Long term relationship

[NINA84]

Hello everyone,

I need your advice as i'm facing a very desperating situation.
I'm 29, my boyfriend and me have been dating for 9 years :o , we truly love each other with all our heart. The problem is that my parents totally disagree with this relationship, as we are from different ethnic groups, they advocate me dating outside the race.

Before I met this man, I prayed the lord to meet someone like him, and my wish was granted very soon.

I've tried several times to introduce my boyfriend. My sister knows him and thinks he's a good guy, but she 's against too. My nephews (3 and 6 yrs old) love him and they love to play together.
he keeps telling me that he loves my family the way they are even if they don't love him.

He's been so brave, he's been begging me for years to meet my parents.

Last summer my parents came to my apartment and I told them they had to meet him, as my dad started to agree, my mother became so furious that she threatened to get apart and leave my father forever if he accepts.

I didnt want to loose him so I had to ask for assistance, so I called a priest who's also friend of my parents' . He tried to talk to my mum, but then told me that she was furious and nothing could be done to change her mind, he said couldn't talk to her anymore, she would hang off the phone; and that I should accept the situation and leave my BF or at least we could be friends, which is impossible to me.
He thinks I'm not the kind of person who can break up with their family, and that I have to live with this tragedy, and accept my fate.

My boyfriend is not a christian yet, but he wants to get baptised one day, and I am a new-born christian.

Because of this hard situation, i broke up several times, and he met other girls at work, because he said he needed reinsurance but he came back to me very soon. I thought I was dying when I knew he met other girls, it sounded like cheating to me.
I've been praying the lord for so long to show me if he was the one, and I believe he is.
I've been praying Him to touch my mom's heart and change her mind but nothing happens.
Now we want to get married, but he will never propose unless he meets my parents because he has fear that i would change my mind again if my mum starts to scream.

What is your opinion? what should I do?

Thank you
Be blessed

 

[NINA84]

i'm sorry i should have post it in the LTR section.Don't know how to fix it...

 

[LinkH]

Wow, 29 years old, dating for 9 years.

There are a lot of factors to consider. Biblically, I can see a good case for his needing your father's permission to marry and your father being able to deny it. Is he wanting to marry, or just meet your parents?

If you got your dad's approval, but not your mom, but you knew that would cause hardship and division between them, you'd have to consider whether that would be honoring your father and mother.

A believer is not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. If he wants to get baptized into Christ, he should do so-- not just because he wants to marry you. But I think he should do that as soon as he can, and certainly before getting engaged.

I married someone from another country, and I had a mix of approval and resistance from different members of her family when the idea of my marrying her came up. It's normal for there to be some obstacles to overcome to get married, if he is the right person. But seek the Lord's will first, even if it means giving up something you really, really want.

 

[NINA84]

I'm trying to give him the time he needs to decide if he wants to be baptized in Christ.
When we met we both weren't christians and even me, my baptism will be next Easter. So I don't think we're so much unequally yoked.

A few months ago, he wasn't so sure he would follow Jesus.Today he is, but he's someone who likes to take his time, it's part of his personality.
But for right now he's not really open to talk about his faith.

The real issue is definitely my mother, I do love her for all the sacrifices she had made for me, she gave me good values and education. She's not really racist, but she doesn't believe in long-lasting interracial love, and she does hate to see interracial couples.

At the beggining of our dating, I told her about my BF and she said she would prefer me never to be born, or to die rather than to be living such a betrayal.
And she has never changed her mind, although my father would support me, he's getting old and suffers from a serious disease, and I don't want to cause division between them.

But I love that man so much, and I don't know what God expects me to do...I keep praying ...

Sorry for my broken English

 

[NINA84]

And i have so much respect toward my parents that I don't want to cause sadness in the family, their opinion is very important to me.
That 's the reason why my BF absolutely insists to meet my parents, before he makes his proposal.
He fears I might give it up if my mum tries to change my mind.

 

[Luther073082]

Honestly I would see to it that he was baptised, but I would marry him despite your mom's feelings. Listen if your mom or dad had a good reason to belive that you shouldn't marry due to something with this man's personality or views then you might want to listen to them. But their reason is not a good reason.

But at age 29, why are you preventing yourself from getting what you want out of life because your mother disapproves for a very wrong reason?

