looking for sound advice

[egibson133]

I am looking for some honest advice. Feel free to tell it like it is

I am 26 and have been single for about a year, I'm not big into the going out and trying to meet women at bars and such so I decided to try out online dating back in November. I told myself that I wasn't going to settle for just anyone and that I was going to keep my options open. I've went out on multiple promising dates since then but I didn't feel a good connection with any of them once we met so I decided to stop looking and see what happened.

Mental Check list for what I desire in a woman (i'm pretty simple lol)
-physical attraction obviously-loves God and isn't afraid to tell the world-good communicator-not afraid to be goofy-isn't rude to waiters/waitresses-wants kids-isn't afraid to talk about their feelings

At the beginning of February I met a woman (L), we went out on a date and connected immediately. She has a 3 year old son (i love kids). A simple Friday date turned into another date Saturday night and once again on Sunday evening. She is beautiful, caring, smart and compassionate. We talked about our life goals and dreams, we talked about our faith and what we want in a relationship. Things were going great! I honestly felt like someone was reading my mind for what I wanted in a woman and put her in front of me. L has a steady job, she raises her son without child support or help from others, she speaks 2 languages, volunteers at a summer camp for people with learning dissabilities (this is huge for me because my sister has learning dissabilities) On the third date (sunday) L really opened up to me and told me that she was falling in love with me and it scared her because it was so soon. She said everything felt so right and that it felt like we had met years ago. I couldn't agree more! This went on for almost 3 weeks after meeting in person for the first time. after 2 weeks and 6 dates of getting to know each other, she introduced me to her son, her entire family and her closest friends (things were still going great) the following weekend we had made plans for L to meet my family. I wouldn't classify myself a super sensitive guy but I will say that I tend to notice when things are different. Subtle things like body language, tone of voice and even the way someone texts back. The whole week leading up to meeting my family, things seemed off. It just wasn't the same. I brushed it off for a couple of days thinking she was either busy or just nervous to meet my family. Thursday came around and she was still acting odd. When I asked her about it, she said I was over thinking it and that everything was fine. L went from telling me that she was head over heels in love with me, that I was the guy she had been praying for and that she could picture a future with me to now barely saying 10 words all day, dodging talking about what was going on and what seemed like ignoring me. I decided to give her space the rest of the day Thursday and most of Friday until she called me Friday afternoon (around 1). She apologized for being distant and thanked me for not blowing up her phone and giving her space without her having to ask for it. She asked me to stop by after work that day because she missed me, I told her I would be there around 7:00. 5:00rolls around, she says she has to stop by her friends house to help her with some crafts and if we can change it to 9 to which i said yes. 8 comes with a text saying she needed a night to herself to relax and that we would talk tomorrow. I said sure, that's fine. I decided to stay in Friday night and clean up the house a bit instead of going out with friends. She called me again at 11 apologizing once more and saying please come over, I miss you and just want to see you before I meet your family tomorrow. I hesitated but agreed. Got there around midnight, walked into her apartment. I didn't get the usual hug (no biggie) but i didn't even get a "hi", we went to the couch where she sat at one end texting non stop and i sat at the other. i tried talking to her and seeing what was going on. after 30 minutes of silence and only getting 5 words out of her, i told her i was going to give her some more space and if she wasn't ready to meet my family yet that we could reschedule. she responded with "K".. didn't say bye or anything, I spent the hour drive home racking my brain trying to figure out what in the world was going on. the next morning she said she "forgot" she had to work and that we would have to reschedule meeting my family. not a single word exchanged all day saturday. Sunday she told me she needed time to think. I said okay and let her have her space (i haven't always been able to do this) in prior years, i'd be a insecure worry wart, calling/texting and asking what was wrong and how i could change to be better for them. but past failed relationships taught me to actually give them space. L was the first woman to get me to open up and not hold back anything. Up until that point she was the most loving and wonderful woman i had ever met. we had soooo many similarities. i honestly pictured my future with her and her son in it. a week went by without hearing from her. sent her a text after a week saying that i was thinking about her and that i hoped she was doing well. she responded and we started to text again(said she was too busy to call or see eachother) i figured she was trying to let me down easy instead of just ending things so i decided i wasn't going to be a doormat for her to come and go. I wasn't going to go out of my way to see/talk to her. if she wanted to see or talk to me, she would have to initiate it.

2 weeks later, I logged back onto the dating app to close my account. I had quite a few messages, i didn't plan on opening any of them but one jumped out at me. we will call her (S). we exchanged messages and instantly clicked. we continued to chat back and forth for a week and set a date that friday to meet. during that week L was reaching out to me more.. opening up to me again, bringing all my feelings i had for her back to the surface. I was very reserved with L and tried not to get to emotionally invested in her again until she showed that it was real this time (everyone makes mistakes, i at least wanted to hear her out before i moved on completely). Friday comes and i meet S. Once again, it was if someone was reading my mind for what i wanted in a woman, except this time it was different. S and i spent 6 hours at the same place just talking. this woman is absolutely fascinating. she is a nurse, single mother to a 5 year old. loves Jesus, loves her church, and she also volunteers at a home fore people with learning disabilities. 2 of those hours were spent talking about what we were studying in scripture. we talked about how many kids we want and everything in between. S did tell me that she can't have anymore kids due to health reasons but that she wanted to adopt. she admitted that a couple years prior, she has suffered from depression and that she received help for it. I appreciated how honest and upfront she was. once again a simple friday date turned into a date on saturday and sunday.. Just like L, S told me on the third date that she was falling for me and could see a future with me. at this point, i feel like i'm in some sort of crazy romantic comedy movie. in a month and a halfs time, two girls told me they were in love with me after 3 dates. it was just crazy in my mind, because the feelings were mutual with me.. for both of them.

