Looking for Advice

[wvmtnkid]

Hi everyone!

I am looking for advice for those who have dated a single parent. I have recently started seeing a man with a 7 year old son. We are still in the beginning stages, looking to where things are going with us before the child is brought into the relationship. We don't want to involve his son until we are sure the relationship has long term potential. So, I was just wondering if any of you had any advice, stories to share or anything to help me out as I venture into this new relationship.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Does the father have custody?

Is the Mother involved?

Can you care for one that is "not your own" ?

 

[wvmtnkid]

They have shared custody of the child. Three days with the father, three days with the mother. So, yes, the mother is involved. I do believe I could care for one that is not my own. I have a big heart where children are concerned and just because I am not his biological mother doesn't mean that I could not love him. I don't know how to put this into words exactly, but this man is a package deal. If I come to love him and marry him, his son is part of the relationship. I accept this and would work to make his son part of our relationship. I know this won't necessarily be an easy thing. That is why I am seeking some advice. I don't want to go into this with my eyes shut.

 

[Blessed75]

wvmtnkid - as far as i'm concerned - you're going into this with your eyes wide open and in the right direction. your attitude is a good one. I dated a doctor with a three year old little girl. the only thing i felt uncomfortable with was when i felt like she was mis-behaving like slapping or hitting me or another child. it felt weird to me disciplining another person's child. I asked my boyfriend at the time what his thoughts were on it. We were open with each other the entire time and he understood my fears. I think that you're moving in the right direction. I would just be sure that you both are on the same page when it comes to the child. Good luck to you and I'm curious to know how it turns out down the road..........

 

[wvmtnkid]

Thanks Blessed75! See, I never thought about having to discipline his son. I think that would be hard, particularly during the dating stage. It might be different if I were his step-mother. I teach Sunday School and I can relate to how hard it is to discipline someone else's child, but I am in a different role in that situation. I am the teacher, so, I am expected to discpline if needed. But as "a date"? That's sorta different. But you are right. Communicating about that will be very important.

 

[karla]

I never was involved with someone who already had children, but I do have a stepfather. My mom and stepdad dated for awhile before we were introduced to him (I was 8 and my brother was 5). It was after they had been dating awhile and were discussing marriage that the introduction took place. At first I was a little resistant about it, but turns out it was the best thing to happen. He was very young when he took on the responsibilty of me and my brother- he was only 22 and my mom was 30. There were many difficult times, most of which was due to the fact that my bio. father didn't like the idea of my mom remarrying and never thought she would find someone. MY mom and bio dad had a bad divorce and weren't really civil with one another at times. My advice would be to take it slow, don't try to push yourself on the child, be friendly, but not a friend, and try to have a good relationship his his mom especially if this is heading toward marriage. You seem to be doing all the right things, so keep up the good job.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Excellent advice, karla. Thank you so much for your response. I do hope that things can remain civil with the child's mother, but I am not sure how that will go. She is the one that was unfaithful (several times) in the marriage and actually sued for divorce, so you would think that she wouldn't care if her ex-husband was seeing someone else, right? Well, I don't think that is the case. She wasn't aware we were going out. The other night we had dinner out and we ran into his ex-step daughter. She undoubtly told her mother that she had seen us out and when he called his son the next night to check in on him she told the child to ask his daddy how his date had went the night before. I just found that to be a little on the mean side. So, even though I want things to remain civil, I have no control over her.

But I do like your suggestion of being friendly to the child but not being his friend. I think I see what you are saying.

 

[slimfish]

Well West Virginia Mountain Kid, you have a difficult road ahead of you. I dated and eventually married a single mom. There is nothing in the world that says this relationship can't work out and glorify God, and that you can't have a wonderful relationship with this man's son. The best thing that you can do is to apply Christian principles to this relationship. Pray, pray, pray. Ask God to give you wisdom and insight into this matter. There are a lot of things that you will have to deal with if you do marry this man. I would also suggest being open with your boyfriend, if you are having a hard time with something let him know. Finally I would say, don't be afraid to walk away. Getting involved with someone that has a child is not for everyone. It's like the song from the Gambler, You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. Remember, you need to look out for yourself when getting involved, not just with a single parent but with anyone. I'll be praying for you, Godbless.