Looking for relationship advice

[Slider1]

Ok, the title is a little misleading perhaps. I'm not in a relationship at the moment. What I'm looking for is advice on whether I should pursue a relationship or not.

Here's a basic breakdown of the facts/situation:

I am 21 years old.

The girl I like is 16 years old. (and everyone jumps up and says "hold it! she's jailbait! stay away!")

She and I are good friends, I do not have any confirmation she likes me as more than a friend, but she has never done anything to make me question the possibility.

Her dad, who is a pastor at our church, literally approached me and asked me if I liked his daughter, when I told him that I did, he was pretty stoked, and I mentioned that its a little awkward because of the age gap, and he said that he and his wife understood and were okay with it, (his wife has been dropping hints that I would make a great son in law for some time) and I then brought up the fact that it'd be a while before we could date, and he said "not really, you have my permission to date as soon as you'd like."

What should I do??? Proverbs says that "many advisers make plans succeed" so I am looking for as much advice as possible.
I can clarify some things later on if people would like. She is the most mature 16 year old I have ever met, oldest of 5 kids, teaches sunday school, more deeply involved in politics than just about any adults I know, works 3 part time jobs, and is pursuing her relationship with Jesus wholeheartedly.

 

[Macx]

I'd be concerned about the vulnerability you would be accepting. Things are all well and good while we are talking theory, but when the rubber meets the road (not a pun) 16 year old girls are fickle. Giving a 16 year old girl the ability to put you in jail and cause you to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life . . . . well that is an aweful lot of control to give a little girl. The arguments on the other side are- you aren't going to have sex before marriage & she is a very mature 16 year old. The weaknesses of those two arguments - all you have to do is be alone together once and it doesn't matter what you did, it matters what she says you did. Brain development and 16 year olds . . . she may seem mature, but physiology is what it is.

1st - consider remaining good friends, if she is worth waiting for .. . she is worth waiting for and no "label" as dating is going to protect or destroy the relationship. You might be surprised how cool it can be to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and hold the line.

2nd - if you do date, group date. Never allow yourself to be alone with her in a location without witnesses.







* I should add - I have been on the other side of this. When I was young, I knew a guy who did what you are talking about. They started dating when she was 14 and he was 17 I think . . . in any case, pastor's daughter son of a deacon, church's approval, yadda yadda. In comes Mr. Macx around her 18th birthday, all dark and dangerous. No one in their right mind would approve of me dating their daughter, so in the space of an afternoon, she was mine. Of course still being a teen, she was fickle and I didn't keep her, but it sure was fun. There were and always will be guys like I was back then . . .

Oh, and be aware that daddy's approval can make you unattractive to a girl that age . . .. like on the scale of putting on a fat suit and dipping your head in a vat of acne.

 

[alfrodull]

Oh, and be aware that daddy's approval can make you unattractive to a girl that age . . .. like on the scale of putting on a fat suit and dipping your head in a vat of acne.

So very true.

But aside from that, and even the potential statutory rape charges, is the fact that you are in two different stages of life. There are probably 16-year-olds out there who are mature as some 21-year-olds, but to be frank, the life of an average pastor's daughter is not the kind of life it takes for that to happen. You've grown out of the issues a teenager faces, and she won't be able to truly empathize with many of yours until she's had more life experience.

Also, consider: you might have to switch churches if things go sour. Is that something you'd be willing to do?

There are exceptions to every rule of course, but think long and hard before getting yourself into a situation where so much could go wrong.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

I'm 27, and my husband is 22. That means when I was 21, my husband would have been 16.

If I had met him at 21, does that mean I would have dated him?

NO!



If you want to date her, let her grow up first. The fact that her father doesn't really understand that is a little shocking. This isn't the day-and-age of courting, where your father oversaw your relationship at 15, you were married at 16, and were having babies at 17.

It's a different world. People are far more immature at an older age now. What's worse is that the decision-center of your brain does not biologically fully develop until you are in your 20's. That means you can't fully comprehend the long-term issues of your actions until you are 20+, even if you think you can, you are still at a biological disadvantage.

No matter how mature she may seem, she's still just a kid. Leave her be for another few years. If she's as great as you say she is, she'll be even better when she's 20.

 

[explodingboy]

Is 16 jailbait in Canada? and I was fairly certain only the US was backwards enough to have statutory rape laws.