the monday after the 3rd date with S, L had texted me.. pouring out everything. apologizing for leaving me in the dark. she said that she got scared because "things were getting too real, too quick" and that she was afraid to get hurt so she put up her walls so she could process everything.... my brain was officially mush lol i didn't and still don't know how to process any of this. everyone has their flaws, everyone makes mistakes. i've prayed about it and i continue to pray about it. since november, i have went on numerous dates with numerous people with dud after dud. and then BAM, two women drop into my life with everything i have ever wanted in a partner. I connect with both of them more than anyone i have ever met in my entire life. they are both hard working. they both make me feel things i've never felt before. this may sound dumb and immature but i honestly don't know what to do. i can picture a future with either of them. i don't want to string anyone along, i need to cut ties with one of them but i'm not sure how to process it. i'm big on communication, L seems to struggle with this a bit. I know it's not her fault but i still think about the fact that S can't have children. both of these women stimulate me intellectually and emotionally more than anyone i've encountered. L and S both are beautiful, loving, compassionate, single mothers who raised their sons on their own with no help, both are very well educated with great jobs, and both are involved with people with special needs

i know this is a lot and is very scattered/jumbled. i'm not sure if i'm looking for a deciding answer from anyone on what to. i've never posted anything like this to an online forum. any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[stuart lawrence]

I am looking for some honest advice. Feel free to tell it like it is

I am 26 and have been single for about a year, I'm not big into the going out and trying to meet women at bars and such so I decided to try out online dating back in November. I told myself that I wasn't going to settle for just anyone and that I was going to keep my options open. I've went out on multiple promising dates since then but I didn't feel a good connection with any of them once we met so I decided to stop looking and see what happened.

Mental Check list for what I desire in a woman (i'm pretty simple lol)
-physical attraction obviously-loves God and isn't afraid to tell the world-good communicator-not afraid to be goofy-isn't rude to waiters/waitresses-wants kids-isn't afraid to talk about their feelings

At the beginning of February I met a woman (L), we went out on a date and connected immediately. She has a 3 year old son (i love kids). A simple Friday date turned into another date Saturday night and once again on Sunday evening. She is beautiful, caring, smart and compassionate. We talked about our life goals and dreams, we talked about our faith and what we want in a relationship. Things were going great! I honestly felt like someone was reading my mind for what I wanted in a woman and put her in front of me. L has a steady job, she raises her son without child support or help from others, she speaks 2 languages, volunteers at a summer camp for people with learning dissabilities (this is huge for me because my sister has learning dissabilities) On the third date (sunday) L really opened up to me and told me that she was falling in love with me and it scared her because it was so soon. She said everything felt so right and that it felt like we had met years ago. I couldn't agree more! This went on for almost 3 weeks after meeting in person for the first time. after 2 weeks and 6 dates of getting to know each other, she introduced me to her son, her entire family and her closest friends (things were still going great) the following weekend we had made plans for L to meet my family. I wouldn't classify myself a super sensitive guy but I will say that I tend to notice when things are different. Subtle things like body language, tone of voice and even the way someone texts back. The whole week leading up to meeting my family, things seemed off. It just wasn't the same. I brushed it off for a couple of days thinking she was either busy or just nervous to meet my family. Thursday came around and she was still acting odd. When I asked her about it, she said I was over thinking it and that everything was fine. L went from telling me that she was head over heels in love with me, that I was the guy she had been praying for and that she could picture a future with me to now barely saying 10 words all day, dodging talking about what was going on and what seemed like ignoring me. I decided to give her space the rest of the day Thursday and most of Friday until she called me Friday afternoon (around 1). She apologized for being distant and thanked me for not blowing up her phone and giving her space without her having to ask for it. She asked me to stop by after work that day because she missed me, I told her I would be there around 7:00. 5:00rolls around, she says she has to stop by her friends house to help her with some crafts and if we can change it to 9 to which i said yes. 8 comes with a text saying she needed a night to herself to relax and that we would talk tomorrow. I said sure, that's fine. I decided to stay in Friday night and clean up the house a bit instead of going out with friends. She called me again at 11 apologizing once more and saying please come over, I miss you and just want to see you before I meet your family tomorrow. I hesitated but agreed. Got there around midnight, walked into her apartment. I didn't get the usual hug (no biggie) but i didn't even get a "hi", we went to the couch where she sat at one end texting non stop and i sat at the other. i tried talking to her and seeing what was going on. after 30 minutes of silence and only getting 5 words out of her, i told her i was going to give her some more space and if she wasn't ready to meet my family yet that we could reschedule. she responded with "K".. didn't say bye or anything, I spent the hour drive home racking my brain trying to figure out what in the world was going on. the next morning she said she "forgot" she had to work and that we would have to reschedule meeting my family. not a single word exchanged all day saturday. Sunday she told me she needed time to think. I said okay and let her have her space (i haven't always been able to do this) in prior years, i'd be a insecure worry wart, calling/texting and asking what was wrong and how i could change to be better for them. but past failed relationships taught me to actually give them space. L was the first woman to get me to open up and not hold back anything. Up until that point she was the most loving and wonderful woman i had ever met. we had soooo many similarities. i honestly pictured my future with her and her son in it. a week went by without hearing from her. sent her a text after a week saying that i was thinking about her and that i hoped she was doing well. she responded and we started to text again(said she was too busy to call or see eachother) i figured she was trying to let me down easy instead of just ending things so i decided i wasn't going to be a doormat for her to come and go. I wasn't going to go out of my way to see/talk to her. if she wanted to see or talk to me, she would have to initiate it.

