- Apr 24, 2018
- 60
- 103
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Single
Oh dear...I was really debating whether or not I should post this, but I really am in need of a Christian's perspective (thus, fresh insight) into my situation.
I am currently going through a very difficult season, the most difficult I feel, in recent years.
I lost my steady job of (almost) 5 years, the friends I'd made there too, and most of all, my boyfriend. This is someone I had almost all certainty, I was meant to be with, that God had put into my life and that everything was going to work out...
Some background: I was raised by two devout non-denom Christian parents, who met through their church back home. I always believed that one day, I would marry & have children, with every intention of waiting for marriage. Even as I fell away from those things, it was always in my personality to practice restraint. I didn't ever casually date and I was very cautious in regards to crushes and how I'd go about them (mostly I left them alone because they didn't make sense to pursue, i.e. not in my best interest.) I gave my heart to Jesus at seventeen, but had a rough road in college when my parents divorced & my mom got really sick, and I dropped out of school to take care of my family. I went through periods of restoring my relationship with God, and then getting distant again.
Of course, at end of last year, I met someone during a period in my life where I wasn't close to God. I never imagined though, that things would turn out like this.
I became friendly with a man a few years older than me, who was going through a divorce. He also has a 3 year old son with his ex-wife, who he felt very torn up about. I came to realize he carries the burden of guilt, raised in a Jehovah's Witness background, taught to suppress everything and feel ashamed of everything. As an only child, he felt the responsibility of being a good son, but was unable to keep up with the commands of his family's faith, and found himself excommunicated at 19. They practice shunning, so that moment he lost his entire family and the people he grew up with. I can only imagine the kind of pain and fear that would put into someone so young. He ran off to the west with his girlfriend at the time, and just kind of kept drifting along.
He'd move back home when things didn't work out there and try to reconnect with his family & their faith, but fail again. He'd find himself falling for a long-time friend he worked with, and when her divorce finalized, they got together. They'd later marry and have a son together. She wasn't very good to him, very dishonest and cheated on him a few times, but he kept trying to make it work. Finally she came to him one day and said she was leaving him, and he had to move out. She then took up with his best friend (now former), and he'd realize that they'd been going behind his back for many months. That kind of thing...I imagine, would be devastating.
As he was trying to get back on his feet and sort out his life, that's when I came in. I was cautious in the beginning because of his situation, and yet he kept insisting he was "passed it" because they'd been emotionally separated for over eight months. We'd talk as friends and share things, and he'd ask for advice on what to do about his son. He felt such tremendous guilt over the failed relationship, and felt that he couldn't be the full-time parent he should be, and often contemplated remaining in his son's life, if it was for the best. It broke my heart.
In any case, after a month he seemed to become more content with things. He was happier and we talked every single day. We just had so much in common and had this intense connection, like we would be thinking about the same things or find ourselves finishing each other's thoughts out loud. He was very patient and kind and encouraging and funny, was very generous and people-oriented, he'd help strangers he saw in the street or in the grocery store. He was very responsible with money and keeping after his apartment, and I was just overall impressed with the maturity and the way he was coming into his own and handling his situation. He's a good worker at his job and supervises inmates, and treats them as fellow man and often listens to them and councils them. He's got these amazing abilities to listen and pays attention to detail, he'd recall something you'd told him, even in passing or seemingly so small, many weeks later.
Low and behold, we'd fall in love. We were convinced at one point, we were meant to find one another and that we belonged together. I'd never been in love period, and he was convinced he'd never been in love in this way before. He was just so enthralled by my kindness and empathy and thoughtfulness, and would say that I was so special and so sweet. I'd sometimes talk about God, but he was so hurt over the whole Jehovah's Witness thing, it was hard for him to put into his heart. I also wasn't in a good place with God so I stupidly buried it, instead of pursued it. I wouldn't have made so many mistakes.
In the time we were together I feel like God revealed to me a lot about this person, his burdens and his past, his heart...and highlighted all of his gifts. One one of our dates, we went to an art museum and there was a section on artwork of biblical events & figures. He'd recall scripture and spend time really looking at these pieces, more then he did anything else. I remember him saying he liked that I knew the stories and what he was referring to. I feel that perhaps God wanted me to have more of a voice, and use these reminders to reconnect with Him, but I foolishly didn't.
Things progressed between us and because he was such an open and honest person, and in comparing how he was in previous relationships (incredibly loyal and even when things were bad, had difficulty leaving a relationship) I never thought for a moment I would ever lose him. I was so certain that we were meant to be together, that he was the person I'd waited for my whole life. I started staying at his apartment with him, and I lost my virginity.
