Losing my Life for God, but not finding it

[Phaedron777]

This is a story about how I read the Bible as a child and lost my life without finding it. How I sought, but did not find, and how the circumstances in my life lead to an entirely negative outcome until now.

To start with, I had a very unusual family situation. I greatly loved the whole mother, father, child, norm, but I was adopted by my grandmother and step-grandfather, never knew my mother, and my father was a former black witch turned Christian that I didn't meet until later.

I started reading the Bible around 7-12. Like any story I saw clearly who were the good guys and the bad guys, but being young and innocent I had a naive perception of the world and human nature. There were many things that made an impact in my young mind, such as losing your life for Jesus, not caring about material things, seeking out righteousness. The least here shall be among the greatest in heaven, he that would be great must be your servant, etc.

So I now had a rather twisted and unhealthy view of life. Since I was more interested in going to heaven I didn't take care of myself or care about what happened in this life. Since I wasn't supposed to accumulate wealth and treasures on earth, I didn't care about getting a job and making money. I did care about loving and helping others, but nobody does this except in a very materialistic and unnatural way. I had very few friends growing up and most people looked down on me, I was outcast and rejected, but since I was taught the world hates and persecutes christians I thought this was no big deal.

Basically I accepted many negative things because of Christianity. I let myself go, I didn't care about this life, I was trying to lose it. I was a deep thinker and deep feelings, sensitive, and people seemed cold, only concerned with work and money, and not thinkers or feelers at all.

Then I was taught about the Roman Catholic Church and studied the dark side of christian history, how it's practices and holidays were pagan and how they worship Mary and their own saints, and how they go out sinning all the week long and then repent on sunday.

I was also taught about how there were a gazillion different churches and denominations and that no one could really agree on what the word of God meant. Some even said the Bible could be made to say anything you wanted it to.

I swear to God in the version of the Bible I had when I was young Mathew 5:20 reads "Except you be wiser then pharisees and religious leaders, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven." Thus I concluded the true Christian was above going to church and had to be wiser then both church-goers and priests to enter the kingdom of heaven.

This further went along with the me versus the entire world complex where I am right and the whole world is wrong. Where people are mainly concerned with their almighty jobs and worldly things and are always cold to me and don't really practice what's in their Bibles anyway.

To make matters worse at age 13 my real father came to live with us. He taught me a world of things about alien conspiracies, freemasonry, the illuminati, his black magick past. So now I didn't trust anyone or anything and I especially hated the system completely. My calling, I figured, was to write books, and indeed I had the creative talent for this.

My father was also heavily into mind altering drugs and taught me they were good. He got me reading Carl Jung, Kabbalah, and Timothy Leary. I learned about the seventh metaprogrammer circuit where you realize a person would be different depending on their knowledge and circumstances and the goal is to transcend this completely.

At age 15 I brought home a flue to my cancer ridden grandmother and alchoholic father. It circulated and eventually he went to the hospital, left, said about cleaning out his room later, and later then night I awoke mysteriously out on the couch, but decided it didn't matter and went back to sleep. He then shot himself, my grandmother died shortly after, and I blamed myself for all of it.

I was now left alone in the world with a distant and uninterested step-grandfather who thought he could make up for his complete lack of involvement in my life by taking care of me financially. Of course my life wasn't about making money at all, and with the only person I looked up to as wise enough to guide me I was completely alone. I found myself getting into mind altering drugs, and indulging in study and fantasy to help increase my creativity abilities. I had many ideas for novels and books, but only finished one of them and it was rejected. When I learned how hard it is to get anywhere as a writer I lost hope.

I also learned what the Apostles said was something you could take or leave. Living here in America where men and women are equal and women are exposed there was no conception of the natural order of things such as Christ is the head of the man, the man is the head of the woman. The woman should be covered. I figured since our whole so-called Christian nation ignored this then it must just be semantics. I didn't see any good or evil in this per say, no when Paul said "does not nature teach us that long hair on a man is disgraceful." My father had long hair and I thought it was pretty cool myself. Of course I had no idea the pagans consider God a hermaphordite and were trying to make humanity this way through androgyny.

 

[Phaedron777]

Serving the Lord

Well I wasn't a church-goer, and definitely wasn't high society. I didn't wear a suit, bear an attractive appearance, or have the sort of charming persona that would be cut out to teaching a world full of normal and mundane people about our savior Jesus Christ. I see such people with successful lives serving the lord in this manner all the time, and I just marvel and wonder at them. I asked God to give me a divine mission, but he didn't speak to me or give me any dreams, and when I asked him for Love he took away my family so God and I weren't on good terms. I gave up on trying to serve him and started to believe he hated me. I figured it would work out though, cause I had this long term goal of writing novels and if that made me rich I would then be able to do something like start a church or help others in some way.

How was it that I had some vain hope of getting rich, yet didn't seek out money or even get a job. I have a big blind spot, and I get lost easily. School didn't go well, I was put in special ed for being too emotionally, really I just didn't care about most of what I was learning there. I was taught friendship with the world was enmity against God so I was comfortable in being a complete rebel.

Once in a world I came across some scriptures like honor the laws of the land, which I thought went against the greater dynamic of opposing the world and siding with God, and dying for him, and losing your life for him, and ye cannot serve God and money, etc. So I figured it was stupid and did break many laws, especially in my drug days.

My father had this reoccuring nightmare about the beast chained up to something in his garage, and a child of light, devoured by him, sending him off into an abyss in the north wall. I thought that I was that child of light, and had some sort of sacred mission in this world. I was self righteous and arrogant, puffed up, and untrusting of anyone, with enmity placed between me and God and me and the church, and didn't know who I could possibly turn to.