2 weeks later, I logged back onto the dating app to close my account. I had quite a few messages, i didn't plan on opening any of them but one jumped out at me. we will call her (S). we exchanged messages and instantly clicked. we continued to chat back and forth for a week and set a date that friday to meet. during that week L was reaching out to me more.. opening up to me again, bringing all my feelings i had for her back to the surface. I was very reserved with L and tried not to get to emotionally invested in her again until she showed that it was real this time (everyone makes mistakes, i at least wanted to hear her out before i moved on completely). Friday comes and i meet S. Once again, it was if someone was reading my mind for what i wanted in a woman, except this time it was different. S and i spent 6 hours at the same place just talking. this woman is absolutely fascinating. she is a nurse, single mother to a 5 year old. loves Jesus, loves her church, and she also volunteers at a home fore people with learning disabilities. 2 of those hours were spent talking about what we were studying in scripture. we talked about how many kids we want and everything in between. S did tell me that she can't have anymore kids due to health reasons but that she wanted to adopt. she admitted that a couple years prior, she has suffered from depression and that she received help for it. I appreciated how honest and upfront she was. once again a simple friday date turned into a date on saturday and sunday.. Just like L, S told me on the third date that she was falling for me and could see a future with me. at this point, i feel like i'm in some sort of crazy romantic comedy movie. in a month and a halfs time, two girls told me they were in love with me after 3 dates. it was just crazy in my mind, because the feelings were mutual with me.. for both of them.

the monday after the 3rd date with S, L had texted me.. pouring out everything. apologizing for leaving me in the dark. she said that she got scared because "things were getting too real, too quick" and that she was afraid to get hurt so she put up her walls so she could process everything.... my brain was officially mush lol i didn't and still don't know how to process any of this. everyone has their flaws, everyone makes mistakes. i've prayed about it and i continue to pray about it. since november, i have went on numerous dates with numerous people with dud after dud. and then BAM, two women drop into my life with everything i have ever wanted in a partner. I connect with both of them more than anyone i have ever met in my entire life. they are both hard working. they both make me feel things i've never felt before. this may sound dumb and immature but i honestly don't know what to do. i can picture a future with either of them. i don't want to string anyone along, i need to cut ties with one of them but i'm not sure how to process it. i'm big on communication, L seems to struggle with this a bit. I know it's not her fault but i still think about the fact that S can't have children. both of these women stimulate me intellectually and emotionally more than anyone i've encountered. L and S both are beautiful, loving, compassionate, single mothers who raised their sons on their own with no help, both are very well educated with great jobs, and both are involved with people with special needs

i know this is a lot and is very scattered/jumbled. i'm not sure if i'm looking for a deciding answer from anyone on what to. i've never posted anything like this to an online forum. any advice would be greatly appreciated

I read your entire post.
I met a woman on a Christian dating site. For the first week she was chatting to ne non stop. She talked very enthusiastically about God, and went to many meetings outside of weekend worship. She had three children. We met and got on great. She lived in ireland( I'm in the UK) so we could not meet again for two weeks. The first couple of days she got back to Ireland she chatted to me a lot on the phone, or the Internet. Then she contacted me less and less. After two weeks she came to the uk to see me again. We chatted about God, and talked of a future together. However, something deep inside of me felt uneasy about her. I somehow knew when she returned to Ireland she wouldn't chat to me that much. One call late at night, or a message on the internet, no more. And that is how it turned out to be. I knew something was wrong. But then, I'm in my fifties, and please don't be offended, but the older you get the quicker you see the danger signs.
I got down on my knees and asked God to show me if didn't want me to see the woman again. A few days later, through what I can only describe as a miracle I found out she was chatting to someone else and making arrangements to see him.

I will continue I a seperate post

 

[stuart lawrence]

You learn things through life, and you learn by your mistakes. I wouldn't say this to you, if what you describe wasn't so similar to what I have more than once known in my own life.
I think it I almost certain L has either been seeing, or corresponding with someone else. What you describe is the classic actions of someone who is doing that.
People who join internet dating websites are lonely and vulnerable( and I am speaking of myself too!) if a woman on a second or third date will tell you she loves you and wants a future with you, That maybe wonderful to hear, but it is not to be trusted. If she will tell you that, she will tell others that too. No one can make such a commitment so quickly and mean it. Many who go on these websites keep their options open, they are chatting to, or meeting more than one person at a time. I got married over twenty years ago to a woman with two children( she died of cancer) and it worked. But to meet a woman on the internet with a child, though it can work, you have to see it for what it is. The woman wants security, as you do. And you can make all the rash statements of love you like after the first or second date, but there's no way you can love anyone so quickly, its just words. And in my experience, if someone tells you they love you and want a future with you after a couple of dates, they are normally someone best steered clear of.
In my view, if you want my opinion, you should never see L again. But I wouldn't blame you if you did. Loneliness isn't nice. But enter into a relationship rashly, with alarm bells ringing in your head, and you can suffer badly for it. I know!!!!!