I made 2 very grievous mistakes there. 1) He was not entirely divorced yet. The paperwork has been processing for months, but is not finalized. By law, he is recognized as married. Yet, in my foolishness, I believed that since both he and his ex's hearts had moved on, as she'd taken up with another man, that this wasn't an affair of the heart, therefore it was OK. (My mother later would tell me I still broke the commandment and I hate that it took her telling me, to realize this.) and the more obvious one, I didn't wait, and had sex before marriage.
Then one day, everything would change. It's kind of like reality came crashing down on us, and in particular, on him. The family that he'd lost over eleven years ago, would suddenly resurface. His grandmother fell gravely ill and his mother did something tremendous and reached out to him by phone. He'd been taken by surprise at work, receiving her call. She was crying and pleading with him to come home and find a way to "make things right" and see his grandmother before she passed, and that she missed him. He'd come home that day and I knew something wasn't right, but he didn't say a word to me about it. The next day he went with me to my mother's surgery as support, but we didn't talk much. Then, we said goodbye outside of the hospital after he helped me with my mother & her things, and he drove away.
No word from him afterwards, whatsoever, which was extremely troublesome because he was always contacting me. I finally got a hold of him the next day, and that's when he told me what happened. He said he started feeling guilty because it stirred up all kinds of old thoughts & feelings, and put him in a very mixed up place. I realized by "make things right", he'd have to attempt reinstatement with Jehovah's Witness. It's a long and drawn out process that demands so much on the person to prove their repentance to a council of men. That in itself is ungodly, and I tried to find a way to explain that to him, but I realized this was his spiritual journey and I couldn't choose for him.
It was a very painful, drawn out breakup over the month. He had difficulty letting go and finding the words, and fluctuated between wanting to keep me near and then wanting to push me out. He also struggled going back and forth between getting reinstated, having been so on fire for God to suddenly wanting nothing to do with it. The worst part about it is, I couldn't find my voice. God wanted me to speak but I felt unworthy because I'd lost my connection to Him. In this time of great pain and confusion, I decided if he was going to pursue his old faith, then I needed to council mine.
In my brokenness, God has done AMAZING things inside of me. He humbled me to my many mistakes, my foolishness, and I reconciled my sins with Him in prayer and mourned painfully for a month. He gave me the strength to not lash out in pride or allow my emotions to control the situation, and I was also under attack for a month during my grieving. Severe insomnia, depression, unable to really eat or drink. I'd be filled with all of these horrible thoughts and feelings, and continue to seek God in prayer & His word to combat them. I truly feel He's lifted so much from me, and a few nights ago, I was restored my joy and my peace. I could sleep again, I could eat again, and I could laugh and smile again.
Yet, I'm still feeling so torn up over this. He finally officially broke up with me on Sunday, citing the painful confusion and depression he was experiencing, resenting himself for hurting me in such a way and being unable to fulfill his promises in being with me. He needed to learn how to be alone and figure out what he's doing with his life, on his own.
I've never dealt with anything quite like this, and it's just this...ebb and flow, back and forth, over what it all means. I don't like to imagine that I gave myself into this situation only to lose him forever. I don't like to think that my failures reflect a failure overall. My heart feels in such a way that it can't open itself to anyone else, ever again, and I can't imagine anyone else, but him. Even though I know a God-centered man is right, and while he had all the qualities I'd ever wanted in a person, he was lacking the most important one: a relationship with God.
Because I still love this man, it's hard for me to imagine him hurting in such a way, and being confused and misled by a cult like Jehovah's Witness. His ache, what he's missing and searching for, is clearly God. So my parting words to him were a letter filled with prayer and hope and messages of Jesus and scripture pertaining to Him and what God put on my heart over his life, when I prayed for him. The separation needed to happen, God needed me to pull away from him and his situation and knowing myself and my inability to end it, he wound up being the one to do it. He's on his own journey and needs to reconcile, and I needed to reconcile with God for my actions and overall, repair my relationship with Him and put Him first, where He should be.
I keep praying that he'll open his heart and find God, and that God protects him. I don't know why I'm obsessing over this still, when I really should be moving on. It just hurts so much...and it's hard for me to fathom this whole thing happening, for seemingly nothing. We don't talk anymore, at this point we're just removed completely. I know at this point it's for the best, but it still hurts. I really would like some advice and prayers to settle this and move forward from here. Yet I just can't seem to shake the whole...idea that we were meant to be together, somehow, someway.
