Loss and Lost

[aublinhow5]

I became a widow on January 25,2008. It's only been 2 weeks today but seems like forever! My husband went into the hospital for colon resection on Sept.28,2007 and never came home. He had 4 surgerys in a week and a half then the next 4 months enduring pain until his body just gave out!

I think one of the reasons I cant seem to accept his death is because it should not have happened and yet I can'd do anything about what happened to him.

I see him every where! His laugh, his smile and just keep thinking about how he should have been in and out of the hospital and instead he is gone!

I want someone to be help responsible for it and yet there is no one who will be held accountable. I think of all that he endured those months and I just can't seem to get past it! It shouldn't have ended like this!

Part of me denies the fact that he isn't here and yet I know that he will never be here again! I miss him so much and I think of how all those months I kept telling him he was getting better and would get thru this and be home again.

I kept telling him to fight. Not to give up and I know he tried but in the end he was so tired of being poked and prodded. He was tired of the pain and he just couldn't fight anymore!

I need to learn to deal with all of those months along with the loss of my husband of 26 years and yet I can't seem to do either. If I could get justice for him I think it help me to cope but, I can't so I feel like I am letting him down and it is like putting salt in an open wound.

I pray to God everyday to help me get past this but..the pain is like being hit in the stomach. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Maybe someone out there has some words or wisdom that may help me!

Thank you to anyone who may listen.

 

[dellinw]

do you have children? family? I know it is sooo hard right now. It has been 8mo for me on the 13th. You should check into seeing a grief counselor. It sounds like you could possibly sue the hospital, dr or someone? How old was he? My husband was 64 yr of age. He was a prof firefighter and got lung disease from fighting fire back in the 80's without air-pact. The city paid for everything to do with his lungs. was diagnosed ini 2003. His first 2or 3 yrs were OK. He started downhill Christmas Day 2006 with pneumonia. Was on O2 24/7 and then it was not enough for home. He was a good christian man and loved life and his family. He was my "Soulmate". we were married for 43 yrs. and I can truely say" I would do it all over again". Please just stay with the Lord and stay in church. Grieving is a low lonesome valley, but you have to just keep walking day by day and it will get easier. I don't cry everyday like I did at first. It will just hit me now and then, but not as often. I tried anti-depression meds, but had a skin rash, so I just go off the meds. Weekends are bad and coming into the house after dark is bad. Call a friend and ask them to pray with you. Call your church and ask about grief support groups. The cancer services has one locally I'm sure. they meet weekly here. I have gone a few times. My daughters church has a widows goup that meets monthly for bible study and fellowship. I really enjoy going. It seems that all my friends (our friends) are couples, I know they mean well, but they quit calling and inviting me to go with them. I hope I have helped a little. Just hang in there.... God is still in control of our lives. God Bless
Helen

 

[JeanR]

I began grief counseling the following week after Terry passed away. It was the best thing that I did. The counselor guided me through the process and explained to me what was happening every step of the way.

Terry died suddenly and he was only 54 years old. We had been married 29 years. As time has passed, my memories from his passing, the viewing, the funeral, the memorial service, and the weeks following have become muddled in my brain. Apparently, people talked to me, but I have no memory of it. The grief counselor told me that that is quite normal. When you lose a spouse, your mind becomes like mush and it takes a full year to heal--that doesn't mean that grieving ends after a year because it does not, but it means that the brain must recover and be restored. In the process, the memories become muddled and the emotions even out.

I'm glad he told me this because I thought I was going crazy. People told me I was places that I just don't remember. People said they talked to me, and I just don't remember.

The one thing the grief counselor told me is that there are no rules. Everyone's journey is different and unique. People will tell you what to do and how you should feel, but follow your heart. God will take care of you and he will carry you.

 

[MD24]

I'm new to this as well and my wife fought as your husband did, it will be 4 weeks on Sat. that she past and I agree and feel as you. My only advise is draw near to the Lord, He is and will be your strength. If you feel pain don't fight it or put it off, go thru it and allow yourself to go thru any emotion that you feel. Their is no right or wrong way that you should feel, no two people will go thru this the same way. I have found nights are very hard and as freinds and family return to their lives you never know what will make you feel pain, tonight it was going to the movies with my daughter, I had not been since my wife and I went 8 months ago. I will pray for you and I really mean it, draw near to Him and He will comfort you!