I say time to be an adult and stand up to mom. That doesn't mean you don't love and respect your mom. But this is your life to live, it's not your mother's life to live. Go live it for you and get married to the person you want to marry not the person she wants you to marry.

Obviously it's not ideal, but at some point you have to stand up to your parents on this.

Vous parlez anglais tres bien.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Your both adults. What you want to decide is up to you. Sometimes parents are helpful, other times they just makes things worse when with someone.

I will say (and this is just my case), my parents never liked the women I was with in my past. Even my friends didn't like them. It wasn't until each woman hurt me that I realized my friends and family seemed to be right every time. SO when I met my fiance, my family didn't have any problems and neither did my friends. If anything we get unlimited support!

 

[NINA84]

A believer is not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. If he wants to get baptized into Christ, he should do so-- not just because he wants to marry you. But I think he should do that as soon as he can, and certainly before getting engaged.

Actually, he's had a hard time with catholics since he was born, because his mother was divorced and remarried to a lower social-class man. Which was not accepted at all, because divorce is sin and because she was from a very wealthy and aristocratic background, so she was rejected by her family, and her son (my boyfriend) was called "son of the Devil" by his aunts and the priest.
So that's the reason why, we argued a lot when I told him I needed to follow Jesus and wanted a catholic baptism. He would have preferred any religion but not catholic.
That was another reason why he was mad at me, including the fact that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore until marriage, and that he couldn't meet my parents.He thought I was doing my best to get apart from him.

I told him to forgive his family, and mine, that he was a lost sheep, God loved him the way he was.
So even though we've been through really hard moments (hardest in my life) he's now opening his heart to Jesus, but still needs time before baptism.

At the moments he's living at his mum's and when I told him to go to the church, he said that he couldn't because it was the same priest who rejected him when he was still a baby.

 

[NINA84]

Thank you Luther073082 for saying my English is good, but I can imagine I make a lot of mistakes and it's probably not easy for you to read, but thank you all for reading and replying.
Please feel free to correct me, I would love to improve my English !!

 

[NINA84]

Your both adults. What you want to decide is up to you. Sometimes parents are helpful, other times they just makes things worse when with someone.

I will say (and this is just my case), my parents never liked the women I was with in my past. Even my friends didn't like them. It wasn't until each woman hurt me that I realized my friends and family seemed to be right every time. SO when I met my fiance, my family didn't have any problems and neither did my friends. If anything we get unlimited support!

I agree that parents and family often feels things we cant see as love is blind. Myself, I often tell my feelings about my sisters' boyfriend when they ask me.

In my case the main problem is that, they totally refuse to meet him, they don't even give him a single chance.
On the other hand, my friends love him, my sister says he's really nice, has culture, is caring with her 2 to sons. BUT doesn't want us to stay together because of race.

I have no support in the family, and as I know my mother, I know I would sacrifice her own wellbeing, and the family unity if I marry him.

Last night I was dreamming we were at the Church for our wedding and my family stopped the ceremony, and my dad said "we're sorry but we don't agree with that and we never will".

We both want at least 4 kids together and I'm getting old, loosing my time praying and waiting for God to touch their heart.

 

[Eirlysa]

Go to a different parish with a different priest. There a lot of understanding priests out there-- it sounds as if your boyfriend experienced an uncharitable parish.

 

[Luther073082]

Thank you Luther073082 for saying my English is good, but I can imagine I make a lot of mistakes and it's probably not easy for you to read, but thank you all for reading and replying.
Please feel free to correct me, I would love to improve my English !!

You don't make as many mistakes as you probably think you do. It's very clear and understandable.

Only mistake I've noticed thus far is in your first post you said something like "I prayed the lord to meet someone like him"

Should be: "I prayed to the lord that I would meet someone like him"

But your English is better then my French.

 

[NINA84]

thank you!

 

[NINA84]

Hello!
My boyfriend came to visit me last week for my anointing before the baptism. For the first time, he attended the mass and met my friends at the church.I think he enjoyed.
The problem is that he still doesn't propose as he wants to meet my parents before, but my father still wants me to be with someone else, and he urges that I get married quickly (not with my actual boyfriend whom he has never spoken to).