Thanks. This was very difficult to put into words, but I appreciate the time. I know it's quite long.
I am currently going through a very difficult season, the most difficult I feel, in recent years.
I lost my steady job of (almost) 5 years, the friends I'd made there too, and most of all, my boyfriend. This is someone I had almost all certainty, I was meant to be with, that God had put into my life and that everything was going to work out...
Some background: I was raised by two devout non-denom Christian parents, who met through their church back home. I always believed that one day, I would marry & have children, with every intention of waiting for marriage. Even as I fell away from those things, it was always in my personality to practice restraint. I didn't ever casually date and I was very cautious in regards to crushes and how I'd go about them (mostly I left them alone because they didn't make sense to pursue, i.e. not in my best interest.) I gave my heart to Jesus at seventeen, but had a rough road in college when my parents divorced & my mom got really sick, and I dropped out of school to take care of my family. I went through periods of restoring my relationship with God, and then getting distant again.
Of course, at end of last year, I met someone during a period in my life where I wasn't close to God. I never imagined though, that things would turn out like this.
I became friendly with a man a few years older than me, who was going through a divorce. He also has a 3 year old son with his ex-wife, who he felt very torn up about. I came to realize he carries the burden of guilt, raised in a Jehovah's Witness background, taught to suppress everything and feel ashamed of everything. As an only child, he felt the responsibility of being a good son, but was unable to keep up with the commands of his family's faith, and found himself excommunicated at 19. They practice shunning, so that moment he lost his entire family and the people he grew up with. I can only imagine the kind of pain and fear that would put into someone so young. He ran off to the west with his girlfriend at the time, and just kind of kept drifting along.
He'd move back home when things didn't work out there and try to reconnect with his family & their faith, but fail again. He'd find himself falling for a long-time friend he worked with, and when her divorce finalized, they got together. They'd later marry and have a son together. She wasn't very good to him, very dishonest and cheated on him a few times, but he kept trying to make it work. Finally she came to him one day and said she was leaving him, and he had to move out. She then took up with his best friend (now former), and he'd realize that they'd been going behind his back for many months. That kind of thing...I imagine, would be devastating.
As he was trying to get back on his feet and sort out his life, that's when I came in. I was cautious in the beginning because of his situation, and yet he kept insisting he was "passed it" because they'd been emotionally separated for over eight months. We'd talk as friends and share things, and he'd ask for advice on what to do about his son. He felt such tremendous guilt over the failed relationship, and felt that he couldn't be the full-time parent he should be, and often contemplated remaining in his son's life, if it was for the best. It broke my heart.
In any case, after a month he seemed to become more content with things. He was happier and we talked every single day. We just had so much in common and had this intense connection, like we would be thinking about the same things or find ourselves finishing each other's thoughts out loud. He was very patient and kind and encouraging and funny, was very generous and people-oriented, he'd help strangers he saw in the street or in the grocery store. He was very responsible with money and keeping after his apartment, and I was just overall impressed with the maturity and the way he was coming into his own and handling his situation. He's a good worker at his job and supervises inmates, and treats them as fellow man and often listens to them and councils them. He's got these amazing abilities to listen and pays attention to detail, he'd recall something you'd told him, even in passing or seemingly so small, many weeks later.
Low and behold, we'd fall in love. We were convinced at one point, we were meant to find one another and that we belonged together. I'd never been in love period, and he was convinced he'd never been in love in this way before. He was just so enthralled by my kindness and empathy and thoughtfulness, and would say that I was so special and so sweet. I'd sometimes talk about God, but he was so hurt over the whole Jehovah's Witness thing, it was hard for him to put into his heart. I also wasn't in a good place with God so I stupidly buried it, instead of pursued it. I wouldn't have made so many mistakes.
In the time we were together I feel like God revealed to me a lot about this person, his burdens and his past, his heart...and highlighted all of his gifts. One one of our dates, we went to an art museum and there was a section on artwork of biblical events & figures. He'd recall scripture and spend time really looking at these pieces, more then he did anything else. I remember him saying he liked that I knew the stories and what he was referring to. I feel that perhaps God wanted me to have more of a voice, and use these reminders to reconnect with Him, but I foolishly didn't.
Things progressed between us and because he was such an open and honest person, and in comparing how he was in previous relationships (incredibly loyal and even when things were bad, had difficulty leaving a relationship) I never thought for a moment I would ever lose him. I was so certain that we were meant to be together, that he was the person I'd waited for my whole life. I started staying at his apartment with him, and I lost my virginity.