Feel free to contact me by pm if you want to, or simply by response here. I genuinely only have your best interests in what I have written

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I agree with stuart that you can't love someone after 2-3 dates when you barely know the person at that point. You can lust someone sure but true love no. These women don't sound any good to me. Dropping the L bomb so soon and while i'm sure telling other men they love them as well. These just don't sound like quality people although they may present themselves that way. The fact is you don't know these women very well and it is my suggestion you take the loss and move on. Internet dating is such a precarious situation because just because you go on a date with someone doesn't mean that person has stopped looking for someone "better". You may have stopped looking and been satisfied but these women clearly weren't satisfied and wanted more than you could offer. I'd forget these chicks and maybe take a break to get my mind right then decide what I wanted to do and how to go about it. But you might be better off finding someone without children who isn't so quick to say they love you etc.

 

[DaisyDay]

Date them both for a while - just don't lie about it. Until you both agree to be exclusive, you don't have to be. It will probably make you seem more attractive to both of them, knowing that you are not needy.

 

[rockytopva]

*The true worth of a man is to be measured by the objects he pursues.
*From Rusticus I received the impression that my character required improvement and discipline
*Every man's life lies within the present; for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.
*A mans worth is no greater than his ambitions.
*In the morning let this thought be present: I am rising to a man's work.
*Be satisfied with your business, and learn to love what you were bred to do.
*Our life is what our thoughts make it.
*To live happy is an inward power of the soul
*The one thing worth living for is to keep one's soul pure.-Marcus Aurelius

*A man can be short, dumpy, and getting bald, but if he has fire, women will like him.-Mae West

In this day and time I simply would lose myself in some good work. If you find excitement, fire, and joy in such work finding a mate will be much easier. If a woman senses a loss of direction it will hit that off button of theirs.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

were these women in previous marriages?

 

[Deadworm]

Your understandable penchant for getting too infatuated too soon may have irreparably damaged your chances for a mature relationship with either L or S. An exciting woman can do that to a man after a string of unfufilling dates. From the limited information you provided, here are my 2 other chief concerns:
(1) Both women may be coming to you as emotionally damaged goods in the sense that both conceived a child in a relationship that ended badly. Here are some questions I'd ask myself: Are either or both women divorced? Who rejected whom and why? Was either woman the victim of a love-her-and leave her sexual fling? How forthcoming have these women been about the birth father? Are either or both of them dating other men, while also seeing you?

Whatever "the other guy's" story is, their break-up likely created a mental tape that replays in L and S's head and will condition their reaction to you in times of emotional disconnect. The ghost of the other guy will likely haunt your relationship in times of conflict. In psychology, this phenomenon is called unconscious projection.

(2) L is the willing victim of what in psychology is terms an approach-withdrawal conflict. The more distant she feels from you, the more her loneliness, desire for companionship, and fear that "the right man" won't want to marry a woman with child will kick in. But the closer she feels to you, the more fear of making the wrong choice--the fear of the same old failed soap opera--will kick in and produce emotional coldness and a need to distance herself. For me, the greatest red flag about L is the probability that she just doesn't know herself and her feelings very well. On the other hand, the fact that you can sit and talk for hours with S is a good sign.

I think you need to know as much as possible about the psychological dynamics that sabotaged L and S's relationship with their child's birth father. When you two are having problems, she will unconsciously project the image of the birth father onto you in subtle unconscious ways. But L and S will likely take offense at direct questions about these 2 guys. So great skill is needed in eliciting information about these 2 men. Perhaps, you could ask if their child has a healthy relationship with his/her father and whether the Dad's ongoing role in L and S's life is problematic for them.

 

[egibson133]

I read your entire post.
I met a woman on a Christian dating site. For the first week she was chatting to ne non stop. She talked very enthusiastically about God, and went to many meetings outside of weekend worship. She had three children. We met and got on great. She lived in ireland( I'm in the UK) so we could not meet again for two weeks. The first couple of days she got back to Ireland she chatted to me a lot on the phone, or the Internet. Then she contacted me less and less. After two weeks she came to the uk to see me again. We chatted about God, and talked of a future together. However, something deep inside of me felt uneasy about her. I somehow knew when she returned to Ireland she wouldn't chat to me that much. One call late at night, or a message on the internet, no more. And that is how it turned out to be. I knew something was wrong. But then, I'm in my fifties, and please don't be offended, but the older you get the quicker you see the danger signs.
I got down on my knees and asked God to show me if didn't want me to see the woman again. A few days later, through what I can only describe as a miracle I found out she was chatting to someone else and making arrangements to see him.

I will continue I a seperate post

I noticed these danger signs along the way. It was just subtle things here and there that kept building up. When I began seeing L, I prayed every day for God to show me what he wanted. That if she was a good fit for my life and spiritual growth to show me what i needed to improve on and change to lead her and have a life with her. and that if she wasn't what he planned for me, to show me.

You learn things through life, and you learn by your mistakes. I wouldn't say this to you, if what you describe wasn't so similar to what I have more than once known in my own life.
I think it I almost certain L has either been seeing, or corresponding with someone else. What you describe is the classic actions of someone who is doing that.
People who join internet dating websites are lonely and vulnerable( and I am speaking of myself too!) if a woman on a second or third date will tell you she loves you and wants a future with you, That maybe wonderful to hear, but it is not to be trusted. If she will tell you that, she will tell others that too. No one can make such a commitment so quickly and mean it. Many who go on these websites keep their options open, they are chatting to, or meeting more than one person at a time. I got married over twenty years ago to a woman with two children( she died of cancer) and it worked. But to meet a woman on the internet with a child, though it can work, you have to see it for what it is. The woman wants security, as you do. And you can make all the rash statements of love you like after the first or second date, but there's no way you can love anyone so quickly, its just words. And in my experience, if someone tells you they love you and want a future with you after a couple of dates, they are normally someone best steered clear of.
In my view, if you want my opinion, you should never see L again. But I wouldn't blame you if you did. Loneliness isn't nice. But enter into a relationship rashly, with alarm bells ringing in your head, and you can suffer badly for it. I know!!!!!

