be firm. Talking to her with tears in your eyes isn't working, and it probably isn't going to help her be more attracted to you. Women may say they want a sensitive man, but showing too much 'sensitivity' can be a turn-off. You could keep initiating and act like you don't care that she rejects you, and initiate again a little while later.
I know there are some men, who, if placed in this situation, would tell their wives they didn't get married to pay rent for their roommate, they got married to have a wife, and having sex is a big part of that. Then, they'd threaten to divorce if she didn't shape up. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't do that. I don't see it as Biblical grounds for divorce, certainly not to remarry. Though it is a sin if she is defrauding her husband of sex for no reason.
I do think you should be firm with her about it. I know of one man whose wife wouldn't sleep with him, so if she wasn't going to sleep with him, she couldn't sleep in the bed with him. He told her to go sleep in the spare bedroom. He wasn't going to leave the master bedroom either, since she was at fault. I'm not going to say the man was sinning, but that would probably be a bit harsh for me personally. The borderline on this sort of thing is that the husband love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Another constraint is that husbands are told not to embitter their wives. There are ways to be firm and stand your ground on the issue without doing this, and how you deal with it will depend on what your wife is like. Something that may embitter one woman may not embitter another woman.
I don't think you should stop initiating. I think you need to keep the issue going as an unresolved, ongoing issue in your marriage until she fixes it. You can tell her, "I married you to have a life-long lover, not a roommate." You can tell her, "This is a big problem. This is an area where you are not being a good wife. Don't think that everything is okay between us. It won't be until you start doing what is right in this important area in our marriage." Let her know she's being selfish. If the issue is past abuse, you may not want to take such a hard-lined approach. If the issue is her controlling how often you guys are intimate, make sure she knows its a problem.
I read that a woman brought charges against her husband once in a Puritan church in colonial times in New England for defrauding her sexually. I don't see a problem with that. Unfortunately, many churches totally ignore church discipline issues. But it is something to consider. When you talk seriously with your wife, assuming she is a Christian, you can point out her responsibilities (and you own) in I Corinthians 7. Discuss Matthew 18 with her. If she won't hear I Corinthians 7, then bring two or three witnesses and tell her you plan to bring the issue before the church. If you both are active and your church has a form of congregational government, you might actually be able to do this. The point, of course, is to get her to repent, not to get her kicked out. So if you can do it any other more gentle way, do that.
If you do something like this, it's important to make sure there is no log in your own eye. You need to make sure you aren't falling into sin yourself. Your wife neglecting you may make it easier for you to be tempted, but you are still responsible before God. This could come up if you go the church discipline route, too.
I suppose you could also tell your wife if she keeps this up, you won't hide her sin, including at family gatherings where her parents are present. If she wants people to think she is a perfect wife, you aren't going to go along with it. That's only something you can do if you are willing to bring it up.
Another approach is to get her around some godly women, maybe older women, who take seriously the issue of sexual responsibility in marriage. There may be some books or forums online you could point her to if she will read them. You can also get some Christian books on marriage that address this issue, or one of those Dr. Laura books. It may mean more to her if other Christians, or supposed experts-- who aren't her husband trying to get sex from her-- promote the idea that spouses are supposed to take care of each others' sexual needs.
You can't have serious conversations like this all the time. She probably won't want to have sex right after one, but you can keep up initiating. If flowers, candy, and moonlit walks on the beach, try a more macho approach. See if there is something she responds to.
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- Oct 21, 2009
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We do live in a fallen world and you may never have the kind of intimacy with your wife that you desire. Instead of letting that create dissatisfaction, try to let it draw you closer to Christ, who wants to give you the type of intimacy you desire.
Father god, I ask that You would touch this marriage and make these two more intimate with each other. Help the husband to fulfill his wifes needs, and help the wife to fulfill her husbands needs. Father, help this wife see whatever it is she is blind to, and reveal the truth to her concerning the wife giving authority over her body to her husband, and the husband giving authority over his body to his wife. If there is something else going on with her; if she has needs and doesn't know how to make them known, then I ask that You would reveal them to her husband.
Lord, You are the only One who really knows the situation; what lies in secret. If it is biological, I ask that you reveal that and heal it in the name of your Son, Jesus. If it is emotional, I ask that You comfort and heal that as well.
Help them both not to deprive each other, unless they both agree to refrain for a limited time so that they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, Lord help them come back together again so that Satan wont be able to tempt either of them.
Father, make both this husband and wife see each other with the eyes of Christ; hear each other with the ears of Christ; love each other with the heart of Christ; and understand each other with the mind of Christ.
All this I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
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Thanks for the replies. I tried to reply as a private message but it was rejected being new to the boards and not having enough posts.
To sum up a few of the questions, yes, she was abused, we have done some counseling for other reason and the counseling was successful in my eyes. I did the gym thing for a number of years and it doesn't matter how my hair is (style), or how much muscle I had, I never received compliments. I'd like to think I'm a decent looking guy and fairly fit. Regarding falling into sin, I started having sex at a very young age. This stopped when I got serious about my life and my relationship with God prior to the mrs coming into the scene. My wife wasn't perfect either. We had lots of fun dating but never made love. I truly didn't expect the doors to close once the ring went on the finger. We have kids so it obviously did happen from time to time earlier in the marriage.
Thank you for the prayer SingPeace and the private messages for those that sent some. I had much more information in the private reply that I'd rather not disclose here. If you sent me a private message, I'd love to further discuss. If you could create a bogus email account, private message me that information, I'd love to further discuss this.
To sum up a few of the questions, yes, she was abused, we have done some counseling for other reason and the counseling was successful in my eyes. I did the gym thing for a number of years and it doesn't matter how my hair is (style), or how much muscle I had, I never received compliments. I'd like to think I'm a decent looking guy and fairly fit. Regarding falling into sin, I started having sex at a very young age. This stopped when I got serious about my life and my relationship with God prior to the mrs coming into the scene. My wife wasn't perfect either. We had lots of fun dating but never made love. I truly didn't expect the doors to close once the ring went on the finger. We have kids so it obviously did happen from time to time earlier in the marriage.
Thank you for the prayer SingPeace and the private messages for those that sent some. I had much more information in the private reply that I'd rather not disclose here. If you sent me a private message, I'd love to further discuss. If you could create a bogus email account, private message me that information, I'd love to further discuss this.
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Do you have [/I]any[/I] intimacy? Or just not as much as you would like? Are there times when she initiates?
I'm really sorry things are this way for you. That is rough that she would say no intimacy ever, no counseling, no divorce. That's kind of like "It's all about me and what I say, goes."
I'm really sorry things are this way for you. That is rough that she would say no intimacy ever, no counseling, no divorce. That's kind of like "It's all about me and what I say, goes."
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