I made 2 very grievous mistakes there. 1) He was not entirely divorced yet. The paperwork has been processing for months, but is not finalized. By law, he is recognized as married. Yet, in my foolishness, I believed that since both he and his ex's hearts had moved on, as she'd taken up with another man, that this wasn't an affair of the heart, therefore it was OK. (My mother later would tell me I still broke the commandment and I hate that it took her telling me, to realize this.) and the more obvious one, I didn't wait, and had sex before marriage.
Then one day, everything would change. It's kind of like reality came crashing down on us, and in particular, on him. The family that he'd lost over eleven years ago, would suddenly resurface. His grandmother fell gravely ill and his mother did something tremendous and reached out to him by phone. He'd been taken by surprise at work, receiving her call. She was crying and pleading with him to come home and find a way to "make things right" and see his grandmother before she passed, and that she missed him. He'd come home that day and I knew something wasn't right, but he didn't say a word to me about it. The next day he went with me to my mother's surgery as support, but we didn't talk much. Then, we said goodbye outside of the hospital after he helped me with my mother & her things, and he drove away.
No word from him afterwards, whatsoever, which was extremely troublesome because he was always contacting me. I finally got a hold of him the next day, and that's when he told me what happened. He said he started feeling guilty because it stirred up all kinds of old thoughts & feelings, and put him in a very mixed up place. I realized by "make things right", he'd have to attempt reinstatement with Jehovah's Witness. It's a long and drawn out process that demands so much on the person to prove their repentance to a council of men. That in itself is ungodly, and I tried to find a way to explain that to him, but I realized this was his spiritual journey and I couldn't choose for him.
It was a very painful, drawn out breakup over the month. He had difficulty letting go and finding the words, and fluctuated between wanting to keep me near and then wanting to push me out. He also struggled going back and forth between getting reinstated, having been so on fire for God to suddenly wanting nothing to do with it. The worst part about it is, I couldn't find my voice. God wanted me to speak but I felt unworthy because I'd lost my connection to Him. In this time of great pain and confusion, I decided if he was going to pursue his old faith, then I needed to council mine.
In my brokenness, God has done AMAZING things inside of me. He humbled me to my many mistakes, my foolishness, and I reconciled my sins with Him in prayer and mourned painfully for a month. He gave me the strength to not lash out in pride or allow my emotions to control the situation, and I was also under attack for a month during my grieving. Severe insomnia, depression, unable to really eat or drink. I'd be filled with all of these horrible thoughts and feelings, and continue to seek God in prayer & His word to combat them. I truly feel He's lifted so much from me, and a few nights ago, I was restored my joy and my peace. I could sleep again, I could eat again, and I could laugh and smile again.
Yet, I'm still feeling so torn up over this. He finally officially broke up with me on Sunday, citing the painful confusion and depression he was experiencing, resenting himself for hurting me in such a way and being unable to fulfill his promises in being with me. He needed to learn how to be alone and figure out what he's doing with his life, on his own.
I've never dealt with anything quite like this, and it's just this...ebb and flow, back and forth, over what it all means. I don't like to imagine that I gave myself into this situation only to lose him forever. I don't like to think that my failures reflect a failure overall. My heart feels in such a way that it can't open itself to anyone else, ever again, and I can't imagine anyone else, but him. Even though I know a God-centered man is right, and while he had all the qualities I'd ever wanted in a person, he was lacking the most important one: a relationship with God.
Because I still love this man, it's hard for me to imagine him hurting in such a way, and being confused and misled by a cult like Jehovah's Witness. His ache, what he's missing and searching for, is clearly God. So my parting words to him were a letter filled with prayer and hope and messages of Jesus and scripture pertaining to Him and what God put on my heart over his life, when I prayed for him. The separation needed to happen, God needed me to pull away from him and his situation and knowing myself and my inability to end it, he wound up being the one to do it. He's on his own journey and needs to reconcile, and I needed to reconcile with God for my actions and overall, repair my relationship with Him and put Him first, where He should be.
I keep praying that he'll open his heart and find God, and that God protects him. I don't know why I'm obsessing over this still, when I really should be moving on. It just hurts so much...and it's hard for me to fathom this whole thing happening, for seemingly nothing. We don't talk anymore, at this point we're just removed completely. I know at this point it's for the best, but it still hurts. I really would like some advice and prayers to settle this and move forward from here. Yet I just can't seem to shake the whole...idea that we were meant to be together, somehow, someway.
Thanks. This was very difficult to put into words, but I appreciate the time. I know it's quite long.
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