My approach to the great commission

I figured everyone knew about Christianity, except in foreign countries, so the real battlefield was in the philosophy. I made agreements with people to have an open mind to their beliefs if they would have an open mind to mine. Everyone being stiff necked and closeminded was why we have a gazillion churchs that each claim they are the only way to salvation. This was incredible stupid.

Moreover I was confident that God was the truth and I could prove his existence somehow and that I could face any other religion and come out okay. Well it backfired. The more conversations with people I had the more I found myself thinking religion was stupid, or that everyone should be saved, reincarnation might be true, but still wasn't worth believing in, etc.

I failed to realize this was not God's way. He didn't want to be proven logically, but embraced via a leap of faith. Moreover, I had no understanding of his wanting to only serve a small flock of predestined, preordained people. I figured God wanted to save everyone.

Apparantly the true way to do the work of God is to be lead by the spirit to people who are predestined and therefore will listen to what you have to say, because God will open their hearts. My approach was going against the tide of ever increasing strong delusion that God was giving to the world who wouldn't make that leap of faith.

Learning to recognize and overcome my rebellion to God

We all repress something. After the tragedies in my life things were bitter between me and God. I could not maintain a clear conscience since I felt guilty for the death of my family, and indeed I fell into other sins because of it. I wound up becoming a lawless sinner who went in the way of cain, and I did it all for God, ironically enough. It was as if Christianity was nothing more then a curse that held me back and ruined my life, rather then a blessing of obedience onto holiness and life.

To start with, I was angry with God for allowing the world to be the way it is. I would get angry at video games and curse out loud, saying that Jesus was a crutch and he worshipped the devil. I didn't really mean to, but there was truth in that satan is the lord of this world, and I wondered why God allowed it to be so. People take advantage of grace, even using it as an excuse not to seek out righteousness. I would have rather had a savior who took rulership of the world instead of dying for our sins and allowing many of his followers to be tortured and killed in his name.

Yeah, the world is evil, everyone is a sin, I saw only negativity in Christianity and my life was indeed entirely negative all the time. Just as the occultist call it the right-hand black path. Needless to say God is the primary focus of the average person or even the average Christian. Their job is, their pride, their lives with their friends and family, and looking down on others. All of this is typical of human nature.

Then years after not getting along with my step-father to the point that I wound up lying, stealing, and doing drugs. I started getting into astrology and numerology and speaking to angels and other new-age things and concepts and Christianity was looking dumber and dumber all the time. The evil was so great that the love of many grew cold, mine especially. When I learned about the Zionist Illuminati I wondered if the Bible was all fake and used to control people. I finally found love, it lasted for a year, she was wiccan, and at the time I thought the "do as you will and harm none" to be the most enlightened philosophy on earth.

My grandfather was always bitter and complaining about how everyone is only out for themselves out here and how none of his jobs every worked out and how he was fired because people were jealous of his talent and thought they might be replaced. In essence the more I learned about the rat race the more I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. I was in the unique position of not being forced to get a job. I even knew people who went to college to get some kind of fancy degree and wound up working a two-bit job with a $50,000 debt to pay off. Screw that. F the system in the name of God. Christianarchy now and forever.

Awakening

Then I really woke up and realized I was backsliding and approaching apostasy and falling away. Here is when I really saw my own weaknesses, my own sinfulness, and felt the compassion to understand why Jesus had to die for our sins. Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore if there were a gazillion churches. People in all of them were saved. Suddenly, I didn't care if no one could fully understand the Bible, I read it everyday and did my best to understand it.

Suddenly I felt the joy of what it's like to be fully born again. See, being saved as a child I didn't know the difference between the old man and the new man. I was trying to justify my own ideals of self righteousness, divine anarchy, love, and failed to make it anywhere in the real world. I had a very humbling experience and now I don't feel so different from anyone else. I forgave God for his lack of involvement in this world, it's the least I could do since he died to forgive the very people who killed him.

I went to a non-denominational church and found I actually enjoyed it. I don't believe sunday is right day to worship, but it's better then no day. I felt joy in praise and in song and people were actually kind and full of love. I was pleasantly surprised, whereas before I only expected cold hypocrisy everywhere I went. Indeed the few churchs I did attend when I was younger, all they did was go to mcdonalds with youth groups, and people were generally cold and unfeeling to me.

I went through some deep fasting and repentance and did a lot of learning and research. Now that I'm older and more sensible and sick of slouching around the house I was finally ready to consider getting a job or even becoming a missionary. I wanted to feel alive and do something for God since things were only going to get worse all in all, but then I concluded it was too late.

I have concluded the tribulation began in 2008 and we will see the mark being enforced upon us very soon, sometime in 2011. I believe 2012 is the end since I was little, so I didn't put much stock on being healthy, getting old, taking care of my temple, etc

Back to Christianarchy

After living in that world for a few months I realized it's just not me. Once again I am just a believer, though I do still go to that church, I also honor the Sabbath, obey his commandments, I am a free person and I insist on doing things my way, not the convoluted way of the system, and that is how I will die ultimately.

Now that I don't think there is time to do anything, I'm just going to play the hand I was dealt and proclaim the glorious religion of Christianarchy, that is completely hating the system and the world in the name of God and wanting to live without government like hippies. People perfected in love who live for God and to serve one another don't need anyone ruling over them, especially not the likes of satan. War, money, greed, rich and poor, these things are of evil and of this world.

We are a people without a king, henceforth we are without true government until our king returns. We are just trying to honor the laws of the lands we live in to survive until then, but that is not enough for our leaders who insist upon chipping us and gaining ultimate control. They are already hunting us down and killing us in 17 countries and soon worldwide. Why not go all the way. I get to be an anarchist in the name of Christ, except without the violence and killing.