Otherwise, I just got out of a relationship that your about to start, and age never really caused any of out problems, although I will say that these days I'm not going younger than legal drinking age, because it's a part of my weekly nights out.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

16 is the age of consent in Canada. It used to be 14 but they raised it in 2008

But Canada also has a "close in age" exception -- ie: if a 15 year old has sex with a 14 year old, that can bypass the stat rape laws. This also stands to reason that the law might frown on an older age-gaps for teens... a 30 year old and a 16 year old for instance might be able to be introduced under statutory rape. But that's just a theory.

I'm not sure about 21 and 16 though. As it stands though, she's legal in Canada from an age-of-consent standpoint. Though not everything lawful is a good idea.

 

[Slider1]

I believe the laws here allow 5 years in age difference, and after that, both parties must be over the age of 19 (legal age in BC)...(for instance, a 26 yr old cannot date an 18 yr old...or rather, statutory rape charges could be placed yada yada). we are just over 5 years apart as my birthday is before hers.

Good thought about the not letting her know about her father's approval. Things you can't have are always more attractive...

Thanks for all the advice guys...keep it coming im still weighing pros and cons...

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

I live in BC as well.

Statutory rape charges are the least of your problems though. In order for those to be brought about, someone has to press them, and obviously her father wouldn't press them Plus, statutory rape charges are about sex. Sounds like you guys aren't exactly raging for premarital sex anytime soon.

I still think it's a terrible idea though.

 

[TopGear]

If you really think she may be the one, I would be very close friends for maybe a year. "Watch over" her and build a strong friendship. Than start dating, than if everything goes accordingly a ring on her finger - figure this could be around 18 years old. I don't see any problem with the age difference too, especially when the male and the head of the family is older.

 

[BasinBrat]

Try talking to HER. Not to her dad, and not to us. She might not want to go out with you! And if she really likes you, she might even want to have sex with you. While I don't think the age gap is terrible (I was going out with a 21 year old when I was 16) you need to remember that girls of that age can fall in and out of love in a heartbeat, and you will need to communicate. Don't just do what you think is best for her - thats kind of creepy.

 

[KGirl]

I don't see the problem as long as she's into you too. You're lucky that her parents are into it too.

 

[cloudstrife007]

Hey Slider, you're in quite a unique situation. I hope my comments won't come across as offensive or critical as I only hope to provide you with some things to consider.

In a way its great that the parents are for it, but at the same time she isn't even at an age of maturity yet (even if she is super mature for her age). Maybe its a different culture to what I'm used to, but I find it quite weird that everyone immediately thinks about sex and jail bait when it comes to dating someone.

If you are wise about it, after having approval of the parents, the first thing to do is pray about it to God and to talk to God about what you want in the relationship. Is this going to be a potential life long partner? Otherwise there's no point in dating someone.
If you have established that she may be a potential life long partner, then you think about finding out whether she would be interested in dating you.

Finally, if you do plan on dating, PLEASE think about setting rules and boundaries and STICKING with them. This would help maintain your purity and her purity and also prevent any unnecessary temptations for either of you.
e.g. Inform the parents of when you go out with her, only go out with her if its in a public area like a crowded park, mall, etc. So avoid going out late at night, going to quiet parks where its just you two, and even try to avoid driving her just by yourself. Set curfews on when you'll take her home.

These are all things that sound very legalistic, but can be very helpful in maintaining a pure and holy relationship. We are free from the law but we shouldn't do things that cause others to stumble or sin.

As mentioned by others, another thing is her age and her maturity. She might be super mature, but she is still only 16. A lot of people don't fully mature their minds/experiences until they are in their 20s.


Hope you do find a solution and pray that it can be the Godly/wise decision.
Take care brother!

 

[dunjunn]

I think you should let her know how you feel and you both take it from there.

Hope everything works out for you and for her, wherever your roads may lead you.

have a good 1
dunjunn

 

[Trashionista]

It may or may not be legal; but it doesn't sound totally kosher. Unless you want to come across like this classy, debonair gem of a gentleman caller...

...hold off; she's jailbait. At least wait until she's 18. If it's meant to be, waiting two years won't make a difference.

And to be brutally honest, I'd be really curious about why a 21 year old felt they had more in common with a 16 year old versus someone closer to their own age. Generally speaking, twenty-somethings don't roll with teenagers. 18 or 19 would be one thing; 16 is quite another.