Feel free to contact me by pm if you want to, or simply by response here. I genuinely only have your best interests in what I have written

I agree that it is classic actions for someone who is seeing another person. I know this, because I am guilty of it in the past as well. 9 times out of 10, if my gut is telling me something, it is correct. one part of me thinks that she really means what she is saying, the other part thinks she loves the "idea" of me. L believes in God, grew up in church, but says she isn't currently going to a church because she hasn't found the right one yet. I'm not trying to make excuses for either of them. I'm just trying to talk it out and think it through. I try to put myself in other peoples shoes before making decisions and assumptions. my biggest pet peeve towards L is that she went from saying she was the type to talk it out right away, not walking away and ignoring it to doing exactly the exact opposite.. i'm the talker, the one who wants to work it out right away. i'm not the type to run away from my problems/feelings

I agree with stuart that you can't love someone after 2-3 dates when you barely know the person at that point. You can lust someone sure but true love no. These women don't sound any good to me. Dropping the L bomb so soon and while i'm sure telling other men they love them as well. These just don't sound like quality people although they may present themselves that way. The fact is you don't know these women very well and it is my suggestion you take the loss and move on. Internet dating is such a precarious situation because just because you go on a date with someone doesn't mean that person has stopped looking for someone "better". You may have stopped looking and been satisfied but these women clearly weren't satisfied and wanted more than you could offer. I'd forget these chicks and maybe take a break to get my mind right then decide what I wanted to do and how to go about it. But you might be better off finding someone without children who isn't so quick to say they love you etc.

Let's not forget that S didn't do anything shady. I can look into her eyes and see that she means what she says. My only hang up with her is that she physically cannot have more children (that's something I would have to come to terms with) S is like the female version of me when it comes to personality, goofiness, honesty and openness. That woman absolutely fascinates me intellectually, emotionally and physically. Before the third date, she texted me asked if she could get real and weird and personal with me. i said yes of course and then she said
"So, 100% disclosure. I have lost my way a lot over the years. I've had some very disheartening situations and I have lost my faith when I should have been pulled closer to God. I struggle with my faith. I still pray every night with my son, and ask him to guide me. But honestly I have lost my way. I know it sounds cheesy, and maybe a little "lazy" but I've prayed and prayed for him to bring someone into my world that can lead me back to Him. Now, I'm not saying that's you, and even if it is, it might just be as friends.... but I'm just giving you full disclosure. Because I definitely didn't think that would be stumbled upon on a dating site" ---- she even still says "yes, i've fallen for you. But even if this only stays a friendship, I would be okay with that. Because the friendship we have created so far is worth far more than never speaking to eachother again" --- she's just so honest and open about every aspect of her life, it's amazing. Something about L pulls me back. it's like i have these two forces pulling me in both directions, it's exhausting and amazing at the same time

Date them both for a while - just don't lie about it. Until you both agree to be exclusive, you don't have to be. It will probably make you seem more attractive to both of them, knowing that you are not needy.

I told both of them in the beginning that I was dating around for now and seeing where things go. I haven't made either one of them a priority over the other.

*The true worth of a man is to be measured by the objects he pursues.
*From Rusticus I received the impression that my character required improvement and discipline
*Every man's life lies within the present; for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.
*A mans worth is no greater than his ambitions.
*In the morning let this thought be present: I am rising to a man's work.
*Be satisfied with your business, and learn to love what you were bred to do.
*Our life is what our thoughts make it.
*To live happy is an inward power of the soul
*The one thing worth living for is to keep one's soul pure.-Marcus Aurelius

*A man can be short, dumpy, and getting bald, but if he has fire, women will like him.-Mae West

In this day and time I simply would lose myself in some good work. If you find excitement, fire, and joy in such work finding a mate will be much easier. If a woman senses a loss of direction it will hit that off button of theirs.

this is no problem whatsoever, i work 70-80 hours a week. I'm very involved in my church as well when i'm not at work and also do graphic design on the side ontop of all that.

were these women in previous marriages?

L was with her sons dad for 6 years (not married) she says they co-parent well but don't work well together in a relationship. S was with her sons dad throughout the pregnancy (not married) he left when their son was 6 months old for his coworker

 

[Spiritlight]

Since your wanting sound advice I'll try for you.

Ask an old long term married couple you know at church about the keys to relationships. They obviously know something.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

illicit relationships. well, there's forgiveness for that if they repent.

you need to talk to L and let her know how you felt about her giving you the stiff arm as far as becoming distant. you don't want to be wed to someone who is going to just check out of communication for no reason at all. she told you she loved you, hold her to that. being distant from the person you love is not an example of love, regardless of her reason for doing it. you need to take initiative in attempting to further communication with her. ask her to go to some church events or outings with you(I would actually discourage being with her alone frequently or for long periods of time). if she really is interested in you enough to tell you that she loved you, she'll be willing to go with you. people tend to make time for the things(and people)that are important to them.

if she flakes out, time to move on.

 

[egibson133]

Your understandable penchant for getting too infatuated too soon may have irreparably damaged your chances for a mature relationship with either L or S. An exciting woman can do that to a man after a string of unfufilling dates. From the limited information you provided, here are my 2 other chief concerns:
(1) Both women may be coming to you as emotionally damaged goods in the sense that both conceived a child in a relationship that ended badly. Here are some questions I'd ask myself: Are either or both women divorced? Who rejected whom and why? Was either woman the victim of a love-her-and leave her sexual fling? How forthcoming have these women been about the birth father? Are either or both of them dating other men, while also seeing you?