 

[aublinhow5]

Thank you for your kind words, prayers and suggestions. I know that I have a long way to go and it helps to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I try to stay busy but suddenly it will be like someone hits me in the pit of my stomach and I realize all over again that he will never be home again. I know he is at peace with the Lord and it is I who is being selfish but I can't seem to make myself really believe those words. I miss him so much when I go by places we went. I see the town we lived in for so many years and I want to remember what used to be there or how long that place has been there and I suddenly realize I have no one to share those memories with anymore. I feel so alone at those times and I want him with me. I want to be able to talk to him again.
One of my sons and his wife are staying with me and I thank God for that. My husband and I adopted our grandaughter(she is 16) and we have had her since she was 10 months old. I try to stay strong for her but if it were just the two of us in this house alone I don't think I could do it! I know they won't be here forever and I just pray that by the time they go I will be able to handle being alone but my husband is every where in this house. That is good in some ways but bad in others. I see him standing, laughing or even arguing and think how unfair it is that I will never have that again.

I thank you all for listening to me. It is hard to share some things with family and often much easier with strangers. Thank you for listening and I hope I am not sounding selfish when you are all feeling the same pain. I will pray for you.

 

[MD24]

I feel the same way, my family that was staying with us is gone now. I won't lie it is hard and sometimes I miss her so much, but I just alow myself to feel the pain and get thru it. God is so good, I try and see all of the little details now, I want to be content with the place he has put me in. Hang in thier, God will heal us all!

Love in Christ
MD24

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

It's so good that your son is staying with you for now. Just remember that even though you want to be strong for your granddaughter, that it's OK.... and even good, if she sees you cry. She needs to know that it's OK to cry too. We all cry, we all miss our loved ones, and there is no perfect way to grieve. It has not been very long for you. And it does not seem fair that we don't get to have our loved ones here with us anymore. My mom used to say "whoever said life was fair!" I think she was on to something, but you are not in any way being selfish for missing your husband! Just try to take one day at a time.....get some couseling if you have no one to talk to, it can really help you. And we all here know what it's like. Even though it is different for each one of us, the common thread is we've all lost someone we love. We are here if/when you need us. I pray that God will surround you with his love during this time. Take care

 

[outsidethebox]

My mother died one week ago.
Although I am feeling the loss of a different kind of love, I can relate to what you are going through.
My 59 year old mother went to the emergency room for a high fever. Her doctor told her the previous week that she had the flu.
We found out she never had the flu....she was never tested. Shortly after being checked into the emergency room, she was diagnosed with double pneumonia with complications and was put on life support on a rotating bed. We suffered with her (she was in great pain) and after much struggle asked them to take her off of life support as she told us that she did not want to be on life support when she was in the emergency room...to make a long story short...she should not have died either, but she did. My mom should have been in and out too....but God had other plans for her...and for us.

Her face is constantly in front of me, her photos everywhere, little reminders of her popping out of nowhere...as a matter of fact, I have downloaded all of her favorite songs and am listening to them now as I type....but I know that she is with me and that this is a sign from God that my mother is in a better place, closer to me than ever before....I will see her again.

I am praying for my father too, who was married to her for 39 years. He feels lost just like we both do....but remember...your husband would have wanted you to be happy and to try to find peace in your life. It would sadden him to see you in pain and suffering.

Pray to God and to your husband for wisdom, strength and understanding and tell God that you accept his plan for you and he will guide you.

Here is a short line that I wrote in my Mother's program for her funeral (some of the lines were taken from books and guides):
Death is a passing from a temporary, imperfect life, to a permanent and perfect one. A separation yes, but one that is temporary. An end, yes, but more so a new beginning. Today we can look for bright rays of hope in the midst of our many tears. Although her death will certainly separate us from her, it is but for a short time only. Soon we will all be reuinted with our loved ones who have passed. God promises us that we will meet them again in our next life as a "dwelling place provided for us by God, A dwelling in the Heavens, not made by hands, but to last forever." 2 Corinthians 5:1

If you need an ear...please feel free to send me mail....I could use someone too...maybe we can help each other.

I will keep you in my prayers.