I feel desperate. My boyfriend doesn't see that I'm tired of this situation, I want to give up, I think he wont propose until I take him home, and get in real trouble with all my family.
Although he's very nice and understanding, he knows how hard the situation is for me, he still doesn't really help me, he tells me to talk about him the more I can, every time I call my family.

Of course it doesn't work I've been doing it for 9 years.

Another problem is that when we're apart for several months, he needs to make love, but I don't, as I spend my days and night praying, asking for God's will, and I'm not in a sexual mood when I see him again (but I used to).
He doesn't understand why I beg him not to have sex, he believes we are married in Gods eyes (we've already slept together ), it's very hard for him to decrease his sex drive, and I know he sometimes watch porn but it doesn't help him and it makes him feel dirty (he says).
He stayed only one week at my apartment but we argued at least 4 or 5 times, I don't feel like asking him to sleep in the couch, I feel so sad when he tries to touch me at night.

His mum (who isdivorced) told him we have to get along better if he wants to propose, but I think it wil get worse if he waits.

His mum is moving to a smaller apartment and he won't stay with her. I live
700 miles away, he wants to live with me but I can't, even though I'm in love with him, i don't want to sin.
What should I do? I love him, but I'm frustrated.
I might break up, I don't see any solution. I've already noticed a cute singer at the church, he seems peaceful, he's always smiling and at least he's a christian.
I spend all my weekends praying, I dont see my friends, I don't do anything else but pray, every time I have a minute, even at work...

I'm lost

 

[NINA84]

I keep telling him he's free, and he can find another girl, I'm not worth him. and I know he did try to find someone else when our relationship was almost broken, but we still love each other

 

[proverbswisdom]

You need to be brave and marry the person you love. Love requires courage in order to be true love. You won't be able to love any man with a sincere deep love if it lacks courage it will always be too diluted with fear to be love.

So you have to ask yourself "do I love this man?" and if the answer is "yes" then fall down on your knees and petition God to give you the courage you are going to need to marry him despite your family's attitude. God WILL give you this courage. He will literally take your heart and give you a new courageous one. He's done it for me many times and He's promised over and over again in scripture. He can give you the strength you lack. It wont be instantaneous but it will develop over time as you choose your husband. By the time your wedding comes around you will have the courage you need to sustain a happy marriage with him despite hw your family feels; God is always timely and He won't leave you weak.

You have to realize that while at first your mom may be against it, you may be able t reach her heart and help her change by doing this. Her attitudes are racist just to point that out. If she had another reason for not wanting you to be with him that would be one thing but since it's only about race that is racism right there. Racism is not of God and your mom may never change her racist views without your godly influence.

Its right to honor your father and mother, but have you considered that you honor them more by marrying this man than by being their doormat? You honor them by pointing them in the right direction and being a godly example to them; helping them become better people. Giving someone what they want isn't honoring them if what they want is not good for them.

Doing whats right is often difficult and hard (the more you do it thuogh the easier it gets). It takes someone with strong love and courage to choose the right path. You have to train yourself to do the difficult thing, not the easy thing or you will get used to always giving in to what others want and won't be able to stand for Christ or for the love He teaches.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Hi ProverbsWisdom. Your mail box is full.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

I'm not trying to sound harsh, so please don't take it that way.

I hear a lot of immaturity in your OP. You're almost 30 years old and you're still living under your mother's thumb. You're allowing your mother's tantrums to dictate your life and your choices. It's wayyyy past time to cut those apron strings and become your own woman, and make your own choices.

That being said, it sounds like your boyfriend is also having major maturity issues. He refuses to propose to you (his excuses about wanting to "meet" your parents sound ridiculous to me, he knows they don't accept him, that's no longer a valid excuse), he watches porn, you're sexually active together, and you aren't on the same page about your faith after all this time.

If you look at this from his point of view, WHY would he marry you? He's had you for 9 years, he gets to have sex with you, he doesn't have to go to church if he doesn't want to, and still be a free, single man.

I have a feeling this is a case of two young people getting involved way too early in life, and then just letting it drag on and on, instead of growing up either together or separately. You're both still acting like 20 year olds here. This is what's familiar and comfortable for both of you, even if neither of you are truly happy, and it's just easier to sit in this relationship because it feels like "home", rather than break up, do some growing up, and venture into the world as a single adult woman.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you make the right choice.