Whatever "the other guy's" story is, their break-up likely created a mental tape that replays in L and S's head and will condition their reaction to you in times of emotional disconnect. The ghost of the other guy will likely haunt your relationship in times of conflict. In psychology, this phenomenon is called unconscious projection.

(2) L is the willing victim of what in psychology is terms an approach-withdrawal conflict. The more distant she feels from you, the more her loneliness, desire for companionship, and fear that "the right man" won't want to marry a woman with child will kick in. But the closer she feels to you, the more fear of making the wrong choice--the fear of the same old failed soap opera--will kick in and produce emotional coldness and a need to distance herself. For me, the greatest red flag about L is the probability that she just doesn't know herself and her feelings very well. On the other hand, the fact that you can sit and talk for hours with S is a good sign.

I think you need to know as much as possible about the psychological dynamics that sabotaged L and S's relationship with their child's birth father. When you two are having problems, she will unconsciously project the image of the birth father onto you in subtle unconscious ways. But L and S will likely take offense at direct questions about these 2 guys. So great skill is needed in eliciting information about these 2 men. Perhaps, you could ask if their child has a healthy relationship with his/her father and whether the Dad's ongoing role in L and S's life is problematic for them.

thank you for your response, you read me pretty well. My mind wondered a lot when typing everything out and i failed to mention that i am a product of divorce. I was married to the preachers daughter for 3 years until she told me she was divorcing me for her ex because she had been seeing him/sleeping with him for the past year. So i totally get where you are coming from when you say unconscious projection, i try to catch myself before projecting these things but sometimes fail to do so. I definitely get the feeling that L is doing the approach-withdrawal conflict. It seems like every time i back up, she pushes forward. and every time i push forward, she backs up. Neither of the two had one night stands, both of their children have great relationships with their fathers. L's ex admits that he isn't the relationship type, that he will likely never get married or have more children because he is too selfish. and i will admit that L and her ex co-parent very well. S and her ex were together for 5 years before they got pregnant, they had actually separated before she found out she was pregnant because she had caught him with his coworker. once she was pregnant, they tried to work things out but couldn't. they also co-parent very well. her ex is now married and has children with the other woman. neither talk bad about their son's fathers, as they both say it's immature to always talk poorly of your ex (i agree with this 100%, i feel there are always positive things we can all say about our ex)

both have openly told me they weren't seeing other people. I didn't even ask either of them. both want to be exclusive with me. i am not typing all this to sound like i have my life together 100%.. because i don't and they both know it. i like to show the real me from the get go and try not to hide anything. i made it known that i am divorced, that i chew (trying to quit) that i am a feelings person, i work too much (working on that too) and that my faith is VERY important to me. that i snore, talk in my sleep, i tend to talk to much when i'm not supposed to and that i am off the charts ADHD. i let them see the skeletons in my closet and it didn't scare them away

 

[stuart lawrence]

I noticed these danger signs along the way. It was just subtle things here and there that kept building up. When I began seeing L, I prayed every day for God to show me what he wanted. That if she was a good fit for my life and spiritual growth to show me what i needed to improve on and change to lead her and have a life with her. and that if she wasn't what he planned for me, to show me.



I agree that it is classic actions for someone who is seeing another person. I know this, because I am guilty of it in the past as well. 9 times out of 10, if my gut is telling me something, it is correct. one part of me thinks that she really means what she is saying, the other part thinks she loves the "idea" of me. L believes in God, grew up in church, but says she isn't currently going to a church because she hasn't found the right one yet. I'm not trying to make excuses for either of them. I'm just trying to talk it out and think it through. I try to put myself in other peoples shoes before making decisions and assumptions. my biggest pet peeve towards L is that she went from saying she was the type to talk it out right away, not walking away and ignoring it to doing exactly the exact opposite.. i'm the talker, the one who wants to work it out right away. i'm not the type to run away from my problems/feelings



Let's not forget that S didn't do anything shady. I can look into her eyes and see that she means what she says. My only hang up with her is that she physically cannot have more children (that's something I would have to come to terms with) S is like the female version of me when it comes to personality, goofiness, honesty and openness. That woman absolutely fascinates me intellectually, emotionally and physically. Before the third date, she texted me asked if she could get real and weird and personal with me. i said yes of course and then she said
"So, 100% disclosure. I have lost my way a lot over the years. I've had some very disheartening situations and I have lost my faith when I should have been pulled closer to God. I struggle with my faith. I still pray every night with my son, and ask him to guide me. But honestly I have lost my way. I know it sounds cheesy, and maybe a little "lazy" but I've prayed and prayed for him to bring someone into my world that can lead me back to Him. Now, I'm not saying that's you, and even if it is, it might just be as friends.... but I'm just giving you full disclosure. Because I definitely didn't think that would be stumbled upon on a dating site" ---- she even still says "yes, i've fallen for you. But even if this only stays a friendship, I would be okay with that. Because the friendship we have created so far is worth far more than never speaking to eachother again" --- she's just so honest and open about every aspect of her life, it's amazing. Something about L pulls me back. it's like i have these two forces pulling me in both directions, it's exhausting and amazing at the same time



I told both of them in the beginning that I was dating around for now and seeing where things go. I haven't made either one of them a priority over the other.



this is no problem whatsoever, i work 70-80 hours a week. I'm very involved in my church as well when i'm not at work and also do graphic design on the side ontop of all that.