 

[yam]

Read Eric and Leslie when Dreames come true. He was 21 and whe was 16. I say wait until she is 18 yo. she is a child, 5 years is a lot ,but if God wants it to happen it will happen.

 

[Sketcher]

Wait until she's a legal adult.

 

[h3sean]

Give it time. Pray hard about it. I think good friends will be a good consideration as of now because she is not of age to get married yet - and not any time soon for that matter.

 

[TanteBelle]

Ok, the title is a little misleading perhaps. I'm not in a relationship at the moment. What I'm looking for is advice on whether I should pursue a relationship or not.

Here's a basic breakdown of the facts/situation:

I am 21 years old.

The girl I like is 16 years old. (and everyone jumps up and says "hold it! she's jailbait! stay away!")

She and I are good friends, I do not have any confirmation she likes me as more than a friend, but she has never done anything to make me question the possibility.

Her dad, who is a pastor at our church, literally approached me and asked me if I liked his daughter, when I told him that I did, he was pretty stoked, and I mentioned that its a little awkward because of the age gap, and he said that he and his wife understood and were okay with it, (his wife has been dropping hints that I would make a great son in law for some time) and I then brought up the fact that it'd be a while before we could date, and he said "not really, you have my permission to date as soon as you'd like."

What should I do??? Proverbs says that "many advisers make plans succeed" so I am looking for as much advice as possible.
I can clarify some things later on if people would like. She is the most mature 16 year old I have ever met, oldest of 5 kids, teaches sunday school, more deeply involved in politics than just about any adults I know, works 3 part time jobs, and is pursuing her relationship with Jesus wholeheartedly.

Personally, I'd advise you to wait till she is 20. By then she will (possibly) have a much firmer head on her shoulders and I do believe that the age of 20 is Bibically considered the age of an adult. Dating or courting and marriage are adult issues. I too, was far more mature for my age than most people 5 years older than me, but I can say for a fact that when I look back, I don't consider myself very wise at that age. Allow her to really find her faith and give her the time and space to grow up and make such decisions when she is an adult.

 

[FreeBird914]

Ok, the title is a little misleading perhaps. I'm not in a relationship at the moment. What I'm looking for is advice on whether I should pursue a relationship or not.

Here's a basic breakdown of the facts/situation:

I am 21 years old.

The girl I like is 16 years old. (and everyone jumps up and says "hold it! she's jailbait! stay away!")

She and I are good friends, I do not have any confirmation she likes me as more than a friend, but she has never done anything to make me question the possibility.

Her dad, who is a pastor at our church, literally approached me and asked me if I liked his daughter, when I told him that I did, he was pretty stoked, and I mentioned that its a little awkward because of the age gap, and he said that he and his wife understood and were okay with it, (his wife has been dropping hints that I would make a great son in law for some time) and I then brought up the fact that it'd be a while before we could date, and he said "not really, you have my permission to date as soon as you'd like."

What should I do??? Proverbs says that "many advisers make plans succeed" so I am looking for as much advice as possible.
I can clarify some things later on if people would like. She is the most mature 16 year old I have ever met, oldest of 5 kids, teaches sunday school, more deeply involved in politics than just about any adults I know, works 3 part time jobs, and is pursuing her relationship with Jesus wholeheartedly.

While she may be extremely mature for her age, she is only 16.
I changed in a lot of ways between 16 and 18 (and I was very mature and
level-headed myself at 16). Now, personally, I'm a believer in courtship
over dating. Courtship is getting family involved and having accountability
to the parents while also staying marriage-minded. At 16, there's no way
this young girl is ready to get married right now, so there is no point in
starting a romantic relationship with her.

HOWEVER, I do recommend developing a friendship with her and
to wait until she's at least 18 years old before going for a relationship.
I'm not saying that because the first thing that pops in my mind is
"JAILBAIT!" I understand what you're saying! She's probably wise beyond
her years. But again, she is, in fact, 16 and couldn't possibly be ready for a
relationship that could head in the direction of marriage right now; and
also because at 18, she is recognized as a young woman-- not just
legally, but by people in the church, by your friends and her friends and it
won't appear as though you're... a pedophile or something.
You know what mean?

 

[E.C.]

To the OP: I happen to know someone in a situation almost exactly like yours. So far for the two of them things are going quite well.

If you'd like feel free to send me a pm since in the case that I'm speaking of there are far too many things that are unique about them which are best not shared to the world on an internet forum.