L was with her sons dad for 6 years (not married) she says they co-parent well but don't work well together in a relationship. S was with her sons dad throughout the pregnancy (not married) he left when their son was 6 months old for his coworker

You mentioned your gut feeling.
A woman on another website said:
Trust your gut feeling, it will never let you down. I understand the issue about s not being to have more children. But from what you have written, I would think she should be the only one to consider.
I will be honest with you, in my life I have often been drawn as a magnate to women who don't have much feelings for me( I guess I'm weird) the wrong type. And i paid a huge penalty once for that.
Also, if you find L very attractive physically, that can distort correct judgement. Christians are human after all

 

[egibson133]

Your understandable penchant for getting too infatuated too soon may have irreparably damaged your chances for a mature relationship with either L or S. An exciting woman can do that to a man after a string of unfufilling dates. From the limited information you provided, here are my 2 other chief concerns:
(1) Both women may be coming to you as emotionally damaged goods in the sense that both conceived a child in a relationship that ended badly. Here are some questions I'd ask myself: Are either or both women divorced? Who rejected whom and why? Was either woman the victim of a love-her-and leave her sexual fling? How forthcoming have these women been about the birth father? Are either or both of them dating other men, while also seeing you?

Whatever "the other guy's" story is, their break-up likely created a mental tape that replays in L and S's head and will condition their reaction to you in times of emotional disconnect. The ghost of the other guy will likely haunt your relationship in times of conflict. In psychology, this phenomenon is called unconscious projection.

(2) L is the willing victim of what in psychology is terms an approach-withdrawal conflict. The more distant she feels from you, the more her loneliness, desire for companionship, and fear that "the right man" won't want to marry a woman with child will kick in. But the closer she feels to you, the more fear of making the wrong choice--the fear of the same old failed soap opera--will kick in and produce emotional coldness and a need to distance herself. For me, the greatest red flag about L is the probability that she just doesn't know herself and her feelings very well. On the other hand, the fact that you can sit and talk for hours with S is a good sign.

I think you need to know as much as possible about the psychological dynamics that sabotaged L and S's relationship with their child's birth father. When you two are having problems, she will unconsciously project the image of the birth father onto you in subtle unconscious ways. But L and S will likely take offense at direct questions about these 2 guys. So great skill is needed in eliciting information about these 2 men. Perhaps, you could ask if their child has a healthy relationship with his/her father and whether the Dad's ongoing role in L and S's life is problematic for them.

both are open to talking about their childs father. neither of them get offended at prying questions. and i couldn't agree more with your statement about talking with S for hours on end. S told me that i am the first guy in 2 years that has gotten a second date, the first to make her feel like this. I get the feeling that she is a little on the insecure side, but i don't mind it because i am the same way in some aspects since my ex cheated on me as well. as long as we are on the same page i am good. L on the other hand does not like to see any type of insecurity, she calls it out immediately and says it shows weakness. I feel as if i know who i am more compatible with (S) but part of me pulls towards L at the same time. even if i did know right now, i honestly do care about both of them and don't want to jack either of them up emotionally if they really are "in love" with me like they claim to be

 

[egibson133]

You mentioned your gut feeling.
A woman on another website said:
Trust your gut feeling, it will never let you down. I understand the issue about s not being to have more children. But from what you have written, I would think she should be the only one to consider.
I will be honest with you, in my life I have often been drawn as a magnate to women who don't have much feelings for me( I guess I'm weird) the wrong type. And i paid a huge penalty once for that.
Also, if you find L very attractive physically, that can distort correct judgement. Christians are human after all

my gut has never let me down before. I am also a magnet to these type of women. to be completely honest, both of these women are extremely physically attractive in my eyes. i'd venture to say as far as looks go, they are out of my league. i'm weird as well.. the one that all my friends say "we can't take you anywhere" when we are in public, because i am the odd ball acting goofy, grabbing the harry potter sorting hat from the shelf at target and yelling "gryffindor" lol. i just like to have fun and i don't care who see's my quirky side. both of these women have that same quality. L is a little more on the reserved side and S is the EXACT same level of weird as i am

 

[stuart lawrence]

my gut has never let me down before. I am also a magnet to these type of women. to be completely honest, both of these women are extremely physically attractive in my eyes. i'd venture to say as far as looks go, they are out of my league. i'm weird as well.. the one that all my friends say "we can't take you anywhere" when we are in public, because i am the odd ball acting goofy, grabbing the harry potter sorting hat from the shelf at target and yelling "gryffindor" lol. i just like to have fun and i don't care who see's my quirky side. both of these women have that same quality. L is a little more on the reserved side and S is the EXACT same level of weird as i am

I suspect you may never truly trust L. Speaking from experience, being I a relationship where you cannot trust your partner drags you down to a level you do not want to end up at.
I will tell you the truth. When I was 21 I met the girl of my PHYSICAL dreams. I knew in my gut i should never have gone out with her, but I was enticed by the forbidden fruit.
In my gut I knew something was badly wrong, by her personality alone, but I had the girlfriend I had always physically longed for. The fact we had nothing I common was not the overriding factor. Six months after i met her, I found out she had been unfaithful to me. It hurt badly. For two weeks I did not see her. She kept contacting me, sometimes with tears, pleading it would never happen again.
I followed my flesh, and allowed myself to think she would not do it again( the heart is deceitful) A nightmare followed of gigantic proportion. At work I wondered what she was doing, was she seeing someone else. I became consumed by such thoughts. Concentration at work was difficult. I turned to alcohol to try and erase the thoughts, but of course it didn't work.
She was unfaithful to me again, but I had crossed that line already you see. I had been with her two years now, I was enslaved and could not let go.
I was sinking so low, it was awful. I had been happy, had peace in my life, been confident, but all the goodness was being sucked out of me. Anger, restlessness, loneliness engulfed me, even though I had a girlfriend. I lost jobs. I started gambling as well as drinking. I tried so hard to break free but had no strength to do so.
I took two overdoses. I was weary, I had had enough of living. Life was now hell on earth.
A child was born, a blood test proved he was mine. I knew I my heart the relationship would have to end one day, I couldn't live as I was forever. It was so hard looking at the child as he played with his toys, knowing he must one day lose his fathers presence
After seven years, I was washed out, I felt like an old man, I was spent.
I got down on my knees and begged God to end the relationship any way he saw fit. For i had been happy with Christ before I met this woman. But he could not be close to me while I was with her.
A few weeks later I found out she had another affair. I walked out. But over the next eighteen months I went back and fro, until it was finally finished.
After that, any woman I met I was paranoid they would be unfaithful to me.
Be careful my friend, please be very, very careful what you choose to do

 

[egibson133]

I suspect you may never truly trust L. Speaking from experience, being I a relationship where you cannot trust your partner drags you down to a level you do not want to end up at.
I will tell you the truth. When I was 21 I met the girl of my PHYSICAL dreams. I knew in my gut i should never have gone out with her, but I was enticed by the forbidden fruit.
In my gut I knew something was badly wrong, by her personality alone, but I had the girlfriend I had always physically longed for. The fact we had nothing I common was not the overriding factor. Six months after i met her, I found out she had been unfaithful to me. It hurt badly. For two weeks I did not see her. She kept contacting me, sometimes with tears, pleading it would never happen again.
I followed my flesh, and allowed myself to think she would not do it again( the heart is deceitful) A nightmare followed of gigantic proportion. At work I wondered what she was doing, was she seeing someone else. I became consumed by such thoughts. Concentration at work was difficult. I turned to alcohol to try and erase the thoughts, but of course it didn't work.
She was unfaithful to me again, but I had crossed that line already you see. I had been with her two years now, I was enslaved and could not let go.
I was sinking so low, it was awful. I had been happy, had peace in my life, been confident, but all the goodness was being sucked out of me. Anger, restlessness, loneliness engulfed me, even though I had a girlfriend. I lost jobs. I started gambling as well as drinking. I tried so hard to break free but had no strength to do so.
I took two overdoses. I was weary, I had had enough of living. Life was now hell on earth.
A child was born, a blood test proved he was mine. I knew I my heart the relationship would have to end one day, I couldn't live as I was forever. It was so hard looking at the child as he played with his toys, knowing he must one day lose his fathers presence
After seven years, I was washed out, I felt like an old man, I was spent.
I got down on my knees and begged God to end the relationship any way he saw fit. For i had been happy with Christ before I met this woman. But he could not be close to me while I was with her.
A few weeks later I found out she had another affair. I walked out. But over the next eighteen months I went back and fro, until it was finally finished.
After that, any woman I met I was paranoid they would be unfaithful to me.
Be careful my friend, please be very, very careful what you choose to do

oh man.. that hits home all too well. i went through the exact same thing with my ex wife. while we were dating she was unfaithful. against my better judgment, i stayed with her thinking things would change. ended up marrying her, the worrying was gone for the first month of being married and then i was back to it. it consumed me, always wondering what she was up to while i was at work. remembering the lies and tricks we pulled on her parents while we were dating so she could stay the night. come to find out, i was falling for all those tricks that she used to play on her parents. she worked nights as a nurse.. i would be at home in bed thinking she was at work when in reality she didn't really have to work that night.. she was with her ex.

i am sooo glad that you brought this memory back to me. that is exactly how i feel towards L. i am always wondering what she is up to while i'm at work or not with her. i am a lineman and work is very dangerous.. one wrong move is life or death for me and my coworkers around me. i cannot be letting these things consume me

i need to move on from L.. i just don't know how to do it. something about her pulls me back in. i've met both L and S's kids. i have more than one heart to think about when i end things. not only will it hurt me (i will get over this) but it will affect L and her son (i cant get over that). it makes it very hard especially since her son facetimes me every night (him and i hit it off pretty well) i feel as if God clearly showed me that being in a relationship with L would be a bad idea. i hit my knee's praying hard during those two weeks that L went silent and BAM, here comes S who i clicked with immediately and who is the most genuine, caring and open person i've ever met. I can't say that God brought S into my life, but it sure seems like it with the timing and her personality/qualities

thank you for your response!

 

[rockytopva]

I must insert here... Sin in people's lives makes them unstable. They will love you today and hate you tomorrow. And their unstable ways leads them to pursue fulfillment in sexuality. So you cannot put much weight on them.

 

[egibson133]

I must insert here... Sin in people's lives makes them unstable. They will love you today and hate you tomorrow. And their unstable ways leads them to pursue fulfillment in sexuality. So you cannot put much weight on them.

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure I follow when you say to not put much weight on them

 

[rockytopva]

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure I follow when you say to not put much weight on them

One must watch the things one leans on!

2 Kings 18:21
Now, behold, thou trustest upon the staff of this bruised reed, even upon Egypt, on which if a man lean, it will go into his hand, and pierce it: so is Pharaoh king of Egypt unto all that trust on him.